July 31st, 2009 at 10:22pm
Story/Review Game:yay first comment! :file:
I'll be reviewing as I go along.
First, I love the beginning, how you contrasted the white blouse with his fingers "creating black lines and ugly patterns". That's a great image. And I like how you positioned the characters, how she's looking down at him.
Great use of "feathers" to show his hair. And from the second paragraph I can tell this is an abnormal couple, there's something wrong. And from how you positioned her in the first paragraph, it's clear that she's holding all the power.
Hummingbirds beat their wings against it, insects and gloom and spider webs, and now knives cut through the inside of her stomach and her heart. Instead of saying her stomach twisted in a knot or some other typical description, you really chose your words beautifully here.
I'm not sure if I like the sound of "internal bleeding." I'm not sure, it sounds too medical for me.Maybe since my dad's a doctor. I almost feel like it doesn't flow well enough, it's kinda jarring. Maybe you meant it to be like that.
His hope, his neediness, his dependence, his fear - displayed in front of her like tarot cards in front of a seer. That sounds so overwhelming, that he depends on her so much. And I like the tarot cards metaphor.
Feathery, light gold hair. There it is again, the word feathery. I like it, it gives a great image, but since you used it before maybe you could have found a different word. Unless it was intentional repitition.
But she does it for reasons. She is not heartless. This is quite heartbreaking, actually. That he loves her so much and she's letting him go. I'm wondering what the reasons are? I like how the narration sounds like the girl is convincing herself, reassuring herself that she's not a terrible person. It really interests me why she feels she has to do this.
I noticed a typo you might want to fix, you wrote, "his cheek moving away from her hot stomach nowl" instead of now. But other than that, I love this atypical position, where his cheek is pressed against her stomach. It's so different, yet touching.
I'm not really sure about about describing his eyes as "the color of the sea" - it seems a little cliched to me. Innocence floats about the room and she breathes it in - a mistake. You've made him seem so vulnerable and unaware of her heavy decision that it really demonstrates how how torn up she feels inside. It shows how she's steeling herself to break his innocence, and she knows it. I really like that, it's a very different perspective than I usually read.
The end somehow reminds me of Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls - "word vomit". :tehe: But anyway, with that last sentence you've left it up to the reader to envision what happens next. That one line is so simple yet from your excellent descriptions above, I can almost see his reaction.
Excellent job. I really enjoyed reading this. :cute:
This is such a wonderful hearbreaking story, I sat like
He clings on to her shirt. Her white, smooth blouse is getting creased now - his fingers twist around the fabric, creating black lines and ugly patterns along the surface. She's kneeling on the bed, looking down at the crumpled body of a boy with just one hope left.
That is just an awesome start, you just throw the reader right into that this won't be a sugar sweet story, or even have some kind of softness in it, still it's packed with emotions, and you know that it'll just make you sad to read, still you immediately managed to pull the reader in so that they need to continue.
Things begin to fill her heart. Hummingbirds beat their wings against it, insects and gloom and spider webs, and now knives cut through the inside of her stomach and her heart. She's bleeding now - but no-one can see. No-one can feel it, except her - it's just her and the pain and the boy who won't let go.
I feel so sorry for her
She can feel her own welling up, the internal bleeding becoming too much now, and it spills over her cheeks in the form of salty water instead.Why isn't it blood? Tears never truly tell the whole story behind the pain. It was only a small fraction of the truth.
This made me shudder, actually imagine it to be blood at first :XD Though the last sentence there, is so true, it's a perfect description of how it really can be, put in one simple sentence. That takes real skill, or a creative mind that thinks longer than people usually does.
And it's too much to bear, and she doesn't know quite what she's doing, but she reaches over now and touches the feathery, light gold hair that always managed to lure her into stroking it. It's like she's touching nothing - she runs her nimble fingers through his hair, and pushes him slightly closer to her.
But she lets go almost immediately.
I got small hope at first
But she does it for reasons. She is not heartless. He doesn't know this now, and for weeks he will think she is - but she does it for reasons. Reasons hard to explain.
This makes me really want to know why she does it, but it gives a depth to the story, making the reader ache for you to contiue with it, to tell the reason for her ending it.
I love the description of his eyes, it could be classed as cliché, but somehow, the way you write it, makes it less of cliché, somehow. And it feels as the boy is just oozing with innocence, making him so much more volnurable and easy to hurt.
This story was just amazing, it left me completely in awe
And I hope comment made sense :shifty