I love this, it was hilarious.
July 13th, 2009 at 05:58pm
Well done for getting second place! :XD I really was stuck for picking winners, but this story was stuck in my head due to being so original and so humourous. It just had to win something. :cute:
I ramble alot in reviews, but hopefully it won't be too mahoosive. :tehe: I'll review as I read.
"If there is one thing to know about Brendon Urie, it’s that he does not wait." Straight away, I am drawn in. It's because I'm curious to hear more about him, and because it's straight to the point and makes me want to hear more. Great way to start. (:
"His erratic, inpatient manner often got the best of him, and annoyed even the calmest of people, especially his best friend Ryan Ross, who seemed to live his life in a mellow, monotonous fashion." I love this whole paragraph! I love the way that Brendon seems like such a typical boy, and the way that it brings in his best friend. I thought it was funny how you've made them best friends, and yet so different to eachother. Sortof brings in the expression, "Opposites attract".
"every single person whose life intertwined with his dreaded the day when that boy would turn sixteen, knowing the consequences of that day." I like this line because it makes me think....why is it dreaded? Surely turning sixteen should be something that everyone looks forward too! And what are the consequences? So many questions are running through my head because something that is seen as a celebration is getitng seen as anything but that, and that's interesting. :tehe:
"That morning when Brendon awoke, the first thing he did was not run into his parents room, demanding presents to compensate for his birth, nor taunt his siblings about how they had to be nice to him for the entire day." One of the reasons I picked this story as one of the winning three, is because it makes me smile. I love stories that make me smile, and chuckle and this is exactly the sortof line that does just that. I think the way you make Brendon do things that seem unnormal. Most kids taunt their siblings on their birthdays afterall, and the fact that he isn't doing that is strange. I really want to find out where he's going!
". He considered spending the rest of the day kicking shit and brooding in his room because of his lack of upper lip hair, but then he remembered that he still had presents and birthday cake waiting for him, and quickly forgot his anger." I think, I love you. :XD This whole paragraph makes me roll my eyes (in a good way) because it reflects truly how children/teenagers act. The fact that he's so upset about not having any hair on his upper lip, and then suddenly in a split second thinks, "Oh wait! Presents!" is hilarious! I think you pulled it off really well, because in some stories it would seem ammature but the way it flows and the concept it's written in just makes me laugh! (in a good way off course!) (:
"Brendon hated Ryan. Hated him so much, he wanted to kick that bastard in shin for everything he had done to him." This bit made me go, omgno: I was like, but but they're best friends! I even scrolled up again to make sure I read right earlier! But then....I read the next bit and it all made sence and ONCE AGAIN made me giggle. The way you described the other things that Ryan had that Brendon didn't was really good, but then the way Brendon's like, "but the mustache really topped it off." was just brilliant. You really start to feel for Brendon because you can understand that he's so desperate to look more grown up, and yet you sort of want to just laugh at him for being silly!
"Brendon sat sulking in his room for the better half of the night, contemplating the thought of using a sharpie to draw on the facial hair, but decided against it. It was probably too obvious" Perfect. This whole extract just screams genuis! The way that he even thought about drawing a mustache on was funny, but the reason why he goes against it is even better. I love how even though he's turned sixteen, you still have him acting abit...immature. Which makes it funny because it's almost as if he wants to look older physically, but it doesn't matter about his behaviour.
"Ryan didn’t have a girlfriend, both of them knew that, but Brendon was too busy being happy and hugging the life out of Ryan to catch him out on it because shaving off your wicked mustache because your friend couldn’t grow his own was true friendship." Aww, this makes me smile! It's so sweet, because it shows the real depth of their friendship and how Ryan is clearly upset that Brendons upset and therefore will even shave his facial hair off to cheer him up. It might not seem like such an act of friendship to anyone else, but to Brendon it's like, the best thing he could've done, and that's sweet. It makes the story seem more real, almost. :cute:
"“Mom, I think I’m defective. I demand that we see a doctor. Preferably today, please,” was the first words to come out of Brendon’s mouth one Saturday morning, half a year after his sixteenth birthday." I like how you've made time pass, and it's worked really well. Sometimes in stories it can appear to be rushed, however in this it flows nicely. You don't fail to make the reader laugh once again, because now we can see Brendon thinks it's gone to a whole new level! I like your choice of words as well, like 'defect'. It's like he's trying to be serious about something that isn't really serious at all. :XD
"Mrs Urie almost spat her hot tea all over the place when her son’s words reached her ears" :XD this is so relateable, and real, because it's something that you can imagine any mother would do upon hearing something like what Brendon said.
Mrs Urie was trying her hardest to stifle laughter, but her son’s priceless expression wasn’t helping her in anyway. What made it worse was how hard Brendon was trying to seem older, and if you knew Brendon, you would know how hard it was to ever take the boy seriously.Aww, you feel sorry for Brendon here. You wrote this part really well, because I love the way that you make it so easy for the reader to imagine. I can really see Brendon and his mum sitting at a table discussing this, and you can imagine the smile starting to creep on her face. It's brilliant, really! I like how you describe how Brendon tries to make his voice manlier, almost proving that he still not quite hit puberty yet no matter what he thinks.
“I am so mature! How could you even say that? Well, I see how it is. If you need your grown-up son, he will be upstairs eating his weight in Lucky Charms and watching Sponge Bob. Good day!” This whole part just screams irony, and you done it so well! The fact that Brendon is trying to be mature and yet just fails miserably is just hilarious. I'm feeling pity toward him, but at the same time I'm giggling at his antics. I don't want him to grow any facial hair just because it's more amusing that he hasnt.
"It was two days before Brendon’s seventeenth birthday, and shit, he was getting nervous. His non-existent facial hair killed him every time he looked into the mirror" Once again we've moved on about half a year, and it still is flowing brilliantly. You haven't made it seem to sudden, it seems as if it just fits. Poor old Brendon still hasn't got facial hair, and I think now you can see he's giving up hope- which makes you feel quite sad for him! I like how you've dragged on the pain of not having facial hair, and made it humourous so that it's great for people reading.
"Brendon felt different. Not in a bad way, but in a nothing way. He would be seventeen in a few hours time, but that wasn’t the reason. No, it was definitely something to do with his body, not his age." I like this! I think I know what's about to happen, but in a good way. I think that your use of short sentances really work in this story, and make it more easy to follow. I also think that short sentances work better in a comedy style story, and therefore it all goes nicely.
"He slowly peeled back the covers, and trudged into the bathroom, his dreary eyes searching for the light switch" I wanted to pick this sentance out, purely for the fact that I love the adjectives you've used. "Peeled" "Trudged" "Dreary" They all work really well together, and make me think of him as being seriously tired and....maybe confused? It also draws more tension into what he's about to see!
"Excitement built as he realized he could rub this in Ryan and Spencer’s faces and his parents would stop laughing behind his back. He was a man now!" I love the last line, I think it's brilliant. The way I read it and imagined him saying it was like all manly and triumphuntly! Like, he's waited so long for this and now it's finally come and he's so proud of himself. It's sweet, makes me feel all like, "Aww" which is always nice. (:
"He ran down stairs, the excitement building, and all inhabitants of the Urie house were awaken with the heartfelt squeal of,
“I HAVE THREE MUSTACHE HAIRS! I’VE HIT PUBERTY!”"
I love the ending. It's funny, sweet, and it just makes me want to smile loads. The use of the word, "heartfelt" and "squeal" is just adorable in this context, and makes you want to give him a huge cuddle! It's such a nice, simple but cute way to finish of the story. I really liked it.
Overall, I think this is just seriously wonderful. You made me laugh, and you made me just feel overly happy. And happy stories are always nice to read. It wasn't too "fluffy" and it wasn't too "try hard" You pulled of making it a comedy without making it seem as if you was trying to fit jokes in left right and center. It was done naturally, and that is a talent!
You should feel really proud, you deserved second place. :cute:
