January 17th, 2010 at 12:06am
My stomach now swells with the child you will never meet.
That line is beautiful, but horribly sad at the same time. If I wasn't so tired, I'd probably be tearing up.
You had yet to live a life that you'd barely begun.
Love it, love it, love it.I've had experience with family members dying young and it really is a horrific experience. The emotions one feels are so clearly shown here, it's awesome.
I like that this one-shot read a little bit like a poem. Some of the words fit really nicely together and the sentences as well. However, I do agree with Vivacious. that some of the sentences are a bit choppy, though I do think that helped give the one-shot a more poetic feel.
Sorry this is quite short, but I really don't have much else to say except that I really liked this piece. I don't really see much war fiction (or after war fiction, in your case, I guess) and it was a nice change of pace.
Layout
I liked the colors you used for the background color; the layoug would look far more appealing if the layout image wasn't tiled. Other than that, it is easy to the eyes and it relates well to the story at hand.
Summary
The summary really catches the attention of the readers. It’s so descriptive, yet it does not delve too much into the plot line; you pour enough emotions through it to hook the reader and to make them want more.
Story content
I have screamed your name a thousand times, only to be returned with an empty embrace of silence. -- This is just a marvelous way to start off with this story; the emotions are so vivid, raw; if the summary didn’t catch the reader’s attention, the introductory line sure will. It is just so strong, as well as the rest of the paragraph, which just evoques sadness in me, and makes me want to cry out immediately.
Those precious memories now echo--lonely--in my head. -- in this sentence, which has very heart wrenching imagery and it’s just perfectly constructed, the only thing that I see quite unappealing is the --lonely-- part; perhaps with only just one dash could suffice? I’m really not sure about the rules of use of this particular method of writing; I’ve seen it every know and then and it works lovely, but I think that only one ‘-’ is needed.
I've asked the ears of everyone: why did you have to be the one to die? The man with a fiancee at home, a baby-to-be in her young tummy. -- I really enjoy how you develop what’s going on in the woman’s story little by little; you first present us with strong emotions, preparing us for the story at hand, then the fate of the woman after the unfortunate events… it’s all so well constructed and thought.
A little mistake I noticed: It is fiancée. Also, I think it’d work better if you used another word instead of tummy and stomach; perhaps something related to womb? I’m not very much fond of that word, but a synonym could work wonders with this sentence and the related ones to this bit of the story.
But never,never will I smile for anyone but you. -- Here, you missed a space after the comma. Other than that, the sentence strikes chords… it hurts to learn all this, and it’s incredible how you manage to evoke emotions out of the readers.
Where is the fairness in this? A man so great and just is left to fall into a pit of dust. -- My favorite line has to be this one; it needs a little work, perhaps change the last bit to something among the lines of: A man so great and he was left to fall into a pit of dust; the use of just takes away that strength that you are trying to create through the sentence.
That… sort of anger or reproach that the woman holds against his fiancée is just incredible; you really did a great job describing something such as strong as coping with the death of a loved one; it is highly realistic; it’s not only I miss yous; there’s the anger of the depression she’s feeling; there’s the pain; there is love above all. The pain of the woman is tangible; it is real and the reader takes a bit of it inside of them. I actually cried while reading. It was heart wrenching and angering as well.