When No One Was Looking, the World Heard Everything - Comments

For the "Comment the Summary" thread:

This has nothing to do with the summary, but I was incredibly intrigued by the title

I really loved your use of rhythm and repetition in the beginning of the summary because I felt like it really drove in that insomniac feeling of desperate trying to fall asleep and the way that your mind naturally wanders. I also enjoyed the conciseness of this summary in those first three brief paragraphs. I felt like a got a good grasp on what the piece is going to be about without getting so much that it ruins it for me, which is exactly what I feel a good summary should do

I got the feeling that this centered around a co-dependent relationship that could be on the verge of unraveling, and I loved that by the summary, this seems like a very in-the-moment piece that takes place mostly in Ryan’s head, which is the sort of stuff I enjoy reading.

While I like how the Palahniuk quote ties in with the chapter title, I have to admit that coming across it after reading your own summary did throw me off a little. If that quote has to be included for the contest or whatever, I would suggest maybe placing it before your summary or in the A/N. Honestly, I feel like your summary is much stronger on its own without the quote, but I appreciate knowing the source of inspiration

I love this, it is well written.
Your an amazing writer an i'm glad the comment swap took me to this story.
I like the way it skips around and how well it just meshes together.
>_>
Plus the smut was great and I'm glad you rated your story approprieatly, unlike some people.

I love this. I don't think I can put into words how much I love all of your work. This is a favorite, definitely.

i love the way you write. i really do. this was fantastic. i don't even know. i could feel every emotion that the characters were feeling... it was just grand.

This was like, the hottest, most fucked up, awesomest thing I've read all month.
Really well written.

“Do you want to go in or stay out here?”

“Don’t care. Bren?”

“Hmm?”

“I. You know.”

“Yeah, Ry. I know.”

Sweet! Cliche is far from this. Although the part where 'Ryan slept with Pete to make Brendon slip away from his mind' is. But things happen. Mememe. I love love love this.

That's some pretty wonderful writing. I LOVED this.

fascinating. :3
very creative.

Story/Review Game

Okay, so the first thing I noticed is that you weren't tagging your dialogue correctly. Like here:

“No.” Ryan said quietly.

It should be: “No,” Ryan said quietly.

Ryan made a little, contended noise in the back of his throat, bringing his hand to rest on Brendon’s stomach.

Here I was confused by the use of the word "contended." Did you mean "contented"?

I liked the first part. The nice moment when the two are just sitting in the car and they curl up to one another. That moment was very sweet and also very realistic.

And if either of the other two boys heard they kept it to themselves.

Thought a comma was needed here, after "heard." Without it, the sentences reads weird.

“Will you wreck?” and Just don’t wreck okay?

Those two phrases sounded a bit strange to me. I know what it means, but it's not a phrase I've heard anyone use, you know, so it kind of wrecks (sorry for the horrible joke) the dialogue for me. I'm a stickler for believable dialogue.

I was kind of confused by the layout of the van during the second 'scene' of the story. When you said that Ryan crawled up and knelt on the floor between the front seats, I imagined a van with two separate seats in the front and an empty space between the two. But then you said He curled up in the middle seat and was asleep before the next mile marker, which made me thing that it was a bench seat in the front. So I really don't know which it is. Unless it's a three row van and Ryan sat in the second row (middle row), but if that's the case, why wouldn't Spencer and Jon have spread out. <-Not necessarily important to the story, but it was something I noticed.

I like how there's a pattern being developed here, with Ryan being a giver and not necessarily wanting anything in return...yet. It makes me a bit antsy to see what's going to bring this story to it's climax (wow, so many bad puns I'm making).

I liked that the sex in the third scene was done. Hinted at and clear, and not so in-your-face. I was a bit taken aback by Brendon's sudden aggression, specifically with this line: Brendon fisted his hand in Ryan’s hair and pulled his head back, kissing him hard on the mouth. He swallowed Ryan’s moan and trailed a hand down his chest. “You’re gonna come, Ry.” he hissed.

He pulled the comforter over Ryan’s still body and lightly hissed his temple, gently brushing his hair back.

Just a typo I noticed. I'm pretty sure you mean 'kissed', if not, then I'm thoroughly confused.

I'm beginning to be a bit curious as to why Ryan can never sleep. Insomnia? Why? It's definitely interesting to think about why Ryan's having such trouble. Also, I'm a little in the dark about the relationship between Ryan and Brendon. There's the sex, yes, but other than that, I'm not sure. Are they simply friends with benefits or in a relationship or what? I think it's safe to say that they care for each other, but I'm interested in finding out how far the feelings go.

Tour busses were harder.

Typo again.

I think the repetition in this story works very well. Not just the scenario, but with the repetition of certain lines and words. It helps to create a mood and it helps to develop the relationship too. Nicely done.

Spencer looked at Brendon. Jon looked at Spencer. Brendon nodded. “A break sounds great. I can’t even remember what my house looks like.”

“You live with your parents.” Spencer said.

“Shut up. So do you.”

Thought that bit was really cute. I think it was only about the second time there was any real interaction between the other two and the other band members.

Okay, personally, I thought the fisting but was disgusting, but that's just me. The idea, for me, is pretty damn gross, but to each his own, right? I was happy, in a way, that Brendon finally tried to address the problem. Even though Ryan didn't want to talk about. I think it also worked well for the story that Ryan wasn't willing to talk about it and that Brendon didn't push the subject.

I thought it was very interesting that the other boys know about it but don't mention it. I think it's a very realistic idea, the simple 'don't talk about' motto. And the fact that Spencer mentions that it's been happening for years draws me into the story a bit more. Makes me want to know what's really behind all this business with Ryan.

“Then something happens. I’m not sure what.”

“Gravity.” Pete wasn’t sure if Ryan could even hear him.

Very nice, probably my favorite bit of the story.

The outside scene, once again brings up my concerns with Brendon's aggression. Is he this aggressive so that he can take care of Ryan or is that just the way he is, and that forces Ryan to be so submissive. Initially I thought that Ryan was the one with the problem and Brendon was 'helping' him. But now I definitely think that Brendon's got some issues of his owns. It gives me a creepy feeling, like Brendon's going to go to far one day and do more damage than good.

Eh, the whole Brendon/Ryan and Patrick/Peter thing really...eh. I didn't like it. I don't like stories where everyone is gay. For me, it takes a bit away from the story because it makes it less believable. Suddenly, I feel as though I've been pushed into this 'make believe' reality and it's just...I can't explain but it's too fanfiction-y. Too 'ideal' in a way, everyone being gay. I just don't think it works well.

“There is, Ry.” Brendon hissed. “Whether you like it or not. You can’t make it go away, no matter who you fuck.”

“No this.”

Did you mean "not this"? If not, then I was confused, by what Ryan means.

I thought it was interesting that Ryan slept with Pete to try to push Brendon away or push aside his feelings for Brendon. Kind of cliché, but it happens, so...yeah. It makes me think that Ryan's been hurt before, by some other lover, but I'm not 100% on that.

To be out of control, in Brendon’s control. Not out of control with another out of control person. Someone needed to have that hold on him.

Here there is two really good lines being mucked up by a so-so line. I think the way that sentences is worded doesn't have as much of a kick as the lines surrounded it. It kind of weakens the sentiment, in a way, and brings down that part.

“I think my dad heard that.” Ryan said, giving a small laugh and tucking his head under Brendon’s chin.

I liked the morbid humor.

I'm kind of mixed about the ending. I think it was very well-written and nicely executed but I'm just not sure how I felt about it. It kind of felt too...perfect. Like it worked out to well, but, really, if it hadn't ended that way, how else could it have ended? I don't know. I felt kind of bittersweet about it. It's nice that it worked out for them, but then it's just...it was expected, you know?

Anyway, other than the issues with the dialogue tagging and the few typos I pointed out, this was very well written. I think the pace at which the story moved was perfect and helped to really push the plot of the story along and give just enough information. The way each part was broken up worked very well, and like I said before the repetition was a nice touch. While it was really well-written, I think that this is one of those stories that have a very common plot. In the way that the situation has been used a lot - broken person fixed by another person and lots of sex used to pull them together. I can see that there's more to the relationship than sex, but...I really sex was all I read. The bits and pieces of just simply caring were so few and far between. For me, it kind of took away from the relationship a bit.

Sorry if this is a bit long, but the story was long so...yeah.

Story/Review Game
Bravo! That was so awesome. I was like OMFG what's gonna happen next the WHOLE TIME. Good job and keep writing. You're one of the best writers I've seen.

That may be one of the greatest stories I've ever read.

That was amazing.
I really liked it.
It had a lot of feeling and emotion into it.
You're an amazing writer.

i completely agree with everything that michael dude read. this wasn't just another cliche rydon. this actually had some sort of depth to it some sort of mysterious era. i absolutely loved it. the ending was perfect. it just fit. even though i didn't want the story to end, it was just amazing and worked it's way to fill the almost empty space that was left for it.

Story/Review Game

It took about forty-five minutes for him to roll over and curl up against Brendon’s side.

This is my favorite part about the opening. I can totally relate to icebox-chill, but this stood out to me more because it doesn’t seem significant until this part:

He was counting the younger boy’s breaths. It took fourteen to work up the nerve.

I like the way you brought in Ryan’s hesitance without really mentioning the word or any synonym of it. I also like how you managed to show that their breath’s are synchronized with this line:

The fifteenth breath hitched in Brendon’s throat

Cuz the first fourteen breaths were Ryan’s, right? Yeah. So that was really cool. And I thought it was really cute how Brendon was just like “Okay.” And there’s no explanation as to who its for, for Brendon’s sake or Ryan’s. The air of mystery~ (yes that squiggly is necessary). I’m a sucker for cute little things like curly-sleeping-next-to-each-other. Seriously. That’s just plain adorable. It’s also a little weird because people usually jack themselves off to get to sleep, not other people. But I guess that brings the characters closer? Especially if you think about this and their synched breathing.

Its also pretty noticeable that you don’t mention their relationship prior to the story. I mean, I know its fanfiction, but its like OF to me because I don’t read PATD. Though I’m guessing from this bit that they were friends:

The next day neither of them mentioned anything. And if either of the other two boys heard they kept it to themselves

Oh, and this sentence was awesome on a stick:
Ryan’s blood seemed extra warm, thrumming in his veins.

It gave me such a nice little feeling. A happy feeling. Maybe its because of “warm” and “thrumming”, but that really seems like a happy sentence. Like just giving Brendon pleasure made him happy. Because they’re so close, maybe?

He rested his head on Brendon’s thigh and the younger boy absently stroked his hair

Awwwww! :brightside: And this is where I start to smile because its so goofy and just plain...nice. Its fluffy in a completely unfluffy way. (I need to find new adjectives.):

The younger boy awkwardly rocked up to help and ended up drifting into a (fortunately) empty lane.

That sentence made me laugh. It keeps up with the tone of the piece which is grounded and real, driven by the actions and not the emotion. The motives seem irrelevant, which is new to me. Different in a good way.

“God, this is going to kill my back.” Ryan said conversationally before wrapping his hand around Brendon’s cock and working it to erection. “Just don’t wreck okay? Impossible to explain to the insurance company.”

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

vehicular fellatio <-- that phrase owns my life. :XD

He curled up in the middle seat and was asleep before the next mile marker.

AHA! See? Again! It helps him get to sleep, which is completely backwards but keeps my interest up. And its also quite interesting how he can just act so normal:
“Water running means I’m in here, idiot.” Ryan snorted without looking.

Also, this is a really great image. I can actually see it. I mean, not him in the shower, but the slow-and-not-dramatic head-turning:

Ryan turned slowly, head lowered. He looked up at the other boy through his wet eyelashes.

The eyelashes thing =

He swallowed Ryan’s moan

I like that. It keeps up with the backwardness of Ryan’s situation. Like, most people swallow their own words and sounds, but to swallow someone else’s? I really like that bit. And this was a great closing to the scene/episode:

But the evidence was quickly washed down the drain.

The next two parts are pretty cool. I don’t know if they need to be separated by *** though. The part where Brendon gets Ryan to come and Ryan being able to sleep without sexual aid (poor phrase. I know. Forgive me.) But it’s quite prominent how quickly Brendon figures the situation out. I guess that goes back to how intertwined the two characters are, as friends and as...people? Yeah, I dunno. But at this point it seems like they might as well be two sides of one brain. What’s even more interesting is that it Ryan and Brendon both understand what he needs, but Ryan at least doesn’t seem to know why, especially at this bit:

[iWas he hopeful or discouraged?

This is also pretty neat, how they go through a bit of a routine, with Brendon always offering to return the favor, I guess, and Ryan declining.

“I’m not going to fuck you.” Brendon said hurriedly

You know, I’m not quite sure why this needed to be repeated, but I think it just...did. I think it kind of highlights Ryan’s hesitance, which is pretty much in-your-face from the beginning of the story.

And the interlude was nice. Comic relief and insight into the characters. And it made me smile:

“You live with your parents.” Spencer said.

“Shut up. So do you.”

The next scene/episode with the cabin...I can’t just paste the entire thing here so I will just describe it instead. I like how it starts off a bit lightheartedly, so that its not a sudden dramatic change. It’s not like an annoyingly bipolar change of tone, so that was pwnsome. But I think this is one of the more significant passages in the story. Especially because they finally get around to “figuring it out”. Why Ryan needs it so much, to sleep, to write. And I guess he’s becoming...immune to it or something. He’s also quite closed about it, which keeps up the interest. The mystery~ of it all. And this made me laugh:

“I can’t shove my fist up your ass every time the music doesn’t go with your lyrics, Ry.” Brendon said, trying to keep his voice even. “There isn’t enough time in the day.”

I mean, I know he’s pissed off and upset, but its pretty snarky and funny. Your lack of flowering/sugaring everything up is...refreshing. Like, you don’t tiptoe around what they do and neither do they. I like that. No awkwardness, no shame, just reality and facts.

Pete came out to visit a few weeks later, unannounced. So it was really his own fault when he pushed open Ryan’s door just in time to hear the boy scream, Brendon’s hand wrist deep inside him.

:XD Not to make light of the situation but :lmfao...how traumatizing. And there’s finally a breakthrough, an analysis, which is really what I’ve been waiting for the entire time I was reading. It’s like “Seriously, what is up with this?” Of course, Spencer’s analysis is not really anything different from what’s already assumed, but it makes sense to throw in how the other bandmates feel about it.

Ok, so far I’d been reading a paragraph and writing the review. Like...analyzing the piece as I read it. Like an English exam. But after this point it was like...whoarly. It makes sense but its hard to make sense of. But goddamit. It’s kind of a whirlwind.
The thing of “trying to make it go away”. And it takes a while for it to click, like “To make what go away? What’s plaguing him?”

And then there’s just something I loved about Ryan asking Patrick for permission. And somehow Patrick knew what was going on though he wasn’t really in the story before. And all of a sudden, its like, Brendon knew. Before the reader knew. Maybe before Ryan knew. This was amazing:

“Don’t disappear on me, Ry.” he whispered, leaning down until his lips were brushing against Ryan’s ear.

And finally finally finally, the answer I’ve been reading for:
Brendon responded with a particularly sharp and angled thrust. Ryan moaned and arched his back. This was what he had wanted. To be out of control, in Brendon’s control. Not out of control with another out of control person. Someone needed to have that hold on him.

And as much as hated that it was Brendon, he knew there was no one else. He just didn’t want Brendon to know that, even if he already did.

Oh, btw, I think you missed a “he” in there, before “hated”.

I like how the entire sex scene seems somehow...surreal, even if its not (makes no sense, I know) and then immediately after, they’re back to life, back to each other and laughing and “I think my dad heard that”. :XD

“I think this means we’re in love.” Brendon said softly, brushing his lips against the top of Ryan’s hair.

“Maybe I can sleep now.” Ryan returned.

This really takes me back to the beginning of the story, where they’re curled up next to each other and asleep. The cuteness overwhelms.

This is actually a really good question:
“How’d you even get the mattress out here without killing yourself?” Brendon asked, his hand stroking the small of Ryan’s back.

Seriously. :shifty.

“I. You know.”

“Yeah, Ry. I know.”

AWWWWWWW :brightside: Perfect ending. Absolutely perfect. And there’s Ryan again with his hesitance, except not really. And before he said he didn’t want Brendon to know, but then he says “you know” and awwwawwwawwwwawww. Its gush-worthy, this ending.

I think pretty much this entire story is gush worthy. Oh, but in the beginning, I think instead of “sleep eyes”, you should have put “sleepy eyes”. But that’s just me. So...yay for this story. =D

I actually wouldn’t know how it stands up against other PATD plotlines and Rydon stories because I don’t read them, but it was pretty damn epic. So yeah.

Wow. This was so pretty =)

That was amazing, Dru.
You have no idea how much I got wrapped up in that.
It was like I was there and I could just see them.
And there was so much love and passion.
It was perfect.

Ps: I love that you used the cabin.

This was beautiful.
I could feel everything.
That may not make sense but I hope you know what I mean.
I loved it. :arms:

Well, I have to say, that was single handedly the hottest screwed up kinda shit I've read in a really long time.
Thank you for that, enjoyable ride.

Ha, wow. I loved this, it was awesome. :) :D ♥♥♥

New story.
Oneshot.
Ryden.
There's a pattern and Ryan breaks it.

Happy [?] reading!

xoxox
-Dru