October 6th, 2009 at 05:40am
I just read the first part of this (because I found it on the 'Need Someone To Read Your Story thing), and, it seems pretty interesting. The only thing I would say is to put in more detail. It seems like it's moving very fast, and more detail will help to, not only fill it out, but also help the passage of time seem more real.
Also, with your layout, the color of the text is a bit hard on the eyes, because it's so bright. I know this is hard to avoid when you use a black background. But, what I usually do is a dark colored background, with a soft color for the background of the story area, and then have the text another dark color. It helps keep things easy for your eyes.
But yeah! Keep working at it, you've got an interesting start!
When your writing in her diary, you may want to italicize the text so that it's not too confusing to the reader.
This seems like it could go somewhere, but you're missing a lot of detail with it. You need to explain more about her father. It's good to keep your reader wondering, but you want to give them just enough so that they come back for more.