Beddy Bye Time - Comments

  • ward-o

    ward-o (150)

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    :con: Okay.

    The beginning was very intriguing. The very first line, though, threw me off a bit.
    It was times like these when lying in bed for the rest of my life seems like a good idea.
    The word 'seems', I believe, should be 'seemed', right? :shifty :think:
    Exactly what is it that I really should get up for?
    I felt like that was a very powerful line, good job.
    enough to get me out of bed but it's not.
    There should be a comma between 'bed' and 'but', bby.
    Regret that I again didn't do anything to stop them.
    Comma before and after 'again', bb. :think: At least I think so.
    My eyes closed again trying to fall back to sleep into some sort of false reality whether it made me wake up in tears again.
    A comma after 'again' and after the word 'reality'. Nice line, though, it expresses a lot of emotion in such simple words.
    Dreams though...They differ, even slightly,
    This should be:
    Dreams, though... they differ, even slightly,
    could never happen at least it differs from reality.
    Comma after 'happen'. I'm not sure if it's personal preference or not, but I feel it'd be better to use the term 'different' than 'differ'. But it's both correct.
    Uh... in describing the pillow, the comma between 'white' and 'fluff' isn't needed. I think it sounds fine without it.
    I should be more thankful for it I suppose but if you ask me,
    Comma before and after 'I suppose'. I like this line and the rest of it, geese feathers can never replace the care. Of course it can't, but you displayed the emotion of the character well on how it was the only thing that was there for him/her.

    I feel like that was a really interesting way to end a story. It kind of leaves me there, hanging, expecting and wanting more, but knowing that there isn't any more. Everything's there and it's all so tragic and very sad. I do believe that whoever reads this won't be able to help but care about the character.

    Especially knowing that this was written from personal experience. We will have a very important talk about the, Roxy.

    This was good and just the right length. :arms: Good job. (:
    May 31st, 2009 at 10:27am
  • for the birds

    for the birds (100)

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    i liked it. (:
    i wish there was more, though.
    May 28th, 2009 at 03:44am