Don't Let Go - Comments

That was really great. :)
I love the way you wrote it.
It was pretty sad to, got me emotional at the end.
Really great job.

Glamophonic:

I love the whole idea for this story, it's really amazing. Also I love the way that you set it up, how it went through the years with her and her father.

The first part is amazing. It has excellent flow and a very well developed voice. You really captured the little girl's excitement. I love how Tamara would be excited and then want to cry and then be excited again, all in an instant. I just loved how you did that. Also, when the lady let her on the ride even though she was too short, that just added this great realistic sense. You did really well with the dialog too. The dialog is natural and flows nicely.

The next part has this really great melancholy undertone to it. You make this shift from excitement to sadness, but it was really natural. Even when you transitioned to the next part, it still flowed very well. I love how you mentioned the sparkle in the dad's eyes. Also, how the father pushed her to flirt with the boy at the ride, I loved that. It showed his compassion for her to be happy without just saying it. But the dialog seems kind of off here. It doesn't seem to come as naturally, maybe if you altered what Blake said it would flow better. When he said "S-sure, I'd love to." it just seems weird for someone to say I'd love to after having a girl just introduce herself. Maybe if you mentioned somewhere that he had noticed her, it would make more sense for him to say that. Or if he came off as hesitant when agreeing to the date, it would be more realistic.

The next paragraph it doesn't seem to flow as well as the other parts. It seems almost out of place. I love how she ended up marrying Blake, though. It's really cute. I think the beginning and ending of that paragraph could be altered a bit. Maybe you could add some things to make it have more voice or detail. It just seems like something is missing there. :think:

The next part is better and it flows better. Something seems weird about the nurse saying I'm afraid he's slipped into remission quite awfully. The wording is sort of off. Also, I think you could have combined this part and the next one. It makes it seem almost choppy because both parts are all dialog, even though the dialog does flow really well.

The ending paragraph is done really well. It was really sad, but it pulled everything to a nice end. I love how "Don't let go." is the last line in the whole story. It has a sense of irony because of how she said that when she was seven. I just love the last paragraph so much. :yah

Overall, it was a very good read. It kept my attention throughout the entire story. It, also, maintained that melancholy sense all the way to end. The only thing I think you could work on would be little details, I could picture everything in my head, but some details just weren't mentioned.

But, you are a very good writer. It was a genius plot and the way you set it up was amazing. The characters were very well developed too. Good luck in the contest. :cute:

Edit:
I love the extra details that you added. It perfected everything. The second part was much better. It had more flow, and the dialog was better. Again, the little details made it clearer to picture everything.

I still think the part about the marriage doesn't flow as much as it could. I don't know...:think: And it looks kind of weird because it's just one big paragraph.

The next part was fantastic. I really loved it. Especially how you described his skin. It was just perfect. It was tragic, but so well written.

Since you edited it, is has more flow and the dialog is even better. Tamara seems more developed and the relationship between is spot on, along with Blake and his relationship with her.

:crazy: Thanks Katie. :arms:

I love the whole idea for this story, it's really amazing. Also I love the way that you set it up, how it went through the years with her and her father.

The first part is amazing. It has excellent flow and a very well developed voice. You really captured the little girl's excitement. I love how Tamara would be excited and then want to cry and then be excited again, all in an instant. I just loved how you did that. Also, when the lady let her on the ride even though she was too short, that just added this great realistic sense. You did really well with the dialog too. The dialog is natural and flows nicely.

The next part has this really great melancholy undertone to it. You make this shift from excitement to sadness, but it was really natural. Even when you transitioned to the next part, it still flowed very well. I love how you mentioned the sparkle in the dad's eyes. Also, how the father pushed her to flirt with the boy at the ride, I loved that. It showed his compassion for her to be happy without just saying it. But the dialog seems kind of off here. It doesn't seem to come as naturally, maybe if you altered what Blake said it would flow better. When he said "S-sure, I'd love to." it just seems weird for someone to say I'd love to after having a girl just introduce herself. Maybe if you mentioned somewhere that he had noticed her, it would make more sense for him to say that. Or if he came off as hesitant when agreeing to the date, it would be more realistic.

The next paragraph it doesn't seem to flow as well as the other parts. It seems almost out of place. I love how she ended up marrying Blake, though. It's really cute. I think the beginning and ending of that paragraph could be altered a bit. Maybe you could add some things to make it have more voice or detail. It just seems like something is missing there. :think:

The next part is better and it flows better. Something seems weird about the nurse saying I'm afraid he's slipped into remission quite awfully. The wording is sort of off. Also, I think you could have combined this part and the next one. It makes it seem almost choppy because both parts are all dialog, even though the dialog does flow really well.

The ending paragraph is done really well. It was really sad, but it pulled everything to a nice end. I love how "Don't let go." is the last line in the whole story. It has a sense of irony because of how she said that when she was seven. I just love the last paragraph so much. :yah

Overall, it was a very good read. It kept my attention throughout the entire story. It, also, maintained that melancholy sense all the way to end. The only thing I think you could work on would be little details, I could picture everything in my head, but some details just weren't mentioned.

But, you are a very good writer. It was a genius plot and the way you set it up was amazing. The characters were very well developed too. Good luck in the contest. :cute:

Edit:
I love the extra details that you added. It perfected everything. The second part was much better. It had more flow, and the dialog was better. Again, the little details made it clearer to picture everything.

I still think the part about the marriage doesn't flow as much as it could. I don't know...:think: And it looks kind of weird because it's just one big paragraph.

The next part was fantastic. I really loved it. Especially how you described his skin. It was just perfect. It was tragic, but so well written.

Since you edited it, is has more flow and the dialog is even better. Tamara seems more developed and the relationship between is spot on, along with Blake and his relationship with her.