Awkward - Comments

Why haven't you updated?
Are you even alive?
I'm getting a little worried over here...

I always heard about this story and your writing and....wow, it's horrible. Gosh. You've been writing this for how long? Years? And it's still like this? Wow. I'm just...Wow.

...Uhm...Hello?

HAHAHA!
I literally laughed out loud.

“Yeth mistwess,” was Tré’s raspy growl. He snatched the bowl from her with a claw-like hand, and slumped his way to the sink; dragging one foot behind him as the other pulled him along in a ragged limp

Super happy that you updated!
It's been ages...

Yay for updates.
I liked this chapter and I thought it was awesome that you brought Sibley into it.

However it didn't seem to flow as easily as the rest of the chapters. I felt kinda awkward reading it tbh and it seemed kinda forced on your behalf.

I should probably give some examples as to what I didn't like but I'm honestly too tired right now, perhaps I'll type a longer comment some other time.

Hahaha that was funny seeing Sibley all over Benny. And all the Evan references... He is such a easily identifiable person :)

More Benny/Tre time?

Oh! I figured out who Benny reminds me of: Lisbeth Salander (Millenium novels), albeit a happier and brighter Lisbeth :)

Hey guys, great story. I'm not the type to write long descriptions about what I liked so I'll stick to the fact that I liked it. Great flow. Jinxeh, you always surprise me with managing to make me feel as if your überlong chapters are actually too short.

Benny seems like a chick I'd like to befriend. However the r in BernaRdette bugs me for some reason. I think I would've liked her name better if it was just Bernadette. It sounds better to me.

I can tell you one thing I particularly like about this story though. It makes me laugh. It's like even when they're angsty and miserable you just can't help laughing at them (mostly I laugh with them though, I'm no meanie, mhhm).

I also like how you described Billie and Mike, whereas Billie is the energetic little child, Mike's more reserved and mature. I also like that your characters seem REAL. Most people seem to have trouble with developing realistic characters but it seems to come easy for you. Good job, mhhm. One thing I reaallly really like is also how even though Tré is almost twenty years older than Benny, it doesn't really seem like it. You don't get like "omg pedo" vibes, which is good. (I know I said I wasn't gonna describe what I liked but I couldn't help myself, so there!)

So onto what I was supposed to review. (oops)

The visuals given within chapter ten, were darling. I am going to have to say form me they did lack a certain fluidity, they seemed a bit too edited and a tad bit forced. The didn't quite 'roll' with the sentence before them. This is going to be expected as that chapter was -- grammar and spelling speaking -- perfection at its' best.

I like how well your story travels within one chapter, and how this one did not jump around as much as number two. This was very crisp, clean, and easy to understand. I knew who everyone was, I knew where they were and I understood the setting. These qualities are very helpful.

Even though I did just compliment how well everything was explained, I feel like a few things were over stated, such as Benny looking younger than she is.

In short because the story is so well done, and I love the characters you've based off people, I really wanted there to be this flow to everything. For every sentence to blend, like you were to say it out load without a rehearsal. Of course you are going to lose that almost pedestrian fact, it's clear you put in a heap of effort to the story and putting comma's where they go.

You have an amazing talent for explaining the actions the people within your novel are taking part in.
I loved it.

It would be easy to say how well written the unfolding novel is. The characters are unique and original. Though they all seem to share a fetish for the word fuck. The chapters are long and so I unfortunately only read to the third one, I'll go back and read more later.

Back to the people. I love how everyone is so diverse, how Tre is so obsessed with Lucille's hair (or I think it's Lucille). That would be my next point.

Throughout the first chapter I do not believe you use the red haired girls name once, and it left me so confused. The only person you seem to truly know, is Tre. Now, this leaves an interesting effect on the reader, until you begin to be enticed with the next chapter.

In the second chapter, though the beginning is hilarious, you are stuck with an information over load, the reader(s) -- or at least myself -- is(are) horribly confused, because all of a sudden their were so many characters that you didn't know. It was hard to keep track of and I had to read it several times over to make sense of it.

As far as the references to Green Day and the highly comedic motion picture The Blue’s Brothers give the story some point of familiarity to readers who know what they are -- considering how old The Blue’s Brothers is, it was directed based on a true story in 1980, I do realize it was recently rereleased by the original producers, Warner Brothers. Also, don’t you need permission to incorporate copyrighted labels within a movie or a story?

Generally, I found the characters interesting, the chemistry between them amusing and the descriptions were one hundred percent fantastic. Lovely.

Story/Review Game:

Chapter 10:
I haven't read the other chapters, but it's not that hard to follow along. That's a feat not many writer's can pull off, so gratz. Oh, and can I mention how long this chapter is? It's amazing.

Some suggestions about...
As she sat at the counter a few mornings after, Tré fluidly moving around the kitchen, it had become clear that she was alone; stuck in some thickly tense air that only seemed to hover around her own head and settled into her lungs, suffocating and heavy.
Remove the "ed" to that word. Not sure about the ending part, "suffocating and heavy" because the sentence is just so long. It's not bad, but it seems a bit much; at least, to me.

She was over-thinking this, she just knew she was, but that didn’t help to put her at ease.
Is this necessary? It seems as if you're trying to stress this point out more than it already has been.

This sentence fits the story's title perfectly;
She repeated it every time she thought of that moment, her face just inches from his and the air around them static and different in a way she couldn’t quite pinpoint.

On the tour, while she was okay with most of the band she didn’t think she could really call them close friends.
Comma after "band."

Damn, she thought, with eyes wide, Is Tré my best friend?
Maybe you can switch the order of the words?

He didn’t know what this was but was sure that whatever move he made would be wrong.
Comma before "but."

This made me laugh. It was just a "yay" moment.
If his former marriages had only taught him one thing, this was it: when a girl started talking badly about herself, it wouldn’t end well for him.

Maybe re-phrase this?
But Benny wasn’t, he didn’t think, the type of girl to make such comments just for the attention.
Ex: "But he didn't think Benny was the type..." <---Opinionated.

So something was genuinely wrong, but what it was he didn’t know.
Maybe add "as to" between those two words?

He certainly hadn’t forbid her from leaving and he doubted very much that he could even if he had wanted to.
I think it should be "forbidden," but I'm not too sure.

I love this;
In her wake, Tré leaned into the fridge, swapping his Gatorade for a Weiser, and wondering what the hell had just happened.

You're missing an "and" after the word 'garage.'
She was sitting at the end of his driveway, hot asphalt burning her exposed thigh; her car in his garage, her keys in his house.

Your descriptions are amazing.
She wanted that, that beautiful discomfort.
That summed up her love for the stage so beautifully.

Comma before "either."
He didn’t look angry or upset, but there was no trace of humor either.

Woah, back it up. You forgot to say when he got off the phone!!!
Somewhere in here it got lost;
“Tré, wait.” She couldn’t help but roll her eyes. He ignored her still, walking further into the house and making a left into the living room. As he turned, she noticed the phone pressed to his ear.

“Oh.”

So she waited patiently, moving to the kitchen and opening a pack of Ho-Hos. Humphrey followed, standing on his hind legs, paws patting at her hip as he tried to reach the treat.

“Don’t give him that. Chocolate’ll kill him.”

I like the chemistry between the characters and how she nearly cringed at the idea of hanging out with one of Tre's friends. Your characters [and non-fictional characters] are very realistic and believable.

Around her was a head was a hair thing.
...missing something here?

She was wearing earrings too; brassy colored, long and dangling.
Comma before "too."

Not exactly necessary, but you could change the tense of these words to end in "ing."
Brighter than usual and a tad bit shiny, the subtle color somehow emphasized her freckles and brightened her eyes.

What if, instead of a comma, it was a semi-colon after the word "either?"
The shirt, in itself, wasn’t so bad either, a short-sleeve black button-down.

I don't believe that it has to have the "ed" at the end.
Where he had found a purple corduroy blazer was beyond her and why he thought the green polka-dotted tie would be a good addition was even more baffling.

Bad club rules, but I think you can remove this word without any real problem.
There was no guy at the door checking IDs, she noticed, Tré had just pulled the open door and they walked in.

They were both cloaked in black, his arms bared and colorful tattoos exposed upon his.
We already know you're talking about him, so the last two words make it kind of redundant.

Comma needed after the word "backwards."
Next to them, sitting on a dingy metal chair turned backwards was Billie.

It her made paranoid to look away from her lap, because she knew she would catch the back-end of each glance, see their eyes quickly darting away from her, and to Tré.
You misplaced some of those words.

I think you meant "never" here;
She never really knew much about what went on in the lives of the men from Green Day, much as she didn’t about any other band—she wasn’t the nosey type, and things like that ever really seemed to matter.

I love the random comedy moments you have. They fit, instead of feeling like they were forced in.

Her hair was absolutely wonderful, Benny thought; all knotted up, and not completely dreaded through but rather left loose, the dreaded bits threading through rather unruly strands in a way that was both wild and very complimentary.
Remove that word, please.

The way you described Billie Joe with his wife was real cue. And Benny's reaction to them, as if she were intruding, was very proper. The realistic-ness of this story makes me wish they weren't in a story, haha. I could copy and paste the examples, but there are too many of them.

“Never,” Billie Joe countered, though it was a garbled sort of response, mumbled into the rim of his half-empty mug.
I believe you meant "agreed" since he's not the one in question.

Comma after the name "Tre."
Tonight, it seemed to Tré that the driveway was far longer than he normally knew it to be; that his usual parking spot, when his garage was not to be used, was a mile from the front door of his home.

Maybe insert the word "while" between these words;
He nodded, mumbling his appreciation of her words, fumbling with the keys as Humphrey truly went crazy just a few feet in front of him.

She was hungry, he could tell.
I actually thought you meant that when I read it. It confused me for a second when I kept reading, but an "oh" happened when I realized what kind of hunger you were talking about, haha.

He doubted she would at all regret it later, when she chose to reflect upon it with a little sobriety, but he wasn’t one to take advantage.
Awkward phrasing of this sentence. Maybe something like, "...would regret it at all later..."
?

Ok, explain please.
Like there was some other unseen force in the door directing him to lift her up so he could slide between her and the backing of the couch, his arms following her pull until they were wrapped around her and her face was buried in his chest.
Why was it "door?" I'm so confused...

Wooh!
Long chapter competed!!!
Alright, so I truly did like it. It's cute, and true to it's name, the characters in it are "Awkward."
Major gratz to you and Jinxeh =]

This is a really awesome story. It's very long, which is good, I tend not to see that on mibba. Also, I love the pic on the summary page (is it a banner?). Keep it up(:

Well, about damn time!
I'm in loveeee with this!!
<3 super excited that you updated! (:

I absolutely loved chapter 10. I'm excited to see how Tre and Benny will pan out.

It's been three months!!!
Please update! :)

I love your story. (:

Please update.
I know my comments are lousy, but I promise I'll give better feedback from now on!
I'd beg on my hands and knees if you could see me, but since you can't, there's really no need haha

Story Review Game.

Any errors I see will be posted first and then I'll let you know my initial opinion.

Even her own bandmates had band mates.

She was skinny, not thin, somewhat rail-like, not curvy. , and not curvy.

than a colorful bunch of limbs zigzagging around her bandmates band mates.

It didn’t stop him from kissing her again and again, breaking through their again and again;

“Pottymouth!” potty mouth.

They had a fanbase, small but loyal, and scraped along at the bottom of their label’s fan base.

Alright, that's it for errors.

--

I feel like I've read this story before and just have never commented... hrm.
Well, it's really different, for me, to read a Green Day fiction. I've actually never found one on here although I'm sure they're probably popular.
Though, I don't read much fanfiction anyway.

Firstly, I adore the title. There's just something about the word Awkward, that interests me and made me immediately want to read the title. I also like that you've made it a tour, with your own original band instead of someone very...unoriginal. Like some lucky girl working in a coffee shop.

Also, the fact that you made their age gap so...large made this even better. You're a very detailed writer, which I love. I've found very few authors on here who can write descriptions as well as you can and it's very refreshing, so on that note I applaud you.

I did want to ask you if that photo was something you found on the internet or someone drew it for you? Obviously the text was added in via computer, but the photo is a very pretty drawing. I'm also curious, if you know the artist, what medium they used to do it.

Back to the story. Um, I thought the love scene between them was very sweet. Disturbing in a numerous amount of ways, but very cute. :]

All in all, I quite enjoyed this and I believe I'm going to subscribe.

I love the banner, especially the texture of the background of the colour of the woman's hair. I thought this before reading the first chapter and realising that her hair seemed to be so important to Tré. I absolutely adored the description of it, especially in contrast to the description of her and how she seemed so plain in comparison. I sort of drew a parallel to it being her on-stage and off-stage self and also the difference between her and Tré (possibly I'm far out here) and how he's more famous than her, seems more confident and vibrant to her. I don't know whether I'm reading ahead or just reading wrong but I like that idea, that she'll sort of appear dull next to Tré when/if they become a couple.

The relationship between them is adorable, and I very, very rarely read het because I find girl characters...tiring usually. But I love this character you've created (I also find it fascinating that - in the first chapter - I still haven't learnt her name, something I honestly only noticed once I started to review it). She's not flirty or soppy or useless. And I enjoyed the childish kids-in-primary-school vibe I got from the characters. Sometimes in stories like this it starts out all intense and life or death. Your humour is wonderful in that respect “Your hair…well, it’s kind of a whore,” he broke it to her one morning, over a breakfast of pancakes at some diner in Indiana. “I think it sees other men on the side.”

Really, really loved your dialogue (it's something I always look for in stories - good dialogue). You didn't have too much of it in there for a first chapter. It broke up the narration and each time delved a little deeper into their relationship.

The ending, I really liked, which actually totally surprised me.

“I have to ask. You don’t have, like…daddy issues, do you?”

“W-what?” She was breathless, and surprised. “No,” she managed to gasp quietly. “My dad’s pretty...pretty awesome. But can we not talk about him w-when we’re doing this?”

“Fair enough.” That was all he needed to hear.

I liked how he asked that, and I also liked how then didn't ask anything more.

Tre's thought processes were just perfect. (I've only read one or two Green Day related stories though, so I don’t have much to judge by) They were humorous, but so real and not just totally ridiculous.

His pants were unzipped, and he was being a fool and helping her pull them down I really liked the 'being a fool' part. You really get across his two states of mind (or rather, body and mind) across. :)

Some things I haven't mentioned yet:

“Pedophile!” she would yell after him, earning the pair of them more than a few worried glances from anyone who heard the word, and didn’t know any better.

It was all very romantic. I loved this part. From that line the story began to properly unfold and, I'm not sure how to explain myself, but nothing felt tense or stressful or dramatic. The whole thing has this relaxed, new-relationship atmosphere. Which is great, because lots of romances are too melancholy and serious, and although I like stories like that sometimes, this is refreshing, because aren't relationships supposed to be a good-feel thing?

In saying that, you also had lines that showed the sort of teenage awkwardness you would think both of them should be over. I particularly liked Standing in a backstage wing, her side of the stage easily visible, he watched her band play almost every night just so he could watch her Something so refreshing about it, and like I said, something you'd think he'd have grown out of, watching girls he has a crush on, but he hasn't.

Couldn't find any spelling/grammar mistakes. I can't think of anything that I think you should change as far as the writing is concerned either. It was fairly simply written and I love that (in most stories usually). When you did use metaphors/comparisons, it fitted with the tone of the chapter and was never overdone. :)

When can we expect an update? :)
I love this fanfic!

Haha! Hamburger bun! Ah..I love this!!