Don't Wake Me Up. - Comments

...haha brain still sizzling here. Like a soda that's been shaken more than once on a hot day but forced to calm down. Anyway, I had to comment. It was great. Ha. You wrote james' teasing personality perfectly, and the end was sweet. =]

i read this ages and ages ago, but i forgot to comment. vee was talking about james bourne/tom fletcher on msn and she told me to read this but i remembered i'd already read it and i felt bad for not commenting.

i hope you know how much i love your writing. seriously. you're one of my favourite authors on mibba. i know i don't comment a lot [and i'm really sorry about that btw] but i'm always just like :cheese: omg! and i never know what to say.

this was really short, but so amazing and descriptive. it was just so cute and fluffly, i adored it

I throw my cushion at him, and he licks his lips. Fucker. great ending, it made me giggleee :tehe:

you are just brilliant tbh. sorry for being a weirdo :XD

I'm not usually a fan of fanfics but that was amazing!

Tom and James <3.

It is quite possible that one of the best mistakes I've made in a very long time was forgetting to comment on your other story. Because without that one little mistake, it's very unlikely that I would have stumbled upon this.

The first full paragraph may have the best description I've seen in a story on Mibba. It's so real. Descriptive in a way that isn't forced or to flowery. It creates this perfect picture and the inclusion of senses other than sight (feel, smell, taste) works amazingly here. I often find myself having to push through a story to get through the end, but with that one paragraph, you've managed to really get me interested if for no reason other than really great writing skill. That paragraph allows me to feel what the character is feeling and I love that.

I think that his attempts at avoiding answering the question is very realistic. The things he does, refusing to open his eyes and the mock-confusion, is something that I think we can all related. I think it's something that all bad liars do, pretend to be confused by the questions or situations.

"...Stop taking the piss."

This part I didn't understand, but I'm guessing it's a British phrase?

The inclusion of small details like but I can smell vodka and startling turquoise eyes looming at me in the dark, slightly bloodshot from booze are a very nice touch. A really good way to let the reader know of the mindset of the character without having to blatantly say "and he was drunk" or "he was hung-over." I love when authors just hint at things, especially emotions, rather than coming right out and saying it. I think it adds a lot of depth to a story.

The boy's reaction to the kiss, in my opinion, is perfect. I like the awkwardness and the confusion and the "oh God, what the hell is happening here?" It's something else that's real and rare here on Mibba. I think I see it too often, the first kiss that is perfect and there's no doubt or hesitation, and I really liked that this felt like it could actually be happening.

The last full paragraph is just as wonderful as the first. It feels kind of rushed and chaotic but in a way that works very well with the character. It's kind of an overload of the senses but it's just very fitting.

This was a really nice piece. I very much enjoyed reading it.

I've got 20 minutes to leave this review, I'm going to see if I can do this. I know I owe you a review on Barcode but this is shorter so I'll review this now since it's the only story on my bookmarked for feedback list that's pretty short. Hope you don't mind. :arms:

I like that it opened with dialogue. I really like stories that open with dialogue. I don't quite know why, in all honesty. Maybe it's because it gets the reader straight into the action. All I know is that it's a good technique to get the story instantly flowing. And even better is that it's a question. I instantly wondered what the answer was going to be and it really sets a mood for the story because the question just sounds so interesting and naive, and I was interested to see if James is the person that always looks after Tom.

I absolutely LOVED this description. My shoulder feels like it’s stitched to the sofa and my eyelids are practically one glazed over hunk of skin. You've got such a way with words; I'd never be able to go about describing this, for starters! I like how the description is just completely natural, too. I've seen a few stories where this is done really effectively, but in all honesty I think you do it best.

I loved the innocence of James's question. “Is - what Dougie said earlier, is it true?” He seems quite childlike, in a way, and it's like he's speaking to Tom for advice or security. And I think this is quite ironic, since James is the older one here, and Tom is the younger one. It's like a role reversal, to some extent, Tom playing the adult and James playing the younger, more naive one. This is pretty significant, especially since Busted "looked after" (if that's the right way to describe it?) McFly when they first started off.

Sorry to quote so much, but I bloody loved this! fucking hate truth-or-dare. If only Matt had challenged Dougie to run naked down the street or something instead of making him spill someone else’s secret, I wouldn’t be in this mess. I like his anger at Matt, he just seems so pissed off and he wants to vent his anger at the world, but instead he's keeping it inside of him and it's slowly building up. And it makes me feel sorry for him, and also slightly worried about him, hoping that things will be okay.

I like the whole casualness of the story, too. Despite the fact that James is all worried, there's still this light-heartedness about the whole situation. I can practically hear the smirk on his breath. It gives the story a little bit more...it just gives the story that little bit more, you know? I like how you can do this - write a piece that's got quite serious undertones but on the top it's all light-hearted, like for instance with All About You.

You've written James perfectly. The thing about James is that you will never get a serious answer out of him. Every single comment he makes is laced with either toilet-humour or sarcasm. That is completely true and I'm so glad you picked up on that. James is a bit of a crazy twat in all honesty, like a small kid, and I liked this comment because there's a role reversal at this stage, what with James making a comment that it's "perfectly common at the age of eighteen". I thought that was pretty funny and it's totally something that James would say. You've written him perfectly.

I like the subtlety of this. He sighs, and I feel a soft breeze on my face. It's like, he wants to get closer to him but doesn't quite know how. So he just moves closer because Tom's got his eyes closed and he thinks he doesn't quite know. That's how I see this, anyway.

Well I have to go to school now. I had a feeling that I wouldn't get it done in 20 minutes. When I'm back I'll come and finish this off before doing some studying. Edit: I'm back, let's see if I can get this done.

I loved this description. my vision is blocked by a pair of startling turquoise eyes looming at me in the dark, slightly bloodshot from booze You paid great attention to detail, and I like how his eyes were turquoise, rather than just a fixed colour like blue or green. It gives a certain edge to the writing and I like how you kept to real life by saying his eyes were bloodshot by the alcohol he'd drunk. I like the little things that you add in like this.

You're great at writing scenes like this. In a panicked response I squeeze my lips together, at a total loss for what to do with myself, and he gives a mixture between a sigh and a moan. I like how he's not sure what to do and the kiss is just that slightly bit awkward, it makes it seem so much more real. Tom's not entirely sure what to make of the situation and he's a little bit scared, I think. And that's really cute. XD They're really good for each other and I completely adored James's reaction, a mixture of a sigh and a moan.

I adored the innocence of James's comment, here. “They can’t say you’ve never been kissed now, Fletcher.” It's totally something he'd say, and I like the ever-so-slight air of cockiness about it. It's like something that would definitely happen, and I loved how James called Tom by his last name. He's become the adult again, and Tom's like the little kid, in a way. Also, the last line was very James-esque and very effective. I love it when stories end on one liners, especially if they're funny ones. (I know it's technically two lines but you get my drift!)

Wonderful. I loved this. And woohoo, collectively I got this all done in half an hour! I feel productive.

Wow. Really well written.
I loved it! <3
(=

Okay, so first just let me mention that I love the picture you chose, very nice, and the text that you picked to write over it fit VERY well. I also appreciate working layouts for stories, and tend to get annoyed, like most people, when you can't see things or you have to struggle. I think that ends my rant on layouts...

My shoulder feels like it’s stitched to the sofa and my eyelids are practically one glazed over hunk of skin. I can taste some cocktail of gin and thickened saliva on my teeth, and my nostrils are home to smoky wisps from someone’s fags. James’ stubby fingers leave an imprint either side of my jaw, trying to shake my brain into action, and I slap them away with a grunt sieved through lethargy.

That whole paragraph was probably one of my favorites in the one-shot, I liked the fact that you described everything so interestingly. Like when you wrote that his eyelids were practically one big hunk of skin, that was certainly a mental picture, maybe not a good one, but it did help to get the point along.

“Is - what Dougie said earlier, is it true?”

That sentence kept me hooked, I mean honestly who wouldn't want to know what Dougie said, and since I read the little teaser in the summary of the chapter I was double-dying to know what the secret was that had been told.

I can feel the blood racing through each vessel in my face to surface at my cheeks, and scrunch up my eyes in a mock-stupor, just to put off answering his question.

I really have to compliment you for this because you are amazing and don't just say that he blushed, making it seem, in a sense, a tad bit more manly.

If only Matt had challenged Dougie to run naked down the street or something instead of making him spill someone else’s secret, I wouldn’t be in this mess.

Ohmigod! I got to this point and I was pretty sure that not only was there some laced in humor (that I did laugh at), but also there was another reference to the secret, which I was pretty sure by now that Dougie had told everyone that Tom had a crush on James...

Uhm, I know that you would probably be annoyed if I copied the last two paragraphs that explain the kiss into this message...so I will just gush about them.

I give you some major props, that kiss was spectacular, I mean honestly you explained it all sooooo well. (Creepily enough) I could almost see and know what the kiss would feel like.

I twist my hand up, ready to push him off as our teeth clink together awkwardly and he chuckles – but the vibrations of his voice box reverberate through my lips and into my head and down my whole spine.

Hahaha, I liked the slight awkwardness of the kiss, it made it seem more real. I laughed when Tom was ready to pull away and James laughed causing the vibrations, and he liked it. Again it made it seem more real because he wasn't just all gung-ho for the surprise that he had been presented with.

“They can’t say you’ve never been kissed now, Fletcher.”

Finally, I was SHOCKED, I mean honestly I wasn't expecting that, but it was amazing how you made it work. I love surprises and that made me laugh, because I was seriously expecting something along the lines of a love confession, but this in a way was better.

Keep up the amazing work, I think I have read some other things of yours before! (:

wow <3

that.was.epic.
:cheese:

Firstly.
- :yah
Secondly

Thirdly

Fourthly


I can't review this - its just too good :cheese:
Yum! ;;P

FUTURE GIRL LOVES STAR GIRL!!