November 26th, 2009 at 10:04pm
My face was like :shock: the whole time reading this.
This was well written, but it scared the shit out of me. :tehe:
But yes...I liked it. :XD
321 Breakdown - Comments
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July 30th, 2009 at 07:38pm
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Holy shit, that was amazing. It made me shiver in fear and anticipation. That Jason is a psycho..... The description was absolutely fantastic and the italics made me go :weird.
What a breakdown. :tehe:July 30th, 2009 at 07:23pm -
Jesus Christ, this scares the shit out of me but it's a little bit amazing a little bit perfect and totally psychotic. I shivered.
Yeah, that was definitely a breakdown :weird
And it was beautiful too.
I especially loved the italics. :tehe:July 30th, 2009 at 06:19pm -
that was brilliantly written
well done.July 30th, 2009 at 12:45pm -
I liked this a lot :cheese:.
It was so well written, honest.
Your an amazing writer :cute:.
I was hooked on your story from the get go.July 30th, 2009 at 04:55am -
When the link from the Story Review Game opened right into the first chapter, I thought that was the summary! :cheese: But after reading the real summary, I must admit that it didn't tell me a whole lot about the story. You may have been going for a kind of mystery air, which is totally cool, but I would have liked to know a little more about the story. However, at the same time, it does have that kind of scary undertone and you can tell off the bat that it isn't going to be a fluffy, cutesy story, so kudos on getting that across with the few words there.
I like how you're using 2nd Person POV in this story, (at least I think that's what it's called.) I rarely see this and it can be really effective when used properly. I really liked that first paragraph, especially since it's written in present tense. That's usually how I write and I don't see it too often as well. But I love the last line, waded through the fog of your faux virtue. That is a really well written line.
All I had to do was pay attention to that goddamn cheating shit’s Matt’s new behavior, his long, long time away. To me, that line would have sounded better if you took the apostrophe and s off of shit. It doesn't sound right to me, especially with Matt's right after it.
In the third paragraph, after the words pretty throat, there should be a comma so that it doesn't all run together. That problem happens again in the next paragraph. I think there should be a comma after the words too bad, or you could make the italics into a sentence of their own.
My, you're eyes. I believe that should be your instead of you're. And I think the italics in the first few paragraphs were overused a little. It kind of takes away from their effectiveness.
Your smilies are really good however. I really liked the indigo sequin orbs line; it really gave me a good picture in my mind of how pretty the woman's eyes were.
To be honest, the narrator seems a little androgynous to me. I believe it was meant to be a woman but for some reason, I get the vibe that it could also be a man. I do like how (up to the part I've read) you haven't revealed their gender. It let's us decide on our own. Personally, I see it as a man.
A nice little razor blade; the better to stab you with my dear. I think this line could have been worded a little better, as I don't think razor blades really stab people. And once again, a little overuse of italics on the line.
Ah, so it was a male character. Now I like that twist, it kind of makes the story a little more twisted with the background leading up to it. And to be honest, although I know we're capable of it, I couldn't imagine a woman acting this way.
With the very last line, there should have been a space between 3-2-1 and breakdown.
I thought this was a pretty good story though. It wasn't as gruesome as I thought it would be and I actually applaud you for that. When some people try to write gore in their stories, it turns into just a blood fest and it's awkward to read. I know this from having done it before. :shifty
You have a very good way with smilies and description but I'll mention the overuse of italics again. So many words were italicized that I wasn't really feeling the effect they were meant to have. This was good though, written fairly well and I liked how you gave us the briefest background, just so that the narrator wasn't a random face inflicting random violence. Plus, the use of second person POV was done quite well and I think it was the best choice for this one-shot.
:cute:July 30th, 2009 at 04:50am
Very well written, good job =]