Future as Bright as Halogen - Comments

I'm so late on commenting yet again, but I adore this too.

Everything seems so well planned out, and it's just amazing. And I like all the Ashlee in it. I didn't think I would...but I do. :cute:

ooh, good. (:

Ha, this was great.

I copied this onto my laptop whilst accessing the internet this morning (now yesterday to you) with the intention of leaving feedback when I arrived back at the cottage. I've written four and a half things so far this holiday so I simply can't write any more! So this will pass the time whilst the rest of my family go back in the pouring rain to the village we've already visited about five times already. I'm now waffling, so I'll hush and just get on with it.

The way you opened it was good. The next day when Macy woke up her head was hammering from all the tears she had cried the night before. This shows that although she knows that Chase doesn't really care, she still loves him and is still hurting from the fact that he went behind her back and tried to impress her at a fancy restaurant, only to tell her that he'd be disappearing for half a year again. He doesn't seem like a very tactful person and only really looks out for himself. He just has a knack of hurting people and this is illustrated by the fact that Macy has cried all night over him.

And she just wants to hide away. She had found herself lying in the guest bed, the duvet wrapped tightly around her like a security blanket. She just wants to block out the outside world and live in her own little land, where there's no Chase to hurt her. She just wants to hide away and I liked the fact that you described the duvet as a "security blanket" because it shows that she's really been affected by all of this and just wants everything to be blocked out. It's quite sad to read.

I like that you described Gabe from Macy's eyes. It was interesting to have her take on him. I also like the fact that she worries about whether she's hurt Gabe's feelings, even though she barely knows him. Macy felt slightly guilty at having kicked him out but at least he hadn’t seemed to mind too much. It shows that she's a person who easily puts her trust into others - sometimes with disastrous consequences (Chase being one of them). But at the same time I think she knows that Gabe is a good guy because he's close with Pete and Ashlee - and they were both right about Chase when she couldn't see the bad in him.

Macy is a person who doesn't do things by halves. Macy was so immersed in her cooking and mixing that she didn’t realize someone else had joined her in the kitchen until they spoke up. She gets so involved in everything and this is a good illustration of that. She makes a huge effort with everything she does - her relationship with Chase being a prime example - and this shows it well because she's so immersed in the cooking that it doesn't register that she's no longer alone in the kitchen. I also think that it implies that Gabe is quite a quiet person. Like, on the outside he's a very flamboyant "in-your-face" kind of guy, but he's really just a massive sweetheart who is really respectful of others and is a guy who doesn't really want to intrude on something nothing to do with himself.

I like how simply Gabe was described. Her eyes landed on the tall and lanky form of Gabe who was dressed in flannel pyjama pants and an old black Metallica shirt. There's nothing really fancy about his appearance and I think this emphasises my earlier point of the fact that Gabe is a completely different person to the guy he's portrayed as. I like that he's not looking his best and he's just asking Macy an innocent question about whether she's feeling any better.

I thought this was pretty sad to read. It struck Macy at once how good-looking Gabe really was; she hadn’t noticed it yesterday through the film of her hysterical tears and own personal problems, leaving her feeling very foolish at this precise moment. Macy feels upset that the first time that Gabe had seen her, she'd been a hysterical wreck - thanks to Chase. She doesn't want people to think bad of her and worries that Gabe won't like her and just see her as an emotional wreck. This little section also shows just how absorbed in Chase that Macy was - she wasn't even able to notice Gabe because of the fact that she couldn't see through her tears.

I adore Gabe's thoughtfulness. Gabe tried to avoid asking her any questions that could potentially offend or even worse: set off a stream of tears. I like how he's playing on her strengths and desperately trying not to upset her in any way. You've just written him as such a sweetheart and I can completely understand his character. I don't really know much about Gabe, except that he's the singer from Cobra Starship and he wears bright clothes, so it was good to know that I can really understand this character from nothing more than a little bit of description and also from what he says. It's good that you're able to do that, it really shows what a good writer you are.

Macy instantly knows what Ashlee wants to speak to her about. Macy fidgeted awkwardly. Yesterday she had only just about managed to bring out the words ‘Chase’ and ‘asshole’ through her tears before Ashlee had sent her up to the guestroom. It really shows that they have a really tight friendship and the pair of them just understand one another completely. I also think that Macy is a little nervous about telling Ashlee what's gone on, because she doesn't want her to say "I told you so", if that makes sense. She's a little bit scared of admitting that she was wrong.

It was good that you didn't forget about Gabe as soon as Ashlee walked in. It was at this point that Gabe felt very awkward, but he wasn’t sure how to create a smooth exit so he stayed put where he was. This is a moment between Macy and Ashlee, but Gabe is still there and he's not sure what to do. I don't think he does well with sobbing women, which is why he was trying to say things earlier that wouldn't make Macy cry.

I liked this. It was as she hugged Ashlee and Pete that she realized she was truly blessed with her friends and that regardless of her reckless ex-boyfriend she could always fall back on them. I like that you made a point of the fact that Macy has some great friends and it's not all doom-and-gloom. You've got a really good balance between the good things and the bad in this story so it was refreshing to read this. Macy really relies on Ashlee and Pete to feel better and it's good that she has their friendship.

Uch, Chase. I really don't like him. She felt the tears start up in her eyes, even more so once she realized that he had really come back to collect all his stuff. He's obviously a person that can let go easily, and the fact that he's just cleared everything out without so much as a fight shows that he really isn't a person that can commit himself. All he's committed to is his job and I think that he's never really worked on his people skills because he hasn't needed to.

Loved this update, can't wait to see what you're going to do with this and whether this really is going to be the last we'll hear from Chase, or whether he'll be back. I'm definitely interested.

You update so quickly, I'm not used to this. I thought I should leave this anyway, before you update again and I get behind, or start being lazy and leave it too long. So anyway, enough rambling.

I really like Ashlee's character. She's like the mother of them all, keeping them all in check and making sure everyone's okay, all the time. I love how you've written her, and how normal the entire Wentz clan are, it's nice to read. And to be honest, it's probably dead on true as well, I think a lot of the superstar lifestyle is all hype and a lot of it is exaggerated, so I love that it's dulled down in this, and they're portrayed as normal people, living their lives, avoiding the photographers that like to hound them.

I think you know by now that I adore the way you write relationships, and Ashlee and Pete's is up there with all the other great character lovers. Ashlee's worried about Macy, and she's a lot more vocal about it, she winds herself up to fever pitch, and she seems to over think the situation, whereas Pete's far more laid back about it. They balance each other out well.

“I’m not letting you date until you’re at least 21, you got that?” That made me giggle. It's like Pete knows exactly what Gabe's after, so he's thinking about that, and then there's all the drama with Macy and Chase's break up, so I have a feeling that he's thinking about both of these things when he says this to Bronx.

The state of Macy's apartment was good. I liked that she wasn't watching some romance film, or something along those lines. This being told over Ashlee's point of view was a nice change as well, as it's her reaction we're seeing, and she notices the changes in Macy, making it clearer to us. It's much better written this way, rather than if we saw it over Macy's viewpoint. Even though we do get pieces of Macy's thoughts, like her sudden self concious about how she looks in front of Gabe.

Ashlee and Gabe make a good team. I have a feeling a lot of the time, she's guiding him and telling him what to do, he's a man after all. I think it's sweet that he's there and willing to help though, even though he does have his own ulterior motives, but even as he's edging himself into Macy's life, it's all going to help him get somewhere. Again, I love that you didn't write him as the egotistical, over dramatic band boy that I've seen done a million and one times.

I'm liking Macy's recovery process, and how it's slow. It's not sudden, and it doesn't look like she's going to jump Gabe any second and be all 'OMGZZZZ I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU NOW' type of thing. Your characters are always written so beautifully, and in a realistic way, where we can all relate to aspects of the character, if not the full thing. They're always ones I like as well. I never start to dislike them at any point, because you're always on their side.

I love the build up. I love the ending, and I love that this is taking time to evolve over a realistic period of time. I can sense the drama and excitment on the horizon. And I'm wondering if Chase is going to pop up again at some point, and possibly have a big punch up with Gabe. :tehe: Lovely update, as always.

It's great that Gabe's asked Ashlee for advice before talking to Macy. She definitely needs some time to figure herself out before getting into another relationship.

I don't know why, but I thought the part about Bronx dating at 21 was quite funny.

I loved it! I chuckled when I read the part about Gabe's driving, I just see him being not the best driver in the world.

Ah, the new update was really amazing!

God, this is incredible! You absolutely have to update soon! Please?

I don't mind you updating everyday. O_O This is great!!

Bronx is so cute. xDDD

I thought I should leave this before you update again and then feedback gets even more backed up. And I felt like reading something fun tonight, so this was the first stop.

The opening is very much the sudden aftermath of the night before. It's like when Macy was sleeping, she had forgotten about Chase and the non-proposal, and then she wakes up and reality smacks her in the chops. Despite the underlying angst and black clouds, I thought the beginning was really quite calming and the atmosphere was chilled.

Gabe's entrance was good. It's all very understated with him, as Macy is currently the centre of attention, because of what's happened, and so his visit seems to have been pushed to the side a little. I like that you haven't written him as a totally flamboyant, over the top, dramatic, attention seeking band boy just yet. I don't even know if you'll write him like that at all, I'm going on what I've read with him in before. Plus, it seems like the pair of them aren't quite sure what to make of one another straight away, so for him to be a little more reserved makes his character seem more human and realistic.

Bronx was very attached to the colourful giant who gave him cool t-shirts :tehe: It's lines like that, that just make this story as light hearted as it is.

The interaction between them was that of two strangers, and it seemed right that it was written that way. I'm glad you didn't have Macy pour her heart out to him, it didn't feel like the time or the place, and even though it seems easier to talk to someone you barely know about such personal issues, it doesn't seem like it's in her nature to do something like that. She seems to keep herself to herself and share certain things with the people she's closest to. Yet, when Ashlee comes in, she does tell her everything, with Gabe present, so I don't know, maybe she didn't care or notice that he was there, since he'd probably hear it from Ashlee or Pete at some point anyway. But her speech was directed at Ashlee, so I'm guessing she just sort of blocked Gabe out for that time. Anyway, I'm rambling.

Gabe's like the typical man. He's scared of triggering a set of tears from Macy, so he walks on eggshells during their conversation, and then he's not sure how to get away from the personal, and girlie conversation, so he just stays put and hopes for the best. :tehe:

Ahhh, now I sort of wondered why Chase does the amazing tricks he does, but I sort of see. Macy says he's scared of committment, and that made me wonder if thats actually his biggest fear. It's like he's tackled every other thing you could possibly be scared of, apart from a normal, human thing, and just get married and be linked to someone, until they divorced, if they should ever need to. It seems laughable in a way that he's scared of something like that, yet he doesn't fear crocodiles or falling from great heights. I like his character, even though he's not a main one.

Ashlee and Macy's friendship is lovely. They really understand each other, and I love reading interaction between the pair, so I'm glad you've got a lot of it in there. I hope there's going to be more to come for them as well. You've portrayed their friendship amazingly, and it's all so genuine and how you'd expect best friends to be. They're really in sync with each other, on the same level of understanding and knowing when to talk and when to listen. It's not a majorly huge thing in the story, but it's there and it's always nice to read it.

The ending was sad, but hopeful at the same time. The apartment sounded like a huge reminder of Chase, and she needs to get over the break up and then delete him from her life, and I have a feeling Gabe is going to play a big part in helping her do just that. It's sad in a sense that their relationship is over, and how it's ended under crappy circumstances, but she has admitted that it sucked anyway, so it seems like something huge is about to happen. Out with the old and in with the new is the feeling I'm getting.

I'm looking forward to seeing how things turn out now. It's going to be great, I can feel it.

Don't sweat it.
I'm really enjoying the character building.
I like how you're building up the relationship between Ashlee and Macy.

Grrreat.
=]

Hey, who said updating everyday was a bad thing? I'd enjoy if you did that. :tehe:
I love it!!

Can I encourage an update soonish? (: Sorry this is sooooo late, what with all the commotion around my birthday and my laziness combined, it hasn't been a great time for me leaving anyone feedback, so I'm here trying to get back on track and get everything done, and this was first in the queue.

I love Ashlee's role in this. She's like the voice of reason, and she tells Macy what we're all thinking. It's like she's the best friend with the common sense, but Macy was blind to what Chase was like, she didn't want to completely admit that her relationship was really one sided and that she deserved so much better.

Chase was sprawled out in front of the couch watching re-runs of Jackass and Bear Grylls: Born Survivor episodes. I really liked that line. I got the feeling that maybe Chase watches those programmes as to generate some inspiration for the ultimate stunt to pull. I got the feeling that Macy wanted an escape from that as well, as Chase seems to just live in his job, it's his entire life and I think she'd rather it wasn't and he separated his personal life and his job, but he doesn't seem to be able to do that very well.

The build up to the dinner was hopeful. Like, I wanted Macy to get what she wanted, but at the same time, I didn't. We know by now that Chase is no good for her, since he's constantly off on his travels doing one crazy thing whilst planning the next and risking his life on a daily basis. For her, the novelty of having this dare devil boyfriend has long worn off and she's in the hope that he's ready to quit it all and settle down with her. And why not? She's a nice girl and everything, and she's been there for three years. So by going through her getting ready, buying the dress and taking the time to do her hair it does build up the suspense and wonder. Nicely done.

I liked how you went through the clues to Macy thinking that this particular night could be the proposal. Like with the drawer and him being extra nice to her. It all adds up to the same thing, and the proposal is what she wants, so that's the conclusion she's come to. I liked how you added those clues in, it was a nice element and much better to read than something simple like the length of time they'd been together.

Chase making the effort also seems to show a change in his character. It all adds to the night seeming special, like something big is about to happen.

“Would you mind parting with me for half a year?” And then the build up crashes. I did feel sorry for her at this point, it's not what she wanted at all, quite the opposite. The way he asked was so misleading as well. I just love the way you've written this entire chapter, it's all full of mystery and wonder, and then the suspense with the build up. Amazing stuff.

I felt like this was significant, the glass splintering and tinkling as it rained the expensive marble floor. The glass seems to represent their relationship. This request is the final straw, and as the glass breaks, so does their relationship. It's beautiful imagery, and makes their relationship seem fragile, like the glass. It's almost like it wasn't made to last.

I liked the break up. How dignified it all was, and how neither of them really wanted to cause a scene. It wasn't the cliche screaming match, and that's what separates this story from the rest, as it isn't going to be one big cliche mess, and thats what I always adore about your writing. You have a knack of writing really unique and original characters, and they're always one's I get attached to whenever I read your updates.

The way she goes straight to Pete and Ashlee shows that she thinks a lot of them, and really values their friendship. Like they're the first stop for comfort, and because she feels like home at their house, it makes a lot more sense to go there. And it seems less likely that Chase will follow her up there. I loved Pete's reaction and how he gave her a quick hug and then passed her off to Ashlee, who knows how to deal with situations like these. Typical men! :tehe: Gabe's introduction made me smile as well and how you described him as a tall person dressed in eye wateringly bright clothes really lightened the overall mood of the chapter. The ending was very hopeful as well, and I have a feeling that things are only going to get better from this point onwards.

I adore this so far, I like how light hearted it is, it's refreshing to read something like this.

THIS IS MY LAST STORY TO LEAVE FEEDBACK FOR OUT OF MY LONG LIST AND I'M SO EXCITED RIGHT NOW! I was going to leave this tomorrow morning but ehh I feel like leaving it now because I'm kind of awake and I also want to get all of my feedback out of the way tonight. So here goes. :tehe:

I love how we're instantly thrown into the action of the story. “I don’t know why you even bother anymore,” Ashlee said hotly to Macy. It's obvious that Chase has come up into their discussion somehow and Ashlee wants to voice her opinions to Macy. I get the impression that the longer the relationship lasts, the more frustrated Ashlee gets with Chase. She can see the Chase that Macy can't, she can see him for who he is. I think that Ashlee is a very clever person, she can always see a person for who they really are, even if they're living a lie.

I think that Pete told a bit of a porkie here. She was out shopping with Ashlee, having been charged by Pete to keep an eye out for his wife and son, and to try to keep the paparazzi in line. It was mentioned later on in the paragraph that she found the job allocation "ironic" and I'm pretty sure that Pete wanted Macy to have some girl time, which is why he sent her out with Ashlee. Pete seems to be a very caring guy and I absolutely love how you've written him in this. I love his character.

It's sad that Ashlee keeps hinting about the fact that Macy should finish things with Chase, but Macy is just too stubborn to listen. “You mean that you have gone through so much,” Ashlee said stressing the ‘you’ part of her sentence. I think that Ashlee is a little bit scared of voicing her true feelings about Chase because she's scared that it will upset Macy, which is why she's saying things like this instead - enough for Macy to know that she doesn't approve, but not enough for Macy to realise that Ashlee wants her to finish it because she knows Chase is no good for her.

This shows how much of a hold that Chase has on Macy. Even though she didn’t have a normal life Ashlee was still happy. There was just something wrong with herself, Macy decided. The worst thing is that she doesn't even know how much of a negative impact that he's had on her. She just assumes that it's her in the wrong, even though it's Chase's fault - what with him gallivanting off around the world and worrying Macy so much. Chase doesn't really seem to think about anybody but himself. As long as he's happy then he doesn't care.

As soon as I read this line, alarm bells started to ring in my head. Chase was, surprisingly, already sat at the table he had reserved. Chase has never been a person known for his reliability and as soon as it was said that he was already sat there, I have to admit that I did think the worst and that this was going to be setting Macy up for heartbreak most extreme. I noted earlier that Chase only really cares about whether he's happy and he comes across as quite a selfish person so I guessed that there would have to be something in it for him to be out-of-character and punctual for once.

I loved how realistic you made her reaction. Her hand dropped from in front of her face and she accidentally knocked down her wine glass, which crashed to the floor, the glass splintering and tinkling as it rained the expensive marble floor. She just can't take everything in, especially since she'd been expecting something entirely different from Chase. I think that's what made things worse - I mean, of course she would have been upset with him for saying he'd be away for a while, but it's the fact that she was expecting him to ask the big question. And she was faced with that, which must just make her feel about ten times worse. I can really feel her despair and upset.

And he's not even sorry! Chase looked like he was being forced into a corner and a sheepish expression crept across his face as he saw the impact that his question had on his long-suffering girlfriend. He just gives her a sheepish look, as if he expects her just to understand with no questions asked. He really makes my blood boil, he doesn't care about anybody but himself. He just expects everybody to drop everything and accommodate for whatever he wants to do.

I think this shows how important Pete and Ashlee really are to Macy. Macy pulled up to the gates of a house in the hills, which felt far more like home than her apartment with Chase had ever done. Ashlee and Pete are like the family she doesn't have, in a way. In a sense she's trying to live through them because she's been hurt in the past, by Chase and other partners of hers, and the fact that she comes here also shows that she's got a slight dependence on them. She knows that she can rely on them to help her out.

I loved the introduction of Gabe to the story and from a few words he's instantly painted as a person who is the exact opposite to Chase. “You look like you could use that more than me,” he said kindly as she wiped some of the condensation off the can. The way he says this shows that he really cares about others and their feelings, which is very different to Chase's outlook on life. Gabe comes across as a caring person who is a complete sweetheart and is willing to help out whenever he can. I like him already and he's barely been in this yet!

I liked how you ended the part. “Pete get a box of tissues and Gabe clear your shit out of the guest room. You’re sleeping on the couch tonight,” Ashlee ordered over Macy’s shoulder. “Macy is staying here.” I like that it was a mix of humour (Gabe having to clear all his shit out) and seriousness (Ashlee looking out for Macy). It was a good way to end the part because it gives the reader hope that everything is going to be okay. I like how easily I can empathise with Macy, you've written this story very well and it's obvious a lot of work has gone into it so far.

I love this so far.

I really liked this.Update soon

I'm glad that she's finally dropped Chase.
Although he might have been used to doing crazy things on the drop of a dime, I can't believe that he expected Macy to be alright with him leaving for half a year. A week's notice for such a huge commitment is hardly enough time to soak it all in.

On another note, I'm really enjoying Macy's relationship with Ashlee. It reminds me a little of my best friend and I.

The way that Gabe and Macy met was really original. I haven't read anything quite like it on mibba.

I liked this.
Alot.
Update soon?

i love this, you're awesome. add as much ashlee as you want. i'm fine with that. (: