Casualty of War - Comments

Oh wow, I loved that. That was pretty heavy reading compared to the rest of the entries I've read so far, but it was really intense and detailed, I must say.

Apart from the obvious mistakes stated above, I noticed quite a few grammatical errors as well (example: "need" should've been "needed"). Anyway, the story was pretty unique; while they're around, there aren't many stories about war and the future. Oh, and I love how you started and ended the one-shot. x]

All in all, amazing job. Keep it up. ^^

A war had been raging in America for nearly two years. Mayhem filled the streets night and day, and people were not safe in their own homes. I love the opening line. I'm not usually into war anything, but I can automatically tell that I may like this.

...kill the adults and capture any children and teenagers. OMFG!!! How horible!

I love all the description, but I feel like there's too much. You describe everything, down to every last detail. I don't know if there's such a thing as 'too much detail' but if there is, you may be in that catagory.

I like the way you make the story flow. It just goes very nicely.

...he growled as he spun around the face the man in charge. 'the' should be 'to'.

The walls were sound proof, he couldn't hear anything outside of the room and no one could hear him. The comma after 'proof should be a semicolon. Also, I think 'sound proof' is one word, not two.

He jumped over a huddle that came... 'Huddled' should be 'hurdled'

Other than that, it was pretty interesting to read. Though, if this was more than a one-shot, I don't think I could really get into it. Again, it's not the story, its me. haha.

if someone stood in the way of their mission, they killed them.

Savagely.

Brutally.

Wow, I loved how you described it. So abrupt and to the point; kind of like how the soldiers were told to kill - that's what I like about it.

These two lines here:

The woman screamed in outrage and fear, fear for her children, her husband, and herself.

He was dragged away from his family and forced to look watch as they were lined up and the team leader stood behind them.

were totally heartbreaking to read. :( It was so sad the way you described it.

This was really sad, too.
Coming to that conclusion, he fell asleep thinking that he’d wake up in his own bed, in his own room and his family would be okay.
It made me feel so sorry for that little boy who'd just lost his family and wanted to join them so he wouldn't feel anymore pain.

Noticed one spelling error:
He jumped over a huddle that came his way and his lungs screamed at the lack of air. - should be hurdle not huddle.

The description here was amazing too:
Sweat was dripping off his young face and his heart was pumping so fast suffering a heart attack would have been possible. His head was swimming, but he didn't stop.
I basically felt as if I were that boy; just running and running until he collapses from exhaustion. It really made me hold my breath in anticipation.

Punctuation error:
The walls were sound proof, he couldn't hear anything outside of the room and no one could hear him. - the comma after 'proof' should be a semicolon.

Another error:
he growled as he spun around the face the man in charge. the first 'the' should be 'to'.

All in all, I thought that this was a very good story and you did a good job basing the story around the theme you were given. It felt so sad to hear Byron was being "put down like a dog" because he couldn't be rehabilitated. And that he'd led a very sad life - after seeing his family die - which didn't seem to get any better.
There were a few minor spelling errors but other than that it was a great read. ^^