Thanks for the comments people ^^! Will soon make some changes with the help of Syko and stuff. Story's frozen for now.
November 26th, 2009 at 01:13am
First off, sorry I took forever!! :D
Summary; I love your summary. You layed everything out, but left us to fill in the blanks. While our minds are spinning, we're clicking on chapter one to find out where you're going with this. Great job.
Chapter One; I like the dream. You were extremely realistic. This is how some people dream after they commit a horrible crime, such as murder. They can't get away from it. And the image of him turning into a snake was amazing.
Chapter Two; Good job with the interaction with the other boy. That is something a lot of kids do to each other; talking about wanting the other one to die and what not. You did a good job portraying the way it feels to have everyone hate you.
Under the alleyway’s red lights, it seemed like it was raining blood, like a premonition to the tragedies that would happen later, or a simple coincidence.
That line was simply gorgeous.
Those last two sentences of this chapter were amazing. They just unleashed so many questions. And that's amazing, because a lot of author's aren't good at keeping the story interesting. You've done an amazing job of that so far.
Chapter Three; My uncontrollable desire to protect his mother was stronger than the pain and I bravely stood up, with my head throbbing. His should be my. :D That chapter was good, but it was too short for the emotion that should have been displayed. It would take a lot longer for that situation to occur, and there would be more screaming, more crying, more emotion. It went by too fast.
Chapter Four; I really liked the way you described D carrying his mother down the fire escape stairs. I can just see a little eight year old boy, scared to death, dragging his mom to help.
Although, I have to admit I feel like this chapter is missing a few key things. Such as; where is the shooter? And why isn't D screaming for help? Did he sneak out? Because if he managed to sneak out and run away, you would most likely hear the shooter screaming for him.
Chapter Five; I love how you compare the hospital sign to represent help and hope. I can just imagine how scared this little boy is, looking for somewhere for his mother to be helped. But, again I have to mention your lack of detail. Wouldn't he be crying, or trying to talk to his mother? And is his mother completely unconscious? Or is she making momentary groans and pleas for help?
Chapter Six; This chapter confused me so much. Are D and his mother dead? And they're just ghosts? If so, you may want to make that clearer in the earlier chapters.
Chapter Seven; Ooookay, so the two surgeons had D and his mother killed so they could use cadavers? I am so confused. You may want to go back and rewrite some of this.
I'm honestly not trying to be rude here. This story has an extremely interesting story line and you are a very good writer. Very sophisticated. It just seems like you're having a bit of trouble tying your ideas together cause this is getting hard to follow. But, I am going to post this on my profile, because I found it so intriguing.
And if you would like some help with improving this, please PM me and I'll be glad to help you out. I would hate to see such an incredible story go to waste.
