The Crimson Lotus - Comments

;-; i hope there's another longer chapter soon! :D

:'(
god i dont want her to die

There were so many parts in this story that honestly made me start crying. It's just so beautifully written and wonderful and asfdsfasfd
This is just beautifully amazing. chapter eleven was a serious tearjerker for me. Just something about it, I could literally see it all playing out on my computer screen and it was just beautiful. I've never read anything about GazettE, and this is seriously just an amazing story to start out on, I believe. You pull the emotions through so... perfectly. It's as if you know just how to make us empathize with your characters and tug on our heartstrings, and that makes you an amazing author in my book.

I've only read the summary so far and I about fell to the floor from your writing. It's magnificent.

OMFG I THOUGHT THIS WAS DEAD!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
ok yey i'm happy you're updating this
it gives me a good hetero gaze fic to read haha

i still dont get why she cant at least call him matsumoto-san or something, i mean if you're uncomfortable with real names then fiiiine but you knoww its kinda personal and then i knew that if i was writing it i would use their real names (:

yey for updates anyway!!

awww i love this story so much!! i cant explain how much i want to find out, i find it really uncomfortable when i think of them in a sexual relationship or one with love for one another but i think the little kiss on the car was so cute! i loved that and then they're really close as well..

i noticed that Ruki only does the same thing and yet i dont find it boring or repetitive, just something i noticed, how come she: 1. keeps using -san or honorifics and 2. why doesn't she call him Takanori..or Taka...or something?

i was just curious, but i love the story and i cant wait for more 8D

I feel jealous of you, because your story is so great. I could feel the emotion, and it painted pictures in my head of everything because you described it so well. I wish I could say more, but I suck at making constructive comments :D I subscribed and I can't wait for more ;)

Aww...they're together now?!
That's adorable!
I like how friendly the band are!
Short, but sweet next chapter.
I love Ruki and Maddie, honestly, they're sweet!
WRITE MORE SOON!

That was amazing.
You really do convey emotions beautifully.
This story is amazing, and I cant wait for the next chapter.

Erin....
This is amazing. I wish I could write like you.
The emotions you've conveyed...I just want to break down in tears myself.
Why is Maddie questioing him? He's here cause he wants to be..

Keep writing Erin. You're brilliant at this.

Wow Erin.
Wow.
This is amazing. I absolutely loved it all.
You are an amazing writer. Ruki is such a nice guy and I wish him and Maddie could've been for her!
Plus, you've taught me some more japanese! :XD
I really do love this, you're an amazing writer.
More soon. (:

Story review game

I liked that you started this with a bit of dialog. I think that, if used correctly, it can really draw in the reader. Kind of jumping into the story at the seventh chapter, I found the last bit of the first paragraph also drew me in. The wording of the dialogue ( "I don't like being inside, I don't like being sick, and I don't like waiting to die.") was done very nicely, I think.

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I noticed that you use the word ‘and’ when adding to dialogue tags, but I think a better word would be ‘as’. Like here:

"I don't like being home, Ruki," she said, and she stared past the glass of the window,

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There’re quite a few run-on sentences and it becomes a bit overwhelming to read. Like here:

Ruki sighed, and he removed his sunglasses, sunglasses that he only wore for show, and set them aside, walking over to her and standing beside her, his bright eyes watching her dim ones scan the world outside.

^I think it would be a bit more effective if the sentence was broken down into smaller bits.

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he asked, and she turned to him, still supporting herself via the window frame but not as much

I think the term ‘via’ sounds too technical within this story. It stands out in a negative way.

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"Iie. Not like the others. They have their own path. You have to tread your own."

??? I’m not sure what you mean by ‘lie’ here, but it should be capitalized. Do you mean ‘lie’ as in ‘a lie’ or ‘lie’ as in something else?

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Hesitantly, she walked to his side, and he let his arm rest around her waist, walking with her to the door, opening it for her, walking her out to the porch, shutting the door, walking her down the steps, and then helping her into her mother's car.

Here’s another run-on sentence. While reading this bit, I thought it was unnecessary. There’s kind of a play by play feel to it and it just feels more like going through the motions, than actually telling a story.

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As I read, I notice that you use the phrase ‘outside world’ a few times. Initially I thought I understood what you meant by it – the guy, Ruki(?), was standing at the window, looking out to the ‘outside world’ – but the phrase has popped up again, and I’m sure I’ve misunderstood something.

Here: He smiled at her, and the light flashing in his eyes from the outside world convinced her to nod once, her expression, though tired, still dazed. I couldn’t understand what that bit meant.

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I also noticed that there are parts where you include dialogue from more than one person within a paragraph. I don’t know how much of a “rule” it is, but I think that if a different person is speaking, a new paragraph should be added. It’s supposed to make things much clearer and it also looks a bit neater.

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For most of this story you’ve got pretty great wording – great choice with the words you use and the way you order them – but here it gets a bit awkward:

Ruki was, at that moment, another man with no makeup or hairspray, out in the night with someone else, trying to enjoy the night.

It might be the fact that you use the word ‘night’ twice in such a small space or maybe the punctuation is off, but this sentence isn’t as effective as the others. Maybe just a bit of rewording would make it much better.

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When he calls her “Maddie-chan” that’s a term of affection, right? Or familiarity or something? I’m not familiar with the culture but I remember reading something like that. I just wanted to make sure I had it right.

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Uruha had said it all. But Ruki didn't need to.

I really liked this bit. I don’t know why, really. But I like the way it sounds – like you’re expressing more than your saying about the relationship between Ruki and Maddie (sorry if I’m getting the names here wrong). It works very well here.

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Even though I hadn’t read the entire story, I did enjoy this chapter.

Though there were bits that distracted me from the story itself, inconsistencies. For example, at the start you go through great lengths to get the point across that Maddie is in a very frail person, but at times the reaction of others around her don’t seem to match up. Like when Maddie is walking down the stairs and she clutches the stairwell. I would think that Ruki would get up much sooner than he had and meet her up the stairs to help her done. That’s a bit nitpicky, I know, but I just found it kind of strange. It happens again when they go to the park and he opens the door for her, but doesn’t help her lift her out of the car. I dunno, I just thought it was strange.

The description of the night they spent together was also very nice. The tranquil peace of it was displayed very well. I think the only part I didn’t enjoy was some of the descriptions. Sometimes it was a bit much and it brought very sweet moments from sweet to cliché and a bit overbearing.

Like some of the descriptions of Maddie’s feelings kind of felt overplayed, I think it would have been much better if it was a bit more muted. The repetition of how she felt took more away from the story than it added. – I’m not sure I’m being too clear and if I’m not, feel free to PM me and I’ll try to be more clear about it.

And some of the descriptions of the meteor shower was also too much, in my opinion. Too extravagant.

I think that the way you’ve portrayed these two character’s relationship was done very nicely – I liked that even though I hadn’t read the previous chapter I could still get a feel of them, I could still see the blurred lines of the relationship – the way they seem close but not in a completely open romantic way.

And I was happy that you provide the English translations in the author’s note – because I had no idea what the word for “I’m sorry” meant.

* That's it! Hope it was helpful. PM me if anything I said doesn't make sense. :D

Story/Review Game

Oh, oldschool computer, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways...

But really. Let me get back to business, even on his hunk of junk. This won't sound as...sweet as it would have yesterday, because I had a saved version of the start of my review on the OTHER computer and not here. So now I'm rushing through part of it.

Chapter Drei
H'okay, I've read nothing and I'm starting here coz you wanted me to. But I like that I can pick up right away on what seems to be going on at the start of the chapter. She was crying, and he was singing to soothe her? Something like that. Possibly the song 'Guren' (which should really have quotations or italics) but not necessarily. I like how deep and...what's the fucking word? Just from the beginning she has the effect that makes me think of a victim's voice and someone who strains to speak, even over the phone. One of those melting heart types, someone who knows death or pain awaits.

Cricket. Okay, if he was just singing to her, why would his voice be 'rough from lack of use'? Does not compute.

See, okay. I was right, I think. She's got that sound to her. Most people don't talk like that, but you can tell she's having a ~moment, so I like it. Of course, this is me talking here. I speak in metaphor, but I often stop myself from it because...well, nobody thinks like me. Seriously. I speak in poetry. But I'm getting off-track.

I think you focus a touch too much on her and not enough on him. You write so much more on her end of it and about what she does than you do for Ruki. For him it's just he questions, he sighs, he smiles. He could use a bit more oompf. Gotta balance it out.

:lmfao Let me pause and say that although karate and life has taught me that 'hai' means 'yes' in Japanese, it still makes me lol.

Okay, see, now it's more even on his end. But even over the phone, he needs more characterization imo. Then the part where the dreams 'encase' him, that sounds a bit odd to me. Dreams normally come across as being fluid and soft and all that sort of shit, but encase sounds like something hard and blocky, like, well, a suitcase. Maybe 'enveloped' or something would come across better.

I love the next paragraph, though.

Okay, one bit. This 'sleep was not as shaken' part. I understand the concept but I don't think that's phrased quite right. Something about it comes off a bit strange.

Chapter Vier
The pain of the music playing in the hospital room was obvious to him even as he approached the door from down the hallway = LOLWUT?
I do not comprehend that line. Whatsoever.

The fact that she's got no eyelashes is just :twitch:. I mean really.

And I'm loving these paragraphs. But while you know I like repetition, I'm not liking the double-use of 'quiet' in the second paragraph.

So, now I'm wondering. Her lips were trembling; does that mean she was speaking the words in italics? Or mouthing them? Hm. Oh, okay, okay. I wasn't aware she was sitting up. Maybe I just missed that part. I figured she was laying down, but maybe that's just the way the story was making me picture it.

I really don't have any criticism on the paragraphs. They're written very lovely-ly. :shifty But one bother. This one part goes 'stroking her hair, closing his eyes, imagining soft strands of hair beneath his fingers instead of bare, pale skin.', but you keep saying how she has no damn hair left. :lmfao So unless he's stroking some other part of her body, I'd fix that.

Okay. I'm not commenting on every little thing. But I adore the little game they're playing, lyrics back and forth. I don't know what any of it means, but you get the point across. It's all terribly sweet, and you know I love sad. It's almost like they're in love but it's not. Romance but not quite. Sort of just admiration and consolation but a twinge of more that they don't acknowledge or realize yet. You probably know it more than I do but I can't explain what I get from this atm.

Shit review. My bad.

Firstly, I'd like to apologize before hand. This review is probably going to be extremely short, I just got back from a day at Warped Tour and I'm about to pass out.

Okay.

I absolutely adore the title for this. I think it's so pretty and unique. It reminds me of something that would be a song, maybe.

In your summary I'm sort of iffy of how the first paragraph's entity is questions. I don't think you should ask too many questions of your readers, because than they may become overwhelmed trying to figure out all those questions that were thrust on them at once.

Leave the stressing to your characters. ;]

In your first chapter I feel as if in the beginning their should be less talking and more...setting. I always like to set the scenery before I launch into the story, but that's just a personal thing.

I like the ending of this chapter the most. And I also love her spunk. How she's so sure about herself even with the cancer.

Your descriptions were well done, aside from a few grammar issues and the like. But otherwise very well done.

The story is so good your heart aches and warmes at the same time. amazing.
write quickly women!

This story is beautiful and really emotional, just in the first two chapters. I love your writing style and how you're able to flow so easily from one character to another. I'll be waiting for the next chapter.

So emotional.
If I wasn't such a Heartless, I would cry.
I'll be waiting for the next chapter ~

Aww, it's so cute. And different, as well. I like that. A lot.
Ruki's such a gentleman. :tehe:
I love the way you ended the chapter too.
Stay forever. Stay with me.

This story has caught my interest.
I would love to see how it plays out.
Please update soon. <3