Moondance. - Comments

I was wandering through the McFly tag looking for something to read when I came across this and I must say, I'm glad I did! You've got a fabulous way of wording things, the imagery within this is really spectacular. I can picture everything perfectly in my head. The words are so eloquent, so beautiful - everything flows perfectly. Sometimes this sort of description can be overwhelming, but this is just incredible. I also love all the music imagery you've used - I'm always a sucker for some good music imagery!

The idea of the girl being completely mesmerising is an interesting one as well. There's almost an air of the supernatural about her, which you compliment with your descriptions of her. I love the draw that she has to Dougie as well - I almost imagine that he's linked to her by an invisible chord as he walks. I don't know what she's doing or why she's so otherworldly, but I love it. I'm not usually a big fan of stories that leave that much of a mystery behind after they finish, but this one definitely goes in with the few that pull it off excellently.

Absolutely beautiful, gorgeous imagery and an intriguing plotline. Good work!

Oh my goodness.

I can truly say, I cannot recall ever reading something this beautiful. The whole idea along with your style of writing is just, it's phenomenal & elegant & just, three shades of beautiful. I can't even pick out a choice phrase because there are so many amazing words & metaphors & I can't even narrow it down; it's just, it's so amazing.

I'll have to review this one day soon. Just, I have no words.

Story/Review Game

Um, wow. Fucking brilliant.

I absolutely adore the first line. I thought it was a nice, intriguing way to start this. I love how you didn't just use "She dances and Dougie can't take his eyes away" because, by adding "the girl" you add a sort of... mystique? I don't even know! You've gotten me completely speechless here. omgno:

Your description is amazing! Absolutely beautiful! I don't know how you come up with them. Just. Your choice of words is really good, too. Reading this is like watching something slip into place. The flow seems so natural and (I really mean this when I say it) it's not even like reading, because I didn't get the feeling I do when I read books. I got the feeling that I was watching a film[/]. A really, really good film that just won an Oscar for Best Picture.

And it's surprising that this is so easy to read. Like, with the amount of imagery, you'd think you'd have to strain to imagine it all, but you don't here. Everything is just so easy and so beautiful. Just. Amazing.

My favorite bits:

she lights up the grass and the trees and the flowers with her invisible glow
I like how you didn't use commas here. The repeated "and"-s add a nice touch and it doesn't sound redundant. Great job.

silhouetted against the pink evening, hair like night,
I love your use of "evening" and "night". Took me a while to realize they were just the same thing.

Dougie is sure no name on earth would fit her,
I loved this, too. Just. Absolutely. Because it fits. Because I don't think any name would fit her as well. And it emphasizes just how absolutely beautiful she is. So much no name could even do justice to her.

He dare not open his eyes for fear of waking up, wishing to be entrapped in this silver waltz forever.
I love how you used "silver waltz" here. Any other writer would've just said "entrapped in this dance", but you used "silver waltz" and it shows how carefully you choose your words to weave a beautiful story.

cares for the absence of his co-ordination,
I just checked everything I could think of if "co-ordination" is acceptable and it is. However, I don't think this spelling works with the rest of the story. I think the dash sort of disrupts the flow. But that's just me.

Her harp of a heartbeat
This was great. Not only is she beautiful, but her heartbeat is, too. She's special, she's different. And something about this seems to suggest she's pure and innocent. You have this thing with words that somehow it means more than it says. And it's just amazing.

This is an amazing story and I apologize for the wait. To be honest I have no idea what to say besides "this is amazing" and I think I've said that about dozen times.

You've got an exceptional amount of talent. :arms: This story deserves a lot more than one star, a lot more then ten stars, even. Just. Amazing. :arms:

The next time you say that you're not good at writing, I will get pissy. I'd give anything to write as good as this, anything. Have a little more self-confidence, this was great! It really was. This story just emphasises the reasons that you're one of the writers I look up to on here.

Right. First of all, I thought it was very effective to have the first line as a paragraph of its own. It brings attention to it and I think this was a very clever thing to do, since Dougie can't keep his eyes off her. It's like she's the centre of attention, and what better way to introduce her than in a way that draws your eyes to it? I liked that, it was really clever. Beautifully written, too.

Nice imagery, too. A fairy swathed in the colour of the heavens. It's very abstract and it's like she's a dream, almost. A make-believe fairy and Dougie can't quite believe that she's a real person. I think that's really good imagery, it's like he's in awe of her, in a sense. And the description implies that she's colourful, so colourful that she can't be described properly with human colours - she's swathed in the colour of the heavens. (Where do you get these descriptions from?! They're bloody brilliant if you ask me! :tehe:)

I like the fact you've written her so effortlessly, and she's so perfect without being a Mary Sue - and I completely envy you for this! Every pirouette is perfection, and no move needs a reason. She doesn't need a reason to dance, she just dances because she can, and the people who watch her are in awe because she's so good. She's got this air about her, I can't quite put my finger on what it is but she comes across as one of those beautiful abstract individuals, unafraid to live their life exactly how they want to.

This bit took my breath away. Upon his arrival here he thought someone had crafted a sculpture beneath the ancient sycamore. He can't quite believe what's going on, he just walked up for a bit of peace and quiet and he's faced with this. And at first I don't think he knows quite what to make of it all, and he can't keep his eyes from her because of pure interest, but he's soon blown away by her and his eyes don't stray from her for a different reason.

I liked how you likened her to one of those little tiny dancers in a music box. She turns slowly, like a plastic dancer in a jewellery box, the last of her spring unwinding as the Swan Lake playing in Dougie’s head drawls to an end. She's flawless and when the music sounds she'll just dance forever. She seems like she'll dance forever, as long as there's somewhere to dance or something to dance to, then she'll dance.

I think this is my favourite description of yours. Totally. She couldn’t be less celestial than a planetarium. Just...wow. That literally took my breath away...it's so fitting to the story. I've got nothing constructive to add to this comment, sorry about that! :lmfao

It seemed apt that she didn't wear shoes, I'm not sure why. She’s balanced right in front of him, bare toes in the soil. The fact that she balances rather than stands says a lot about her character. She's quite a breakable character, unable to keep herself firmly rooted in one place and she reminds me of the lead character (called Stargirl) in a book called Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli (GO AND READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY :twitch:). She seems to have a lot of the same qualities and it was nice to notice. I love Stargirl-esque characters.

She doesn't only dance, she also laughs in song. She’s laughing a melody that cuts out when they’re under the balcony of the tree again. I think this was a great description, it makes her character a lot more real, if that makes sense. I like the fact that she has a tone to her laugh, it makes her seem a lot more life-like - a lesser writer would say something like "she laughed", you did so much better than that.

Dougie can't actually believe he's dancing with her. He dare not open his eyes for fear of waking up, wishing to be entrapped in this silver waltz forever. He doesn't want this dance to end. He wants to dance with her forever; he's completely captivated by her and is scared that he'll wake up and it'll all be a dream. It's real but it's like a dream to him because it's so perfect - if that makes sense?

He also seems to be a person who seems the worst in situations. He expects her to wriggle away, push him off, but she does neither. I think he's been through heartbreak in the past, and as a result he tends to look upon girls a little sceptically, like they'll run away from him given the chance. It's quite sad to notice this, behind this smiling boy dancing with this beautiful abstract girl, there's the tiniest tinge of sadness. It gives the impression that he doesn't open up to people often, but with this dancing girl he just can't help himself, he's spellbound.

The ending, and the last line in particular, nearly made me cry! Dougie knows that she just wants a partner to dance with, and he wishes that her partner forever could be him. He knows a good thing when he sees it, and when she disappears he wants to follow her, even though he knows it would be impossible to do so. I think he wants to just forget everything and just follow her, dancing forever with her.

An absolutely beautiful story. If I could even write half as good as this then I'd be happy...fucking hell you've got a talent!

I read this on my phone on wednesday night, and it was the best night time story :tehe:kinky

Although this isn't about the story, the layout is absolutely amazing :cheese: the picture, the colouring... it all adds to it :tehe:kinky

I'm re-reading it as I write this, and I'm looking for a bit to say that I loved, but I really can't pick just one or an example. The vocabulary you use is so inspiring and amazing!kinky

This is just absolute wow. Not just the fact it has Dougie in it, but how magical it is.

I'm sorry this is crap feedback, but this was indescribeable, that and I'm watching James Bourne videos :weird

:arms:

She’s silhouetted against the pink evening, hair like night, and he knows that if he got close enough her face would be sunshine.

It's interesting that you described night and day in the same sentence. I find it quite interesting. I know you are describing the color of her hair, a nice dark blue that's like black, and how her face just brightens up any day. Beautiful and heart-warming, something I need sometimes.

The moonlight dribbles down her dress, leaving bleach spots where the leaves do not shade her.

The descriptive words in this sentence are just so beautiful, it's a shame I'm reading this during the day. This made even the hot sunny day I read this in dark as night, but still able to see because of the moon.

insomnia
I just give you a ten for using that word :tehe:

The rest of it was way, too, beautiful and I got too far lost in the words that I couldn't describe unless I wanted to break my brain thinking of a word to use. Was absolutely amazing and the descriptions bring out the beauty of these two. I would never be able to write like that. You really have talent, and I bravo you for the best romance I read, and probably will ever read.

A fairy swathed in the colour of the heavens, she lights up the grass and the trees and the flowers with her invisible glow. Sparkles cling to every fibre of her dress and as she twirls, they litter upon the ground. She’s silhouetted against the pink evening, hair like night, and he knows that if he got close enough her face would be sunshine.

For some reason, I love this line. It's a great introductary paragraph and draws us in.

You told the story while making it seem like it was our reality and I enjoyed that.

Your summary left us with a craving for more and you definately fulfilled that craving.

Great job.