Adrienne - Comments

When I randomly clicked on your profile and saw you had about four new fics i hadn't read yet, I was all like that smiley running around cheering with my arms in the air. Okay, so not literally, but I honestly was very excited because you're my favourite Green day fic author.

I adore second person fics, and I can never find enough of them that are well written. This, though, was astounding. Second person has the potential to convey a huge amount of emotion because the reader is the narrator almost, and you did it really well.

When the fic opened, there was a mystery as to who was interacting with whom, and I originally thought it was Adrienne trying to get Billie to eat. But then the mention of the wedding band, a clever little hint, switched her for Mike and I pieced together what was going on.

What I really hate in stories is when everything is pieced together for the reader. The magic of this oneshot is that it's a stunning little piece of writing that is exactly the right length for what it is, and we still don't know what happened to Adrienne [though I assume she died], when, how dependent Billie is on Mike and how Mike feels about Billie, It coud be slash, it could be just really really strong freindship. Personally I'm inclined to feel the latter, because I just love Billie and Adie as a couple too much for Mike to come anywhere near a grieving Billie. But that's just me.

It was so touching, and the simple phrasing really emphasised the lack of happiness there, if that makes sense? Like, I loved the line, Because you can hear the sleeping wish from inside of him – not for death, but for non-existence. Nothingness. Escape. Those one word sentences are powerful and hard hitting.

Like Isa said, the ending was a little predictable but it still worked, because sometimes cliche is the best way. The whole thing didn't drag on and nothing much happened, but we still get this huge dose of emotion. It's like a snapshot of their lives, and I love that.

So, yes; well done, this really was excellent, and anything I could comment on regarding errors had already been pointed out by the people above. I plan to come back and read all your new things when I have time, because you characterise the boys so well. The only reason I can't bring myself to attempt Green Day fiction is because I love them so much, I'd do them a disservice by attempting to charcterise them because they each have such a strong personality. However, you do this really well, and it's obvious you care about Billie, Mike and Tre a great deal.

I should just say before I start that I'm not really a fan of 2nd person. Mainly because it could have been first or third person and (if your writing is good enough) still be able to make the reader feel what the character is feeling.

Shampoo doesn’t wash away betrayal and his mind hasn’t left the bathroom.
I love that phrase so much. Immediately my brain starts wondering what that betrayl may be and what's occupying Michael's mind.

You look at the petit man
I think you're missing an 'e' there.

You’re afraid of what you’ll find, of what you won’t find.
Again, simply lovely. I'm a sucker for this kind of writing style, where you suggest things and the reader understands. It's a much better method than simply shoving the information in the reader's face. Excellent work.

It throbs and aches, bitter and dull, from the inside out. It bruises you.
Yep, I love your descriptions.

You pull him close and he breathes into your heartbeat
That sounds strange to me. It gives me the mental image of either trying to save someone's life, or that his face is inside of her chest. I know what you're getting at, though.

all the fury and disorder lodge themselves in your throat.
Again, this sentence just sounds strange. I think maybe eliminating the 'themselves' would help.As for the ending, I would have liked to know why th No, I think I understand the story now. Never mind. The ending is nice, though. It would have been handy to give the readers a little explanation from either Adrienne or Michael of what was going on - maybe just a few words to suggest something. Other than that, though, the ending is nice.

There was awesome emotion in this piece, I should say. I could really feel what the characters were thinking, which is something that's nice in stories.

Kay. So this is how I did. I read it, then I stopped. Then I opened iTunes. 'Thinking of You' by Katy Perry was playing my head and it was so exact. I put it on. It's slightly a long shot, but it 'kind of' fits. Then I read it again. I actually made a point to stop the 'comment as I go' and 'quote comment, quote comment' type reviews, but I think it's the kind I'd use for this one. It feels right.

For some reason, I think second person is your best POV. It's the most natural for your tone, your voice, what wouldn't work in other POVs works when you word it in second person. It flows, the word choice is spot on, and your writing shines. I like your stuff better like this.

He’s staring at his plate like it’s his reflection in a toilet bowl. I like how it just dived in, it was a good description, but this one took my attention. 'Toilet bowl' was almost like a metaphor for looking at a mirror, only dirtier. Something lower. Maybe it's how he feels about himself, about the situation, but like a sad 'oh shit' thing. No, I hope that didn't make you laugh 'coz I'm completely serious.

if this were any other day, any ordinary pain. This is what I mean. I'm not so sure, but this simplicity and tone and style wouldn't have worked as well in first person, or third, but it's perfectly at home in second person--it's succint and maybe just what you need for the scene. No more, no less.

You rub his arm, watching helplessly as he buries his face in his hands, Great narration of actions, I could actually imagine it. It's a smooth kind of storytelling.

trying to hold on to him, trying to keep him from fading away. Same with 'ordinary pain, ordinary day.' It's like a subtle kind of wordplay. Using two words in these different ways--maybe it wasn't intentional but it really builds on the atmosphere of it, the desperate stumbling feel of it.

your whole being fills with something. It’s somewhere between affection and anger, toying with the boundary between love and disease. I do love the 'love and disease' part. I don't think any other word would have sounded as good. I like how you didn't name the emotion as anything in particular, but a blur of stuff that may not even be named.

petit Missing an 'e'.

You’re afraid of what you’ll find, of what you won’t find. There's that recurring pattern again, and it's a kind of flow of consciousness thing I love about many fics. I think I tried some myself too. I really like how you built off the first example ("ordinary"] and sprinkled it in other parts somehow. It just works, I keep saying it but that's just what it is.

It throbs and aches, bitter and dull, from the inside out. It bruises you. It's a sad kind of comparison--it's almost like he's numb to the pain and it's inside him, and the other can't even see it but she's the one hurting too.

He replies to your pleas as a different kind of beggar, looking for words instead of alms. You pull him close and he breathes into your heartbeat, ragged rhythms finding comfort in each other. Lovely little portion here. Sparse use of metaphors, but when you do it the impact just intensifies. I love the 'breathe into your heartbeat' part. Makes me wish I thought of it first.

You kiss his knuckles, one by one, feeling the cold metal of her wedding vows on your lips. You know, before this part, I thought it was in Adrienne's POV. My bad. But I just got that impression, and that's why I reread it. Because it rattled my perception of it and I had to read it again as Micheal's thoughts, not a woman's.

His lashes flutter against your jugular vein Oooh, so close! I think jugular vein ruined the flow, looking completely out of place. Something softer like 'pulse' or something would have worked better. It was very nearly perfection.

The ending is a little cliche, but I can't really see anything that would work better. Sometimes it just turns out that way--kinda like the message of the fic.

Anyweiz, well done. You conveyed the emotion while your writing was at its best, and it shone.

Oh lookie here, first comment. ~~

That was fucking lovely, Sruti. You're really great with the descriptions and I can see it perfectly in my head.

now I need to try and finish mine. :grr: Writer's Block be damned...