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Thou Shalt Not - Comments

  • insanity reigns;

    insanity reigns; (100)

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    I must say this before I say anything else: love the title.
    It's foreshadowing, in a way. Letting the reader know right then and there that the story is...well, naughty, lol.

    Billie would wait and wait for her to come like a kid with a tooth under his pillow. And then Mike would wait and wait for her to leave.

    That was like, my favorite part out of everything.
    It's just so blunt, so in your face. It's like you're telling the reader, Billie still wants and loves Adie, yet he desires Mike. Your simile makes him seem so innocent, yet obviously he isn't. Love the irony in that.

    The fact that there's no dialouge (sp) in this at all interests me. You don't really see that around here (or anywhere else, for that matter) and I applaud your ability to do that.

    You are just...amazing. This is definitely going on my favorite stories list. :mrgreen:
    August 30th, 2009 at 06:41am
  • Tom Fletcher.

    Tom Fletcher. (155)

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    Just... wow.
    I'm sorry I don't have the time to give a long review even though this more than deserves it, but this was amazing.
    You convey emotions perfectly and I could feel Mike's inner conflict right from the start.
    I especially liked your opening, with the right and wrong thing. Brilliant way to begin a story.
    You're a talented writer. When I get time I'll be reading more things of yours... I do hope you have more Billie/Mike. ~~ :tehe:
    May 17th, 2009 at 06:40pm
  • James Sullivan

    James Sullivan (150)

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    Story / Review Game! :con:

    First of all, I really want you to know how awesome it is that this is a short one-shot. Many people have to go into long, drawn out details and describe basically everything before they finally get to the point (me. :XD), but you reach it in the second fucking paragraph! Talk about bad-ass.
    At the same time, even though you're very "to the point" with the one-shot, its still very developed. You really focus in on Mike's conflicted feelings about Billie's advances, and I loved the inner conflict he has. You make your characters very real, and that's something that's rare.

    You also do a really good job with adding in similes and metaphors. They're not hidden or slipped in surreptitiously at all, quite the contrary - they're blatant and in your face. That's something that was very new to me.
    At first, I wasn't too sure how I felt about that, but then they grew on me. I liked how they gave an image in my head for me to line up with Billie or Mike, and it really added to my understanding of the story. Fantastic. :cute:

    Now then, I really loved your opening paragraph. I love how its not obvious, how it doesn't give away what the story is about just yet. The way you tie in how Right and Wrong may be subjective, but what Billie and Mike do is just plain Wrong, really made me happy. Mike doesn't try to justify what Billie does, or explain away his reasons for letting it happen - he just comes out and tells you that its fucking wrong (pun not intended, I swear) and that he lets it happen because it feels damn good. That was monstrously amazing.

    Every sick minute of it felt disgusting and Mike loved it. He felt filthy. He felt like a total whore and got off on it;
    That was fucking cool. You make him into this almost pitiable character who just can't help doing wrong. Awesome dude, seriously.

    Okay, first concrit.
    Billie would stumble in drunk as all hell and swagger around, Jack Sparrow style. He’d swear and slur, bitch and moan about how much he missed his wife. He’d stumble around the room and mumble a few incoherent lines of bad poetry.
    I'm not sure if I like the Jack Sparrow reference here. That's my personal feeling and I figured I'd mention it. Maybe you could be a bit more subtle about it, and say something like and swagger around, like some drunken pirate direct off of Tortuga. Something that fans of the movie would get, but others would understand as well.
    The next thing about it that just didn't feel right, lies within the next two sentences. They feel really repetitive since they started with the same lines. I don't know if that was what you were going for - if it than ignore this and skip on down the review - but maybe you could combine them into one coherent thought? Something about how he'd stagger into the room, bitch and moan about how much he missed his wife, swear and slur, and sometimes even mumble a few lines of bad poetry.

    Just my thought, of course. It still works as is, I just figured pointing it out couldn't hurt. :cute:

    Billie would wait and wait for her to come like a kid with a tooth under his pillow.
    I love how you use similes and metaphors like this, but this one reads a bit awkwardly to me. Maybe the phrasing is a bit off?

    That became the first part of the routine.
    I kind of felt like this sentence came out of nowhere at the end of the paragraph. It kind of alludes that you'll be using the outline of the routine as a way to tell what happens between Mike and Billie, but then it's never mentioned again. I don't think it really adds to the story at this point, and I don't think the story would be ruined if you just took it out.
    Your call of course. Juts letting you know what I think. :mrgreen:.

    He’d move down to his jaw line, then his shoulder.
    I think maybe it should be "move down his jaw line, then to his shoulder".

    Now for what I loved!
    Of course he tried, the first time. He tried to say no, but those perfect little fingers stole his voice when they danced through his blonde hair.
    I love the imagery of his fingers "dancing" throw Mike's hair. They aren't just running through it, they're caressing and loving. It really adds to their relationship, I think.

    After more than twenty years, those perfectly forest-colored eyes stopped his breath.
    Forest colored? In Love
    I've never heard that before. I love it when people find new ways to describe eyes. I get so bored of "emerald colored" or "twinkling".

    He’d groan when those crooked teeth scraped against his neck, when Billie purred into his lips. Wine-flower kisses drugged him until it was over, heightened every sensation. Every time he felt Billie’s left hand on trailing down his hip, it was wrong again.
    This is my favorite paragraph. Every sentence is gorgeous.
    I adored how you added in Billie's nasty teeth. It definitely shows how he;s an imperfect person, who is still gorgeous in Mike's eyes.
    "Wine-flower kisses drugged him" - where does that even come from?? Its beautiful! I had to stop for a moment so that I could read it again, it was so...beautiful.

    Mike would massage the scratches on his pelvis from the gold wedding band, and examine the ones on his back and shoulders.
    I loved the bit about the scratches from the wedding ring. It really drives it home how messed up it is that Mike and Billie are screwing around behind Adie's back.

    He wasn’t really all that religious anyway.
    Its awesome that this is the last line. It made me giggle, but then the irony and bitterness of the statement seeped in and I just went "Wow". The fact that you can convey all that with one sentence is truly a mark of your talent.

    This was a fabulous darling. :arms:
    Thank you for writing it.
    May 15th, 2009 at 11:05pm
  • the boy from venus.

    the boy from venus. (400)

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    Story Review Game.

    Number one, I've never read a Mike/Billie [What would this be called] slash, so this is all new to me and kind of give you an advantage.

    First off, the begining I really liked it, it was a nice description of how Mike felt and I liked that that same kind of theme continued threw the whole of the one-shot, kudos!

    Next, I love your imagery and the fact that you don't have dialogue. I love stories with no dialogue and just description! They are hard to write so it shows you must have some real talen to pull that off.

    I've always liked stories of unfaithfullness and I like slash, so there's a double whammy for ya. I really liked this. It was so simple, yet incredible at the same time.

    I also completely adore the last lines and there to do with relegion. I also love that it's Micheal, it's so much more affective the Mike I find.

    Great job, I adored it.
    May 15th, 2009 at 06:34am
  • Heartswell.

    Heartswell. (400)

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    HIIIII SRUTIIII Wow -waves at-
    I is here to comment yew. :con:

    Your opening line is interesting, a good hook for the rest of the piece. I like the transition it provides and how it smoothly thrusts the reader into the next several lines.

    Oh my heavens, all I stumble on these days are one-shots that I adore D: I love this type of wrong. I love dirty and grimy relationships that're just a one-way track. No left, no right, just straight to the point.
    And your narration really aids in bringing that out. The adjectives, expressions and wording. There was not much pretty language which somewhat portrays the blatant 'WRONG' part of this.

    What I really like about this is how it's a story which'll never end. Makes sense? Like one of those Goosebumps stories with people talking about certain events and how they die during the story, then they begin talking about it again, just for you to see that they were already dead from the begginging, get it? It's going around in a never ending circle. We're just seeing how it formed rather than it forming. You started from the beginning.

    I loveeeee the second and the third passages. You incorporate bluntness of the narration with The contrast between Billie waiting for Adie to come and Mike waiting for her to read strikes me as ironic for some reason. Because if we look at it . . . they're both waiting for something.
    It's really simple. And I like that simplicity. To me it somewhat explores falling, getting sucked into temptation, the forbidden fruit that tastes sweeter than any other.

    Regarding the events, well, I don't think I read many cheating stories, but I like it >_> Especially if it's from the 'other' person's point of view. I like how you describe their actions, the details, in such simple wording. How you described the /act/ of sex, but not really describing the sex itself. The descriptions are subtle but there's enough to imply that's it's wild and animalistic.
    And I don't know why but mentioning the wedding band did give me sort of a chill ._. because . . . it gives the whole issue a reality.

    I don't pick favorite lines as much these days but this line, second part made me feel a slight lump in my throat:
    Every time he felt Billie’s left hand on trailing down his hip, it was wrong again.
    There's that constant reminder of wrong again. From the start, till the end.

    Lastly, I liked the ending verr much: effective, one liner, and smooth. (also, I liked the 'memory and sin' part. You somehow created a conncetion wrong>sin>God >_> it works for my brain but it connected the end somewhat.)
    May 14th, 2009 at 11:12pm
  • valentine.

    valentine. (100)

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    shit, that was good. :)
    May 14th, 2009 at 09:39pm
  • barely legal

    barely legal (100)

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    You know how amazing I think your slash is... and you just reminded me of that.
    :tehe:

    I adore it. It's so simple, and yet gives such an effect.
    May 14th, 2009 at 04:58pm
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