The Danger in His Eyes - Comments

ah...very clever my dear..fabulous, i honastly not has Hybristophilia,
but Gahhhh the way you write it and if it was Whip, by george i would be so
turned on xD
HA! a scared criminal! good on you kitty cat :D
tank you Kulta :)

Wow, I've never heard of Hybristophilia but it sure is interesting :tehe:
I totally loved this, you're writing style is really interesting, I really like it.
Well done, that was amazing

Wait . . . is Eric a guy?
Of course I would assume.
But the photo :cheese:.

:tehe: I think I know the band your writing about but I fuckin’ forgot the band name :cheese:. So I’m useless on who we’re really talkin’ about – I can’t tell how many times I’ve seen that photo with the band name and I forget .

Anywho, I also like the layout – but I don’t really like how it’s aligned to the right. But when I click to read it I like the images you create in my mind :cute: honestly. I really, really love it all. The imagery is strong and I just generally love everything. As I read it’s making me smirk and I can imagine the two characters.

Point blank, I love your style of writing.
Because I love third person.

Hello and thank you for entering my contest. I really liked your entry because I think not only did you capture the paraphilia, you should how truly strange it is. I love the feeling of your story; it reminds me of a Jeffery Dahmer sort of case. Well without further ado, let’s get onto the review.

Automatically, when someone starts reading this story, it’s like you already shoved them into this dark world. We start with Eric being leaned against the wall and clearly someone groping him. You give Eric more of a dimension when you being to describe that he doesn’t like it when “little boys” grope him. Eric…seems like a strange person and obviously the location is a gay bar or somewhere where many homosexual men hang out. This is third person, but you really connect with the character and the character’s mentality and it almost feels like he’s telling the story, but not quite. This is excellent third person narration.

Now we get introduced to a second character that is described as having a deep voice before Eric sees him. I like how you appeal to the senses with this story and while you don’t describe the place thoroughly, the reader can still imagine it. What I did find awkward was the whole “Any problem?” I find that a bit awkward…maybe it should be something along the lines of “Is there a problem?” That’s just a suggestion because what follows is Eric explaining his problem to the man.

Already, we don’t really know the man, but I feel like I can connect with him. You give him an aura of some sorts and it feels dark and you know this man is dangerous just by the way he feels. Now Eric falling in love with him immediately shows that Eric is not mental well. It could be a sign of obsession because one of the precursors to obsessive behavior is the person immediately falling in love with the other person. Plus, Eric is the one with the paraphilia so that’s another sign something is totally wrong with Eric.

Pouting he looked after the man, before pushing away from the wall, so drunk he could hardly stand, he still managed with push through the crowd until reaching the bar and the man that had helped him.

This seems kind of awkward; I think maybe it needs a comma after pouting. However, this is amazing because you describe every movement, like a movie. Every little thing and it’s perfect because I could play it in my head like a movie and I love when I could do that.

The man looked up, his eyes fixating on Eric, looking as he thought something through before he smirked. The smirk looked evil, in a way Eric couldn't describe even for himself, and he felt a shiver run down his spine, doubling the urge to want the man pounding into him before the night was over.

I love this paragraph, I had to copy it and talk about it. This is the beginning of this crazy relationship. You have description in your story, but it’s not drowning in description. It is the perfect amount of description, just to evoke the same feelings the characters are feeling into the reader and I love that.

This paraphilia is such a weird one, it’s so dark. You make it feel sensual and passionate. When the man says that he just got out of jail, this made Eric feel even more aroused. Most people would steer away or maybe just ask out of sheer curiosity, but definitely not because they are attracted. I like to think that this paraphilia is caused by the excitement of breaking the rules of our society. I mean, to go with a criminal…it must bring some thrill to the whole thing. You really captured the meeting and the moment of truth between Eric and the man. The description of the butterflies dancing around seems cute, but also dark. It’s a new take on the traditional butterflies in the stomach.

Even though the man is the criminal, I’m more scared of Eric. Eric is one deranged person and it’s to the point it is scary. He gets more excited when the man tells him he killed some people, to the point of letting out a shaky breath.

Now the paraphilia itself: hybristophilia. Another name for this paraphilia is “The Bonnie and Clyde Syndrome.” The main sufferers are women. They often help the men do the crime because it brings sexual pleasure. However, there are passive hybristophiliacs: which write letters and such. It’s so obscured that the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health) hasn’t given this paraphilia its own category. I find it weird that the guy would know about it…I mean, on one level, it gives more creepiness to the guy because not everyone know what it means or what it is. You mentioned somewhere the letter writing and I thought it showed some real research on your part. All Eric wanted was the sex and not the relationship. I think Eric might also be a bit of sex addict.

The next part of this story is like hardcore…and wow. I like the way you describe it because it’s…I still think Eric is creepier than the killer. Eric might even become a killer, in my mind, just to satisfy his needs of violence and danger. But then, I’m not a psychologist. However, I can totally imagine a sequel or something from this. We find out that the man’s name is Andreas. Interesting name…now I find it so weird that they go home. I mean, it’s creepy.

Now I love the way you describe the apartment. By the way, you spelled average wrong, there is an e instead of an “a” in the third letter. I mean with the boxes, you give yet another characteristic of Eric without say “Eric was lazy.” It’s weird because Eric knows that most likely Andreas wants to kill him, but at the same time he did allow him inside to his apartment. Lust is a very strong feeling.

The description of the killing of the other boys is creepy, but at the same time, delightful. A normal person would get scared, Eric was just enjoying it. This is a creepy relationship and I still think that when Eric gets older, he might do this too to get enjoyment out of the fact he kills people. The stuttering makes it even more realistic. Boychild is an interesting term and it really suits the characters well.

I like how Andreas is becoming afraid at the boy because he is not screaming or begging for his life.

Andreas was usure, confused, not used to this. He should be begging, crying for it to stop, but Eric was only leaning back against Andreas. Almost as if he trusted the man. He let got of the boy almost as he had burned himself, feeling shocked and hateful towards the boy, but he no longer wanted to kill him; Eric hadn't showed what he wanted to see.

Well, it should be unsure. However, this paragraph is the turning point for this story. The tables have switched and now Andreas is feeling scared. I like to think that maybe this is payback for all those murders he once did. He’s finally found someone more messed up than him.

Now something I did find awkward was when Andreas asks Eric what is he doing and Eric says Enjoys? Not sure if that’s what you mean. Anyway, at the end we find Andreas changing and becoming fearful of Eric. The ending is perfect because you left the reader wanting more.

Now, you mentioned you did not have someone read over it, so I do see many spelling errors and grammar errors. However, I’m sure you will have it fixed. Also, something that bothered me…you mentioned that Andreas just got out of jail. This is my law nerdness coming out (I’m currently taking pre-law): it’s supposed to be prison. Jail is for people who have done misdemeanors or people who have jumped bail or cannot pay bail and are waiting for trial. However, lately because of the overpopulation of criminals, some criminals do go to jail. Andreas has killed many people…why is he out? Is he out on parole? That’s very unlikely. I think it would have been better is he was never caught and he’s still on his spree…it would make it more realistic in terms of the law. However, you are the writer so it is up to you.

Oh…about your prizes…I can’t do the signature because my signature is already long. So, I’m giving you another review of any story or poem you want. Just tell me please. You also get a reccing on the Pimping and Reccing thread and you get pimping on my profile and something else…I think.

Well, that’s it…I really enjoyed the story and that’s why you placed first. Congratulations and hope this review helped. :cute:

That wasn't dirty or anything :)
But i loved it. It was very descriptive and kind of twisted in a way.

So there is a name for it? Good to know. I think... :oops:

This was... very, very, very hot! Tihi, I saw it all in my mind, the killings, and the Candy action^^ <3 Write more of this kind of this please<3 :tehe: :tehe:

uuuhuuuu *_____*
Hot stuff, hot hot hot. Grrrr this makes me read more even though I know it's a oneshot xDDDD
damn sweets you did that really hot and very well, though one notices it's not betat <3 But I think you can be forgiven

Me loves it very muuuuch

WOW, that was just.... WOW, im at a loss for words.