The Breakdown of Natalie Whitman - Comments

I don't want to keep taking up your little pages of comments, so I'll stick with this one and comment the chapters in sections, it's making me angry going back and forth, I want to keep reading, dammit.

So. Natalie is emotional about getting a bad grade-- hell. Been ther edone that with my parents, I cried every so often until a turning point in my life, which is when I do not care anymore, and ignore the screams. But I know how she feels. I know how she feels.

Phillips seems nice enough, better than that Daphne chick. I know what you're trying to convey with Daphne, but. I don't like icky sweet people, they just piss me off, period. I'll edit this when I have read more.

Things seem to be heating up, which is good, I finally got to the part that you took out of your story, the "I'm not gay!" part, and it made sense now and things are getiing better.

Still don't like Daphne, and Ella, I like. She's a different kind of girl I never really see in teenage books like these (not that I read many of them, for that matter) I hope you update soon, I'd like to read more.

I got disappointed when there was no chapter eleven.

Chapter four.

I knew there was something up with Daphne, and I did not enjoy reading about her, in the first place. Too icky sweet for my tastes, not a character I enjoy, but her side gave you a bit more insight to Natalie and the story, so I stomahced her niceness and read on.

There seems to be more to Phillips than I thought, so that's good at least. And Natalie, Natalie. Getting defensive about the boyfriend/girlfriend subject, eh? Hm, maybe I am not like her, but I suppose fronts make you think you're getting along with someone, depending on where you are when you meet them.

I like Natalie's last name. It reminds me of the chocolates that people give out during Valentine's Day. I have a character named Natalie and it gets me slightly confused on which one I am reading about-- which is good, I am into the story.

Next chapter.

Chapter three.

Alright, back to this woman. No wonder she is a bit shy, that happened to her. Still not liking her, though. I'm not that type of gal, I've got a "mask" the way you put it, but not like that. I hide my emotions, but for total different reasons.

The chapter seemed to pass by quickly, I suppose I'm getting used to the characters, still no fan of the plot, but I'm still reading, I want to see the reasons for people and the reasons behind people. This woman has changed from a man to a petite girl, which is a dramatic change, but realistic when you learn about people.

Now. Daphne.

I'll say it: I don't like her. There's something up with her. I don't like her nice attitude in the least bit.

Seems to nice. I hate icky sweet things.

Chapter two.

A few sentences did not make sense and at one point I think you meant "gaze" not "gazed". But I might have read it wrong, it was in the last pararaph, after the "chill" thing.

Now, I like Natalie. She seems to be a bit of a brat, yes, but. There has got to be a reason for it, and I am most likely about to read any find that out. I like her opinion on the doctor and I like her attitude to the boyfriend and girlfriend subject.

Sounds a bit like me, so I can relate. Hell, it sounds a lot like me. I really have an uncaring attitude towards things like that, so I understand it all perfectly from her view. I like things from her view. I like the writing style much more in this chapter, maybe because it's first view (I hate that view) and it's a different character.

That's most likely the thing. So. Onto chapter three. I'm still reading-- that's a good thing. I normally stop at the first sentence with things.

You wanted comments, so I decided to give them to you. At least one. This is on the first chapter, I'll probably do this for every chapter I read.

I liked the first paragraph, a little bit. The first sentence seemed a bit confusing. I had to re-read it once or twice. The first time I read it, I assumed, by the things I was reading, that it was a man. I found out, from the name, and the last paragraph it wasn't and felt like a complete idiot-- but this is good. The character seemed realistic to me-- different from average women.

I liked the break down of things in paragraph two. How she puts people into different catagories. I like how she is self conscious about herself, but I don't like the giant paragraph. It hurt my eyes.

High school, ugh. Not looking forward to that, this just made me remember how dramatic it's going to be. Not liking that any bit.

In all, I liked the character. Not the writing style, and she seemed to repeat herself a bit, and I hate it when people do that. I might go onto the second chapter, and I hope it gets more interesting.

“You must understand that when I first met Natalie Whitman was over a simple issue.”

I really liked how it begun with this line, because it was attention-grabbing, but not something cliché or over-dramatic.

I thought that the whole Mrs. Torres issue was a bit confusing, but I really liked how you saw both sides of the issue. What I did find confusing was that Natalie was so outraged at Mrs. Torres, while Mrs. Torres was completely oblivious to why she made Natalie angry. I was kind of confused on that, too. Was it because she asked her about who she liked that one time? If so, I thought it was a bit extreme for Natalie to hate her so fiercely.

I also thought it was a bit extreme, for Natalie to step in front of the car just to avoid talking to her mother about the grade on her paper. I know that was the intention, but I just had trouble believing it, even for someone as concerned about her mother’s opinion as Natalie.

I did like the correlation between the whole theme of “masks,” and how that tied into Natalie’s relationship with her mother, though. The reader kind of starts to understand Natalie’s strange demeanor once you find out that she is abused by her mother.

I really like how all the characters have a really strong voice, as well as secrets that they all seem to be keeping that affect the way they interact with one another. I’m excited to see where this goes.

Another great chapter =D I didn't expect that, Ella surprised me. I didn't think that she would be into ... playing the flute xD (that innuendo was great.)

Can't wait to see more!

Ella, as far as I can tell, is going to be a bigger element than I thought.

Another look into the relationship between Natalie and her mother.

Mrs. Whitman has not only a warped sense of discipline but a superiority complex. Go figure.

I played the flute, too. Middle school, 2 years. I'm probably crap at it by now.

i read your latest chapter and it was really good!! i liked the beginning part where ella said "who cares about dead ppl from the 1800s anyway?" or something like taht. i can related to taht too but i kinda like history...

i liked the end also!! as always you do a fantastic job XD XD

I just stumbled across this story and I have to say … I’m impressed. This is brilliant, some really powerful writing. The characters are so complex and believable and the comparisons you make and the metaphors you use are just … they’re so impressive.

You’re a really talented writer. Totally subscribed and can’t wait to see where this is going!

High school was like a zombie run. You run away from the zombies and if your best friend sprains her ankle, you leave her to become lunch for a bunch of undead monsters. - This is so true, I couldn't have put it better myself!

I can see you like to spend a lot of time on characterization. That's good, because well-made characters make for awesome stories. It is the most used thing in a story, so they should be good. And you've made them good.
I like your analogies, they're cool. And sometimes funny. xD
And good to see that Jennifer is making some progress, as little as it may be.

Hmm....more implicit story twists and great revelations!

With each chapter, you dive deeper and deeper into each character.

There's a lot to this story now, and it just keeps getting better.

i love chapter 10!!!! it was an awesome twist to put taht torres made herself turn into a diabetic. and it also might be implying that natalie is homosexual. and i like how you put that natalies mom thinks taht homosexuality is an extremely bad sin (even though its not to me....) and natalie uses that as an excuse to cover up the fact taht that person (i forgot her name XD) is coming onto natalies secret!!

even though she might not have one...

ooo the suspence is killing me!!! i wonder why she screamed and ran into the bathroom like that!!! hmmm.... we shall see in the next chapter i suppose!!

like always this chapter was really good!!! keep on truckin char!!

You sure know how to leave readers wondering what the hell can possibly happen next.

This update was chock full of intense emotions, and you were careful to handle them all well.

There's so much to all of these characters, it seems like any little event could send anyone of them over the edge.

I'm anticpating whatever comes next.

A very unfortunate event for Natalie. There is a definite case of child abuse here, not just physical but emotional.

The sidenote being, how will Daphne react?

And how will Jennifer fit in to the bigger equation?

Damn! wasn't expecting the crazy moma thing - nice twist i really like it.

very interesting so far! You are a very good writer

I love this! It's fantastic, the characters are very well-defined, and it's definitely going somewhere interesting. So Natalie's mother should probably get hospitalized or something. Or get cancer. :)
I certainly cannot wait for more chapters to be posted! This story is so awesomeeee.
The only thing it really needs is more dialogue. Apart from that it's fantastic! Can't wait for more.
*Subscribes*

wow i love chapter 8!! natalies mom is so horrid!! shes the disgrace not natalie!!