Dark Blue - Comments

....hfadyof;gvygvp :cheese:

That's how tongue tied I feel after reading your story. It was so heartbreakingly beautiful and the recurring theme of Jack's fear of water actually... well, it struck fear into the cockles of my heart.

The end was to me, was like witnessing a horrible car crash [or something of that sort] because no matter how horrid it was that he died, I couldn't stop reading and their connection even as he was dying, I'll admit, it made me a little envious. Which I've just realised sounds horrible... I'm sorry.

Either way, you shouldn't be disappointed with this. It's an amazing story. :arms:

THIS ONE.

:weird :crazy:

Right. I've just finished Isa's review and I'm going to do the same with this as I did with hers. So I'll do a paragraph here and there, in between revision. This may take a while. :tehe:

Sorry this has taken me epically long to leave, because of exams and the like. I am aware that I fail with leaving timely feedback, hope this makes it up to you. :arms:

First of all, I don't know why you said you were unhappy about this, because I personally really enjoyed this. It was such a good read, I really enjoyed it. I need to read more of your stuff at some point.

I like how Jack is completely at ease with her. Jack rests now, his head in her warm and familiar lap. The fact that her lap is warm and familiar shows that he's been in this situation before, and everything is just so known to him, he's completely at ease with this and he just wants to be as close to her as he can. It's like his body fits against hers perfectly, like they're two pieces of a jigsaw that fit next to each other. I loved this first paragraph in particular.

Sorry to quote so much. He was dancing, merely seconds ago, like water or anything fluid and fast and dangerous and he carried on, because no one would suspect a thing if he kept his body moving, and he’d delay the loneliness until the next decline. I like this. It's like he's hiding behind something, it's like there's something about him that he wants to hide away, this sadness, and he thinks that if he just carries on as normal, nobody will suspect that anything is any different wit him. It's so sad, it makes me feel so sorry for him. He's like a lost lamb.

It's sad how he doesn't really have any self-respect or confidence in himself. He was about as strong as a child and about as invincible as a bug. I think this says a lot about him. He doesn't think much of himself and he wants to be protected. I guess he is somewhat like a child, because all he really wants is somebody to look after him and care for him. I know it's down to the fact that he's ill, but he just needs somebody to look after him. And it's what she does.

This was so sad. The girl, who had even more insecurities than he did, saved the day again. She's always there, helping him out when he gets knocked down. It's like she's his guardian angel, looking after him when things get tough. She's always watching over him and I think that what the pair of them share is very beautiful and you've written the pair of them perfectly.

And nobody really appreciates her but Jack. All of Jack’s ‘friends’ thought she was weird. It's almost like she disappears into the background and nobody truly cares but Jack. And I get the feeling that although she does feel down about it, she brushes it off and tries to not let it drag her down, because she knows that she has the respect and love of Jack, and that's enough for her. It's really sad that they think she's weird, I don't think they really understand her and her motives for what she does. She gets upset about it, I know this, but she tries not to let it bug her. She tries so hard.

This line was filled with hope. They could still fucking love and hold and live and smile as long as Jack still took his white pill to ward off the pain for another stolen day. It's like they're living on borrowed time, on the never-never (lol I just thought of Blood Brothers). And they're always conscious about the time they've got left together. But they're taking every day as it comes, and living for the moment - as long as he takes his pill.

This was deep and I think this was my favourite line in the whole story. In reality, you crawl into bed at night and wrap around another and maybe reflect on how empty life feels when the glass is only half full. Sorry for quoting it all. It shows that although they're coping, cracks are beginning to show. And I loved the whole optimist/pessimist view. Like, life is empty but the glass is half-full. I thought that was really clever. Definitely my favourite line.

Even Jack has drifted from people. It's like they feel awkward around him because of his illness. Maybe that was why he cherished the one friendship he did have. But even though all his other friends have deserted him, Andi has stayed with him through thick and thin, and this makes him appreciate her more. It's like he lives for her, in a way.

And as soon as he asks for her, she instantly replies. “I’m here, Jack, I’m right here. What is it?” The words she used, they just show the utmost care that she has for him. He's always her first priority and she answers in a rush, repeating her words because she's panicking a little bit. She wants to know why he's asking for her when she's right with him, but I think that inside, she knows what's wrong and that's what's panicking her the most.

I nearly cried a little bit here. A tear fell down her face onto his and he basked in its wetness, hoping it would cure him. I think that by this stage, he's gone a little delirious and is no longer thinking straight. Andi is just so worried, and he can't see it at all. He's just worrying about the drink and whether he's had too much. I think that he's finally gone over the edge and this is the point at which he snapped.

The naturalness of the dialogue here was great. “Jack, d-did... you take all your pills today?” fear gripped her as he slowly parted his eyelashes She's stumbling over her words and not a lot is making sense to her. She can't think, not now she's had a sudden realisation of the situation and what he's done. And she feels helpless. She's always there to help him, and right now she can't help him. And she's petrified.

Sorry to quote so much. They saw the leader who had never shown weakness sprawled on the floor and they flocked to him in the fashion they should have when they found out he was sick. I think this is pretty significant. Nobody cared about him until he collapsed, people just ignored him and didn't pay any attention to him. I think they saw him as being a little strange and because they were narrow-minded, thought that they'd be better off away from him. If that makes sense? It's so sad that it took that for people to notice him.

This just makes me feel so bad for her. Andi liked how he finally looked peaceful. Despite the fact that she said that she couldn't imagine a world without Jack, she's happy, in a way. She's happy that he's finally at peace. I don't mean of course that she's happy that this has happened, but I guess her mind is a little more at ease because she knows that he's not hurting any more? I hope that makes sense.

The ending was perfect. “I think he drowned.” I love stories that end on one-liners and this was so effective. It leaves a few things open (this is a good thing, by the way. I like being able to decide things for myself once a story is over) and it was just so sad. And the fact that she used the word "think" implies that she doesn't know entirely what happened and she's feeling lost and all alone. It's such a sad ending, but really effective.

Loved this, it was great! This has taken me four days to write, oops! :tehe:

This was amazing. I loved the ending and the descriptions. It was sad and just wow. Made me jealous of your awesome skills ><

this is amazing. you have such an incredible writing style and i love it. sorry it took me so long to read it, i've just kind of not been on the face of the earth for this last little while.hahaha
i love your last sentence, most of all - "i think he drowned." - more than anything else. i like how final it is.

CONGRATULATIONS
You have just cordially been awarded the first place in the 'Dear Jack Competition!

So oh my days love this was stunning, you said that you are less than pleased with it but I loved it so now my review shall begin! :cute:

First off I loved the fact that you used the name 'Jack' it tied in well with the contest title and created a lovely link. The fact that you've started with the present it very effective, it makes the reader pay attention as they might be used to the fact that most stories are written in past tense.

You have a gorgeous style of writing, and the narrative tone really sticks out throughout the whole one shot for example when you say in relation to Jack's lungs They just aren’t what they used to be. In a way it's a very comforting voice you hear because it's so conversational and oddly familiar.

In a way what I think I really liked about this one shot was that even though it was a songfic, the references to the song were very subtle and I had to play the song whilst I was reading it. It's nice that you took some parts of the song and focused more on the ideas of the song like the idea of the condition, the stars the flood and of course the water which you show fantastically at the end when Andi says “I think he drowned.”. That sentence of course was fantastic. I actually started up because it was really not what I expected, it just gave it all a dreamlike quality to it, as it really wasn't happening and it was all just a dream.

Actually having said that, the whole oneshot seemed almost dreamy and abstract starting with the two lead people Jack and Andie. Your descriptions are intriguing for example for Andi you say that She was painfully attractive and painfully self-conscious and you don't really explain it, and I think this is actually a positive thing because it lets the reader think for themselves and use their imagination. They seem one of those anti hero couples in a strange way, and very unorthodox as if they are rebelling against the ideas of couples such as Romero and Juliet and this really comes across here And she thought they were both pretty fucked up. But hell, they could still love. They could still fucking love and hold and live and smile as long as Jack still took his white pill to ward off the pain for another stolen day which was possibly one of my favorite parts of this whole one shot. Another part that I absolutely loved was the idea of 11:11, first off it immediately made me think of the mention of 11:11 in Konstantine and the idea of wishing on that hour is just so Andrew McMahon :tehe: but no I loved the idea that Jack still cast wishes, and it just shows possibly how he does live in a dream world where wishes do matter and there is a slight chance that they do come true. You build places made of marshmallow and mystery I actually loved this line, it has something so innocent and wistful to it, and it does highlight the childlike quality that's within Jack and it's slightly upsetting too because we know that a place like that doesn't exist.

Fighting the stars that aligned in the wrong way; the stars which said Jack was a waste, better off dead. I adored this line, it was just so... nihilistic and bleak. Loved it :tehe:

What you are fantastic at doing in this one shot is painting a snapshot of two people, because throughout this you have consistently painted two characters and filled them with ideas, anxieties and thoughts.

You are so talented and really I am amazed by this one shot and I really plan to read more of your writing in the future.
Thank you for entering the contest and get in touch with me for your prize ok?

{I'm sorry this has taken me so long.)
Firstly, Vicky, that was...beautiful. Really, really beautiful. For some relatively short it's probably the most heartbreaking thing I've read in a while. I love the description you used and how it was a little bit abstract at times but also very blunt and to the point. You really are very talented.

I think the first bit stuck out to me the most.
Jack rests now, his head in her warm and familiar lap, and then They just aren’t what they used to be.
Just... I don't know, I can't explain. I just want you to know that I get slightly too rambly and emotionally involved and just guess what you were trying to get across in my reviews so this might be a bit shit. But it made me wonder why, if they were still comfortable enough to be together why..it wasn't the same as it used to be. And it's not a bad thing, it just makes it all even more powerful. I think it emphasises the bond they used to have.

like water or anything fluid and fast and dangerous and he carried on
That stuck out to me. I guess it was because it was a bit run on and I love that in a story, especially a one shot, and it also shows how Jack feels about himself, or...maybe how he wishes he was? Like, he used to be like that and now he just can't can't stop because that would be like admitting something was wrong. I love your imagery. ;l

Jack’s former followers would turn a shade of green and look away in embarrassment.
In a way that made me like Jack more. I feel really, really bad for him and I pretty much hate his old 'friends' because they don't seem to want to be associated with him even though whatever's happening doesn't seem to be his fault at all. And Jack just seems so weak and helpless and like he geuinely needs somebody to be there for him. And we know that, whoever she is, this girl is there for him no matter what, but I can't help but feel horrible for him. ):

And also, I liked the fact that she simply said 'He's not well.' It made more of an impact than if she'd said something like 'Actually, he has cancer so____' {I'm not quite sure if he does have cancer, that was just an example. But I've just realised this is for a Jack's Mannequin contest so it is cancer. Ignore this. :lmfao} I can't really explain it. I just think it was a lot better than some people may have written that.

The whole paragraph describing her and her relationship with Jack was beautiful. I love how she's this really beautiful, kind girl but she's still got insecurities and low self esteem, but that still doesn't stop her from going to all of these parties that she hates, and I think it's because she'll do anything as long as she's protecting the boy she loves. She'll put on any front and do anything for him, and I think that's beautiful. I also like how we didn't find out her name - it makes her all the more mysterious but at the same time we don't focus too much on her and still know that this is about Jack. I love your descriptions.

How the crystalline trough and crest of the water frightened him to his very core but he hid it pretty well.
:cheese: I love your imagery so much. And I love the continued theme of water - I love it in anything, really, but this is especially effective. Water can represent different things: power, grace, beauty, etc. but it can also be dangerous and can kill people, which seems to be the point? I just love your imagery even though I know I've said it before. :cheese:

You build places made of marshmallow and mystery and you laugh into the night about ‘that time when...’ and you never fear tomorrow because fear is admitting something’s wrong.
I don't know whether it's Jack pretending everything is okay for him, or his girlfriend, or for both of them, but I find that to be quite heartbreaking regardless of who it's about. I think Jack still goes to these parties because he doesn't want to feel like anything's changed, but he can't help it when all of his friends have abandoned him and he has to take those pills just to feel a little alright again. And he's terrified of what may happen - what probably will happen - but he wants to hide it because he feels that admitting it would just make him weaker inside as if he weren't already weak enough physically. |: ):

Like always, she picked him up, nudging with her sharp limbs so he fell back into her embrace.
I love their relationship. 'Like always' just shows how much she loves him and once again emphasises all of the things she's willing to do to make sure he's okay. I think that she obviously knows how important the dancing and the parties are to him and she wants to help him so he can do what he loves...
And the rest of that paragraph was wonderful too.
she ignores the line of blood that trickles like gold
Even though he's ill and bleeding, he's still wonderful to her and nothing can change that. Not even the illness.

The dialogue that came next was just... :cheese:. And that's the best way I can describe it. XDD They're so adorable together, and I love how Jack is somewhat childish in how he speaks to her. It just makes the whole thing sadder.

words tumble over themselves and it never sounds like how it does in his head.
That's so true. You can say things so perfectly in your mind and always have it planned out, but when you say them it's never what you imagined. And he can't fully explain what he means or explain himself properly because the illness means it's so hard for him.

"The water’s dirty. Like olden days. Please don’t make me drink it. It’ll make me sicker.”
He's so... Urgh, I can't help but to use smileys to ty and describe how I'm feeling with this. This is beautiful and it just makes him seem so vulnerable. It's so childish and he's like... glass. She holds him so carefully and doesn't care whether he bleeds all over her because he's too easily broken.

Eyes closed and pallid like a corpse.
:cheese: That's almost like forshadowing and it's quite scary. Saying he's like a corpse, with what comes next, is just...terrifying.

revealing a pair of dark blue panes of Venetian glass.
I love how you've managed to find a unique description for eyes. People tend to dance [excuse the odd pun?] around the same old metaphors and you've managed to think of something totally new. I don't think I could ever come up with that. And it also reminds me of just before where I said he's like glass....even though I don't think that made sense.

And she’d been here before and But she couldn’t imagine a world without Jack.
They're just so perfect and beautiful together. She's been the only one there for him and the only one keeping him up [literally] and she can't imagine what she'd do without him. They've only got each other and when he's gone...she'll have nothing.

They saw the leader who had never shown weakness sprawled on the floor and they flocked to him in the fashion they should have when they found out he was sick.
And I hate that. :x They should have been there for him. If they'd been there for him then Andi may not have felt like Jack rested entirely on her shoulders and his death wouldn't have broken her heart so much. :cheese: But I think that their bond was too strong and no matter how many other people that were there for him they'd still be like this. A million people could try to help everyday but it would still be Andi and Jack, I think.

The thudding slowed to a halt. His chest stopped moving.
Those short sentences are so effective. It's blunt and it works incredibly well - but you know that already. It's almost suspenseful, too. The sentences just stop and you want to know what's going to happen next so you read along furiously.
The blood had already dried up on his lips like a metallic lipstick he had applied as a joke.
I think this is brilliant because it almost emphasises the fact that Jack never wanted to show people that he was ill and was always trying to hide it. But the fact that it's his illness that has made him bleed, in turn making it look like lipstick, is just ...horribly ironic.

“I think he drowned.”
I DON'T THINK THAT COULD GET MORE PERFECT.
That, again, is so short and blunt and that's the most heartbreaking line in the entire piece. It was such an amazing way to end it, seriously.

This whole thing was brilliant. You worked the dialogue so well and their characterisation was so amazing. I love how your writing isn't swimming with confusing metaphors but you still manage to make it entirely beautiful and so wonderful to read. You portray emotions so well and ...gah. It was just brilliant. It was so real and heartbreaking.
I don't understand how you couldn't like it, Vicky. It's truly amazing.
:arms

This is magnificent. I loved everything about it.

The ending is just...perfect. That one sentence is so sad and heart clenching.

Utterly beautiful.

You are a pragmatic-smith, I have decided. You deftly altered all the pent up metaphors and it was so...wow. So often, a story with excellent metaphors is all style and no substance but eek, it made me shiver.

You added some very resounding sementic fields as well with the wet and the dry. I love identifying these patterns because they way you have written it, it feels like it's a secret pattern as the metaphors can be hidden.

But this, this is magnificent. Seriously.

I'll need to give this a proper analysis at one point.

Story/Review

I have two things to say to you.

a) I do not understand how you are not pleased with this. :cheese:
b) If I hear you moaning about your writing ever again then I will come down to wherever you live and bash you over the head with a... sausage. :con:

Jack rests now, his head in her warm and familiar lap, and he’s suddenly labouring to keep his eyes open and focussed like a normal person. He feels his lungs pressing against his ribcage and curses them. They just aren’t what they used to be. You opened it well. The fact that he rests 'now' suggests to me that this is unnatural for him - maybe he's tired, or too damaged to continue being his active self? The word 'labouring' is really poignant, it adds to the effect of being tired and it's not an overused word either, so the way you've phrased it makes it unique. Already there's this air of melancholy that I love (well, nobody loves melancholy, but you know which corpse I'm poking at) and if you hadn't said Jack was sick in the summary, then I'd have guessed from this. You cut straight to the point without getting to the point at all and it's love.

He was about as strong as a child and about as invincible as a bug but he couldn’t slow down, the effort of doing nothing at all would probably kill him. I love the description here - simple wording teamed with brilliant and apt analogies are really your thing, and you're very good at it. It seems as if Jack's never one for keeping still, and I love that last clause because it suggests that he'd go mad if he wasn't himself. Am I making sense? The only piece of con-crit I have for that is minimal in that there should be a semi-colon instead of a comma, but that's a petty criticism and me feeling guilty for praising your arse off. :tehe:

But she’d set them all straight: “He’s not well.” I like it when new characters are introduced by subjective third person pronouns (he, she they etc) and here it adds a) an air of mystery and b) a sense that Jack knows this girl inside out enough not to use her name. Even though it's in third person... I know what I mean in my head. :XD Also, it puts more emphasis on Jack at this point because he is names and she is not.

She’d said it over a thousand times to a thousand new faces. - love repetition. You use phonological techniques subtly and it's good, because your style wouldn't necessarily fit masses of them. Also, it fulfills the purpose of emphasis on the number, and I don't know whether this girl is Jack's girlfriend or anything yet but she seems to care an awful lot about him. She’s defiant to tell people off, correct them, because he doesn’t deserve to have people know a false story.

Sticks and stones would break her bones and those sharper words would probably do a fair bit of lasting damage as well. omgno: Is this girl somehow different to everyone, or is Jack the reason people say things to her? It gives her character an edge, maybe she’s a bit like Jack in the way she can’t be strong all the time, but she’s trying her best – just like he’s trying to stay himself despite his illness. I also love how you describe her as painfully attractive and painfully self-consciousbecause maybe her looks are her own personal illness? She’s shy but she has to put on a front to protect Jack, and she hates it because she’s insecure about herself. Forgive me if I’m going off on a tangent, it’s early morning and I tend to read really deep into things. :XD

How the crystalline trough and crest of the water frightened him to his very core but he hid it pretty well.I love how the recurring theme of water runs through the piece, because water can be versatile and beautiful but also versatile and dangerous. The water seems to symbolise death, and you don’t even need to explain this because it fits in really well and the reader just somehow knows, y’know? I also love the contrast of reality and wishes – it’s painful, and at the same time it’s effective. Maybe the disease, whatever it is, has formed a new side to his personality? One that stops and thinks, one that’s negative rather than positive. And you don’t see what the disease is, but I’m pretty sure I came across a description of a bald or shaved head at some point which makes me think it could be cancer. But ambiguous diseases are always good because they’re even scarier than named ones.

Like always, she picked him up, nudging with her sharp limbs so he fell back into her embrace. ‘Like always’ – adding to her consistency again, the fact she cares for Jack an awful lot. The fact that she picks him up says to me that he wants to keep on dancing because he wants to hide from his illness, but he keeps falling - like I said before, you word things amazingly so it’s like each word has been handpicked after hours of thought as to how they relate to the piece, It’s just :cheese: Her ‘sharp’ limbs kind of add to the fact that she’s strong when she’s with Jack, too.

The next paragraph was and in itself, but my favourite phrase was blood like gold. She thinks so much of him that even when he’s scarily ill, he’s ill beautifully. And it’s even sadder for it.

he murmurs, words tumble over themselves and it never sounds like how it does in his head. You just captured realism I can relate to here – about 75% of the words that come out of my mouth are all higgledy-piggledy compared to how they sound in my mind. But here, rather than ditziness it’s as though he hasn’t the strength to form coherent words, can’t fully express what he feels because of the illness.

“The water’s dirty. Like olden days. Please don’t make me drink it. It’ll make me sicker.” Oh god you're a genius. :cry: This has so much emotion in it, and even if you didn’t mean it you’re still such a mastermind for putting this in. I can never ever get dialogue right and the fact that it is sparse here makes this childlike, vulnerable section so heartbreaking. I also want to point out that the lack of speech in the first part of the piece creates a build up so when the characters do speak, it’s poignant and dramatic and it’s love. Your description of his eyes is really unique too – people struggle to describe eyes uniquely nowadays because it’s overdone, but a pair of dark blue panes of Venetian glass is like, wowwwwww, Vicky.

He giggled a bit, burbling like a baby, “Not all of them...” Firstly – the giggling like a kid adds to his vulnerability, and it reminds me of the strong as a child and about as invincible as a bug bit at the start, which kind of gives it a cyclic structure (for me, anyway). It’s like he doesn’t take his illness seriously, either, tying in with how he keeps on dancing even though he’s dying. The water thing’s come back again (treading water with Jack) and he’s actually in it now, making death even closer. The fact that they’re treading water adds to the inevitability of it, because it’s like it’s pointless to swim for land and all they can do it just wait to sink. Also, she’s in there with him, which gives the feel that Jack is a huge part of her life – maybe even her whole life.

The thudding slowed to a halt. His chest stopped moving. The blood had already dried up on his lips like a metallic lipstick he had applied as a joke. The short sentences add to the fact that his heart is stopping – it’s dramatic and attention drawing. I also love the lipstick analogy; I don’t know if you meant it to fit in with my view that he’s playing while he still has life, slapping on a face to hide his illness, but it’s ironic and twisted because the blood is giving his illness away.

“I think he drowned.”

I can’t even describe how perfect that ending is.

So, basically, I can’t really fault, this at all. Your characters are individual. Your story is told in a very unique way that fits with your style. The emotion is rich and raw, the plot not too slow or quickly paced and the dialogue just amazing. I’m jealous of you being able to write like this. I wish I could come out with the distinctive and memorable pieces you do.

Oh, and YOU MADE WANT TO WRITE A SICK-FIC SO SO BADLY.
I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, YOUNG LADY.

;;P

Keep it up, Queen Victoria. T’was most splendid. :arms:

Mkay. So this piece was super-simple, but it was also super-impactful. I just don't know what to say that will fill up this little comment space other than repititions of the words 'fuck' 'whoa' and 'holy shit', because the combination of those three don't even begin to cover it.

My absolute favorite line?

"I think he drowned."
^^^^
That one sentence fricking killed me, dude.
Seriously.
Amazing job.
:arms:

I saw your confessions, and you should've have worried about this. It was amazing. :arms:

I'm so jealous of the way you write dialogue, btw. :twitch: It's so natural and it flows really well.
Your descriptions are so vivid and just.. beautiful. It was so emotional and I loved On his down days and nights, Jack counted the hours until 11:11 when he wished for a castle for him and his girl because that's what you do for your friends. It was adorable. :cute:
The last line was just so sharp and to the point. I love endings like that.

Dude...
This was really really great.

This was such an amazing piece!

I love all the descriptions, the feelings that you set off with them, and the unspoken emotions that you poured into the dialogue.

The whole story was well written, no grammatical error found. Each paragraph reveals so much about the couple, but without giving away much. I love your style.

This was amazing, a full review will come over the next few days :arms: