January 21st, 2011 at 02:46am
One shot for one shot.
First of, great layout. I thought it fit the whole thing well.
I like how you started the whole story with immediate drama. It drew me to read more.
Kristian had been playing rockstar again, and fallen off the stage.
I personally like that line, cause it described so many things. Like from the character Kristian performing on stage to the moment he went unconscious. You've written it short and clear instead of writing the whole scene into one looong paragraph.
“Well, uh. Let's see,” I snapped. “You get so shit-bag wasted every night that you have no time for me anymore. You're getting your ass checked for drugs at every fucking airport. You fall off a stage – while drunk, might I add – knock yourself unconscious, put me into a fucking fit worrying about you, and then act as if nothing happened.”
“Nothing did happen-”
“It fucking did, Kristian. It did. You were unconscious for a good ten minutes, maybe more. How do you think I felt, standing on that stage and looking down at you, and you weren't moving? I didn't know how you landed, if you landed...”
I love how you were able to tell Jonne's feelings through dialogue, it gave the characters more life. From her being angry to worrying over Kristian, every little detail was well written.
Honestly, I think the words 'piss off' have been repeated too many times. Maybe you should try other words instead, but that's just my suggestion.
Overall, nicely done.
It was really sweet. I'm no good at saying constructive things, so yeah... Just loved it.
Gotta read more of your stories <3