Contrite - Comments

Beautifully written, very powerful in its effect.
I really enjoyed how his emotions were so open, how he admitted that he could not help himself from saying that he was there.

More please

Story/Review Game:

I wasn’t sure what to expect after reading the small excerpt in the summary…Abuse maybe, I think that was the vibe I was getting. But it turned out almost completely different, and firstly I’d like to say that you’ve managed to create this whole story with very few words…which is pretty amazing. I like that you stick to the emotions and the actions, and what’s important to the scene.

His arms wrapped themselves around her and the smell of her hair enchanted him even as her frame shook with erratic breaths.

Grass-stains were seeping into her jeans. Her make-up had spread grotesquely across her face; no matter how quiet she was, her tears still showed. But he found her beautiful anyway.

I just love how…subtle it is. Or maybe subtle’s not the right word. But you convey this sense of care and love and adoration without plainly stating it. Love the showing aspect of these lines. It made me wonder about their relationship…from the interaction between them further on, it gives me the sense that they’re involved as a couple, or maybe not an “official” couple but that there’s definitely something going on between them. And I like that. Makes me curious. :tehe: There’s so much back-story that could be between these characters.

Interesting that him just saying "I'm still here," had that affect on her. I have a few ideas as to why she reacted so negatively…maybe because she took it to mean that…she should forget about the other character and move on because he was still there and with her…or that it was like he was taking a stab at the deceased character by saying it. :think: I made that sound waaaay more confusing than it probably is. xD But…it makes me wonder, which is always a good thing.

I kind of like that she blew up like she did…it shows another side to her character really. Seeing as we’re only seeing her in a state of grief, it’d be hard to form a really…rounded opinion on her as a character…but with her outburst there’s another dimension there. She’s not a passive character or anything like that…but at the same time, she’s grieving and not acting as she would day to day.

Her scream vibrated through their bodies, turning her beauty terrible. She was a demon, possessed by loss.

That last line is one of my favourites. Just amazing. In just one sentence I’m told that this isn’t her as she usually is…that maybe in any other situation she would be a completely different person…and that her decision to tell him to go is an unwise one. And just that she was possessed is so emotive and powerful. His initial hesitation says a lot about his love for her too – he seems like a very loving and understanding character…but that even he can be pushed so far and can only endure so much.

These little sentences: It didn't. It wouldn't. She had. I love that they dash all hope…it really shows that she’s stuffed up, and I get the sense that their relationship was angst-ridden because she hadn’t let go of her husband…if they are together that is…As I said before, that’s the impression I got from the characters. I think it’s very true to life really…hearing about people ruining relationships because they haven’t overcome losses and moved on with their future. The small glimpse into the future was a nice way to end it…in terms of style I mean. It wasn’t nice for her obviously, but it’s very real, that sense of regret and want and need. It was a powerful way to end it.

Story/Review Game

Wow, first off this was really good. The way of writing was excellent, and I liked how you didn't try and ram too much information into just one chapter. A lot of people do that (including me ><) and it can be difficult to read. This one-shot had a nice simplicity to it, and I really loved it.

His arms wrapped themselves around her and the smell of her hair enchanted him even as her frame shook with erratic breaths.

Grass-stains were seeping into her jeans. Her make-up had spread grotesquely across her face; no matter how quiet she was, her tears still showed. But he found her beautiful anyway.

She couldn't stop crying. Maybe she didn't want to. -- Wow, this opening bit was really well written. I liked, throughout the story, how you didn't use names, this can be very powerful, especially in the opening paragraphs. The imagery was really good, so well done on that ^^

He leaned down next to her ear. "Shh...he's watching you." -- I liked this line, as it made me think. You know, who is 'he'? Is he some sort of stalker, a minder? Is he supposed to be watching her? It lead to a lot of questions, which is good as it made me want to read on and find out.

he kissed her. A chaste pressing of his lips to her smudged cheek. Comforting and affectionate. -- Wow, this line was so pretty, it had a hint of romance and sadness in it, both at the same time and had a good effect on the next lines, he looooves her ^_^

"Go!" she screamed. Her scream vibrated through their bodies, turning her beauty terrible. She was a demon, possessed by loss. -- I loved this line, and the one's before it. Before, you made her sound lost and scared, as if she was somebody who needed protecting and was vulnerable. Now, it's a quick contrast to show how her emotions change, and it's harder to feel sorry for her.

That was their goodbye. With one last look at her prostrate form, he walked away. And he wouldn't turn back. He wouldn't beg for forgiveness again. -- Another powerful line. The ending lead to more questions about why he'd need forgiveness. Did he have something to do with why she was upset maybe? This would make a great begining of a chaptered story, or a two-shot, but even now it's still a very powerful peice.

That was their goodbye -- You repeated this line twice, I think maybe it would be stronger and more effective if you only used it once, that way it has more of an impact.

In the last few paragraphs, I love the discriptions. The way you used short sentances was very effective -- It didn't. or She had. Also, the last line was very sad, it made me wonder about what would happen, and it left a little sense of loss in me.
This was really good, I couldn't pick up on spelling or grammer mistakes, so well done. ^^ Hope this helped.

Yeahp it was effective. I like your writer better like this--sparse yet descriptive, unlike the other one that was just... kind of flat. This is much better.