Ammie - Comments

Story review game

Prologue

The entire thing was gorgeous. You have included beautiful details that I had to read it a few times to make an actual review. :tehe:

The repetition of 'she' in the first paragraph bothered me.

"She had deathly pale skin...She was thin...She wasn’t anything special,she was far from it.She was never caught eating...She was messed up and hard to love."

I love repetition, but if you use it to much it becomes boring. Using two 'she's and then her names or another description would benefit it nicely.

"He took her face in his hands, and looked deeply into her eyes “I hope so,” he let go of her face and they just stood there staring at each other for a few minutes. Taking in everything that each other had..."

That has to be the start of the greatest paragraph ever. The detail and imagery was amazing and I could feel their love for one another

Chapter 1

This chapter was just as beautiful as the prologue. I love her feelings and thoughts on smoking; how she loves to watch the smoke dance and the feeling of smoking.

"The park itself was run down and no one really used it, except for the occasional drug user and teenagers getting drunk in the middle of the night. No children ever graced the parks presence and it sort of upset Amelia because she loved the park. She loved sitting on the swings for hours and just looking up into the sky. She felt weightless."

It's great to look into her mind every now and then, because her thoughts are beautiful as well as her feelings.

By taking the drugs and not eating, I get the feeling that she doesn't care about what happens to her/her body. She acts so naive towards it, it makes me really sad.

Great story so far.

I love this update so much Polly
This story is super amazing
I hope you get to update again soon

Story Review Game

(I’ve left this a day so I’m determined to make this damn good. :con:)

Introduction

The introduction instantly makes you feel sorry for Amelia, and you wonder what’s wrong with her, if anything. And I absolutely adore the last line.

What happens when perfect isn't good enough?

Prologue

I know it sounds weird but as I read the line: He wrapped his arms around her tiny waist, smothering his face in her curly brown hair inhaling the scent of her vanilla shampoo I actually could smell vanilla :tehe:

She was never caught eating, and never caught without a smile on her face. She was messed up and hard to love. Again you feel some sympathy for her, and it sort of gives you that ‘Awwww’ feeling, sure did for me.

. . .breathing in the intoxicating smell once more. It was homely to him He thinks that she is home more or less, good romantic effect you’re trying to give.

The last part of the second paragraph made me ‘Awww’ again, the fact that he wants her to be healthy and happy but she could only be one or the other, nice ultimatum going on there.

they knew that they belonged together and they knew that nothing could ever tear them apart. No person or disorder could ruin them. I like the fact that you use ‘person or disorder’ two words I never thought I’d see in the same sentence, but it works, you made it work perfectly, as every other word in this story does. Every letter; word, sentence and paragraph just fits.

so fragile and thin he couldn’t help but frown slightly. Showing how much he cares about her, that she’s unhealthy which makes him initially unhappy to see her like that; again showing the love between them. (And the layout is epic btw)

Chapter 1

He had this uncontrollable urge to touch her, like if he didn’t keep touching her she wouldn’t exist and she would disappear into thin air like fairy dust. An incredible start to the chapter - very gripping. But when the smoke danced in the air she couldn’t help but feel her heart swell a little bit. Great imagery, I could just imagine my brother smoking and watching the smoke dance into the night. Already half way through chapter 1 I already have a mental image of Amelia, as this skinny teenager free as a bird and happy, which is what a story should do.

“Wow,” she giggled staring up into space, and grinning widely. Finley relaxed a little and joined her in looking up into the night sky. It was dark now and the stars were shining brightly. He placed the little packet in his pocket, ready to throw away later. He took hold of Amelia’s hand and she giggled quietly and snuggled up into his chest leaving a couple shaped patch on the bed of broken glass. I loved that last paragraph, more so that the introduction, it’s just so. . . Perfect. leaving a couple shaped patch on the bed of broken glass. I don’t think I will ever forget that line, it made me smile and frown at the same time, it gives you so many different thoughts., like positivity (not even sure if that’s a word) and negativity combined. The ultimate line to end it on, anyone who doesn’t want to read on after that must be insane.

Loved this. Cannot wait for more.

(Sorry if this sounds complete shite, I tried, and I mean everything I've said:shifty)

For The Story Review Game:

Prolouge

his face in her curly brown hair inhaling the scent of her vanilla shampoo. She always smelled of vanilla and cigarettes,

Great sensory imagery, it gives us detail of the scene.

She had deathly pale skin with light green eyes. She was thin, almost skeletal and bones stuck out in places they really shouldn’t.

This makes me wonder is she sick like does she have a eating disorder. Is she a vampire searching for blood it makes me wonder.

nd it was perfect, looking into each other’s eyes, they knew that they belonged together and they knew that nothing could ever tear them apart. No person or disorder could ruin them

Favorite Line it is a kinda romantic thing, kinda shows he will stick by her no matter what.

He looked down at her delicate body, so fragile and thin he couldn’t help but frown slightly.

I loved how you ended the chapter with this. Gives us mystery also I love how you described her body which usually happens when one is anorexic.

As for Grammer so far I found no mistakes.

Chapter 1

She reached into her bag and pulled out a lighter and pack of cigarettes. She took one out from the box, slowly and put it into her mouth lighting the cigarette and watching the flame flicker and then burn out. She took a long drag and blew out the smoke, watching it escape into the air, dancing. She loved watching the smoke dance in the air, it was probably one of the only reasons she started smoking. She didn’t care much for the taste or smell, but when the smoke danced in the air she couldn’t help but feel her heart swell a little bit.

What poetic way to describe cigarette smoke. And as a smoker myself I agree. But it was beautiful.

Finely is very romantic I love how you describe the ways he loves to protect her. I enjoyed what you had so far and I hope to see more soon

I like the title. I like that it's simple and just a name(I think).

The layout is veeery pretty and readable which earns you kudos because I hate when there's too much going on in a layout. :)

I didn't find any spelling errors or anything wrong with the prologue. I very much like how it's written I think it's very sweet. I almost pity Finley. I always have pitied boys or girls who date unhealthy people. People who feel like their perfect when it's quite obvious they're ill.

I also pity Ammie, the fact that she feels she has to be unhealthy to be happy. That's a very sad fact. You did very well on keeping the feel of the story sort of..pitiful for the two characters, which to me, it well done. :)

I don't have time to review the first chapter because I have to go to work. But once I get back I'll do it if you'd like. :)

Story/Review Game

Summary:
I adore the layout. It looks beautiful. I'm jealous of people who have nice layouts, so curse you. :)

The summary is good, meaning no grammar issues or any thing of that sort. And I think the first two paragraphs are fine, there's nothing I find wrong with them. They grab your attention, they intrigue the reader.

But the question at the end seems completely out of place. It just doesn't fit the tone of the summary at all. So maybe either get rid of it completely, or just change it up. *shrug*

Prologue:
You've got some lovely ideas and descriptive words.

But some of it doesn't exactly flow together so well. I think if maybe you phrased something differently it would sound that much better.

I love your imagery, they're magnificent. They're truly captivating and interesting and they make the reader want more.

I didn't really notice any grammar issues, but don't take my word on it, I suck with punctuation and the like.

I adore the way your describe the relationship between Finley and Amelia. It's just so perfect and cute, it's not so cute that it's nauseating but cute to the point where even I would say awe.

Overall this is lovely. I would love to read more of it. Keep it up dear. :)

Story/Review Game.

First off, pretty pretty layout; it attracts the reader's attention. The colors are bright and airy, and I really like it :tehe:

Anyway, your starting sentence is lovely;

He had this uncontrollable urge to touch her, like if he didn’t keep touching her she wouldn’t exist and she would disappear into thin air like fairy dust.

It has that faint, capivating air of repetition and the imagery is gorgeous.

As I read on, I couldn't help but be absorbed in Amelia's character. Yes, she smokes and does drugs, but she's not cliche and angsty, rather, free-willed and happy; her attitude shows a new side to these things. And what girl couldn't like Finley? He seems so sweet and caring and just wants the best for Amelia :tehe:

Although your story has a rather serious topic, you make it so pretty and breezy and sweet, so no one really can get sick of it. It's nice how you don't make Amelia beg or cry to get Finley to do it, it keeps her in character; she just seems strong and independent to me. Usually it's a male character that has these qualities, but it's nice to see you've given them to a girl.

It's a great start, and although some sentences could use a touch of revising, the story is overall beautiful, good job!

Story Review Game

Your first sentence was amazing, if I do say so myself. He had this uncontrollable urge to touch her, like if he didn’t keep touching her she wouldn’t exist and she would disappear into thin air like fairy dust.That was just amazing. I don't know what about it grabbed me so; but it did. The imagery is just gorgeous.

Kissing for them was as important as breathing and Amelia often craved his lips on hers. Awh, how adorable. Though, think the flow is a little off in this sentence. It kind of all comes out together when you read it, and I think between 'and' & 'Amelia' there should be some kind of punctuation to cause a pause so it isn't so jumbled together. That just might be me though.

-flame flicker and then burn out. …… her heart swell a little bit.That whole bit and everything was another great piece of imagery. You definitely have a talent for imagery & description!

Amelia is such a unique name. I loved it. Finley is very unique too, it made me giggle. I should also mention how I loved the layout.

“I wish you wouldn’t smoke those things,” ……….. “I don’t need protecting.” This seemed to be a bit cliché, but very well played cliché.

She loved sitting on the swings for hours and just looking up into the sky. She felt weightless. I can relate to Amelia. I love swings with a passion for the very same reason.

I really liked how relatable you made your characters. I love when I can feel like someone’s character and I could be friends. It makes me a whole lot more interested. Though, in some parts some things came out a little over-used. However, that’s hard to avoid, so it’s not your fault.

A girl tempting a boy with drugs is something I haven’t seen much of though. I really liked that. It always seems like in stories that the boy has to do it first. I like reading where it’s turned. I admire how he was going to get rid of it instead of taking it like I presumed.

I did like it quite a lot!

Story/Review Game :]

I just realised it's a prologue and quite short, so if this review is too short I'm really sorry ):

The Summary:
Some people question whether she was dropped on her head as a child... I'll admit, I laughed out loud at that. I'm silly, I know. :tehe:

She's hard to love, but Finley loves her anyway. I usually love repetition, but it doesn't really work for me here? :think: I don't think you should have mentioned that she has to go to mental institutions in the summary, I would have preferred to read on and found that out, but that's just me.

I really liked your summary. I already hope Finley will still love her when she returns, and I'm wanting to know what's wrong with her, etc. Also, your banner is adorable :3 I have no idea if it ties in with your story, but it's just really nice.

Prologue:
She always smelled of vanilla and cigarettes, it was an unsual combination but for her it worked. The last part of the sentence seemed a bit awkward. Maybe it would flow better if it was 'but it worked for her'? I like the idea that even though it's a weird blend of smells, she still manages to pull it off.

She was an unusual girl; she had curly hair of several shades of brown which flowed down just past her shoulders. I'm a little confused. :shifty I would have thought her hair would make her sort of... normal? It doesn't seem that unusual to me. You've also mentioned her hair in the first sentence. I know that this time you mentioned the length, but it just seems a bit... forced and out of place? She was thin, almost skeletal and bones stuck out in placed they really shouldn't. I think there should be a comma between 'skeletal' and 'and'. But idk, I read things weird sometimes.

"Amelia," he started to talk before pausing to think about how he was going to word his sentence, he flicked his head to move his ashy blonde hair out of his eye, "will you ever eat in front of me?" I love your characterisation. It's realistic and I can definitely imagine someone having to pause and push their hair out of their eyes :] However, I think the sentence as a whole is a bit run-on and you should maybe break it up with a full stop?

I like how you've described her scent as 'intoxicating', as though it's so strong it engulfs him as he hugs her. It's obvious how much Finley cares for Amelia, and I love relationships like that :]

Amelia seems to confident, and she seems to be able to wind Finley around her little finger. :tehe: When she whispers "I always am" it's as though she's saying it for her own benefit, as well as Finley's. As though she wants to convince herself that she'll be okay, no matter how badly she recks her body.

he let go of her face and they just stood there staring at each other for a few minutes. I have no idea why I love this, but I do. It seems so.. romantic and lovely. :3

He looked down at her delicate body, so fragile and thin he couldn't help but frown slightly. I feel so sorry for Finley here. He just wants to look after Amelia, and she's not making it very easy for him.

Overall, I really like this piece. I'm going to subscribe, btw :] I'd love to see you develop your descriptions. Sorry for the crap review, my mum came home early so I had to rush the end, I'm sorry. Any problems, pm me. :cute:
xoxo

A beautiful start Polly Pocket
I love this so far
The layout suites the story well :tehe:
I can't wait for more, I really can't