Tempest in a Teacup - Comments

Hey you there! Update more please. I love this story and I've been dying to get to a good part for awhile. I will be eternally grateful!

“Land. I'd never been so happy in my life to see it.”

:XD That was the perfect way to start this chapter. After being on the ocean for a week if he would have said anything else I’d be surprised. I really like the way you wrote this sentence with the word ‘land’ isolated like that. It makes the sentence seem more anxious.

“The hustle and bustle of the small port town excited me. I could hear all different kinds of accents; British, Irish, French.”

I love the fact you used language as the first thing to describe something foreign to him.

This line was a great follow up to all the things he’s just thought. I now have this picture of an excited boy leaning over the railings of a boat with an excited expression on his face, a suitcase in his hand, and he’s admiring the land in front of him with the wind blowing his hair. It’s a really nice picture to have.

“I asked around and figured out that I'd have to take the train to London, but it was in the next town and that it only came once, and in the morning.”

There always has to be some complication when you’re trying to do something like that. I think adding a little problem like this in the story makes it seem more realistic.

“So I went to a bar and had a beer.”

What else would he have done? :XD I love we get to see a little average normalcy to Brendon by making him go to a bar. It’s a nice transition from the whole ‘boy who’s only twenty and has already left his home country and whatnot.’

“Anyway, these girls were prostitutes.”

I wasn’t expecting that. It’s a good twist considering how you described this as being a beautiful town. I like you added in this small scene to the story.

“But here it was mild. There were some clouds in the sky and the wind was slow. It felt like fall back home. I liked it.”

So he’s just got to a new country and I like that you took the time for him to reminisce about everything.

“Most of them were just scribbled fantasies.”

I really really love how you called them ‘scribbled fantasies.’

Nice second chapter, I really enjoyed reading this story and as I said before I plan on reading the rest of it as soon as I get a chance. :mrgreen:

The layout is really eye catching. I especially like the fact that it matches the banner and fits the theme of your story. And you did an amazing job with the summary. I can’t wait to start reading this story, it seems really captivating already.

Chapter one:

”I didn't know how this was happening.”

After the amazing summary the opening lines weren’t as good as I expected them to be. Well, it’s mainly this line, I don’t like this was the way you described his feelings while he played. It sounds like a line someone would use when they find out they have super powers instead of someone finding out they have talent. I think it may have been better is you said something like, “I let my fingers fly over the keys, memorizing each note that was higher or lower than the last. I tried matching them up with a rhyme in my head and soon enough a soft pattern was drifting through the room.” Those sentences could probably use a little revising, but I was mainly just using them as an example.

Other than that line, starting the story with Brendon playing music for the first time was a really good idea. I like that we get a little more insight on how he started playing instead of just setting the story up with him already being a talented musician.

”I stopped for a moment just to push her off the bench.”

:lmfao This line made me crack up. I think it’s a good way to show he’s at least kind of serious about playing music considering he won’t share the piano. (Either that or he‘s possessive … Or maybe even both.)

“I fell in love with music that day, and I was never the same.”

I’m really really like this line.

“Her blue eyes looked sad.”

I love how you mention her eyes when Peggy comes up in the story, and how that’s her most predominant trait. Blue eyes always makes me think of a really soft natured person, which she seems to be.

“See when mom died of tuberculosis a few years ago she took it real hard.”

I really like how you mentioned the death of their mother, that’s usually a life changing thing and I think it’s important that you mentioned that right before Brendon went off to earn a name for himself and mentioning Peggy acts more mature now.

“So we went to New York for a change. That's where mom had told us that dad lived.”

Again, wow, these lines are really well written. This was a great reasoning for them to go to New York. It’s kind of heartbreaking at the same time. I’m starting to see two characters that might’ve had to grow up too fast.

"Peggy are you gonna be okay?" I asked, gripping the handle of the suitcase so hard my palm started to sweat.”

Aw, it’s nice to see how much they care for each other before he leaves. Especially since we know he’s going to kind of “forget” about her later on in the story.

“I gave her everything I could because she was all I had.”

Again, just wow. Brendon seems like such a sweet guy.

“Whatever paid the bills, right?”

This is a really good foreshadowing line, I think. It ones of those things that you’ll probably think about him saying somewhere in the future of this story.

“She wore bright red. All day, every day. She said people might think she was an actress then. I thought she was silly, but I also say it's alright to dream.”

Again, I see these two heartbroken kids who have already had to lead hard lives and grow up a little too fast. I’m really glad that this was the thought he had about his sister right before the boat took off.

“I was twenty years old. It was time to make a name for myself, time to get a real job, time to fall in love with a pretty European girl.”

I love that this is what he plans to do when he gets there. :tehe:

Overall, this seems like a really good story and I after I review the next chapter I plan to read the rest of it. The only thing that bothered me was that first line.

This is amazing.
I've never read story that took place in the past, but I have to say, I love it.
It's original, and not to mention, Ryden is incredibly hawt. :XD
I love this!
And the layout is amazing also.

I love where this is going...

Yes! The transformation is complete! Amazing can't wait to his sprial back to earth? I sure hope so, at least.

Updates are yummeh.

Adam Young.:

You should update soon
:twitch:

^See what you're doing to me?

I just updated like.. two hours ago..

You should update soon
:twitch:

^See what you're doing to me?

Yes, I claimed this story again – I’m going to review Chapter Eight as I’ve already reviewed Chapter Seven :tehe:

Story/Review game.

I’m going to give you honest opinions on all the aspects of this story from the layout down to the way the story is written, just so you know. I hope you find this review useful and don’t hate me for it. :tehe:

I warn you know, I’m a reviewer who quotes a lot of the story to get my point through, I just hope you don’t mind that.

I Love Your Face.

The next day I was sitting at band practice.

I’m sorry but I find this opening very, tedious. Maybe you could make it a little more exciting somehow. :think:

["So how was your first London tart?" Sykes elbowed me.

This line just made me :lmfao – I have no idea why but it just did. I like how the conversation being thrown around is very casual even though they’re talking about Brendon getting laid for what I can only assume to be the first time :tehe:

["You must've been good then," Tommy laughed.

Again, I love how casual this is. It’s funny, it’s cheeky and it makes me giggle and feel embarrised for poor Brendon :tehe:

My whole body was hot from this talk. I didn't like it.

The emotion shown here was simple and light – perfect for Brendon’s character :cute:

I knew my life was spiralling downhill. I was watching them have sex. God, what was wrong with me?

That’s kinda really, really sick yet the thought is hot... Brendon spying on Ryan whilst he’s getting laid... hum... yup, that’s hot.

I wanted Tessa, I wanted her to be submissive to my every whim. I wanted her to scream out my name like a whore but really, deeply, love me.

And I wanted Ryan. I wanted him to do every little thing to me to make me scream like Tessa did. I wanted him to show me things I could never even fantasize about. I wanted him to fuck me.

I think Brendon is maybe thinking a little too deeplying into his sex life, or in better terms, Ryan and Tessa’s...

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Okay, so I really enjoyed this chapter. We got more of an insight into Brendon’s life as a musician and his thoughts and feelings towards Ryan and Tessa. I like the idea of how you structured this chapter – It’s well written and the reader can understand it well.

:cute: You know what to do if you’re not happy with my review x

Ooooh! I do rather adore this. XD
Tessa isn't as stupid as I thought. O.o

Tessa and Brendon should have sex.

I've done two, but not the whoring because I am so lazy.. I don't even whore my own. XD

I joined the contest two. :]

Anyway...
I do rather adore this sooooo much. It's so different to everything else and I love the characters. What's wrong with Tessa? :(

The last sentence of that chapter made me laugh.

No prob :cute:

Thanks Anna for teh spelling fixations. :cute:

OICU WHORING MY BROWNIES.

Some con-crit:

In chapter 6, you wrote She looked at him lovingly. "Oh I was telling Brendon about how I you might go to your silly little club tonight. I was wondering if you'd take him along."
It should probably "telling Brendon about how you and I might go" I you doesn't make sense.

In chapter 7, you wrote "I don't think so," Ryan replied and took a sip of his drink. "But if you come back in an hour after we've had a few drinks, you never know," he gave the blonde a suggestive glance and I nearly through up.
Through should be spelled threw.

Chapter 2, you wrote A few girls came over to the table where I sat and asked if I wanted to dance. It was then I noticed that off in the corner there was a violinist and an acordianist. I can play the acordian very well, but before that, I didn't know how to play the violin.
Accordion is spelled like that, and then, accordionist.

That's just what I saw. But it was good, very lovely, much better than I expected. I'm subscribing.
(And you might want to check the pimping and reccing thread...:tehe:)

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I like :D
*subscribes*

Brenny has the hots for Ryan? And some random whore?
Haha, but oh man, you have no idea how much I love this.
It's so unique and<3
This is my favorite story, ever.