Affinity - Comments

I read through this twice and just wow. It's really amazing. The emotions come through really clearly and I love how real the main character is. I can feel her pain and her emotions and you did a really good job of explaining everything. Your style is so vivid and it painted such a clear picture in my head. You created realistic and defined characters in such a small expanse of words. I'm amazing. Awed.

I love how every word, it seems, is laced with emotion. It's so easy to picture all these scenes. Every sentence, every word, had me overcome with empathy. I don't know what else to say, other than I agree with pretty much whatever everyone else has said before me.

That was beautiful.
Dark, but beautiful.

wolfeyes.:

...I just adore it. Adore it. This just radiates good writing skills. I have not been so impressed with a piece of writing in a good few months. Affinity takes a completely different approach to friendship as opposed to what I've seen, and I really love that, in my opinion, defies a few common "rules" of friendships in fiction. I really enjoyed that you created a really, well, fucked up relationship...

i defy you stars.:

I really especially loved the italic areas, because they seemed to add a certain air of sophistication… not that your writing was not already sophisticated, on the contrary it is very beautiful how you write, but it’s just… well, there’s something attractive about that sort of description that you put in the italics. It’s sort of like… a very personal narration entwined with bits of action and god, it was beautiful. And as you went on, the italic bits got increasingly opinionated. It had a really amazing flair, I loved it.

I whole-heartedly agree with both of them, as well as a few more.
I quoted them because I just don't know how else to explain myself.
Great job, love.
=]

The was really pretty. I feel it added to the story instead of taking away from it.

In a way, I can truly relate to the main character. You're brilliant at descriptions; I'm drawn in and left breathless with each paragraph.

Did you cry like I did? Oh God, please tell me you cried, please tell me you felt a unspeakable aching in your bones because I did and it kills me to think this doesn’t hurt you like it hurts me... I don't know how to explain how amazing this paragraph made me feel. It was like I was watching this like it was happening right in front of me.

It was beautifully written.

Oh, wow.. So my comment isn't going to nearly as long as everyone else... But.. Oh well.
That was absolutely beautiful. You're way of describing things is absolutely divine. I love how you gave us enough detail so we wouldn't be clue less, but still gave us room to use our imaginations.
That was amazing, good job. :]

I really love the beginning. Like, I know that whenever friends (or anyone really) says I'm attractive I always think they're full of shit or drunk. I think what I like most of this one-shot is how easy it is to sort of relate to, because everyone is always getting broken hearted.

You've got wonderfully beautiful descriptions, something a story has to have for me to really love. That and a good plot that really works, so obviously, I love this. You're very talented.

Through out this I could really picture everything that was happening, despite you not describing the characters looks or anything. But everything else makes it work, really well.

Where’s his dad, she asks.

Gone.
Gone.
Gone, I say.

He’s the man of the house, I say.

This really makes me wonder where or what has happened to his dad, which you answer in the following paragraph with your amazing description. Also, I love how you've used dialogue, but have't used any punctuation and it works so well, it makes everything so simplistic. It's something I'm sure normally wouldn't work, but it really does here. At first I was a little skeptical, but yeah, just wow.

Yes, you are still very much a little boy, such a frightened little boy.

I think that's my favourite line. It's true for a lot of guys, I think. It's definitely true for Landon.

Everyone is just another carbon copy, cardboard cutout.

I don’t think cutout should be one word.

Nothing is infinite, he says, except for pain.

Another one of my favourite lines.

The ending was amazing, like how it starts and finishes the same way. Also the paragraph about Landon telling you(?) if he died like you did, was brillant. I'm pretty sure it's like how everyone feels after a break up, or when someone has broken their heart.

This was brilliant. Well done. :arms:

I read a piece of this somewhere in the forums, and was quite impressed with it. I actually went looking for the link a few days later so I could finish it, and my GOD it was worth it.

I just adore it. Adore it. This just radiates good writing skills. I have not been so impressed with a piece of writing in a good few months. Affinity takes a completely different approach to friendship as opposed to what I've seen, and I really love that, in my opinion, defies a few common "rules" of friendships in fiction. I really enjoyed that you created a really, well, fucked up relationship. Though I didn't find it clear whether or not it was strictly friendship, or if it was romantic.

When a friend calls you attractive, they’re usually lying.

I know this because Landon is usually full of shit.

When a friend calls you beautiful, they’re usually drunk.

The first three lines are absolutely perfect for the style in which you wrote this. I love that you tied up the story at the end with three similar lines. The repetition throughout the story really contributes to how this character feels about "Landon." I got the impression that the girl was getting sick of him, but no matter how redundant she felt his behavior was, she couldn't get bored of him.

Even though I’ll sit at your side as you wrap yourself around the toilet seat, shivering cold in a public bathroom, it doesn’t mean I’ll feel sorry for you or show you any sympathy. And it doesn’t mean I’ll hold your hand afterwards. If anything, it means that you are a pathetic excuse for a friend, and oh God, I really don’t know what to do with you.

This particular paragraph stood out to me because it's so brutally honest and harsh. It's one of those completely truthful statements that people tend to ignore when they know that's the nature of their relationship with someone.

Landon is, in all honesty, the most pretentious self-righteous narcissistic beautiful person I have ever met. And everything he says is laced with some kind of poetic irony every writer wishes they could replicate. So, when I look at him, hunched over himself with his head in his hands and his heavy breathing, I am not sure a smile is deemed appropriate, but I can’t help myself.

This entire paragraph just screams that "Landon" is very self loathing and feels far too sorry for himself. That's not a bad thing; his cliche behavior is the key to the twisted relationship they have, and I think without these characteristics, there would be no point to the story. It wouldn't make sense. He also comes off as a bit of a martyr, especially in this line: You told me not to cry for you because you just don’t want to die without a few scars.

Also, Although I do like the lack of quotation marks in the dialogue, I don't understand this part:

Gone.
Gone.
Gone, I say.

Is she saying the first two "gones" in her head, or is she repeating the word three times?

But, God—this has to be a first because I swear I’ve never felt such affinity with another human being. And I start to question whether this experience can be considered earthly because everything looks like a foreign film, seems like another dimension. And when his skin touches mine, I pray that this is not a dream, Oh God, let this be my waking moment, because I hate the way anything else makes me feel.

This was my favorite paragraph. The touch of foreign feeling was excellently done, with wording and how it is explained. The bolded parts are just beautiful. because I hate the way anything else makes me feel. Urggh! I loved it. LOVED IT. I have no other words for this paragraph. It's perfect.

Nothing is infinite, he says, except for pain.

Get used to it, he says and looks at me with such intent, with intent to stir, with intent to leave. Without suffering, he says, you would be nothing.

This part is very haunting. It completely encapsulates how he feels, how was shaped to be that way: a hunched skeleton. And his words are very true. That's one redeeming quality of his. He's very honest, despite what the main character thinks of him.

Nearing the end of the story, I love how you've sort of incorporated some redundancy in the way you wrote it, with lines like Landon is, in all honesty,... and When a friend... and I know this because Landon... It's brilliant, really. It really is.

Did you cry like I did? Oh God, please tell me you cried, please tell me you felt a unspeakable aching in your bones because I did and it kills me to think this doesn’t hurt you like it hurts me. Tell me you hurt, scream it to me because this silence is deafening. Tell me you are as angry as I am. Tell me you are furious with God because I couldn’t stand to know that I am alone. Did you ache like I ached? Jesus, please, just tell me you died like I died.

:cheese:

Just beautiful. The bolded piece the centerpiece of this story.

I applaud you.

Story/Review
I really wanted to claim this story yesterday, but I wanted to post something new, but then I didn’t post my new story because it was hard to finish, and then I noticed you got a really weak review so I was like, right, that’s it, I’m doing it.

I’m actually in love with the name of this story, and the banner, it’s just :weird

The first thing that drew me in was the mystery of the first line When a friend calls you attractive, they’re usually lying. It’s sort of confusing and I just want to read on :tehe: And then the second line, I dunno, it’s sort of like, we already see the true colours of Landon. I like that, we have no expectations for his character.

When a friend calls you beautiful, they’re usually drunk. this just seems sort of familiar, because everyone has an experience like this. Y’know, when people say things to them and they’re drunk and you’re not sure if its true. I could identify with this

I really especially loved the italic areas, because they seemed to add a certain air of sophistication… not that your writing was not already sophisticated, on the contrary it is very beautiful how you write, but it’s just… well, there’s something attractive about that sort of description that you put in the italics. It’s sort of like… a very personal narration entwined with bits of action and god, it was beautiful. And as you went on, the italic bits got increasingly opinionated. It had a really amazing flair, I loved it.

Landon is, in all honesty, the most pretentious self-righteous narcissistic beautiful person I have ever met. Very often, when introducing a male character, authors make the male lead very very attractive and nice and perfect, but you didn’t. I already thought he was a bit of a sod from the very beginning, and then as it went along, I thought he was a bit misunderstood. I especially liked this line: And everything he says is laced with some kind of poetic irony every writer wishes they could replicate. So, when I look at him, hunched over himself with his head in his hands and his heavy breathing, I am not sure a smile is deemed appropriate, but I can’t help myself. It was sort of… familiar too. Some times we look at people in a bad way and feel happy that it’s not us, or that maybe they deserved it? I liked it.

I love how the story was really… unconventional. There were places where you did things you wouldn’t normally see and it was so original. Especially the whole no speech marks thing, it was like… I dunno. The whole thing seemed to push boundaries. And I love that it was an original fiction – that is by far my favourite genre, and there is too little of it, although I feel sad that you (maybe) had to go through something like this…

And in a horribly sadistic way, I do. I love the narrative voice in this, it’s so gorgeous. Like… her words fit together in such a nice way.

I also love all the added bits of detail we find out about the boy, about his father, and it’s really heart breaking as well especially when you show the narrators feelings. Gah You’re fast becoming one of my favourite authors on here :arms:

But, God—this has to be a first because I swear I’ve never felt such affinity with another human being. And I start to question whether this experience can be considered earthly because everything looks like a foreign film, seems like another dimension. And when his skin touches mine, I pray that this is not a dream, Oh God, let this be my waking moment, because I hate the way anything else makes me feel.

Nothing is infinite, he says, except for pain. I really love how you mix action and then all these philosophical points, it’s really stunning, I’m running out of things to say! I honestly can’t fault this at all! And the part about Samson I love it, you write, and it’s like a story in a story, or something :tehe: it’s really amazing.

I like you, he says. You’re a real classy girl.

And in a terrifyingly masochistic way, I find this flattering. I love this, especially the ‘classy girl’ part. It’s sort of… I dunno, I read it and immediately see ‘You’re a really classy bird.’ It just seems really… British to me :XD It’s very similar to British culture atm, and I can’t remember if you come from Britain or not, but if you don’t because I dunno. Ignore me. :lmfao

Did you cry like I did? Oh God, please tell me you cried, please tell me you felt a unspeakable aching in your bones because I did and it kills me to think this doesn’t hurt you like it hurts me. Tell me you hurt, scream it to me because this silence is deafening. Tell me you are as angry as I am. Tell me you are furious with God because I couldn’t stand to know that I am alone. Did you ache like I ached? Jesus, please, just tell me you died like I died.

This part is just, so beautiful, the imagery and the metaphors make me melt. This is definitely my favourite story I’ve reviewed this week – and I’ve reviewed quite a few… tbh, it could be one of my favourites ever. You use words so brilliantly

When a friend calls you his, they’re usually full of lies.

I know this because Landon taught me.

When a friend call you his, they’re usually full of shit. I love how it’s sort of cyclical, ending on three similar lines to the first three lines of the story. And it’s a really awesome ending too, it fits, and it’s as if… we feel the same about the characters, even though we’ve learnt more about them, they haven’t succeeded our expectations. It’s nice.

And I ought to stop writing now, because I’m like :cheese:
Srsly, cannot handle how good this story is, keep writing, exactly. Like. This.
Well done! :arms:

This is just..woah.
You brought so much feeling into one short story. I enjoyed it very much.
It seemed so real, like I was right there, seeing this all.
I am sort of speechless.
You don't know how beautiful this is.
Unless you read all of these reviews.
Amazing work, love.

To start off, I am a huge fan of this style of writing. The way that you put the words and descriptions really brought the situation to life for me.

I also must say that the tone of the story never wavered, which made the story very easy to follow. The characters seemed to be thought out and the dialogue between the two seemed realistic. It was quite easy for me to imagine them talking to one another, and the character's thoughts left an impression.

"Oh God, please tell me you cried, please tell me you felt a unspeakable aching in your bones because I did and it kills me to think this doesn’t hurt you like it hurts me." That line caught my attention. I felt that it helped wrap the story up, but then you also revisited how you started the story. Grammatically, I found that there was very little to critque on, which is always a good thing.

I must say that this is one of the better oneshots I've ever read on this sight. It really took me by suprise at how well it flowed and how vivid it was. You did a wonderful job.

I love the way that you worded everything in this. It had this great sense of irony that made everything seem so realistic. The main character was very well developed and had a great voice. Landon was also very well developed. I have this great picture in my head of what he would be like.

Also, Nothing is infinite, he says, except for pain. had a big impact on me. It shocked me, but it was great how you fit that theme into the story. It was really interesting.

I loved how you mentioned everything comes full circle in the end and it ended very similar to the way it began. That was very clever. The entire story came together with grace. It was very, very beautifully written.

First, I would like to say that I'm very much appreciated that I got to review this story first :cute: and the banner is beautiful. I like that it adds a lot to the story in a way.

I'm going to be reviewing this as I read, so if I ask questions and they get answered later, then please, don't mind me at all.

The beginning was a good way to hook the readers in and I was captivated to know more about the narrator and this Landon figure.

"Landon is, in all honesty, the most pretentious self-righteous narcissistic beautiful person I have ever met."- that's kind of funny and sad at the same time, and in the quotation marks, if that was him, which I'm guessing it was talking, saying mean things, then wow. That's very hurtful and I personally don't think females should be talked that way. But their friends and I sometimes say mean things to my close friends, and I don't think about what I'm really saying, when in fact I'm hurting their feelings.

Okay, I take all that back (well some of it). It's Landon that's on the toilet, right?

"So, when I look at him, hunched over himself with his head in his hands and his heavy breathing, I am not sure a smile is deemed appropriate, but I can’t help myself."- it's her thoughts, not Landon's okay, sorry for the confusion. I had to correct myself about that. But I like how mean her thoughts are, it's like she's been holding them in for so long, and seeing him in that state makes her happy. I think the apporiate theme for this story would probably be 'karma' and female 'empowerment' :cheese:

Your words are so powerful and I feel for them. I just got to the part where Landon's, if I'm going about this correct, his dad left. so, their in a relationship I'm taking it, and he beats her to get his frustration out. I liked how at the end she says Yes, you are still very much a little boy, such a frightened little boy. As it shows that she knows he's not a man, and doing what he's doing doesn't make him one either. Literally my eyes are glued to this story. Everything about this is powerful and I love it. So much emotion is poured into it and I feel that. I can't help, but feel sympathetic for the girl character.

The way you have her thoughts broken up like that is a good way of telling readers that she is broken as well and is scared because of what this person did to her. And as she lives on, she would always be broken and nothing would never fix her. If she was to ever be fixed, I don't think it would come from a person, but something else. Landon is, in all honesty, nothing special. He’s a mess of double helix and chemical reactions, just like every other person I have ever met. beautiful, my dear.

The ending was :cheese: but I kind of knew it like she said 'everything's like a full circle' and that's pretty much what the relationship was. A repeating process of pain and I feel so so so sorry for this girl.

I thought this was a beautiful one-shot. Your words touched me in every way and it's very heart-breaking. I felt that you switch tense in some par past to present, but other than that, I believe this was amazing :arms: