August 28th, 2009 at 10:03pm
I'm gonna be reviewing this as I read along. (:
I think you started out good in a very interesting part of the story. Starting out with your main character curled up in a ball all alone in an abandoned building, crying is going to get people to wonder.
but she did know that the rotting stench reminded her of a time her mother took her to the cemetery.
I feel like there's a missing word (or not and I'm really just too tired for my own good), but I do believe 'when' should be in between 'time' and 'mother'?
Okay, so just in the first paragraph, I'm actually very intrigued. How Chloe's mother was very angry when she had told the girl that people that didn't want to live go to the cemetery and how she ended up there, too. And really, this all is just starting to make me very sad.
Kind of random, but I liked how you used the word 'rodent' rather then any other word. Because if you use rat or something like that, it wouldn't compare to how dirty and dark the word 'rodent' felt, which pretty much set the mood of the story.
I like how you're describing how weak Chloe felt. How you mentioned she didn't think her arms and legs would hold her up for long. How now, while she's all alone and weak, she's thinking back to things from her past. How now she's going on and on wondering on her trail of thoughts. It really shows how bad her situation is looking like right now.
The way you described blood, oh my God, that was wonderful and absolutely fluid. Kudos.
I love how, even until the end of the story, we still have no idea what she was doing in that building, or how she ended up there. Why she was bleeding. It's like we readers have to make up those parts for ourselves and I personally love when an author does that.
Also how the whole story just seems so tragic and sad and it really makes you feel for the character, but in the end - for Chloe, anyway - it turned out good for her. Chloe's last thought was of her mother, and at the times when she was suffering, she was thinking of her mother, too. And I like how it shows how important Chloe's mom was to her.
I liked this, keep it up. (:
Again, I wanted to start out by saying that I really liked this short story. The story had a depth to it that not a lot of authors came acheive.
The description was great and I loved how she would see or smell something and she'd remember something from her past. I particularly liked the description of when she saw her blood and remembered her mothers scarlet dress and how she and her siblings always had to dress up for that occasion.
My favorite section of the story would have to be Chloe hated her. She hated the long curly locks on the back of Rebecca’s skull, she hated Rebecca for her shiny white teeth and her right perfect grades. Most of all, Chloe hated her for the friendship she gave to Chloe. It just seems so real because I'm sure everyone has a friend they envy because of how they look or how intellegant they are. This makes Chloe seem a lot more relatable.
There are some parts in the story that makes me have to go back and re-read the sentence in order to get the meaning because of unnessesary words or lack there of:
That Rebecca, she would come over in the pouring rain... I feel that you could take out either that or she and the sentence would flow a lot better.
...but she did know that the rotting stench reminded her of a time her mother took her to the cemetery. Also I feel that you could add when between time and mother.
I didn't see any grammar or spelling mistakes. I didn't notice any sentences that seemed overly short of long.
Great story overall. I'm glad you never told us the reason behind Chloe being there in that building and how at the end she seemed to find her happiness.