Awkward - Comments

Such a wonderful story. I love every line of it.

Billie Joe's as adorable as ever.

These updates are always awesome (I don't think I've ever seen any quite so long- and I mean that in a good way)! You wrote Benny's return so that it was believable and not all like, "Oh! I just happened to randomly come back to you Tre because I LOVE YOUUU!"
Instead, you gave her good reason and didn't make it random/coincidental/stupidly reasoned.
Sorry if that made no sense, haha.

I like how Benny was described in chapter four. She was so like a rebelling teenager yet still adultlike. Tre's reaction when he found out that everyone knows about him and Benny was funny. I also like the ending, it was sweet yet not super cliche.

I love this story. I think I might have commented what I'm about to say before, but I can't remember. It's so well written, I love the characters. Update! :D

I love Tre's reaction when he discovers that everyone knows about him and Benny. And I like the way you discribed Max and his groupie. Good job!

My bad. I'm apparently not allowed to edit the comment, so I apologize for leaving you a worthless one above.

Okay here's your review.

Story Review Game

Firstly, I love the story layout. The picture is very interesting. It's readable, and I love the colors.

I do like the summary. It's interesting, creates something intriguing for the author to read. Personally, just because you're able to make a pretty layout that makes me want to read this. That may seem shallow but for some reason a lot of the decent authors on here are the only ones capable of pretty layouts.

The only suggestion I have so far is to stay away from " but..." I don't know why exactly but whenever I do it my creative writing teacher bitches at me. So I'm passing that knowledge on to you, or whichever one of you wrote the summary.

On to chapter one.

I really like your chapter descriptions, just as a side note.

The first line is an excellent attention getter. I don't have much else to say but that.

It was all very romantic.

That's sort of funny and cute in an odd sort of way. The fact that she acknowledges that what they're doing is sort of...off, and yet she continues to do it or allow him to do it or whatever.

I'm sort of confused if she likes him or not. I guess the only way to figure it out is to read on obviously...but I do like this.

She was still attractive in her own right, at least to him. He always did have odd tastes, he mused to himself. She was skinny, not thin, somewhat rail-like, not curvy. It didn’t matter onstage; she was never still long enough for anyone to see her as anything other than a colorful bunch of limbs zigzagging around her bandmates. When the lights didn’t lend her skin some color, she was a little on the pale side. Brown eyes had darkened circles underneath, the skin seemingly housing permanent and slight bruising. She didn’t really sleep much, he knew.

I love that paragraph. The way you describe her is unique, which bothers me because I could never make something that unique in describing someone. Fail. I like the way that it's not "her hair was brown and wavy. her eyes were brown and sparkling." High five to you.

Most of what happened after that point was to be reflected upon later as only scattered glimpses of clothing being shed and a door slamming shut behind her, muffled laughs and giggles falling against fabric being pulled over heads and mouths, and his back hitting a wall.

I think I like this paragraph even more.

The last line was beautiful. lmfao.

Anywho, I found no grammar issues. Which is excellent.

I actually enjoyed this to the point that I'm going to subscribe. I actually don't like fanfictions at all but this is very well done, very unique. I'm sorry if this review wasn't what you were looking for, I'm not too great at them actually.

But, very well done. Ten stars and two thumbs up.

-insert review here-

i'll get this done in a bit i have to take my dog to the dog park. >.<

It seems you two have done it again. This story is just so... wow. The pure imagery and articulation is enough to give just about anyone goosebumps.

I can't wait to see where this goes.

great chapter hope you can write some more soon.

Nice update! I want Tre's address, Lol!. And I have to agree, this is one of the best Tre Cool stories.

^ Sorry about that "q" up there. My keyboard stopped working for a minute and I was testing it. I didn't mean to send that.

For the story review game.

Firstly, I adored this first chapter. It really made you want to read more (and I will) of the story and gave just enough information without giving away too much.

The first paragraph was the best "grabbing" paragraph I've ever read. Mostly because at first I had no idea what was going on and I was very subtly forced to continue reading.

“Pedophile!” she would yell after him, earning the pair of them more than a few worried glances from anyone who heard the word, and didn’t know any better.

It was all very romantic.

I love how these two lines contradict each other. It makes the last sound almost sarcastic, but yet serious. First she's yelling at him, calling him a "Pedophile" and then you call it "romantic". And it brings us into the next chapter:

He stole kisses whenever he could. It infuriated her, which was probably why he did it. When she stepped off the stage, he was lurking like her overgrown shadow in the darker corners of the backstage area. Before her eyes could even adjust again to the sudden lack of colored light that the stage held...

That hit me really suddenly. The whole "kisses" thing, because I though the romantic comment was sarcastic, and I didn't expect the word "kiss" to show up in this chapter at all. I actually, physically, flinched, and was like "Oh - it really is romantic."

The "lurking like her overgrown shadow" was a great simile. I could imagine a creepy dark figure follow her every movements. It also gave into how she felt about the kissing, how she didn't like it or want it to happen.

He blamed it all on her hair. It was too enticing, he said! He claimed it drew him to her like a mosquito to a bug-zapper.

Another great simile that also made me chuckle.

“Your hair…well, it’s kind of a whore,” he broke it to her one morning, over a breakfast of pancakes at some diner in Indiana. “I think it sees other men on the side.”

This made me laugh out-loud, which is strange because I usually only laugh in my head when I read. Then, after I reread it (because I lost my place after laughing so hard) I realized how clever it really was and made a jealous comment to myself, wondering why I couldn't ever think of something like that.

She was still attractive in her own right, at least to him. He always did have odd tastes, he mused to himself. She was skinny, not thin, somewhat rail-like, not curvy. It didn’t matter onstage; she was never still long enough for anyone to see her as anything other than a colorful bunch of limbs zigzagging around her bandmates. When the lights didn’t lend her skin some color, she was a little on the pale side. Brown eyes had darkened circles underneath, the skin seemingly housing permanent and slight bruising. She didn’t really sleep much, he knew.

I love Tre's (yes - I imagined him saying it) description of her, how she moved on stage and also how he showed bits of her personality within the description. Made me think, "Awe. He so loves her."

“You’re cute when you’re mad, you know that?”

She was clearly a little buzzed that night, since the only response she could come up with for that was, “You wear too much eyeliner.”

“Maybe you don’t wear enough.”

“Fucker,” was her equally brilliant reply as she walked away, making quick steps back to the venue.

“Pottymouth!”

Their fight is cute. The eyeliner comments made me smile.

--

^ This thingy confused me. I was sure if it was a time lapse or what. And the next few chapter also confused me because I didn't know when it was happening. I'm not suggesting you change it, but I though you'd like to know how I felt in case you did want to change it.

He could hear her breathing, could feel her breathing, chest rising up and down and hands trembling as they came up and gripped at his calloused fingers.

^ Overall beautiful sentence, right there. The repetition of breathing definitely makes it.

“I have to ask. You don’t have, like…daddy issues, do you?”

My brain: What the...?

Made me wonder if he was really serious.

“...But can we not talk about him w-when we’re doing this?”

Made me laugh in my head.

‘Bad Tré! Bad!’

Tre's mind thoughts are so simple. Not in a dumb way, but not very complex either.Then again, the situation may not call for complex thoughts.

And of course the last line is pretty hysterical, and grabbed my attention and made me go "Why'd they have to end it that way?" Even though it was the perfect ending.

Overall, it was great even though it kind of confused me. (Then again it is past my bed time.) I'm definitely subscribing and I'll probably comment sometime in the future.

q

STORY REVIEW

I like how you start the first paragraph with a description of the girl without going into something obvious and boring like "she was five two with brown hair and brown eyes. She liked this genre of music and blah blah blah" I can already get a clear image of her (although the facial things might be a bit off), without you having to spell it out for me. I also liked the easiness of the relationship she has with tre. I only read a sentence or two about their relationship so far, but I can already tell it's a comfortable one. He's probably not completely... "into it" yet, but I can tell that he's feeling alright with her. Like he can be himself.

I hope that makes sense.

It was all very romantic. I loved that line. Right after the dialogue that came before it... pure genious. I think it's the perfect line.

The way it comes back to here hair is pretty cool. I can't be sure if it has some sort of a hidden meaning or not, but I think it's a nice way to refer back to the begining of the chapter without doing so too obviously. I like references like that. And the witty comments that tre makes are very funny without trying to hard to be.

"“Your hair…well, it’s kind of a whore,” he broke it to her one morning, over a breakfast of pancakes at some diner in Indiana. “I think it sees other men on the side.” I loved that line too. It made me crack a smile and chuckle to myself. (I got some weird looks for that)

I can tell thats she loves the stage. You were only describing her hair (the part where you went into how it changed on stage unde the lighting), but it was so easy to catch onto the fact that she loved the stage and the feeling she gets when she's up there. The spinning around and what not, it was a nice way to point out two different things without being very blatant with it.

Steam rose from her mouth and unnoticed spit flew from between her teeth, and her eyes were suddenly narrowed; devoid of that glimmer that he’d come to be so fond of. I don't know why.... but I like she she spit when she asked what was wrong with Tre. I guess it's because that is something people don't usually point out in stories, but it happens all the time in real life. It's a really random thing to point out, but I liked it.

It's funny/real in that part where Tre asks her if she has "daddy issues" (I like the wording). I feel like it would be something a guy his age would ask a girl her age if they were to ever be in a situation like that. I do find it funny though because it sounds like such an awkward question to ask, and in some cases could be considered a mood killer.

Nevertheless, I like that it was added in there.

‘This isn’t right—oh, Jesus Christ on a cracker, she has a tongue piercing…’

I LOVE THIS LAST LINE!!!!!!!! I love it, I love it, I love it. It's the perfect way to end the chapter, because even though the summary implies it, you know that the relationship isn't going to stop there. I think it's just so.... AMAZING!

I love it, although I think you can tell.

I'm subscribing to this.

Ohhh, I do love this story. I do, I do.

Benny strikes me as someone who has childhood issues. Not gonna lie. But I think she needs to mature emotionally, otherwise she'll just end up hurting Tre and whatnot IF they do choose to have a proper relationship.

yes, ♥♥♥♥♥♥

Firstly, I must congratulate you. You pulled through on this chapter, and even though it took a while, it works. It's wonderful, and I really enjoyed reading it.

While I read through this, I found some bits that I like especially. I'll go through them:

They were almost home now, just two shows away from the end of tour, and they craved the stable life, a home without wheels and silence devoid of screaming fans and screeching guitars, if only for a short while. It seemed as though the last week had dragged on without mercy. I loved this part and the rest of that paragraph. It shows that it has become kind of a need to have the tour finish, but then, of course, I realised that this may not actually be the case for Tre, because of Benny.

I loved the part where he found out that everyone knew. I reminded me very much of Love Actually, where the boss (Alan Rickman) tells his employer that everyone knows she's been in love with the hot guy for nearly three years. Well done on that part, because it even if other readers weren't reminded of movies, it was still very clear, and funny. I love how you make it funny.

“What?” Tré repeated. Beyond bewildered, he pulled himself up, mouth agape and eyes wide. Had people really been talking? Had they actually known? He and Benny had been so careful, meeting only when they stayed in motels and he’d managed to procure a room. He took great efforts to act normal with her when around other people. I liked that this part was realistic, because you wrote it as if it were in real life. Hey, if I had been sleeping around and I found out everyone knew, I'd be thinking the exact same thing. I think that it also shows that you can never be too careful, and that you can't always cover your tracks, which is also very realistic. :D

I couldn't help but laugh at the part where Tre gives Benny the look, because, like the vending machine scene in the previous chapter, it was described very well, so I could picture it inside my head, almost like a movie itself, and I found it funny.

“I know how old I am,” Benny interrupted. SHE'S BACK! Benny's back! [And I mean that, as in, when I read this over again , you notice her become all soft and tender and nice and NOT that sarcastic. I like sarcastic Benny.

When he didn’t, “Tre?” I really loved the paragraphs you fitted in before the next dialogue, here. I shows that you are able to make Tre rationalize himself without dialogue, and I enjoyed reading this part very much.

Good job on making that slut disgusting. -claps hands- When I think about it more, I think there were two reasons he left the room. One: He was of course, disgusted, as was everyone, and that is shown first. The second, I think, is that even though that brunette is a whore - and temporary, as stated, - Max still has someone to be with, and I have a feeling that that made Tre want to be with Benny, and that is why he left to go find her.

“It’s cold,” she said defensively, SHE LIES. She just wanted to be closer to him, and I thought that was very cute. =]

I think, that with Benny and Tre, things have changed. I think their "relationship" (I used quotes because they don't actually call it a relationship, even though it is) has grown, just a little bit. But not enough for any change to occur. Benny isn't as sarcastic, but the way she acts toward Tre suggests that she wants to be more, but won't let herself. I hope we get to see that in the future.

I loved the ending. I can relate to this, in a way, so I guess I understand. We all know Benny sucks at communication, and so does Tre. Maybe they're better at writing out how they feel instead of talking - and maybe this is also foreshadowing, for later on. I don't know what is planned for the story, but I hope it's this.

By Tre giving Benny his address, he's showing that just because the touring is ending, they don't have to. This shows that, y'know, he still wants to be around her, and she around him, and even though she's weird, and shapeless, he likes her and wants to continue. I love that prospect. :D

I sincerely hope this comment made sense, because my writing tends to confuse people... a lot. Sorry if it didn't, but I hope at least some parts did. :D

I loved Reese and Tre sitting together and Reese's open delcaration that "everyone knows" and Tre instantly becoming scandalised and upset with the whole thing again. It actually gave some nice insight into Reese, the way he just sat there, relaxed, while Tre freaked out. I like the way you can give us that information in such a short scene.

I definitely got to know Benny more when she and Tre talk the first time, just from what Tre thought about her sitting there was really nice. It was enlightening without being too full of physical aspects.

The scene backstage after the last show made me want to shudder, not because it was badly-written, but because I daresay that is what happens for a lot of bands, with random girls (temporary girls, as you aptly put it) and alcohol. Good on Tre for getting out.

Finishing it with Tre and Benny like that was nice, sweet, but not nasty sweetness that makes me want to throw up. I liked the way we are subtly told their relationship will change a little here, it was a good finish to the chapter.

I'm still hoping for more from Lucille and Benny's band, I'd love to see them again, they seem to have bucketloads of potential. I love how this story is bursting at the seams with OCs!

So I just finished the first two chapters and just... wow. Your attention to detail is just amazing. I was so perplexed by just the descriptions of everything, and the story itself is amazing. Your were able to turn the cliche "Famous band guy and normal girl" storyline and made it something so amazing and original.

I will leave a better review when I have had sleep and can think straight. But for now, I'll just tell you the normal "This is amazing."

-Morpheus.

Eh, I'm pretty much sure this comment won't be able top others, but I'll give it a shot.

The chapters are somewhat long, yet, I can't look away from the computer screen. It's like you turned cocaine into words! So addicting...

I still have to learn the difference between Audrey T's writing and Jinxeh's, they're somewhat alike. If I didn't know this was a co-written story, I would've never guessed. (I'm talking to the comment box)

I have no favorite paragraph, only a favorite story. Awkward.

“Fuck you, my kids will be awesome.”

Haha. This line made me laugh. I'm not much of one for band fanfics, nor do I particularily love Green Day, but I'm loving this story. I have to remind myself that, no, Tre is not a character you guys have created.

By the way:
Your style of writing is just gorgeous.

*subscribing!*

I've actually wanted to comment this for a while, but I was always too intimidated and I could never think of anything to say that'd be worthy enough of how awesome your writing is. I want to marry your writing, basically. I want to take your writing and Audrey T's writing, put it in a box, marry that box, and then worship it.

I just...love this. It's so funny and perfect and just...gah. I usually quote some of my favorite lines when I comment, but if I did that now I'd be quoting all of every single chapter, and that'd be annoying and unnecessary, so...I'm just going to say that this is one awesome story. I'm in love. I'm subscribing. :mrgreen: