The Origin of the Blue Princess - Comments

  • Ivy7600

    Ivy7600 (100)

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    Have you even decided what time period this is set in? That's the key here, you have no planning whatsoever. If you don't want the whole thing to sound that medieval, pick a different time period. Or invent your own. But this thing needs a lot of work besides spelling and grammar if you're going to get it published.
    August 30th, 2010 at 04:24pm
  • Ivy7600

    Ivy7600 (100)

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    I meant that you needed more research with your characters, not your spelling and grammar. You can fix spelling and grammar pretty easily, but if you have your characters saying things that aren't from that time period, you're screwed no matter what you do.

    What I mean is, if you're going to write a story with kings and queens and princesses in it, make it realistic, or it's just some fantasy farce. I mean seriously, does it take a lot to change 'Sir' to 'Sire'?
    August 24th, 2010 at 10:37pm
  • Ivy7600

    Ivy7600 (100)

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    Hey, I think you should really research some more about how people talk back in those times. Kings and Queens don't go like 'alright' and underservants don't go like 'right?' to their bosses. Right now, it just seems like a corny princess story. I skimmed most of the first chapter. I'm sorry I had to be harsh there.
    June 10th, 2010 at 12:25am
  • IceCreamReunion

    IceCreamReunion (100)

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    I will not go on telling you it is the most fabulous story in the world, Because it need some correction,
    You make your chapters so long its makes them boring you should split some of your story into different chapters that ia shorter, I think it sounds mid evil witch is cool, I sorta skimmed the rest of it because the first paragraph was sooo long but It was alright for what I read, I can see you want to wright so dont let my comment upset you it is fine, Just not good enough, lol j jk jk its good.
    Keep up the fixing- I mean wighting.
    March 27th, 2010 at 03:08am
  • Imperfectly Perfect;

    Imperfectly Perfect; (100)

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    This is a pretty good story, but i think you need to work on your grammar skills. The're kinda lacking in the story. Otherwise it's all good:)
    October 3rd, 2009 at 09:25pm
  • AnotherChanceToLive.

    AnotherChanceToLive. (100)

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    I like it
    it's different no doubt
    you're an awesome writer
    September 20th, 2009 at 01:20am
  • Unneeded intricacy

    Unneeded intricacy (100)

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    not really my type of story i agree with the comments about bad grammar and spelling but if you're considering it as a proper published book then it's better to have some criticism so you can improve what you've got.
    it could turn out great! :)
    July 29th, 2009 at 05:00pm
  • Harlequinbeautie

    Harlequinbeautie (100)

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    I like your story, really I do. You are very good at writing that I have nothing to complain about. My only thing is that your word usage is very repetative. In the very first paragraph in the first chapter you used the word forgotten like...three or four times. Its a big pet peeve of mine, but I mean otherwise you are definatly on the right track!
    July 28th, 2009 at 07:39am
  • Fly Birdy Fly

    Fly Birdy Fly (100)

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    Dude, you actually want to get this published? It's awesome.

    But if you really want to have it like, published, why would you post it on the World Wide Web? Where anyone can steal it and claim it as their own?!

    But I like the idea.
    July 24th, 2009 at 04:16am
  • imagine27

    imagine27 (100)

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    I loved it! Especially the first chapter, because you understood that you had to grab your reader with a hook of some sort. Automatically putting your main character in a grave situation is an excellent way to do so. I do think the material is good enough to get published, just make sure to be careful with the character dialogue. I noticed in the beginning that the little girl, Alsia, kept alternating between calling her mother, "Mother" and "Mom". If you're going with the medieval feel to the tale, then you might want to have her stick to using one of the two, preferrably "mother". That's just a tiny quirk I noticed though. Excellent job! And if you're seriously thinking about publishing this piece, be sure to copyright it if you're publishing it on the internet. :)
    July 24th, 2009 at 03:52am
  • BritBrit

    BritBrit (100)

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    Wow, i wrote a lot... Anyway, it would be nice if you could also read my story if you already haven't! :-)
    July 16th, 2009 at 10:54pm
  • BritBrit

    BritBrit (100)

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    Okay, so I read chapter one and i will read chapter 2 and 3 as soon as I have time. Since you want constructive criticism i just going to tell you a couple stuff that could be improved ( I hope you don't mind if i quote some of the things you wrote):

    "At his waist, a reddened sword, dripping with the blood of his last victim, stained the ground as he walked."
    This sentence makes it seem like the sword is staining the ground and not the blood.

    Another thing i when you say “In the middle of the kingdom, Sir.” It's not an error, it's just I think instead of saying the middle, you should site a landmark or something along those lines and then hint that this landmark is somewhere at the center of the kindom. There are other small things like I think you wrote dad once or twice and i don't think they used that word in those times.
    One more thing is your description of the cristal sword. Since it seems like it will play a rather important role in the story, I think the description should be made clearer. I know how hard it is to describe things that are not usually seen, but it took me a while to figure out what it might look like. Other than that I think you should have a friend or teacher read your work and highlight all the mistakes and things that could be editied.
    I love the way you portrayed the queen and how though she was a strong woman, she still could not refrain from crying and over all I like the first chapter a lot.
    Good luck writing and i will try to read more chapters.
    July 16th, 2009 at 10:52pm
  • horatio waffles

    horatio waffles (100)

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    I really like this story, good job!
    July 12th, 2009 at 07:49pm
  • helloxthere

    helloxthere (100)

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    i know you have a reason for all the spelling mistakes, but they were really distracting. if you used spellcheck, it would really help a lot. also, i know someone mentioned about how Raval/Ravel changes from an a to an e all the time. i know you said you wanted to switch between the POVs a lot but i think you could be more organized about it and maybe split them up or divide them with a line or something. it was really jumpy. it would be one person and then suddenly someone else. your story overall though was decent and i think it has potential. i wouldn't give up and i admire your determination. with a lot of work, it could turn out to be really good.
    July 6th, 2009 at 11:53pm
  • KrisKissLuv

    KrisKissLuv (100)

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    OMGEEE! I WANT MORE!!! PLEASE POST MORE!!!
    June 30th, 2009 at 08:23pm
  • CelinoAltair

    CelinoAltair (150)

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    wow great story
    June 30th, 2009 at 01:15am
  • FoxLuverGirl

    FoxLuverGirl (100)

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    I thought it was really good. Keep up the good work!! :D
    June 27th, 2009 at 09:18pm
  • MidnightMassacre ;;

    MidnightMassacre ;; (100)

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    Hey!
    I liked the story and don't worry about your dislexia.
    My sister has severe dislexia and I'm the only one who can read her writing so it wasn't hard to read yours.
    I can totally see this story being published with a few more needed proof readings and revision.
    Keep it up, girl!
    xx,
    Robyn !! <3
    June 27th, 2009 at 10:33am
  • stonehound

    stonehound (100)

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    its a very complicated story, which kinda tells me its gonna be a late teens novel, right? damn, just reading it made my head hurt. BUT other than that its really good, i might look at your story and try to put more effort into mine. of course, i did se some spelling errors, some misused capatalazotion ( gawd i cant spell...) but run thorugh it and it will be awesome. keep going :)
    June 27th, 2009 at 02:59am
  • thing two

    thing two (250)

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    The story was pretty good. There was a lot of uniqueness about it. Sometimes, though, I think you gave too many long sentences at once. Try spreading them out, so it's a variety or short, medium, and long sentences. You've obviously worked very hard on this story, and with more revision and such, I could see this getting published.
    June 26th, 2009 at 03:42pm