August 4th, 2009 at 02:53am
That was beautiful. *sniff*
Very nicely written. I can see now why you were in the top set for english!
I hope you write more things like this. You are amazing at them!
xx
Shells - Comments
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July 26th, 2009 at 11:51pm
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I really loved the beginning, it made me smile and really did show the inside of a fifteen year old girls mind. Despite I don't know what thats like. Either way, I very muched liked it.
D xoxJuly 20th, 2009 at 09:40pm -
I absolutely loved it. I actually teared up a bit when it she had to leave her home. It was so lovely. I loved the idea of the shell allowing the girl to hold on to her memory. It was unique.
And the ending sentence, I loved it. It's probably something that I'll be quoting now.June 21st, 2009 at 10:33pm -
Absolutely beautiful. The imagery was great, and it was altogether very touching
I thought it was lovely 
June 21st, 2009 at 07:29pm -
One Shot For One Shot.
The flashback was so adorable :] You portrayed a childs behaviour perfectly, it was really realistic.
I didn’t want to talk. I knew that if I opened my mouth only sobs would come out. that line was just so sad.
This seemed very natural, all of it. It didn't feel rushed or forced, it was really lovely.
I loved how the end was the same as the start. Well, not the same. But, it started with a beach, and it ended with a beach. I love things like that. :XD
I really enjoyed this. It was so effective and the last line was a brilliant way to end it. Good job. :arms:June 19th, 2009 at 07:29pm -
I really love the beginning. The relationship between the girl and mother is really sweet. How the girl talked and behaved etc was very realistic, most people go too over-the-top when writing young children but I think you did it quite nicely. :cute:
“But mummy, how can something so big fit into something so little?”
“Magic.”
Those lines are really...perfect.
I pondered how my life could fit into so little boxes.
I like how the lines I quoted just before are paralled by this one.
And I really like the ending. Especially the last line, it just sums up the whole story nicely.
Your spelling and grammar is excellent, there were just a few things wrong, like in I crept down the stairs and on the second to last step I heard it make an awfully loud creek, I hesitated should be creak. Although looking back that's the only one I can see. :XD
For the one shot for one shot game.June 17th, 2009 at 11:31am -
Effective nostalgia at the beginning. You really grasped the concept of the young girl walking along the beach and picking up a shell; I remember saying/doing/asking the same things when I was young. :XD
She looked up again at her mother, she was puzzled “But mummy, how can something so big fit into something so little?”
“Magic,”
I love that bit. Very touching.
I don't mind the change from third person to first, I like how the 'memory' just cuts off, abruptly, because thats how memories work. You'll think about it one second and the next you've moved on to something else.
"but I knew where my home was and it certainly wasn’t here."
I like this, its really effective in the way you are explaining the new home and how the persona doesn't like it.
"The paint had been chipped at and needed to be repainted."
Awesome metaphor. I don't know if you meant it or if it was an accident, but this bit is brilliant. 'The paint had been chipped' refers to the girl herself, how she has been chipped emotionally, and needs to be 'repainted', she needs to be fixed.
"I could vaguely make out a crescent moon in the wall;"
The following passage describes how her mum said the moon would watch over her, and now she can't even make it out, like she's struggling to see her happiness.
The ending is also really effective. I think it'd work better for me if you left out the '-' before the bit in the italics. I like how mysterious the end is, how I'm not sure if she's dreaming or if she really did escape to the beach.
Most of this is really easy to follow, a few things I'd watch out for is the sentances that are a tad lengthy and once or twice you may have repeated the same word in a sentance. I think it was 'escape'. Other than that, this is a nice piece of writing.June 17th, 2009 at 09:26am
I love how you brought me back to the picture, and then took me to years later. It flowed well, and apart from that, all of it was very touching. I could easily picture her surroundings, and everything going on the entire time, too. I always like that. :cute:
Good job. :)