Oh, Emetophobia! - Comments

I have emetophobia. XD
It's REALLY bad in my case, ahah.
If you wanna ask me about it or whatever just message me.
Oh, and I love the story. :)

I'm only three chapters in, and I'm rather confused. You have way too much imagery in your paragraphs, and it's confusing the hell out of me. I feel like everything is out in limbo. There are no concrete details for me to latch onto, so that I can keep this story in reality.

Take these paragraphs for instance:

"Black and white tiles spun beneath his feet as he stripped. Shone by neon, his skin seemed plastic, like his insides were kept hidden by a thin layer of tinted cellophane. Vertebrae joints poked through the pallor, following a steady pattern down the boy’s back, occasionally turning left and right as bones morphed into cartilage and back to bones to form a prison for a slowly beating heart.

Several tattoos stained the flawless wrapping, most of them unknown to everyone but to the boy looking back at Frank from the tall mirror. Wide, fogged, green eyes followed the wanderings of his hand as Frank’s counterpart in the mirror took notice of every single detail. Small hairs on the downside of Frank’s flat stomach yielded before the boy’s curious fingers as they took effort in drawing out every single indigo line that coursed beneath his skin. Blood gushed to the touched places and every nerve-receptor in his body screamed with uncertain feelings of pleasure and shame. Brain cells collided in electrifying shocks of confusion while Frank’s eyes studied the wreckage confined in a piece of reflecting glass hanging off his bathroom door."

Is Frank jacking off in the mirror?
Is he just looking at himself in disgust?
The comparison of his skin to tinted cellophane makes no sense to me. Cellophane is wholly transparent, even with a tint to it. To me, that's unorganized macabre. It's not very well placed, in terms of how Frank looks at himself. I can't even think of a suitable alternative.

I like this story, and I'll continue reading. I'll also subscribe, but I am thoroughly confused and rather annoyed at all the imagery and backwards descriptions. My biggest point is this: You must add concrete details for this story to make sense to the general audience. My guess is most of your readers are taking your writing style for brilliant writing. I agree, to an extent; Your writing is brilliant, but I'm getting weary of picking apart all the metaphors you've added into your descriptions. Every sentence can't be a metaphor. I'm getting bogged down with trying to work my way through every paragraph. It takes away from the interactions between the characters and jumbles up the story line.

I love the concept. What I've said here was just some friendly advice to keep in mind for future endeavours. :]

Sincerely,
Mae.

Man I forgot how well you write....every sentence is so much better than many of the stories I've read....

Oh, Emetophobia! Review

Ahem. Here we go.

First off, the long description is just grand. The color you use to describe how the world is, is just awesome. I’m such a color freak, I love using it and reading stories in which people use it for comparisons and descriptions and you always do a great job at that. “At the end of the road, vomiting will sound beautiful.” A reader who isn’t used to your kind of writing would be like, “Eww. Wtf. No.” But I’m like, “Oh yes. Bring it on.” XD

A Shot to Remember.

AHHHH. This intro was so great. What I love about your writing is that you tend to jump right into the action. You waste absolutely no time in getting to the nitty gritty. Your descriptions, as always, are perfect. My favorite lines was were the ending ones.

“And he fucking knew this was coming.

Give me a shot to remember.

Hell, he asked for it.”

That was just a great style you had. It was like, sarcastic and ironic and the whole “well, fuck it” attitude.

I always feel like I’m inside your story, seeing what you write as it happens. It takes a great writer to do that.

Sick, Sick, Sick.

The ideal opening line.

“It smelled like snow.”

I asked myself, “What?” as I continued to read and then understood what you meant. The introduction of our lovely Gerard was nice, You can already get a strange vibe from him even though he’s still a foggy character at this point. Also, Frank is the golden boy of Belleville? HOW CUTE. That’s what I thought as soon as I read this.

Also, I love how you have variety in your paragraphs. It was like, Inhale. –long paragraph- Exhale. How lovely.

Well, fucking BANG!

Well, fucking title is AWESOME!

The cigarette, the sickness, the snapping and straining of capillaries, tendons and muscles, white, brown, darkness, nothing.

I love when you write like that. It’s like very short and to the point, yet very detailed and you get this flash sort of, in your head. Have you seen Requiem for a Dream? There are numerous parts where when they do drugs, it flashes quickly between shots. Like a pupil getting larger, a flick of a lighter, the bubbling of heroin, the rolling of weed, a deep breath. It’s like a ton of small bits of info shoved into your brain.

When you wrote “inhale” in all caps, it was like another attention grabber. And repeating “Give me a shot to remember” creates a depth for the saying.

And just the way you briefly mentioned Frank’s green eyes made me think about how purty he was and :yah. And even though Frank should be disgusting, he so isn’t.

Brick Shithouse.

So Gerard is twisted?

y/y?

So Gerard is hot?

y/y?

I don’t really have much to say about this chapter that I haven’t already said about the others. Great, as always.

The Broken Party Scene

Gah! I loved this chapter. The way you described the people and the setting was just splendid. Everything seems so morbid and pathetic but Gerard is enjoying himself. He likes to writhe in people’s sorrow and despair, almost. I like it. My favorite paragraph was:

The pride of every Jersey mother and the bachelor number one lay sprawled across one of the messy heaps of pillows, tracking heroine stabs on some girl’s hand.

I was like, “Ooh la la." Haha. It was great.

From Safety to Where?

HERE WE GO. Gradually getting to the . I loved the events in this chapter. Frank wakes up after a wild night with some random chick, Frank runs into Gee, Gee starts the blackmail. This chapter is like squeezing my throat and when I read it I felt like I had to keep going. Like, stopping wasn't an option. The casual convo was funny too. "Did you know that there aren’t two identical snowflakes anywhere in the world?" Like attempting to sweeten him up for what he said next. Lovely.

Burning. God help him. BURNING!

IMO, this chapter contained some of your best writing.

Petroleum set on fire. Smell of carbonized heroin. Cries of burnt bodies. Loud Bauhaus music. Fred’s garage. What was going on? Cries. No, screams! Cover his ears. He couldn’t move his limbs. Was he even there? The mirror, stained white, but no reflection. Was he even real? A chilling sensation against his back. A palm of hand. See who. How? Close his eyes. Open. Breathe in. Out. Gasp. Scream. Murderous gold. Cry. Hiss. Be proud and stubborn. Fight.

“We’ll work something out, I’m sure.”

Resist. Stare back. Where is he? Fire. Flames licking up framed photographs. His house – how? Would he die? Cold. No, hot, sizzling hot! He’s burning! GOD, NO, HE’S BURNING! Help me, GOD! No God. A voice. Help him. No. Cry. Gasp. Beg. SCREAM.

“Oh, my God, help me!”

Cry. Erupt. Rage. Hate. Die. Scream. Gasp. Repeat.

Repeat. Repeat.

I literally read that like 10 times and sent it to one of my RL friends to read. He also loved it and was like, "I don't even know her but I fucking love her." So yeah. Like, stop being so good.

Deathtrap.

Ahaha. Gerard is more than twisted. And I'm eating it up like fucking candy. I love how he gets his jollies out of what his doing to Frank. He's a sadist and Frank is a masochist. It's like a perfect match made in Hell. Although, I've actually heard of sadist and masochist purposely getting together...... O_O

I loved this, "I told you, sweetheart, we’ll work something out."

Gerard is such a bitch. XDDD

Gotcha.

I loved it when you open a chapter with a one liner by itself.

"His backseat smelled like sandalwood and cheap chick’s perfume."

I like, thought about how that'd smell and I think I've been in a person's car who smelled like that. :think: Again, you're descriptions just wrap me into your story like a warm blanket during Christmas. Omg, I love you. I also think it's great when you talk about plain colors then neon colors. It makes me think of a room with blacklights.

Fuck-toy.

THIS WAS MY FAVORITE CHAPTER.

Here was the best part:

Gerard took another drag of his cigarette and regarded the naked boy coolly.

“The golden boy, eh? Your lies go so far, that they don’t even mind the piercings and tattoos.” Gerard smiled bitterly and blew a puff of smoke into Frank’s face. “You don’t drink, don’t smoke, have excellent grades, date only high society whores, all that… is just for show, right, baby?”

Frank winced at the harsh truth. His eyes lingered on the stolen sheets longingly and Gerard’s own orbs followed his gaze, still not completely satisfied with the obvious triumph.

“Because you drink, you smoke, you obviously snort,” he touched the small dent on his nostril, “you fuck, you’re being fucked, you’re a fucking whore and love every fucking minute of it!” Gerard’s voice rose with every swearword he uttered.

Finally, he neared the mess still pressing against the wall,

“And you’ll do anything to keep it a secret."

It probably gives the most insight to Gerard's character so far. You see how he's fucked up and how he has little regard for Frank's feelings. I mean, he pretty much raped him and even though Frank could go to the cops, he's not thinking clearly enough to do so. Not only does he bang Frank, he keeps mind-fucking him while he's at it. Acts like he's going to hurt him, then doesn't and acts almost disgusted as he tells him to cover up, then basically brands him with his cigarette. Classic.

Bathroom.

I don't have much to say except this part actually made me LOL:

“You have love handles,” he whispered and smirked against his ear before pulling away and tossing him a towel to dry off the brown mess atop his head.

Frank caught it and drowned his face in the equally red cotton. A taste of venom singed the tip of his tongue as his eyes returned to scanning the body of the boy towering over him,

“Well, everyone doesn’t starve themselves as efficiently as you do.”

And then......... :yah :yah :yah

Nike, Blood and Ink

Wow. Frank is clearly disoriented to allow Gerard to force him to get inked up. I'm like, "Why does he wait until the end to threaten to go to the cops?" Silly little junkie. But this part also made me rofl:

"You two pansies wanna get each other’s name inked somewhere?"

And I loved how at the end they went back and forth basically admitting how much one enjoyed pain and how much one enjoyed giving it. And then Frank passes out. I'm like, "Wtf? Get up." XD

ALL IN ALL I LOVED IT.

Idk if I told you this but I discovered this late at night and didn't go to sleep until veryyyyyyy late when I was done. That's how awesome it is. And update in five minutes? Maybe?

ily.

I saw an excerpt of this posted on the Rate The Story Game - I rated it 100000000, infact - and knew I had to check it out. I've only read the first chapter so far because I'm busy right now, but I know I want to continue. I've read/written stuff on phobias before but nothing as incredibly worded and as believable as this. I usually hate reading Frerards but I really think I can get into this one. You're a true artist, and I felt truly honoured when you said you'd be reading my story, Transylvania. I love your style of writing.

I'll leave another ass-kissing when I'm done reading it, kay?. :cute: :tehe:

New reader here. :tehe:
I'm going to read the rest of the chapters as soon as I'm free. :cute:

His breath was still coming in heaves of pain and every gasp meant another battle for fresh air in his lungs. The decrepit organ inside his chest pounded against his ribcage, expanding its surface, eager for a fresh fix of oxygen. Years of smoking had taken their toll.

Oh, boy, did Frank Iero hate throwing up.

Your use of words was very amazing. You made breathing sound more stylish to me with your descriptions. (:tehe:)

Using the word vomit several times in this chapter really got me.
(:

Even if I kind of felt grossed out of eating my dinner now, it's okay,my dinner is gross anyway.
:cheese:

i love it!!!! more soon?

This story is simply amazing. The detailing is exquisite to the point where I can quite honestly say that this is the first ever story that has given me genuine nausea not brought on by my own weak system. You have done a simply excellent job on every single sentence, every paragraph. The entire story is so beautifully structured and it stirs something very deep inside me.

You are a veritable genius and your prose is quite complicated and simplistic at the same time. You have done such a marvelous job at portraying every emotion, every miniscule detail, that it is simply amazing.

<3 Jenn

to tell u the truth, i dont quite get the storyline..
im totally lost with this...*looks frustrated*
i love the way u write, and i love your work, this story included, yet i dont quite follow like i want to..
<3

You're such a tease XP I swear I thought that he was gonna have sex with him and I was getting all excited and then....dissapointment -_- If this is revenge for what I am doing to you in CSB well then you suck XD I keed I keed. Okay this review sounds so crappy, I'm sorry, you know I love the chapter XD Though I am scared for Frank....you are going to literally torture him, aren't you :grr:

Bwaaaa.

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to explain what was going through my mind while reading that, but I'll try.
There's something about your style of writing that provides these amazing windows into your characters,
especially Gerard. I'm jealous. x] I don't know how you do it, honestly, but you manage to almost
directly expose Gerard's sick lust for pain and conflicting emotions about Frank, but it doesn't
come off sounding cheesy, or sounding like you just want to make it easy for the reader to understand.

Did that make any sense? :cheese:

Everything just comes out so flawlessly, and while I'm reading, every sentence suprises me a
little, or adds insight, or something. You manage to make every word count, and it's really,
reeeeally rare to find a writer who can do that, no matter how good they are. I'm so in love with
this story; the way they're strangers but not really, the way they're sort of stuck
together now... at least Frankie's stuck.

You are waaaay scary talented. :shock:

soooo much.

P.S. Thanks about the profile. :]

amazing <3

Okay, well, first of all, sorry this is so late.
And worse, I'm doing this bit by bit, so I probably still won't be done with this comment when you're reading it.
I'm at school, though, so it's not my fault. :shifty

But that chapter, like the others, was absolutely breath-taking.
I absolutely love the disgusting relationship they have, & you create it perfectly.

I LOVEEEEE this:
His grip on those sheets was becoming a strain on his knuckles as Gerard’s hand ghosted over them.

Frank opened his mouth…

“Back the fuck off.”

…when he really ought to have kept them shut.

Gerard’s hand ripped off the sheets with scary ease.

Okay, yikes. :cheese:
Cheesy at it is, amazing word choice right there. :]
Honestly, ghosted and scary ease and gave me chills.

To be continued... :shifty

omgomgomg
Sara you kill my life.
Again, in the good way.
Frank's poor ass. LMAO
To be honest, I am getting really shit at commenting.
So I will just say this:

I loved it.

:XD

why, oh why does the theme song of the grinch come to mind when I read this?!
oh well...

this is great.
it's one big gruesome addiction and I'm GAGGING WITH DELIGHT just to read it.

The ending... perfect. Seriously. And when I saw it was updated, I squealed. Like, this made my day. You're amazing. You even managed to turn Gerard putting his cig out there a little less... terrible. More soon?

I owe you a comment here. :]

I just wanted you to know that I thought it was a-fucking-mazing.

rawr.

this story is extremely intriguing. im not sure if it's the way it's written or simply the storyline itself, but it's kind of great. i don't know. i don't want to bore you with my declarations of love (past, present, future), but i really do fucking love this story. and everything you write. and it saddens me that i rarely have time to read mibba stories nowadays but its christmas break now!
and i am indulging.
and what better way to do so then with some of Bastard Son's awesome work?

amazing, i love the grim & beauty of this story

this story is so different.
i love it