Call Me Red - Comments

The last time I read this was back in July 2009 and randomly the other day I was like 'What was that amazing story I read ages ago..." and it took me a while to remember but thankfully(!) I did and I just had to say that even though I didn't think it would be possible, it was even more amazing the second time reading. You are so talented.
Now I'm off to go read some more of your work.

:cheese:

I'm not a big person on Mibba, more like a little newbie that found your story out of the blue, and I feel pretty embarrassed to even have the guts to comment, but it was... holy crap good.
:3 So I'm just saying that.
& stepping away slowly, from the almighty power of the gods of writing and famous Mibbians.

Second review time! I’m going to do this as I read again, as I just prefer doing reviews like this. :cute:

“She’s not beautiful, that much he knows, red eyes sharp like a pinnacle and lips pressed together, stained by a sheet of mucus and saltwater.” Firstly, this made me sort of…stop for a second? It’s not what you usually expect to read as a first sentence. The adjectives also make me feel a little…put off? Mucus is a disgusting word and therefore before even reading further you feel as if they probably are ugly. But, part of me can’t help but maybe feel sorry for them? Either way, an great opening. :]

“as if she’d invented the damn expression, though he wouldn't really be surprised if she did.” I love this bit, because it makes me wonder how long he’s known her. It makes me feel curious, and the fact that he’s not surprised by her actions is intriguing. I wonder if they’re going out? which seems mad due to his description of her earlier.

“tongue lashing out as if she could poison him with it—maybe she wishes she could. “I’m fucking pregnant. Don’t tell me I shouldn’t panic. You fucking asshole.” Oh! So now the penny drops, and the use of the words “tongue lashing out” makes me imagine someone fuming, almost angry enough to kill the person saying don’t panic, and it’s great because now I can find the characters more real. It’s something that happens a lot now, unplanned pregnancies, and it’s not being glorified. She’s scared, and it’s coming through.

“and if he focuses on that maybe he can ignore the taut knuckles knotting over her knees, trying not to let the fear wobble her composure.” For some reason, this bit makes me wonder whether he’s feeling sorry for her? That he can see she is close to letting her guard down, but because he’s there she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t want him to see how terrified she is. You can also tell from this, that she’s probably use to being a strong person, someone who doesn’t crack and isn’t afraid. It’s interesting, because you can’t exactly tell the relationship they’ve got but you know it’s not a good one. The way you’ve written that character is just amazing to be honest.

“She was never beautiful, even back then, eyes too far apart and lips too thin, hair slightly too dull and slack against the boniness of her chin.” I love the repetition. I think it makes the story flow better, and makes me keep reading and makes me wonder…if she’s so ugly, then why did he ever have sex with her? It doesn’t make sense, but I love that.

“Alcohol loosened her laughter, and apparently loosened his brain, because when she fell off the couch he let her pull him down with her” So this explains it all. Drink had taken control of them, and you pull off the effects of alcohol so well in this sentence. The fact that she’s laughing more than she probably ever does the fact that although she’s someone he finds ever so unattractive, he still lets her take control of him.

“At some point she leaned on him, smelling of sour lemons and salt. At some point they stumbled into a bedroom. At some point he kissed her.” The repetition of “at some point” is just brilliant in this sentence, seriously. The fact that I can imagine it all too well. It happens so often, and it’s not what is often described. It’s not perfect, it’s not a fairytale ending, it’s not like they’ve both realized that they’re “The Ones”. They’re drunk, and that’s all there is too it. And you show this brilliantly.

"It wasn’t mind-blowing or anything and he was almost too tired to thrust after a few minutes, and she was too tight and too stiff and too loud when she moaned” I was so…I can’t really explain after reading this. The fact that you haven’t said how incredible it was is just so good when reading this, because it’s not supposed to be amazing, it’s just drunken sex.

“She was scrambling for her clothes, cursing at him as she struggled into them, and running to puke in the bathroom.” I admit, I almost wanted to laugh when I read this. Not because I think its bad! (not at all!) but because after reading how she was all peaceful before, and then when she wakes up, the reality sets in and she’s all mad- I think it’s just brilliant. After waking up to find that you’re next to someone who you apparently resent, you wouldn’t be the happiest person in the world. And the fact that you tye in that she’s clearly had too much to drink and is throwing up was really well done.

“Like a fucking balloon, you moron.” So this is where the balloon came in place, and it’s such a good idea. I’m impressed.

“He scoffs, leans back and relishes the scrape of the chair against the floor; the wince across her features as she hears the whine. He knows she hates it, and she hates him for knowing.” This shows that she clearly hates him knowing what she does and doesn’t like, and makes me think of her as someone who would rather keep everything locked up inside and I suppose I feel a bit sorry for her in some respects, because it must be hard. She’s young and pregnant and she doesn’t know how to cope.

“I’m eating for two, thanks to you, you little shit. I have your fucking genetic material floating inside me now.” A smudge of cream dots her cheek. “Poor embryo, half you.”

“At least I'm not gonna transform into a ‘fucking balloon.’”
I love the dialogue between the two of them, because really they are just so…childish? It makes the situation seem even worse to be honest- children having children- and yet the way you write how she attacks him is so…different to what I’ve ever seen but it still fits. Their behavior is ridiculous but they can’t help it, they just don’t get along and yet they’ve managed to become parents. It’s almost insane.

“She may call him different variations of bastard, will never let him forget it, but he wasn’t a total douche bag and he was going to accept responsibility for his—their—idiocy.” This is really interesting twist to the story, as before I really didn’t like this guy. He seemed rude to her, horrible even and not very supportive whatsoever. But the fact that he’s accepting the pregnancy is more than what she’s doing and it makes me respect him more. It’s almost like the insults she’s throwing at him constantly and perhaps beginning to just bounce of him. I just want them to get along to be honest.

“If anything, at least they had one set of parents on their side. His mother only sighed, as if she knew it was coming sooner or later and just hoped it wouldn’t” So, his parents are there for them but maybe her parents aren’t. Which, of course, would explain a lot, and you’ve fitted it in perfectly. It’s still flowing wonderfully, and I’m still reading with a great admiration toward your writing and I can imagine the characters vividly in my head due to the beautiful descriptions- which are just perfect to be honest. They don’t drag on terribly, but they tell me enough. They let me know what’s going on.

“She was crying, no doubt about that, a hitch in her 'fuck you's and sobs corrupting the news that no, they wouldn’t support her, they’d have kicked her out if she was eighteen, and she was on her own, not even sure if they’d pay for her college tuition” So, now I feel even more pity toward her. I feel sorry for her, because she’s clearly devastated. She’s hurt, she’s crying, and she’s got no one but him and that’s…awful really. Someone she doesn’t even appear to be that fond of, and yet he’s the person she phones. You still kept the fact that she swears at him though, and that’s good. It makes it real, and makes them seem more real.

“He was cut off, a bit more strength in her ‘fuck you’ this time, more force than was ever needed when she hung up, but at least she stopped crying.” When I read this, I thought it was sweet to be honest. Not her saying “fuck you” but him seeming pleased she had stopped crying. It makes me think that maybe he does care about her a little bit, and maybe he is sad that she’s in t his situation. It makes me have more faith in someone who seemed to be such a horrible person to begin with, and makes me believe that maybe he is right when he says he’ll support her. I believe him.““I’ll do the dishes if you do the cooking,” he grins, and he was joking at first, but the prospect isn’t as hideous as it once was as he watches her huff away, footsteps more sluggish than they were before.” The fact that he’s so desperate to help out, is just amazing really. And, I think you pull of this piece of speech insanely well. It’s as if you can imagine them in your head doing exactly that, and I love that you made him think over what he had first said as joke. It’s sweet really, and I’m not expecting it to turn into some fairytale, but it would be nice to see it as a more bearable relationship. The fact you show their age through him saying, “it” is always good.

“Real adoption agencies played games, he found out. They weren’t the merciful little institutions like TV made them out to be. They almost seemed like they enjoyed tormenting them, making them wallow in their mistakes.” So, they’re now thinking about letting someone adopt their child? I have to admit it, I found this as almost a bit of a shock- but a good one. It makes me see that maybe they’re trying to find a more suitable way for the child, but then at the same time I can’t see it happening. It doesn’t seem right somehow. It almost seems unlike the characters, and that’s why I’m curious to read the next bit.

“Her voice was low, quiet, as if she couldn’t admit she was saying it herself. It slithered from her mouth, word by word; it was the closest she could get to begging.

She wanted to keep it, she said. She didn’t want to give it up, give it away, to some stranger’s house where they didn’t know, didn’t know what would happen—“

This bit I admit, made me feel….urgh. Terrible, really. Sad. It was so sweet, but so sad and the way that you write the word “begging” makes my heart wrench for her. It’s like she never wanted to admit it too him, but she doesn’t want to give her baby away. You can tell, although she doesn’t say it, that she has grown attached and she loves the baby whether she wants to or not.

“Her gaze had lowered to her stomach, and her clammy entwined palms posed a sheen of sweat in the fluorescent. She informed him how she felt it kick, inside her. Now she can’t let go.” The last bit made me choke up a little. She can’t let go, she’s finally taking responsibility and although it might not be the best decision she’s made, she’s feeling like a mother. And, it was bound to happen one day. I love the way you use “inform” it’s like, she’s not describing and going into detail, she’s just stating the facts. It’s more real, and it’s more heartbreaking like this.

“He only stares as she chokes on her tears some more, something inside him vaguely aching, and nods his head.” Aww, I don’t know why but this made me all…weird inside. The fact that he doesn’t know what he’s doing, he’s confused how to help her because she keeps refusing any help, it’s just so sad. The fact that he’s aching inside, it’s proving that he’s beginning to feel some sort off emotions toward her. You really are amazing with words, I must say.

“His phone lit up by his hand on the mouse, and he pressed pause when he saw it was from her parents. His groan collided with the grit of his teeth as he read the message” I’m scared. I want to know what’s going on. Is something wrong with her? Is something wrong with the baby? Whatever’s happened, you can tell that the boy is scared too, and that makes me scared. He’s so real to me, that I can feel his emotions through your words.

“It (how dare they) was dead, the text said. It was dead and they had to take it out of her before it could contaminate her body and take her with it.” Oh no. I guess I expected it almost, from hearing about the text, but it still doesn’t mean I wanted it. I wanted them to be happy in the end. She was so desperate to keep it, and now…it’s gone. And, it’s just painful to hear. I know someone who’s had a miscarriage and I guess that’s why it hits hard, and it’s…sad. It’s not even like you write much emotion in that sentence, but yet I can still feel it, and I think that is amazing. Absolutely amazing.

“He tried to breathe, evenly; one inhale and two exhales to make up for it, and hoped on everything there was to hope on that she was okay. He tried not to think of how he would feel if she were gone.” This just makes me feel worse, to be honest. You’ve managed to make someone who before, didn’t seem to really give a shit suddenly be hyperventilating over the fact that he might’ve lost her. It’s like; he’s so scared that now he’s lost his baby he’s going to lose the mother too.

“She asks for him first, not her parents or anyone else but him, and when he goes inside he expects rage and despair and certainly not this; sad lips and sadder eyes and she only begins when he settles on the chair beside her.” The fact that she asked for him, the fact that she rang him when her parents told her they wouldn’t support her, is just beautiful. It’s so sad because you can understand why he would expect her to be yelling at him, telling him it’s his entire fault as that’s what he’s used to, but her being like this is so different, it’s almost as if he finds it unreal.

“I.” She swallows and blinks a few times, swallows again. “T-they wouldn’t let me see.” Her voice cracks, and his chest just split open.” I want to cry, because I can tell that that’s what they want to do. It’s so awful, reading this because it’s so real and I can see them sitting in that hospital room right now discussing this. The words, “split open” is amazing. You didn’t use something cliché like, “his heart broke”, you made it more…painful sounding.

“He doesn’t know why he’s shaking so much, why his questions are imitating a little boy's. “B-but we can still try, right?” I think I just fell in love with him right there and then. He’s showing his true feelings now, and without saying that he loves her or that he just even likes her, you can tell that he’s got a lot of feelings for that girl. And when she replies with “Yeah,” she murmurs suddenly, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand. “Yeah, I guess we could.” It’s just…beautiful, I guess. You want to shake them and say, what are you doing?! But you know they’re…maybe not in love, and by no means is this a fairytale ending, but they’ve come along way together and they’re being civil. They’re friends? Maybe? I don’t even know, but there’s something there and it’s beautiful.

“They don’t smile or kiss or anything; there’s still grief weighing heavy in their hearts for that baby girl they never got to name. Her lips curl up crooked, and she traps his gaze with the unprettiest eyes he’s ever seen; her face still isn’t perfect, but he thinks that maybe she’s beautiful after all.”

I love this end. It seriously floored me because it’s so simple, but it’s just so amazing. The fact that, they’re still as dysfunctional as they ever were, but they’ve reached an understanding is incrediable. It makes me want to cry, because it’s just so sweet and so fucked up but so perfect. It couldn’t have been a better ending, and after constant niggling on her appearance he finally agrees that maybe, just maybe…she’s beautiful after all.

This was excellent (:

I like that nothing in this is glamourised. We're constantly reminded the girl isn't pretty, the night they spent together is average, and the ensuing months just seem to be awkward and pained. I like the naivety in the boys character as well, he has to ride a bike to the hospital, and he's mentioned playing video games, such a teenage boy thing to do, while all this drama is unfolding.

The end struck me as kind of sad as well, as the boy believes that despite not getting along, not being in love with each other, and not having a means to raise a baby, they could still try again and somehow make it work. At their age they should be having the time of their lives, yet they're stuck with each other trying to make something work that seems like it couldn't possibly. The boy's character seems so innocent as he suggests they could try again, as if doing that will fix the emptiness they feel after losing that baby girl they never got to name. As you said, It’s a hopeless case.

They don’t smile or kiss or anything

They're really just a pair of children, caught up in this situation and trying to be the adults that they aren't quite yet.

Best authour on Mibba :tehe:

I wish I could leave you an essay of a comment, but to tell you the truth, all I'm thinking at the moment is:

:cheese: :cheese: :cheese: :cheese:

In other words, I am speechless at your talent.
I particularly like how you repeated 'She's not beautiful' and 'She was never beautiful'.

This review is probably too long and boring, but this just blew my mind so I had to do it. :cute:

-

:cheese:

Wow. Uh. Shit. This was fucking amazing and certainly not what I was expecting.
And the layout just simply fits, you know? What's noticeable the most is the balloons, at least for me, and for some reason I liked the fact that they're not real, just red ovals. And the title. Damn. It doesn't tell you anything but at the same time it's just so fitting.

She’s not beautiful, that much he knows, red eyes sharp like a pinnacle and lips pressed together, stained by a sheet of mucus and saltwater.
The repetition, the constant reminder that she's not beautiful just stays present throughout the narration and it makes the last sentence just that more impacting. You can really picture her in your head, ugly and glaring at the stupid asshole that got her pregnant in the first place. You can really feel her hatred and the awkwardness of the situation without it being explained.

“Maybe we shouldn’t panic…”
I really enjoy your dialogues, they don't seem forced and they're real. Just by that simple phrase he's introduced, and a tiny bit of his personality leaks out. And then she just sort of loses it because, fuck—“I’m fucking pregnant. Don’t tell me I shouldn’t panic. You fucking asshole.”

The emotions flow out naturally, and you can perceive what the characters are feeling somehow. And I simply love how the beginning itself is just like a slap in the face that tells you "This is not going to be a fucking fairytale." And, in reality, teenage pregnancy is everything but a fairytale, and you just about captured all of those filthy details that come along with it.

She was never beautiful, even back then, eyes too far apart and lips too thin, hair slightly too dull and slack against the boniness of her chin.
And there it is again. I really enjoy it when an author can repeat the same phrase or follow a distinctive pattern in his or her writing without it getting repetitive, and this is just that.

At some point she leaned on him, smelling of sour lemons and salt. At some point they stumbled into a bedroom. At some point he kissed her.
That's just so real, because really, when people are drunk they can't really recall what happened in detail. And people don't need to look dazzling to get laid, they can even smell of sour lemons and salt (how did you come up with that? It's not poetic and it's not a mind-blowing metaphor but it's just something that I don't think I'd ever come across. I seriously just enjoy the realism because shit like that happens all the fucking time, and you don't need to smell like roses or vanilla or some expensive cologne because life is dirty sometimes) and it'll happen anyway.

And the red balloon. God. omgno: I don't think anyone else could've come up with something like that. “Like a fucking balloon, you moron.” And once you think about it, it's really simple. She's pregnant, she's going to grow, she's going to be a big balloon. It all makes sense and there's not much to dwell on, but coming up with that is really something.

“I’m eating for two, thanks to you, you little shit. I have your fucking genetic material floating inside me now.” A smudge of cream dots her cheek. “Poor embryo, half you.”
Can I say that I really love her attitude? :shifty She's bitter and she's angry and she's just eating, and she doesn't show any signs of trying to get along with him—who can blame her—but there's something else to her personality that you let slip into the story that makes her more tangible, that makes her emotions ooze out of the words and settle in the readers' guts.

And you let us see into his mind, too. I kind of expected him not to be a total asshole, she just calls him that because of the nature of the situation and the fact that she's the one turning, well, into a balloon. In any case, he's just stupid; actually, they both are.

If anything, at least they had one set of parents on their side.
I felt my stomach turn at that point, because that means that the second set of parents weren't supportive. Maybe you can feel it coming, but when it does you can't help but feel bad for her. It explains why, perhaps, he's taking the whole thing more lightly than she is. And somehow people expect others to learn from their relatives' mistakes, but sometimes it just makes them more prone to make them.

I certainly love long descriptions, but the way you make it all fit into simple paragraphs and still develop the characters even more is amazing. There's no need for more, just the basic information that can give us an insight of his family before we can see what happens on her side. I have to admit, though, the She kept stirring the coffee in her hand, told him she’d call his father faraway in Iraq. made me feel bad, too. But a lot of people live that, and it's only natural that they've become accustomed to it.

Now her family. She always seems angered more than anything, but that just breaks her down. I felt terrible at the realization that, even after all the time she'd spent throwing insults at him, he was the only one she felt like going to—or calling—when she felt like she needed someone the most. It's heartbreaking a bit, but the selfish part of my brain reasoned that it was better off that way, and that maybe, just maybe she was starting to care for him because they'd fallen into the problem together, and he was all she really had at that point.

He was cut off, a bit more strength in her ‘fuck you’ this time, more force than was ever needed when she hung up, but at least she stopped crying.
I never expected it to be easy, of course, it's not like she was going to go running to his house and throw herself at his arms and kiss him passionately. And I'm not sure if this was me being an emotionless bastard, but I sort of smiled at that sentence. I like it how you let her cry everything out and at the same time conserved her personality.

He grew on me, too. As if he was this sort of dreamy, dorky guy who made a mistake but is willing to try and make the best of it. At the same time, I think he knows it won't be easy. “It’s not like it’ll be forever,” he replies calmly, seasoning the moment with a roll of his eyes. “Just until it can take care of itself…” And, well, I am mad that he called the baby it, but it was replaced with a bittersweet feeling once he was actually considering the idea of doing the dishes if she cooked. Something felt right about that, but you make sure to let us know that it certainly is not happening any time soon.

Again, I have to say I love your dialogues, I really do. The characters never say anything that doesn't seem like something they would say, and that's a quality I don't see often in stories. Actually, I don't think there's enough character development in a lot one-shots at all, but this certainly had it.

She was never beautiful, eyes obstinate and lips pursed as if he’d suggested she shower herself with dung beetles.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I just really love that repetition. I have a thing for ugly characters somehow.

Her voice was low, quiet, as if she couldn’t admit she was saying it herself. It slithered from her mouth, word by word; it was the closest she could get to begging.
The way you drag the words on really settles the feeling that she doesn't want to say it but at the same time really does. She wanted to keep it, she said. She didn’t want to give it up, give it away, to some stranger’s house where they didn’t know, didn’t know what would happen— Even without literally quoting her, you let us know that she's insecure, she's stumbling, repeating her words because really, it's not something she expected herself to say, but it's what she's feeling. Motherhood can do things to people, it's only fucking normal; even if they end up treating their children awfully, it's only natural that they feel something.

She informed him how she felt it kick, inside her. Now she can’t let go.
A fighter, just like you, he mused, but not out loud.
God. Those sentences made them seem more… adult, you know? Even if they're just stupid fucking teenagers that made a mistake they can't take back. It really doesn't need much explanation, the baby kicked her stomach. It's not really much but at the same time it means the world to her because now she can actually feel a living being inside of her. Maybe she's just a balloon, but she's carrying her fucking child inside of her.

He put the pen down, stood up and crumpled the papers before he threw them in the trash.
It's a mutual agreement. From then on, the fact that they don't know how they're even going to make it doesn't matter, they just won't give it up. I love how it interrupts the list of things that were going to stop them from being good parents, because they know, they must've thought about it a million times, but they can't let go. The way he just throws the papers away makes it final.

Just a normal girl, with normal friends, going out on a normal Friday night…
I kind of felt like something was going to go wrong at the way that's said and just left behind. And then she breaks down again. Of course it's the hormones, right? But… I just felt my stomach churn at that scene, like something bad was going to happen. Otherwise it would've been an empty moment, somehow, and I just feel that it's there to make it clear that not everything is as normal as it should be. Or maybe that's just me. :roll: The fact that something inside him was vaguely aching just…

It (how dare they) was dead, the text said.
And you know how authors sometimes prepare you for news like this? But in real life, however much you try and prepare somebody, it still fucking hurts and it still hits you like a wall of bricks. It's almost ironic how he'd called the baby it before, maybe only because he didn't know the gender, but still. The thing is… the baby grew on him. And it makes me want to choke her parents to death for being so insensitive. The worst of it all is that he's too distracted by the fact that his baby's dead.

Oh god, her ballooned stomach, sliced open now, deflated now; poked with needles and scalpels and they were taking it out, taking it out now, leaving only room for red; lots of red, emptiness like a red balloon with holes, hurtling towards the ground and holy fucking shit, there must have been so much red…
I felt the need to quote all of that, for the simple fact that it encapsulated the title and the balloon theme so well. But God how it made me feel so empty, so sorrowful. I literally envisioned a deflated red balloon as well as a stomach covered in blood, and the fact that there was a human being there before makes it all the worse. And he really fucking cares. And even after losing his baby… he doesn't want to lose her as well. It's heartbreaking and all of those other cliché adjectives that mean 'sad'.

The fact is, she's suffering as well; sad lips and sadder eyes. And she was never beautiful, but at that moment in time it couldn't have bothered anyone. She just lost her baby girl… He needs time for it to sink in. She was always stronger. Fuck, I don't even know what to say about that moment, it all seems to ruin it.

“Fuck you.” It was a whisper, and for the first time she doesn’t mean it.

And their relationship is really fucked up, but they got into the whole deal together and together is how it ended. And somehow they got lost in the way, perhaps not falling in love with each other but just learning to care and understanding each other's grief like no one else would. And just when you think that that's that, she answers that “Yeah, I guess we could.”

Her lips curl up crooked, and she traps his gaze with the unprettiest eyes he’s ever seen; her face still isn’t perfect, but he thinks that maybe she’s beautiful after all.
I have a thing for stories that end with maybe… It gives hope, you know? It doesn't necessarily and automatically have to mean that it's okay, because it's not, because they didn't smile or kiss each other and because their baby girl just died without even a name to take to her grave. But it means that someday, maybe someday things will be better. Because the thing is… maybe she's beautiful after all.

Story/Review Game

Layout - This was the first thing I noticed when I clicked on the story, and indeed it is very good. I love its simplicity. That's the best thing about it. But it works with the piece, which is even better.

Structure - I really liked the repeated lines at the beginning of every section. It really worked well, and I loved the ending after it. Your paragraphing is very good, and in just the right places so that it still keeps it's flow.

Dialogue - Your dialogue really worked for the characters. It subtly gave you a really vivid picture of who they were, their personalities and generally every aspect of them.
I especially like the line "“I am not going to discuss a future with you.”" as I think that the line basically sums her up in one - her personality, her opinions and her clashing feelings between her and the other character. And the use of italics just adds to it, and gives it much-needed emphasis.
I think this may be what you do best.

Description - Despite your talent for dialogue, I also loved your descriptive writing. I know very few authors who can do both at such a high level. I love the line "“Damn you,” she hisses, tongue lashing out as if she could poison him with it—maybe she wishes she could"" as it encapsulates the feelings between the couple in a single line.

Ending - This was just beautiful. The one line that said "They don’t smile or kiss or anything; there’s still grief weighing heavy in their hearts for that baby girl they never got to name." made me want to honestly cry. It hits you very hard, and gives you, well, I don't honestly know how to describe it - that kind of sympathetic feeling towards characters that you wouldn't always sympathise with. But it was stunning.

Favourite lines - As well as the ones mentioned above, I would also like to mention the following lines, which I think were very, very good:

"...red eyes sharp like a pinnacle and lips pressed together, stained by a sheet of mucus and saltwater. " - Possibly some of the best descritption I've ever read. It even gave me a slightly salty taste in my mouth.

"They weren’t the merciful little institutions like TV made them out to be. They almost seemed like they enjoyed tormenting them, making them wallow in their mistakes." - I loved this, going against common beliefs. It made it more personal for the characters, and for the reader.

She was never beautiful, eyes like rotten peas and lips like a bruise in his mind, and he was playing that zombie game again, which was probably why he was so grotesque with his imagery." - This made me smile. I love the smilie of the the bruise, because it fits perfectly with his feelings towrds her and her appearance. And then the zombie game part was genius. I don't know if it was intended, but it did make me smile. It added the little touch of humour that this story needed.

Constructive Critiscm - This is just personal taste, but I'm not a fan of swearing that frequently in a story. I felt that it almost slowed the story down at points, which is a shame, because the rest of the writing had a lovely flow.

Other than that, I think that you have a very promising talent. I liked your almost-there-but-just-leave-a-little-bit-for-the-reader-to-add-themselves style of description - It's unique and very clever. This truly is a very good piece of work.

Well done!

Okay, Isa, I'm tired of you finding the most noncliche ways to start a story. You're simply unbeatable.

She’s not beautiful, that much he knows- Everyone starts with glorifying their characters right away but you did the opposite and that was kind of brilliant.

The beginning intro as a whole was a good opener but this part threw me off: trying not to let the fear wobble her composure. I don't think wobble is the best word for the part. To me it threw off the serious tone and made me almost want to laugh. That, of course, might just be me finding the word too funny.

It wasn’t mind-blowing or anything, and he was almost too tired to thrust after a few minutes, and she was too tight and too stiff and too loud when she moaned. Once again, I like how you don't exactly glorify the sex. Most oneshots I've read glorify the whole thing.

The quick changing between scenes was a little confusing at first but not entirely. In the past part, I suggest making it italicized or added more reference to it being part of the past. Once again, it may just be the way I read.

This is really going to get repetitive but your originality in your stories are great. I've read stories where when the girl's parents didn't support her she always went running to the boy and they lived happily ever after. I'm glad you keep up with the whole 'she hates him' thing.

Oh and before I forget, you're great at describing things but sometimes you describe it too much where it looses it's poetic flow and turns into one of those 'what the hell' type of things.

In the seventh(?) section I really like how you began it with: She was never beautiful, eyes like rotten peas and lips like a bruise in his mind, and he was playing that zombie game again, which was probably why he was so grotesque with his imagery.

And then ended it with: He tried to breathe, evenly; one inhale and two exhales to make up for it, and hoped on everything there was to hope on that she was okay. He tried not to think of how he would feel if she were gone.

I guess I really like it because it makes it seem all so much more real. Most humans, even if they don't like the person, have some kind of connection to them regardless.

She asks for him first, not her parents or anyone else but him, and when he goes inside he expects rage and despair and certainly not this; sad lips and sadder eyes and she only begins when he settles on the chair beside her.

“It was a girl.”

It sinks in, half-understanding, and realizes they never did talk about names. He doesn’t move, doesn’t speak, only listens and she always was stronger than him.

Not only does it sink in for him, but it does for the readers too. It was magnificent how you made me feel like I just lost a baby. It made me want to cry. :XD

They don’t smile or kiss or anything; there’s still grief weighing heavy in their hearts for that baby girl they never got to name. Her lips curl up crooked, and she traps his gaze with the unprettiest eyes he’s ever seen; her face still isn’t perfect, but he thinks that maybe she’s beautiful after all.

Awh, Isa, that made me want to cry. I think that part there held the most emotion to me. Your ending was cliche but at the same time not. I was expecting for them to either stay hating each other or to fall in love and you have them right in the middle and that was brilliant.

All in all, it was very amazing. I say just try and work on describing things. Sometimes you don't need a pretty metaphor for something simple. It is possible to clog your stories up with metaphors. You've got a talent for describing- just don't push it too much. :tehe:

Story/Review Game:cute:

Hi! Me again... I've been reviewing like all your stuff lately. Not that I mind... it's actually a great past time. Onward.. I'm reviewing this as I go. :D

Firstly... I like the title/layout/chapter title very much. I just thought I'd tell you that. The minute I saw this I was like "Ohh... I have a feeling I'm going to like this. It's a great start so far even though I haven't even read the first line.

The minute I finished the first paragraph I was kind of thinking like... :disgust: This girl is going to be a bitch. The image of her having mucus and saltwater is almost disgusting to me. I mean... I'm figuring the setting is some sort of a beach and she's exiting the ocean and that happens a lot when you go swimming... but just the blunt wording of it made it seem gross. Which is a good thing, I'd assume. I just hope this girl isn't a bitch... and if she must be one, I'm hoping she's damned good at her job. :snob

Ohhh... -head smack- she's pregnant and she's pissed off and the salt water is really tears. God damn you, woman. I never would have though to call tears salt water. I dont' know where I got the beach from. I guess my brain wasn't being all the way open or something. :lmfao I just feel kind of stupid rright now. Ahahaha... good job with that one. You had me all "wtf" for a minute.

One thing I noticed and really like was at the end of that segment you let the reader know that her anger was coming out of fear. You'd think that it would be kind of self-explanitory that she was just scared, but I liked how it was subtle the way you made it known ...and if he focuses on that maybe he can ignore the taut knuckles knotting over her knees, trying not to let the fear wobble her composure. I personally don't think that she was doing a very good job at keeping her composure... but who would after finding out that they were pregnant? Just the fact that she was still trying really stood out. The guy too... he was trying to act as if she wasn't scared. I'm getting the feeling that they both are really young and the beginning so far seems really realistic.

Now, I can't tell you why I like the next section so much. I mean.. it's actually kind of.. not depressing, and not quite sad either. It's just kind of a "fuck you" thing to me. Not exactly a in that in your face kind of way, but more subtle which I've gathered you're really good at doing. Nothing is glamorous or romantic in here, and while I like that sort of thing if it were like that in this particular story I don't think I would like this very much at all. The party scene and the way you mentioned that the girl wasn't very pretty and actually rather boring was perfect for me.

It wasn’t mind-blowing or anything, and he was almost too tired to thrust after a few minutes, and she was too tight and too stiff and too loud when she moaned. Gosh... I like this part right here a lot. I like the whole paragraph... (:tehe:), but this part really stood out. The girl, to put it bluntly, just sounds like a whore. I'm getting the sense that she's one of those girls who likes to pretend that she's not a whore but secretly goes behind the bleechers and screws the whole football team. One of those closet whores who doesn't want every one to know. I think the fact that she was boring looking makes me think that as well, because she strikes me as the quiet type who gets all loud and obnocious when she's drunk. One of those kind of people.

Her reaction to being preganant in the begining adds to my assumptions. She was just mad because she knows that she made a bad decision. Even though it's not entirely her fault. It takes two to tango. :file:

Gosh. The wheat crackers on her lips make me kinda grossed out as well. I imagined like.. mushy wet crackers sticking to way to moist lips. She just sounds like a gross person to me. Not clean... one of those people who never shower and have greasy hair... and just. ugh. Like a female Bert McCracken although he kinda pulls it off in some weird way. Off topic, but okay. Just her whole... her habits are just gross to me, but it adds to her character. I don't like her very much at all, but it fits. One of those people you love to hate. I do feel a bit bad for her though.

I don't like the way that she treats the guy. It makese sense that she's mad, but I highly doubt that he wanted to get her pregnant. He's being really mature about it, but at the same time he isnn't because he's feeding her anger/bad attitude. I really wish I could smack this bitch across the face though. :grr: I just dont' like her at all. She's just unpleasant in my opinion. GAH. Great characterization for her though.

I was going to tell you that I wasn't noticing much character in the male character, but I'm begining to notice some. It's not as strong as the girls but he seems to be a bit aloof to me. He lets things pass him by and tries to get along without saying to much. I like that about him. He just seems like a really chill guy who made a big mistake. Not a mistake, exactly.. or maybe it was. I don't know.. a child really couldn't be a mistake because no human really is. It just wasn't his time for a kid and he made the wrong decision and got some girl pregnant. I don't think that made much sense, but yeah.

She seems human now. Before she was just some sort of a monster to me and now, I actually genuinly feel bad for her. The way she didn't want to give the baby up made me sad. It made me wonder what I would do in a situation like that and I honestly don't know. I just... damn. Then the simple way he agreed by throwing the papers into the trash.... the girl just seemed normal to me now. As normal as a pregnant teen could seem, I mean. She still the same person I think... now she just has some sort of a... she has a different layer. Once you get past the tough, ugly wall she puts up you can see that the "bitch" actually has feelings. I liked that section. :file:

The guy feels bad for her. I would too if my clothes didn't fit. I thought it was an asshole-ish thing of him to say about the donuts. She can't help it #1 and #2... she's fucking pregnant. Gosh... she's gonna get fat anyways. leave her the hell alone. I think that's the first time I wanted to really beat the male character up. As much as I really don't like this chick, I think I'll have to side with her on this one.

Hmm... I don't know what to say about the next part. I really don't. There is so much to say that I don't know where to begin. I want to know how the baby died and then I want to know why the guy wasn't demanded some sort of an explination. Was it shock or... what was it? I'm feeling a whole bunch of things at once, and I'm sorry, but I just don't know what to say... just that I'm a little sad at the moment.

-sigh-... I like her now, I think. I'm finally seeing just how human she is. I wonder what's going to happen with them, though. I think that well... they'd go good together in some odd way. They don't get along at all, and I highly doubt that they really would try again anyways, but if they did, they'd be good to me. I don't know...

I'm sorry I didn't get to say to much about the ending because it really was really good. I just dont' know what to say about most of it. It left me shocked and in awe. So much that I was just lost for words. Later on, if I can think of something more... profound and intellectual to say rather than "damn that was good" I'll get back here and write it down. But until then, just know that this was really well-written and that I hope you win.

Final note: I like how at the begining of each section you described her "not beautiful-ness" in a different way. Also the way you put it in the end of the last section, but had the guy notice that in some odd way she was beautiful.. that was smart. Good job with that.

At the moment, I doubt you'll recieve an entirely coherent comment, so I'll save the mind-vomit for later... for now:

That was beautiful, moving, and real. You have a talent.

For the story/review game.

Good story! I'm gonna make a list, rather than just mind-puking. :tehe:

Favourite Aspects

Characterisation. I liked the realism. The boy's references to her 'beauty' or lack thereof were very effective, I felt--it kind of shaped the boy's personality, for me; the kind of superficial notions he has about relationships in the beginning, and how they change as the pregnancy goes on--it's almost as if the whole situation is forcing him to get a grip and grow up and realise there's more to it than physical attraction. Very interesting.

Dialogue. Some of the very best lines in this piece are in the dialogue. They captured some of the emotion better than any of the fancy descriptions, eg.
“I am not going to discuss a future with you"--your use of italics here was sublime, and I know it's not something people normally go wild for, but it's just very vivid.

Favourite Lines.

Your writing is definitely at its best when it's simple:

"A fighter, just like you, he mused, but not out loud." Maybe my favourite line. Very sweet.

"fat jiggling in a most unflattering manner" I kind of smirked. Descriptions like this keep the atmosphere from getting too oppressive and cliché.

"They don’t smile or kiss or anything" For some reason I liked this. It's almost like poetry---it seems to follow the rhythm of free speech. I like your writing style whenever you let go of your inhibitions and stop thinking too much about what you're saying.

"It (howdare they) was dead, the text said" -- another of those perfectly stylish moments of yours. I love this.

Constructive Criticism.
You're a great natural writer, as is obvious from the vividness of your dialogue, certain descriptions and the way you phrase things. If I had to name a flaw in the style of your writing, it would be self-consciousness. Certain parts seem like you're straining to load up your writing with metaphors and similes instead of giving very precise descriptions.
For example, "lips painted a wrong shade of red"--this is fine, except, what's a wrong shade of red? If you'd said, "her lips were painted an orange-red that was too bright for her pale skin tone" or something, it would've given me a more vivid image in my mind.
And "eyes exploding"--how do eyes explode?
This is just my taste, but some day I'd really love to see what you come out with when you strip down your writing and free it of all the crazy imagery.
:cute:

Other stuff: I didn't see many technical errors, except that you misspelled "pixelated" and didn't capitalise "God" at one point.

Very well done, overall! You're going to be famous some day. :tehe:

Thanks to the title, Call Me Red, I half-expected some kind of murder story. :tehe: I was wrong. I read this, and...my mouth is hanging open. It's brutal and right to the point, a rare sight in what I've read.

“Maybe we shouldn’t panic…” One line shows us so much fear and panic in a voice we can't hear, especially "maybe". Typical behaviour on boys, eh? :XD

I find it extremely effective, the way you started nearly every paragraph with, "She's not beautiful". That made me smile, because in many stories I've seen, the main character is always unfailingly, indescribably beautiful. You gave her flaws, which nobody seems to give their characters anymore. ;)

"It wasn’t mind-blowing or anything, and he was almost too tired to thrust after a few minutes, and she was too tight and too stiff and too loud when she moaned. Much emotion is contained here, that sex is painful and not always sweetness and light.

“Gonna be fucking humiliating, showing up in school, like a… like a—“

“Like a what?”

“Like a fucking balloon, you moron.” It made me smile and go :con: when I realised that this relationship wasn't steady. They weren't in love and they were cursing constantly at each other. That is what a relationship needs, and you gave it that.

She’s not beautiful, eyes exploding like a landmine. Now that line is perfection itself. :cheese:

"It (how dare they) was dead" That line gave me a great sense of loss and emptiness. You got straight to the point, and the (how dare they) part was timed perfectly.

"Oh god, her ballooned stomach, sliced open now, deflated now; poked with needles and scalpels and they were taking it out, taking it out now, leaving only room for red, lots of red, emptiness like a red balloon with holes, hurtling towards the ground and holy fucking shit, there must have been so much red…" Perfectly sickening. The image appeared in my head instantly. :cheese: I love how you simply said 'red' instead of 'blood and guts and gore and [insert body part names]". One word conveys all the fear and panic perfectly, and red is symbolic of anger.

"Her lips curl up crooked, and she traps his gaze with the unprettiest eyes he’s ever seen; her face still isn’t perfect, but he thinks that maybe she’s beautiful after all. That was sweet. :tehe:

I'm seriously not kidding when I can't think of con crit. This was amazing, Isa. :arms:

Whoah, this was amazing. Can I put this on my list of pwnful stories on my profile, please? I just...wow. This was great. I only skim-read it when you PM'd me it, but reading it now and taking everything in, this is easily one of the best things I've read on here. You are amazing. :tehe: I loved the layout, too. Pretty simplistic, which was good. It suited the story well.

The way you opened it was interesting, what with the fact that she wasn't beautiful, and I like the fact that you revisited this over the full course of the story. I liked how you made sure the reader was aware of the fact that she wasn't beautiful, it shows that your character isn't this stunning woman who everybody runs after and worships her beauty, like I've seen in so many stories on here. This was very clever and I liked it.

I like how he's all calm and trying to think things through. “Maybe we shouldn’t panic…” but she's swearing angrily at him and it's a little bit like she doesn't want to think straight. He seems like somebody who keeps a cool head in the face of danger, and she's the exact opposite. I like how you've made them opposites, it makes it a lot more lifelike because of the fact that they always seem to argue and have opposing opinions.

This description was spot on. eyes too far apart and lips too thin, hair slightly too dull and slack against the boniness of her chin I like the detail you've gone into here, showing that she's got these flaws and they set her apart from others who maybe have eyes that are just the right distance apart, or people with perfect hair.

I really liked how he tried to blame the fact that he slept with her on other things. Alcohol loosened her laughter, and apparently loosened his brain. He wants to blame the fact that he's drunk, he wants to blame her. But I think that secretly, deep down inside himself, he knows that it's just as much his fault as hers. But he doesn't want to face up to that fact. He'd prefer to live in a land where he's the innocent person and nothing is his fault.

This was a nice touch. she was too tight and too stiff and too loud when she moaned I liked the fact that the sex wasn't perfect and it adds to the whole "she's not beautiful" idea, because it shows that she's not a perfect person; she's not great at having sex, she's not blessed with looks and she's not the person that he would normally go for.

She comes across as a person who doesn't have a lot of self esteem. I'd be quite certain that's because she knows that people don't think she's beautiful, so she doesn't regard herself very highly. “Like a fucking balloon, you moron.” I think this was quite a symbolic description and very clever. It's a great metaphor and just slots into the story so easily.

I think this was really cold. “At least I'm not gonna transform into a ‘fucking balloon.’” I think it was a heartless thing to say, but at the same time it comes across as something he would say (if that makes sense?). I get the impression that he's not a very sensitive person (at least, not in this part of the story) and he doesn't often take into account the feelings of others.

I liked that his parents were on their side, and it made sense that they were. It was almost like they expected it - what with his brother being in jail and such - and I liked that you described him as wanting to be different from his brother. And he is, really, but at the same time he shares an irresponsibility with his brother and I'm glad that you took the time to link the pair of them together like that. Makes it flow better.

I think that sometimes he does things without thinking, even though he tries to keep a cool head a lot of the time. he answered hello with more edge to his voice than he ever intended. Inside himself, he knows that he was a bit too harsh, but it's like a subconscious thing that he does, it's like he's got an aversion to her because of the situation they're in and he thinks that by blocking her out with unkind words, maybe he'll be able to forget about it all.

Sometimes she's a little too harsh on him. “Fuck you!” She snarls. I think her reaction to his offer of marriage - even though it was a little rash of him to do so - was a bit of a harsh reaction. I think that she wants to blame him - even though it's as much her fault as his - and she's a little bit edgy when she's around him.

The bit with the adoption agency was kinda sad. They almost seemed like they enjoyed tormenting them, making them wallow in their mistakes. I think that the adoption agency views the pair of them as two irresponsible teenagers - which to some extent they are, but the fact that he wants to be a responsible person by getting the child adopted shows that they are facing up to what happens. I'll admit, I kind of guessed that she wouldn't want to give the kid up, but it was nice to see that she'd accompanied him everywhere, not saying a word against or otherwise. I think that at first, she wanted him to have an input, but as the time passed, she felt less and less like she wanted to give the child away.

She informed him how she felt it kick, inside her. I liked how you made the word informed italicized (bolded in the quote), it gave the impression that she made sure he knew how much it meant to her, and really emphasized the whole thing. She really cares for her unborn child and she wants him to know how she feels about the situation, something that she hasn't seemed to have done before this point.

It was quite symbolic that he put the papers into the bin, in the end. I think that he's decided that he'll go along with whatever she wants. I see this as the turning point in the story of the "relationship" between them. Something that has been built on hate and is only really there because of the link between them has blossomed into a friendship of mutual respect for one another. And I'm glad that happened because it gives the oneshot a slightly lighter feel, which was good - due to what happens in a few paragraph's time.

This almost brought me to tears. he was on the verge of jibe number two when she releases a wail, and his eyes widen in pure astonishment. (sorry to quote so much) I think it's the fact that he was just about to say another cruel comment to her before she bursts into tears and I think that as his eyes widened in astonishment, he felt ever so slightly guilty about what he'd just said to her. And I think he regrets saying it, a little.

I like how you took the time to show his childlike qualities throughout. used his bike like the child he still was It shows that he's not adult enough to be able to drive down there and has to make do, which is why he takes his bike. and he knows he has to be there, so he just rides his bike. I think he would have just run, if he'd not had a bike or anything, given the severity of the situation.

It makes me feel sad that her parents were just so cold about the whole situation - referring to the child as it, and explaining the situation to him in an air that was a cross between relief and triumph. They really don't like him, and they seem to totally blame him for what happened. They can't see that he cares about what's going to happen, all they see is this kid that got their daughter pregnant.

Was clever that you revisited the whole idea that she was a balloon. skin that had stretched and grown and carried something, like air in a balloon… I think it was important that you revisited this metaphor and it's an absolutely perfect description of her. I can really picture it in my mind and the way you've constructed the whole thing was flawless.

I just feel complete sympathy for him, here. He tried not to think of how he would feel if she were gone. Over the past few months, he's grown accustomed to her and he knows that he'd hurt if she died. He's grown attached to her, despite their original differences and the fact that at first, the only thing that linked them together was the child. He now views her as a completely different person.

I like the simplicity of this sentence, and the fact it was a paragraph of its own was good. “It was a girl.” It makes it stand out and I think this was one of the most important lines in the whole story. It makes the child seem more real, even though it didn't survive, and I'm glad I knew whether the child was a boy or a girl, because I wouldn't like to refer to her as an it.

The last paragraph! Arghh That was such a sweet way to end it. her face still isn’t perfect, but he thinks that maybe she’s beautiful after all. All the way through the story, it's made clear that she's not beautiful. But to him, she is - at the end of it all. She's beautiful inside, and it doesn't matter that her hair's not perfect, or her eyes aren't the right distance apart. Because she's beautiful to him, and that's the main thing.

I absolutely adored this story. I've read over it a few times in an attempt to find something to give you some con-crit on, but I'm really not lying when I said I found nothing. This was amazing. :arms:

Why, hello. ;;P
Once again, I like this layout. It’s simple but beautiful.

Your style of writing in this is quite different to what I’m used to. It’s less poetic and more brutal, which I think works really effectively. Whilst I enjoy your imagery and metaphors and whatnot, sometimes it doesn’t seem real, if you get what I mean. And yet, here we are with a real situation that could happen to any two teenagers. It needs to hit home and invoke emotions in the reader, and it does. So, in short, I love the style of your writing in this. :XD

With the repetition of ‘she’s not beautiful’, I just knew at the end somehow this guy would see her as being beautiful to a certain degree. I like the way it was set up, the reader has it drummed into them that no, she isn’t beautiful and she’s described with such horrible, vivid imagery – lips pressed together, stained by a sheet of mucus and saltwater and fat jiggling in a most unflattering manner. I know this is from a third person perspective but I get the sense it’s from this guy’s point of view. The tone seems quite biased, in a way, because it’s got all the negative things about her and only a little bit about him. :think:

But, on the other hand, I get the feeling he loves her. Underneath all the negativity and the supposed hatred, I think he really does love her. But somehow, I think he doesn’t quite know how to do romance, to do love. I don’t know, that’s just what I’m getting from this character. And whilst she isn’t beautiful, I think he’s got more of his own internal problems and issues to worry about. :tehe:

She seems aggressive and quite abrupt but at the same time, I feel for her. I don’t dislike her at all. Hell, I’d be rude and upset in her position. I don’t dislike the boy either. I think he’s slightly shallow and judgemental but I think that might be because he’s shocked and stuck in a situation he never wanted to be in.

Frankly he doesn’t know what to do, and he goes nearer to stroke her hair back, and fuck he doesn’t know what he’s thinking… This is significant, to me at least. I think it backs up my point that he does love her. The fact that he reacts like this without thinking shows he has her best interests in mind and cares about her, even though he wants to hide it.

something inside him vaguely aching – That as well. I believe he doesn’t want to see her sad or in pain.

The ending highlights this as well, with him suggesting that they try again. I loved that, I thought it was really quite beautiful, in a weird way but without being cheesy or cliché. Again, they’re far from perfect, with her perceived ugliness and bitterness and with his… perception of her. Nothing is quite resolved, which is both dissatisfying and intriguing. Half of you wants it to end happily, after the tragic loss they both suffer. But at the same time, you know it shouldn’t, it wouldn’t and it doesn’t. Which is good. What this last bit does is calm it down. All the anger and bitterness disappears to a certain extent and we see them talking civilly to each other for the first time, which is better than just having them happy and perfectly content. They don’t love each other, but they understand each other, which is a step forward.

I also love the use of red. Red is symbolic of anger, obviously, and there’s so much anger in both of them. You don’t say blood, you say red. I can sense so much anger and I don’t know, in this part, it seems like he’s dreading the anger that will face him when he sees her after the miscarriage. I think it’s a bit scared of her, especially as you say that she was stronger than him. :think:

Basically, again, I could pick out huge chunks and waffle on about it for ages and ages. But I won’t. That would be a waste of both of our time. So, I’ll leave you with this – you nearly made me cry. It’s lovely and you deserve to win, or at least place. :cute:

:cheese: Well you were definately right about this not being something the reader would expect. Though I must say it wasn't terrible upsetting. I mean of course it was, it's just that, I guess I saw a sort of hope in the end, you know?

She’s not beautiful, that much he knows, red eyes sharp like a pinnacle and lips pressed together, stained by a sheet of mucus and saltwater. She glares as if no one ever did before her, as if she’d invented the damn expression, though he wouldn't really be surprised if she did.

I love that you began this with that part. I love how you describe everything throughout but I like the imagrey here best. The bit about her glaring tells me a lot about her character.

The house emptied a bit, and he took her hand and headed upstairs, to the balcony. They talked. His fingers shook as he tried to light his cigarette, she smiled so rare and it paled in the moonlight but it was kind of pretty, nevertheless. At some point she leaned on him, smelling of sour lemons and salt. At some point they stumbled into a bedroom. At some point he kissed her.
I really love this part. It's the first (maybe the only?) real part where there's something there aside from a shared hatred; almost some sort of like maybe... Something soft; you get it. It's my favorite and probably the sweetest part in the whole story.

She’s not beautiful, eyes tired as if she tries to sleep but can’t, and there are crumbs of wheat crackers sticking to her lips, and there’s nothing ladylike in the way she licks the cream cheese off her hand.

“Gonna be fucking humiliating, showing up in school, like a… like a—“

“Like a what?”

“Like a fucking balloon, you moron.”

Now it makes sense. :tehe: Did I mention how I really love how you keep mentioning how she's isn't beautiful. I do like that; it makes things fit, I think. I like how she's portrayed as something ugly or on the verge of being such, but by the end you can tell he still sees something in her. (Yes, I read before I reviewed.)

He scoffs, leans back and relishes the scrape of the chair against the floor, the wince across her features as she hears the whine. He knows she hates it, and she hates him for knowing.

“Well, considering how much you eat…”

“I’m eating for two, thanks to you, you little shit. I have your fucking genetic material floating inside me now.” A smudge of cream dots her cheek. “Poor embryo, half you.”

“At least I'm not gonna transform into a ‘fucking balloon.’”

He ducks the half-peeled banana that’s thrown his way, and he wonders if they’d be blamed for starting a food fight.

:XD This part is terrible. He sounds like such an asshole, but I guess that's alright; it would make sense, I suppose. I was just a little surprised that he said that, but I think I kept forgetting that she doesn't just hate him; they hate each other. Or, they're suppose to. I also love everything that she says in this bit, if that makes any sense. :tehe:

She was crying, no doubt about that, a hitch in her 'fuck you's and sobs corrupting the news that no, they wouldn’t support her, they’d have kicked her out if she was eighteen, and she was on her own, not even sure if they’d pay for her college tuition. He reasoned maybe they were just shocked, were refusing to think straight and maybe it’d be okay; she'd played the model child for so long they couldn’t imagine that she—

A bit more strength in her ‘fuck you’ this time, more force than was ever needed when she hung up, but at least she stopped crying.

I love this part too. It shows that she's vulnerable in a sense, that she's scared; in response it shows that he wants to help or to be there for her, I think. Sort of foreshadowing maybe...? It seems like that to me. I've witnessed this once, and it's really quite wonderfully surprising when it occurs, if one plays part in it or is just a witness.

She wanted to keep it, she said. She didn’t want to give it up, give it away, to some stranger’s house where they didn’t know, didn’t know what would happen—

Her gaze had lowered to her stomach, and her clammy entwined palms posed a sheen of sweat in the fluorescent. She informed him how she felt it kick, inside her. Now she can’t let go.

A fighter, just like you, he mused, but not out loud.

It was the stupidest decision she’d ever made, and both of them were well aware of it. He didn’t ask how they’d raise it, how they could ever handle it—fuck, they were barely out of high school, they didn’t even love each other, how could they—?

He put the pen down, stood up and crumpled the papers before he threw it in the trash.
Again, there's so much here. I almost can't believe that after everything she decided that she wanted to keep the baby. I'm glad he doesn't ask questions; if I ws him I definately would. By this point I can kind of tell that all that hatred is being replaces with a very mild liking, at least on his part. That and it makes the ending all the more upsetting.

It (she, she, how dare they) was dead, the text said. She was dead and they had to take it out of her before she could contaminate her body and take her with it. Her parents had an air that was a cross between relief and triumph as they told him in person, in the waiting area paces from the operating room. He could have punched them—yes, both of them, her father with the ripple creases on his forehead and her mother with dated pearls like globes hanging from her ears—if there wasn’t anything better to think about.

So I definately want to hit someone at this point? :cheese: Her parents are such jerks... You described them perfectly. I mean, I can see them, and with the addition of how they feel about the dead baby just works, and it's... just sickening.

She asks for him first, not her parents or anyone else but him, and when he goes inside he expects rage and despair and certainly not this; sad lips and sadder eyes and she only begins when he settles on the chair beside her.

Is this the only part we aren't reminded that she isn't beautiful? I'm not sure if that would fit here or not, but for now I'm glad it wasn't added but her eyes and lips are still noted. I wouldn't expect anything but her asking for him, really.

“It was a girl.”

It sinks in, half-understanding, and realizes they never did talk about names. He doesn’t move, doesn’t speak, only listens and she always was stronger than him.
It's beautiful and terrible. Mostly terrible, having to think about this baby dying without ever being named, and it definately doesn't sound like the type of hospital that would put anything nice together for the mother, just to acknowledge that there was a baby at all.

They don’t smile or kiss or anything; there’s still grief weighing heavy in their hearts for that baby girl they never got to name. Her lips curl up crooked, and she traps his gaze with the unprettiest eyes he’s ever seen; her face still isn’t perfect, but he thinks that maybe she’s beautiful after all.

The ending is so perfect. It fits them from what the reader knows, you know? And I like how he keeps trying to reassure her that they could try again; it's so bizarr but it's such a sweet thing to do. I mean I really don't think that is what's in her mind, but... I don't know; I'm not you.

Overall the whole thing was wonderful, and I'm sorry I'm so awkward at this. :XD I can't find the right words to express how perfect this was. I'm sorry.
But it was amazing.:arms: Like you.

Sh-hi-hi-it. (whee! I got first comment!)

I saw "Red Balloon Challenge" and I was thinking about like, that happy song about 99 red balloons. Not this twisted Juno.

I'll tell you, I actually don't like the "she's not beautiful" repitition, but I don't think it's something that's change-able or deletable, especially because of the ending. I actually kind of like her. I'd tell you I'd hang out with her, but she'd probably punch me in the face.

I also didn't like the part where he says "There would be so much red." I really think that should have been "blood" instead of "red", but really its your call. That's the word I would have preferred.

What I do like is your characters and their own separate story. Because its like, when the story starts, you don't know who they are, if they're even friends. But somewhere, without really caring or noticing, they fall in love without actually falling in love. It's not teddy bears and chocolate love. It's... love. Grudging? I don't know.

It did seem odd when he said "we can try again", but it also makes sense. Because its not like they'll immediately try again and it says without really saying that they're gonna stay together. And I like the little under-theme of "love can make people beautiful".

I likes this bery much. =D