June 27th, 2009 at 08:52pm
I thought it was good with a few mistakes.
Chapter 1 - Maybe you could have introduced the charaters alittle better. And when she was driving to her mothres house, you could of explained the scenery or something. But it was good.
Chapter 2 - Maybe you could of explained what her mother looked like, her sister. Got into a little more about her father; like explained where he is. And then David; maybe you could have explained alittle more what he looked like. Like piant out a picture in out mind half way.
I say keep writing. This can turn into a really great story. It's good.
Well, first think I notice right off the bat is the title. It is not capitalized correctly. The G should be capitalized. Into and you does not have to be since they are just filler words. So that does need to be fix, it’s not a fatal mistake, but it just makes the title look a little bit neater. Now the second thing I notice is your summary. You explain the story and then you say you can’t do summaries. Don’t say that, it’s a major turn-off for people. With what you wrote is more than enough to entice someone. However, when you say you can’t do summaries, it just does not look professional. If I saw a story that said that, I would usually stop reading and I know many other people would too. Just take it out and with what you have is more than enough.
Now, I’m just going to review chapter one. I like the consistency between the title names; it’s cute in my opinion. In the first sentence of the first chapter, there is a typo. It should be behind, you missed the h. In that first paragraph there is a lot of spelling errors. A simple proofread would take care of it.
It’s interesting how you being the story, it kind of makes you want to know why Dylan is so angry and fighting with her boyfriend. Now, the dialogue…this is a fatal mistake. It’s a wall of words. You need to start a new paragraph every time someone new begins to talk. For example:
“Oh, darn it, I forgot to buy the milk!” Joe exclaimed as he looked inside the already empty grocery bag.
“Don’t worry buddy, I’ll go get you some milk.” Peter said as he headed towards the door.
Family Guy reference and a dumb example, but that’s what I mean by spacing it out. It’s every time a new person begins to speak. In general, the spacing is awkward and it is distracting.
As for the story itself, I’m curious about the bruise, even though I think I already know, but who knows, so off to chapter 2.
In chapter 2, I was right! Now, Dylan seems to be portraying the signs that most battered women do. It makes you wonder why her boyfriend is acting the way he is. Does he feel superior or is he obsessed with her? In chapter two, there is a lot of repetitiveness. David did this, Dylan did that…it gets dry after a while. There is also an overuse of pronoun. She this and she that.
Also, the abuse scene…it feels unrealistic. It’s probably just me, but I don’t know…it just doesn’t feel real. I think it’s the pronoun problem; you need to vary your sentences. I have such a horrible problem with the whole varying sentences too. You also need more description to really bring in your reader. I have no idea how the characters look like for the most part. Now, I am not telling to go and descrive each character in detail. I certainly don’t want to see: Dylan has brown hair and such and such…that’s bad. Describe it as the story goes along. Describe your scenery and just describe in general.
So yeah, that’s basically it. Proofread, you really need to proofread. There are many typos in your story. You need to space the dialogue, fix your spacing, and vary your sentence. I’m not sure what direction you are going to take with this story, but I wish you much success. This review is kind of short compared to my usual reviews...hmm...
Hope this review helps :cute: