August 27th, 2009 at 06:30am
Story Review Game
I thought your story was lovely. You used sophisticated words and had the characters speak in a way that our generation could understand, but also in a way that was relevant to the time period. A lot of the time, when writing story set in this time period, one gets caught up in the old language and doesn't pay attention to structure, which is not something you had a problem with.
I think the story sounds interesting, and I probably will continue reading it. You have managed to make me show interest in something that I usually would not care for, which any good writer can do.
You did very well with starting the story. Despite the fact that it was a sequel, I could still understand what was going on without reading the prequel, and that is always a good quality for a story to have.
There were some minor mistakes. I think there was a coma or two left out, Like when she said “I would love to Mi Amor.” I believe there should be a coma before Mi Amor because that is a direct address, but that's not a big deal.
One thing that I would like to point out is this sentence, "Thomas smiled and linked arms with Katherine. They quickly walked out into the sunlight. They kept a slow pace so Thomas could keep up."I think that this sentence is a little contradictory. It says that they quickly walked, but then it says they kept a slow pace. I think the adverb, 'quickly' should be left out in this case.
I noticed some other small things, but astronaut already pointed them out.
I really don't have anything to point out in the second chapter. I think it's brilliant, this whole story. I will definitely be reading the whole thing when I get the chance.
First off, I feel that pretty much anything I could say has been said already in the other two reivews you've recieved for this story, but I'll try anyway, as I only skimmed over those two, so. :XD
Okay. So. I always, always look at the layout first. I always make a comment about the layout, because I really feel the layout sets the tone for the whole story. If the layout is bad and unprofessional, I think much the same of the story without reading it. I do like your layout, very much. It's clean and smart and good. The text was a little small, but that's because I have shitty eyes and nothing at all to do with your layout.
I don't much like that there wasn't a real summary. Like, there was the stuff you had in the summary, but it wasn't an actual summary, get me? :XD Maybe I don't understand because I've not read its prequel, though.
I'm not sure if its already been pointed out, but "Katherine of Aragon found that, what happened to the love of her life Sir Thomas More, to be an advantage and a disadvantage. As she sat by the window in the Chelsea estate she contemplated what has happened between them." Isn't quite correct.
It's a clever paragraph, indeed, but reading it a few times, I feel there should have been no 'that' and no comma, after Katherine of Aragon found... and also, there probably should have been a comma between 'estate' and 'she'.
In the second paragraph, I think the word 'snuggle' seemed a little out of place. I don't know. It just didn't really seem to fit the whole thing, do you get me?
I think in, "Then came the disadvantages of Thomas’ ordeal. All of which drove Katherine crazy." there could have been a comma rather than a period, or even a semi-colon maybe, because the period gives it a feeling of disjointedness, and makes me feel as if they're two completely different things.
I do like this, it's a curious story, but there's quite a few errors in it gramatically, I think you probably should have had someone look over it before it was posted, but generally it was quite good. :D