The Origin of the Blue Princess - Comments

I enjoyed the second chapter. I admit it IS a little long, but nothing you can't fix. Other then that I hope you c ontinue even tho you said you were not. Unless I read that wrong...I tend to do that. But anywho...keep it up. I'll try and read your other stories soon, but I have to get ready for one of my friends to come over. She wants to proof some stuff I wrote.

I think your story is very good and creative, but it would help if you made the chapters shorter. I did read where you said it is all meant to be one chapter, but maybe you could put chapter # part 1, 2 etc. so that the readers understand the pieces are part of the same chapter but it isn't so long.

i kinda skimmed it a bit mostly because im tired as hell
this was actually surprisingly really good. you write the descriptions very well.
keep up the work and good luck getting it published. im trying to write something too so i know its pretty hard but your doing excellent

Wow. its amazing so far. your a very talented young writer.

I think with more work and with more tightening up of the story plot and grammar checks this could turn into a very good story!I often skip these kind of stories on Mibba as I prefer to read published books as I think they are better but with more work I could see ypu getting this story published.
It may not be completely "original" but hey!How many vampire books have we seen published since the Twilight craze started!
Its obvious yoou have spent alot of time with this story but its obvious you are just dying for people to read it,with good reason if you want it published. But you just have to look at how many people have bothered to comment and read it to know its good and I think you need to stop visiting every newcomer and begging them to read it.People will continue to read it if they like it,but they will not bother if they're not interested in the story.
Anyways,good work and keep it up.And I hope you don't think I'm being a bitch cause you write far better than me anyday!
I'll be looking out for the next chapter.
x

Generally the storyline is a bit cliche. But the story itself is pretty good, and I do believe there are some improvements that can be made. The characters and their names are fairly original, and your vocabulary is wonderful. Keep it up and I'm sure you'll get it published. =]

even though there are some mispelled words, i'm sure you'll fix it before it's publiched. so far, i think the story is good enough to be published and will catch many people's interests especially teenagers.

but i have to say, it's pretty confusing in the middle where they speak ^^

Wow that story was very strong and I love them that way. but maybe some paragraghs would have help and shortwe chapter. anyway I can't wait until the next chapter.

I couldn't really get into the story that well. As far as spelling errors go, typing your story up in word usually helps capture most errors. You are very descriptive though. I don't think I got into the story because it's not my cup of tea, but if it was I'm pretty sure I'd be a fan. keep up the good work!

very interesting story :)

This story is realy great, you should get it published when you are done writeing the story. But that is a great summery. Way 2 go

This is a very interesting story. But If you want more readers, try to use 3rd person pov as less as possible. And for the introduction, introduce the characters, their problems, ages and personalities. It usually works, and maybe change the title to something more eye catching. Browse some stories and look at the titlesfor the stories that have many stars ad maybe you'll get an idea of what people like. Hope I helped =D

I think WickedDeadly said it all.
I agree with her. :shifty

One thing I did notice that she didn't say however is when you have three periods after a sentence, the next sentence doesn't begin with a capital when it should.
Like this:
“Chinc... You will pay for the lives you have ruined and the destruction you have caused our kingdom and its people!” Raval said with such anger... It was terrifying.

I also noticed how you were putting the letters in all capitals when someone was excited. Like at the beginning of chapter two, the very first dialogue. All capitals are not needed to show excitement. Really, they're just annoying to see. You can show excitement using regular writing. All capitals are not needed to get your point across.

Also, in chapter two you need to separate your dialogue a bit more. Youre dialogue is separated good for the most part, but you still need to separate it a bit. Like this paragraph for example:
Chinc kicked at Ravel. Ravel said nothing and only hardened his face more. “Are you ready to see your wife die, Raval?” Chinc asked.

“Your men won't find her or my daughter!” Raval said sternly. Chinc laughed.

“Do you think I would attack your kingdom and not know all the secret places of your castle? The All Seeing Statue, of course, is the most protected route.” Chinc said.

“Chinc, it’s time for you to die now!” Raval screamed.
I didn't see it in chapter one but I do see it often in chapter two. You need to separate the dialogue, if you don't it will get confusing to the read on who is speaking.

With Raval's thoughts, you might want to put them in italics so they're more clear. I got a little confused as to why it was third then went to first until I read it was Raval's thoughts. Here:
The smoke lifted, Raval saw Chinc lying on the ground. With great difficulty, he got up and checked to see if Chinc was alive or dead. He bent down and checked his pulse, it was still strong.

"I could end this now. I could kill him and all of it would be over. Amelia and Alsia would be safe, and so would my kingdom, but I can’t kill him. Not this way. It’s dishonoring, though this man is not worthy of honor; I will not stain my honor for him. No one is worth that and I’d rather die than stain my honor. So, for now, Chinc, you will live and we will end this honorably. Not like rats in a cage," Raval thought to himself.
It would also be wise to put Raval's thoughts, or anyone's for that matter, in a new paragraph. Easier to read that way.

Honey, just like WickedDeadly said, with the way this is written now it probably won't get published. You need to work on the way your dialogue is put a lot. You need to work on your writing a bit.

You need to have someone look over every single chapter you write before you can even consider putting it up anywhere. Obviously, you are not looking over your writing and do not know how to space paragraphs so you need someone to look it over before you post it.

I like the idea you've got going, it seems like a good idea. But your writing could use some help.
Now, the only reason I read this is because I see it on new members pages a lot. I wouldn't have read it if you weren't whoring it out so much.

i thought it was great, hope it buy it one day

Dear Serizenna,

The only reason why I read your story was because, let's face it your whoring it like crazy. But I thought, 'hey, if she wants people to read it that badly, maybe I'll take a look at it too.' I was sorely disappointed. When I first read it, I thought a thirteen year old - since there are so many prowling mibba - had written it. Here are the reasons why:

Using misspelled words in inexcusable! I understand your condition, but Dyslexia is no excuse for bad writing when Mibba has spell check. Or if you don't know how to use that, then I would recommend installing firefox on your computer. With that it underlines all your misspelled words. To summarize, misspelled words in a story, specially when the site you're using, makes it look mediocre.

The constant descriptions of unnecessary things made it sound tacky, and over worked. Simplicity, is the key to good story. Not simple to the point that you only use a few sentences per paragraphs though. While I'm on paragraphs. Yours were broken and didn't mesh. It seemed like you wrote the whole thing, then added paragraphs at random places when you were done. Also, it's a literary rule to start a new paragraph every single time there's a new speaker. You failed miserably at this.

No matter how much you defend it, your story is hardly original. There have been countless tales of revenge. The classic tale: the main character gets taken in as an apprentice by the villain as a final act of cruelty to his enemy. The apprentice grows up, figures out what his 'master' did and develops an elaborate plot to get revenge. Now if the character is truly evil, then he will kill the 'person who ruined his life', or if your character is good, they won't kill them and stoop down to their level. Either way, the villain will die by means other than the main character's doing, therefore giving the story a 'perfect ending'.

Now since your main character is a girl, I think she will seduce her 'master' then manipulate him to eventually bring his own downfall. In the end, she will stand over him, victorious. There are many ways this story can turn out, but I highly doubt someone as inexperienced as you will be able to make this worn out story unique.

You said you wanted to get this published. Here's the blunt and honest truth, this story - the way it is - would be impossible to publish, so I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you. I doubt that even with major editing this could be salvageable. I know that you've probably heard all this before, and that what I've said is mean, but it's the truth, and if you can't take it, then don't ask for it.

I'm embarrassed to have even spent this much time on something like this, but you really need it.

I like it :)

personaly its not on a subject i would read but it is nice

that was pretty good!

WOW!!!! That was tottally AWESOME!!!! I loved it...I thought it was very original and I'm so glad I actually had time to read it:) can't wait to read chpt. 2 when I get another break:)

you're a good writer, but i agree with the other people. It is kind of confusing sometimes.