Amplitude - Comments

Ah, thank you. Story comments make Ash a very happy girl.

you are truly wonderful. as per your request, i am commenting storywise. (:

Aww, thanks so much.

Wow, this is amazing!
I love the whole comparison of different radio stations, I thought that was pretty neat.
I really liked this. :D

lobotomy.:

Wow. Your description of Billie's head was done perfectly.
And the thing with Mike was adorable and sexy at the same time.
I enjoyed it, it was awesome.

Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. =]

budgie:

First of all: Holy fucking shit the banner is awesome. :cheese:

Anyway, onto the story. The whole time I could feel Billie's anger and frustration. I could feel his pain. And it bloody hurt. :XD Whilst reading it I pretty much had a :cheese:face on.

The ending was nice too. It wasn't just slapped onto the ending, to just shove some slash in there. It fitted nicely.

The whole thing is just so raw. I don't think I've ever felt a physical pain whilst reading anything before. So well done. :cute:

Thanks so much! :cute:
I try to get feelings across a lot with my writing so when you say it has it means a lot.

Wow. Your description of Billie's head was done perfectly.
And the thing with Mike was adorable and sexy at the same time.
I enjoyed it, it was awesome.

First of all: Holy fucking shit the banner is awesome. :cheese:

Anyway, onto the story. The whole time I could feel Billie's anger and frustration. I could feel his pain. And it bloody hurt. :XD Whilst reading it I pretty much had a :cheese:face on.

The ending was nice too. It wasn't just slapped onto the ending, to just shove some slash in there. It fitted nicely.

The whole thing is just so raw. I don't think I've ever felt a physical pain whilst reading anything before. So well done. :cute:

^
Thanks you SO so much for that. I don't think I've had a more in depth review umm ever... :XD
Yeah, I've edited some of the typos and I think I'll go back and take into account some of the other stuff you said.
Sometimes I write a bit too fast and the words come out awkward.

I'm really glad you liked it though. I was so nervous about posting. :XD

Okay...soo. Here goes nothing. :cute:

It’s like my mind goes blank, filled with static and all I can do is watch myself do whatever my mind wants and I can’t stop until it’s over.

I love how this perfectly describes blind rage. It allows us, as the reader, to relate to the character (you) by creating a realistic feeling. It is something we've all felt, and can understand.

It’s slow, everything’s slowed down.

I felt this was a bit repetitive...perhaps switching one of the "slows" with a different adjective. I like the point it is attempting to get across, but it doesn't flow quite right to me.

I’m seeing it happen first, the force of the blow knocking his head back, the way the skin of his cheek stretches, the blood from his now busted open lip smearing across my knuckles.

I fucking love this line. The imagery and descriptions are spot on. I love how even though the rage is making the character, or in this case...I guess...you, blind..you still seem to capture those perfect details.

And finally, I hear.

God. That's so beautiful. It's simple, and perfect...and it just fits so well there. aslkjfsldkgj. I'm fangirling over here. Ignore me.

I hear his groan of pain and my growl of pure rage.

While I'm a huge fan of the previous line...this one isn't my favorite. I'm not sure what it is...but there's something awkward sounding about it. It doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the descriptions or in the paragraph, itself.

It’s all a blur. Sound and sight and touch and just a full sensory overload.

I adore this line. It's rushed, and perfect. The overflow and expanse of the second sentence fit perfectly with the theme of the first.

feel a weight lifted off of me, wondering for a second why he’s getting off of me before I feel two large hands lift me up and toss me over his shoulder.

I want to say two things about this line...first...the "off of" is just awkward phrasing. I do it too...but it sounds, and reads...wrong.

Secondly, the "toss me over his shoulder" is a bit confusing. I had to re-read the line a few times to realize the change in characters. You use the pronoun "he" to describe Mike, as well as Jason.

I don’t want to be picked up like a child, I want to fucking murder the bastard that just slept with my wife.

This is dead on. I like the emotion behind it, and I can honestly feel the anger and hate through this line.

Sometimes it’s just words that mean nothing and sometimes it’s forgotten truths that are dug up after being buried for years, decades. I’m learning a few things about my friend that I never knew.

I love the raw emotion...and the truth behind this. Most women, as well as men...will bring up things from years ago. I love how you included a bit of reality along with description. Well done.

The rage is still there, simmering ominously like the start of a volcano about to go off.

I absolutely adore the metaphor in this. I really do. It gives off more description without actually using the words. When I read that, I could visualize, as well as relate to the true emotion of the character. And the use of a big word is always win. :tehe:
Props.

"... but he’s just as rigid, pulling me inside and sitting me down on the bed in his spare room."

I like this, as it adds reality to the piece. The character Mike isn't willing to just let "you" run him over...and is firm even when the main character is clumsy, drunk, and angry.

. I feel like I’m getting back inside my own head again

You can't see it, but I'm fangirling again. This line...:cheese: Holylkasjfdlak. It's brilliant. It adds insight, emotion, and sheer blatant thought. It lets us into the character's head, and what he's feeling.

Mike does nothing, doesn’t even move, he just watches and I can’t begin to thank him enough.

I like the beginning of the sentence...it shows that the main character is still a bit incoherent and not himself...but the ending is a bit soon. "I can't even begin to thank him enough." The character is still pissed....they aren't going to be thinking clearly enough to want to thank anyone yet. They are still going to be out for blood.

I make another noise, this one different. It wasn’t an angry grumble but a choking sound.

I like this..it's realistic, and descriptive. It adds a bit of personality to the character as well.

. I’ll do plenty of things right now but one of those is not crying, damnit.

This sentence had me a little confused. For a second, it seemed as if the character was talking to Mike...but then it seemed as though they were his thoughts. I'd make this a little clearer.

" husband and I good"

That's a typo...I believe. Should it be "husband and a good"? That's what it seemed like to me. :shifty

. I just… I thought that I was at least decent at being a husband.”

:cheese: My god. The vulnerability displayed in this line absolutely floored me.
It's beautifully written, darling.

. I still hear the static, crackling white noise in my ears, I’m more in control of myself, most of the anger being swapped with misery.

I love the imagery in this. However...somehow, "swapped" doesn't seem quite the right word. Perhaps swamped? No...that's not quite it either. Just...it's being overtaken, and replaced with misery. The word swapped sounds awkward.

“…And you’re an amazing boyfriend,” he smiles a little after a moment, looking at me and brushes his lips against my knuckles. “And you’re a great husband. You’ve made it fifteen years together.”WHOANOWWWW.:cheese:
Did I seriously just read that?

That's such a great twist...sdlkajlfkhdsag. Holy...alkdjlasd.
I have no words. It's delicate, and beautiful...and just...:cheese:

It’s like different radios playing different stations in my head constantly and I can only pick out a few words from each.

I like how you carried this metaphor throughout the entire paragraph. It is beautifully done...honestly just simply stunning.

Another station is toying with the idea ofvengeance and wanting to drive a fucking sledgehammer through my friend, ex-friends head.

Lordy. I adore the personification of the radio station. It's like each one has a different frequency, and it ties to different aspects of the main character's personality.

And for once, I ignore the other stations, I lean forward and kiss him.

Brilliant. I don't even have the words for this one. It's such a contrast from the angst and anger of the rest of the piece. It provides balance, and softens the whole piece right at the end. I love it.

I can still hear them but it’s just an annoying buzz in the back of my head.

I like how this sort of relates back to the anger in the beginning...but because of something completely opposite of anger.

I’m drifting in and out of control of my body again.

This too, is a beautiful correlation between the harsh and the delicate tones of the piece.

Overall, for not having written in months and months...this is a beautiful work. I absolutely adored it, darling.

Of course it's good. Everything you do is good. I can practically feel the anger and frustration in this story because everything's so well written and detailed.

I'm so jealous of your writing style. My story seems so piddly compared to yours.

Paper Cranes.:

Billie Joe Armstrong:

Mind telling me what parts I dropped out of tense? I suck at catching my own mistakes.

It's more or less the wording that threw me off a little. I don't want to be too critical because I don't want to ruin the glory of an amazing piece, but it was just verb usage that seemed to fall out of tense a bit. Nothing big. Not many people will really catch it.

Oh it's okay, I can take criticism. I had point in it where I was at a loss for the word I was looking for and just settled for something that sounded alright.

R!oT_GrRrL:

wow...
*begins slow clap*
that was just...
it hit the spot in all the right ways :cute:

:tehe: Thanks, Kim.

wow...
*begins slow clap*
that was just...
it hit the spot in all the right ways :cute:

Billie Joe Armstrong:

Mind telling me what parts I dropped out of tense? I suck at catching my own mistakes.

It's more or less the wording that threw me off a little. I don't want to be too critical because I don't want to ruin the glory of an amazing piece, but it was just verb usage that seemed to fall out of tense a bit. Nothing big. Not many people will really catch it.

Paper Cranes.:

Wow. < I'm not even gonna lie to you, that was my first impression. The layout is stellar, with the white noise fizzing around as I continue on through the story, and the way the words are written makes it easier and easier for someone like me to read faster, too eager to eat it all up.

And holy hell. The way you've done it. I mean, there were a few lapses in tense (but honig, for posting for the first time in a year, that's amazing), but nothing to distract a reader from the pace of the story. I especially enjoyed how most of it is Billie's thoughts and reactions, with very little dialogue in between. That makes it easier to see his anger and frustration and the tension this would create.

I think my favorite bit, though, is the imagery. Your shortened phrases and use of simple yet meaningful words make it easier to imagine- Adrienne’s tiny hands clenching the bed sheets and Jason on top of her or the way the blood from his lip looked splattered across my fist.

That's just genius.

Amazing job, meine leibling.
:arms:

Thanks so much for reviewing! :arms:
I love long comments.

Mind telling me what parts I dropped out of tense? I suck at catching my own mistakes.

I'm really glad you like my descriptions though. I work the hardest on them.

Wow. < I'm not even gonna lie to you, that was my first impression. The layout is stellar, with the white noise fizzing around as I continue on through the story, and the way the words are written makes it easier and easier for someone like me to read faster, too eager to eat it all up.

And holy hell. The way you've done it. I mean, there were a few lapses in tense (but honig, for posting for the first time in a year, that's amazing), but nothing to distract a reader from the pace of the story. I especially enjoyed how most of it is Billie's thoughts and reactions, with very little dialogue in between. That makes it easier to see his anger and frustration and the tension this would create.

I think my favorite bit, though, is the imagery. Your shortened phrases and use of simple yet meaningful words make it easier to imagine- Adrienne’s tiny hands clenching the bed sheets and Jason on top of her or the way the blood from his lip looked splattered across my fist.

That's just genius.

Amazing job, meine leibling.
You are a stellar writer.
:arms:

:tehe: You're such a goob. But I do love big comments with smileys... :arms:

:crazy: It's up!!!

Ok, you already know what I think of it. I told you you might surprise yourself by using present tense. It worked so well with this. Because everything's a blur and he's kind of...it just gives the story a really interesting feel.

I also adore the ending, as you know. It's just so perfect and fitting with the radio theme and

Oh and .... your title is :yah and and !! What ever made you think of it?! ?!?!

:shifty, ok yeah I'll stop being a jackass. The fic's awesome. You should be really proud of yourself. =D

And also :arms: for the ded.