Someone I Once Knew - Comments

One Shot For One Shot (:

Her eyes were swollen from lack of sleep as the nausea had abruptly woken her. She’d ran to the bathroom, narrowly missing the toilet the first time she heaved. I loved the first two lines. They're sort of disgusting, because I hate sick, but they're really gripping as well. I know the feeling of waking up to throw up :/

I really liked the third paragraph. It wasn't repetitive and I'm glad you didn't just keep using the word 'sick'. However, I think the last part of More tears formed in her eyes, and the stench of her own vomit was making her gag even more. reads awkwardly.

Abort – à bort’, v.i 1 to terminate the development of (a foetus), or a pregnancy (in a female). I don't like how you just threw that in there. It's completely relevant, but it just sticks out and felt weird reading it.

Overall, I liked it. Some of the dialogue felt slightly unnatural, I noticed you put some an 'um' in a weird place, but other than that I really enjoyed it. I agree with The Freese. I like stories that make you think :3

very good job. results will be out later today.

I loved the way you described it - the detail was very vivid and I was hooked beginning and end.

It's beautiful. Well done!

The way you wrote it, and the way you described it, beautiful

I loved this! Fantastic job!

Story Review Game

Ok, I'll start off by saying that I really liked it. It wasn't as controversial as I may have expected, it seemed rather...normal, you know, for being about abortion. You asked for con-crit, so I'll give it to you, but please don't think that I had a negative opinion of your story at all, because I didn't. These are just some things I noticed:

The coolness soothing the heat of her skin, it was comforting.

It sounds off, because it’s a fragment, so you could try to add it to the prior sentence, or throw a few more words in there to help make it stand better on it’s own.

There was still a huge fucking gaping hole in her stomach. And nothing was getting any better.

I don’t think the cursing is needed. It kind of kills the moment, or mood that’s taking place. Disrupting the flow, because it’s an informal way to speak. I tend to steer clear of cursing in narration unless it’s in first person

“Hmm,” she looked down at her stomach which was still perfectly flat. She wondered how long it was until she got slightly bigger. It surprised her, how her stomach was still normal, somehow she thought that as soon as she realised she was pregnant that her stomach would swell and she would quite clearly be pregnant. Then everything would seem real, but maybe she never really wanted it to seem real.

Some words in here seem repetitive. Like, “pregnant.” And the last line seems off too, or the second part of it.

“I need to do this,” she whispered, she’d tried to reassure herself but when it came down to it she didn’t know if she’d be able to do it.

There are a few different sentences throughout the story, that could have been sported with a period instead of a comma, like in this one. I’d put a period after “whispered” because it’s separating the thoughts.

I had to go look up the song, because I was unfamiliar with it. Not my personal style, but the lyrics obviously fit, and the use of them in the story was ok as well. Sometimes, that sort of thing irks me, but here, you used them to shift scenes and time frames, and I liked that.

With the general concept of abortion in this story, I was afraid, when starting it, that it would be another case of, "Oops, I slipped up, and I don't want a baby," which is something I'm highly against. Your mistake, your price to pay, however, here, the issue is really that she doesn't feel she can support a child which is a very tricky viewpoint to put your opinion on. I am not against abortion. There are situations, like rape for instance, that I know I would have one. I do not think Grace's decision was wrong. Aborting a child because you know you can't take care of it like it deserves, yet can't bear to part with it, is a justifiable reason in my opinion. Would I be able to? I don't know...I keep thinking about it, and I'd have to say that if I was in her position, I probably would too.

I definitely like when a story makes you think.

This was amazing! I loved every bit of it!
I don't usually read this type of thing. But bloody hell!
You're an amzing writer really!

As everyone has already said, you're writing was beautiful and the imagery wonderful. At the end of the story, I wished there was more. I wanted to know her emotions and thoughts afterwards. But strickly speaking, the story was well written and...very sad.

This was so sad! You kept the flow and atmosphere together really well. Your imagery is beautiful. It's an incredible story really. Pregnancy is a really common thing to read about on this site as well as abortion, but you wrote it uniquely and beautiful.

Wow.
I was really blown away by this.
I loved the definition of abortion used. It really added to the drama of the piece.

Abort – à bort’, v.i 1 to terminate the development of (a fetus), or a pregnancy (in a female).

I loved the imagery you used for the black shadow as the doctor I believe, tearing the foetus away from her. Almost like a monster. Really, really amazing.
:)

I've had this story open on my browser for the last two hours and I've finally read it, I cant believe I didn't read it earlier, this is fantastic! The first thing(s) I noticed were the incredible layout and description that lured me in.

I know in songfics, people throw in the lyrics; it normally doesn't work, but in this it couldn't of worked better. (I'm not sure if they were lyrics but I loved it)

Even at the first paragraph I was hooked to it, I had to see how it ended, you can almost feel the character's pain and agony.

She was completely overwhelmed. She really only had two options, and one of them scared her to pieces.

Abort – à bort’, v.i 1 to terminate the development of (a fetus), or a pregnancy (in a female).
Again, normally that doesn't work very well, but in this it gave a fantastic effect, just giving you what she would have to do, bluntly and simple.

I didn't quite understand the black shadow part, nevertheless I loved it, an excellent use of imagery too. I figured you meant the fetus, and the 'no face, no features' bit because it wasn't quite alive yet, if you get what I mean?

I just adored this from start to finish, I look forward to more of your stories.

I really liked the way you wrote, and the descriptions were beautiful, the way you described her feelings, and the way she puked, everything was just magnificent, you should really continue to write because you are just plainly awesome, like really I don't know anyone that could write this good, you should really think about being a published author, I'd buy your books :cute: