Burn. - Comments

Great story horrible ending. I almost cried. I loved them together.

This is so amazing. I love all the details. And especially the ending.
I think you're probably one of my favourite authors on here. :)
I love your stories, and now I just have to read the rest. xD

I’m writing this as I read, so my opinions of the characters etc. may change as I go along (:

Awh, I think the beginning of this story is really cute. Where they’re both sitting on the balcony; for some reason I imagine this in the evening when the sun is setting, which creates a really romantic mood – although maybe that’s just me. I think it’s really good, because just stating they’re together on the balcony (and exchanging “I love you’s”) would trigger the imagination of the reader, and get them thinking about the scenario, the mood, the characters – and this is always a good thing.

I love the way Gerard goes from talking about how Bert wasn’t being a great boyfriend not helping him get sober to talking about how amazed he is by this beautiful man in two sentences. I think it’s great because in real life, nobody feels JUST one emotion. I think it makes it seem more realistic and makes Bert and Gerard more human – the reader can relate much more.

He smirked, his lips hugging is cigarette loosely. For some reason, this sentence really jumped out at me (although, is it meant to say “his cigarette”?) I don’t know why, but the way you described this, I really think is amazing. I think it’s perfect you used the word ‘hugging’ to describe it at such an intimate moment; I think it really adds to the scene.

Awh, that was so sad. It’s clever how you went from them having such an intimate moment, to breaking up. It’s really juxtaposed, and therefore I think it makes it much more sad than it would have been without it. However, if there was something I had to change, I would probably have made the actual break up a bit longer, I think it would have been more effective.

I thought this was really good. I think the prompt was used well and I could completely imagine Bert saying that and watching, while Gerard is panicking about his possessions – or his art work. One thing I would recommend, though, is using paragraph spacing as for one, it’s a Mibba rule, but stories that don’t have spacing between paragraphs often put many people off reading the story – so you may gain some fans (:

ZombieBeth x