Decoding Jenny - Comments

Luv this one! I was a little confused with the timeline, but it's all good now. I love you're style, it's not really full of detail, but that doesn't matter, there's no reason it needs it. There were a few awkward-tense spots, but that might have just been me confusing the timeline for myself. Other than that, it was awesome! This is one of my favorite chapters so far! Right behind the "Yes girls he is mysterious and I know that you are falling in love with him" chapter =D

Hmmm.... I don't like this chapter as much as the others. I'm not sure why, I think your voice was different somehow... Then again, it was a lot of Lee with herself and not too much other interaction... Not to mention, no Seth. I always find that passing time is the hardest part for me to write, making a successful "figuring it all out Alone" section next on the list. I am slightly saddened tha this may be coming to a end... I jut hope that we get as far as the "Obviously kissing him was out of the question. But at the moment he probably would have like it. He told me that months later." "later" part.

Eh... Sorry it took so long for me to get around to reading this. Hectic weekend... anyway. There were some really good parts, but then some awkward parts. When you are actually describing the situation at hand, especially Seth and Haley's interactions, it's very smooth. But when you start going from 1st person to narrated(if that makes sense) it gets a bit awkward. "What a bunch of happy people we were." turns a sincere paragraph into a biting sarcastic one.
"...watching like nothing could ever go wrong. But like usual, I was wrong." gives the impression of foreshadowing, which confused my poor subconscious mind.
"Nothing anymore exciting happened than Seth and I almost saying that police are very nice people... he tripped me and Jenny smacking him" is somewhat of an awkward moment too. I was once told that dialogue is almost always a better path than narration. I don't want to call it just "relaying information" but just stating info gets to be a bit of a turn-off. Maybe leading into it with dialogue and fading out into narration would be best. "'There was this one time, Hayley tripped and about broke her face...' Carter rambled on, leaving out the parts about him tripping me and the nice welt he got from Jenny. Somehow we moved onto police officers and how nice they are--don't ask me how. " seems a bit more natural... But then again it gives the passing of time a different feel. I don't know.
Nice overall, by the way. I can't wait to see where Seth and Haley get themselves =D

Decoding jenny comment:

Brilliant! I love chapter five!! "Yes girls he is mysterious and I know that you are falling in love with him" I would have burst out laughing if I wasn't in the car reading off my iPod(I made sure to keep the pages open so I could read without wifi.) You totally nailed my thoughts of "I wish I had a friend like that..." course then I'd have have some secret too... Anyway! I don't usually read this type of story but not even scrolling difficulties can keep me away! Which, by the way, aren't problems at all on iPod. Actually, it's a bit nicer this way. It truly is brilliant though. The interactions are realistic and I'm surprised you don't have a horde of adoring readers. Well, here's one!

This might not be exactly what you wanna hear, but you might wanna try putting spaces between every paragraph. I know, that's kinda wacky advice, but big solid blocks of text are daunting, and kinda off-putting. I know I tend to avoid stories without spacing because every time I scroll I totally lose where I was reading. And It feels more like... well reading. You have to work on making sure your reading the right line. Instead of the same line for the fourth time. Of course, It's totally your story, but it's just a suggestion.

But past that, I'm liking the idea. I can't wait to see what while happen as I read on, scrolling problems or no scrolling problems.