December 17th, 2009 at 07:27am
Story review game
First off, let me say that the layout for this story is lovely. There's something about it that I adore and the colours really seem to match what you've written.
On the whole I really enjoyed this story. The plot was sweet and the time lapses were very well done which would be difficult to do with a lot one after the other.
Your sentence structure was interesting, if a little hard to read at times. Most of them were a bit too long but it actually helped to create an easy, slow pace which seems fitting, even though the timeline goes by really fast. You mixed in short sentences with the long ones as well so that's a plus.
There were just a few things that I think you could do to improve this story:
He buys his cauldron and his robes and his potion ingredients and his wand in Diagon Alley, with money the goblins at Gringotts begrudgingly exchanged for muggle money. - This sentence was very awkward to read because of all the and's and the use of the word money twice in one breath made it a little odd.
They were to be cleaning the stone walls of random potions stuff that ended up on there, that night. - I had to read this one a few times to understand what you were trying to say. It's fine but I think that you should put 'that night' at the beginning of the sentence to help it flow more easily.
He flicks his wand once and the quill spins in the air once - There isn't anything technically wrong with this sentence but I stumbled over the double use of once.
Anyway, this story is practically perfect. The entire thing, as you summarised with the very last word, was bittersweet. Even though I gathered that the characters are from a band, I felt like they truly belonged at Hogwarts.
Well done. :)
Joe seemed so sweet there in the end, but obviously, if he meant anything and actually wanted something with Faris', he wouldn't have waited until the place was empty.
I found the summary quite engaging. It was short and simply but easily portrayed a sense a mystery that had me intrigued from the very beginning. I especially loved the final phrase: " Lumos. It's electric when they meet, and for the years they remain friends. But things change.Nox." It had me immediately fretting over who exactly 'they' are.
Your sentence structure is really interesting and I can't quite place a finger on what published work it reminds me off. I thoroughly enjoy it. Some of the longer sentences tend to be a bit wordy and confusing though and forced me to read over them a couple of times to make sense of them. To remedy this, you could try reading them aloud just to make sure they have an even flow. That seems to help me when I get stuck on phrasing but it's totally up to you.
I commend you on your use of character names in this piece mainly 'Faris' and 'Badwan'. They're both highly unusual and exotic sounding names but they easily suit the tone and atmosphere of this work and the magical world.
I found the character of 'Faris' particularly interesting because his style of narration (I assume, he is the one narrating as he appears to be the main character) is almost childlike in a way? He describes things softly and honestly. I liked how you portrayed him as kind of naive - when he didn't know what a mudblood was'. It makes his character overall seem very gentle, shy and yet still likable. I found this sentence: "Faris squeaks, somewhere in the back of his throat and flails his limbs, the ones that seemed to have gotten ten feet longer over the summer and more like spaghetti than ever." particularly cute.
"Joe doesn’t offer to walk his date, merely kisses her cheek and says he’ll owl her. He won’t." That sentence made me laugh out loud.
At first, after skimming through the entire story before I actually read it, I was unsure of all the time elapses but as I read they seemed to slot in smoothly and I liked the way you left out the pieces of irrelevant information to focus foremost on the characters and they're inner-relationships. It was like reading a novel in fast-forward and only getting the important and relevant information. It was a breath of fresh air to me and I can honestly say I enjoyed it.
The ending was perfect. The last sentence left the plot rounded off nicely but it left innumerable unanswered questions. I love when stories and authors include those. It's like giving someone just enough information for them to make up their own mind and I adore it.
So, in closing, I really liked this. It was inventive and very cleverly worded and I'll be inclined to check out some of your other work. Thank you for this.
Katrina
xoxo