Come Back to Me - Comments

I love David, and you did an amazing job on this story :) I'm with Teenage Dirtbag. I wanted to give him a hug the whole time.

Oh gosh, this was so beautiful. I've never read a David story before, and I'm glad yours is my first! Everything flowed so well and I really enjoyed your writing style.

His fingers touched the cool glass, almost covering the tiny airplane as he whispered.

“Come back to me.”

That part really tugged on my heartstrings. I just wanted to give David a hug through the whole thing.

Good job!

I'll make up for this I swear

“Did I...” His voice suddenly hoarse, “Did I do anything wrong?”

I love how you instantly go straight into this part – it's done really well and sounds perfect.

“Every night I lay in bed alone, wondering where you were and what you were doing, and whenever I call you’re always busy.”

This is so upsetting ='( I wish it wasn't like this for them, I really do.

“Can we...” He mumbled, “Can we fix this?”

“Yeah,” She stated, “But not now.”

“Not yet.”

So sad, it makes me want to cry, honestly.

“In about a month.”

One month alone. Three weeks crying to sleep. Thirty days without Joan.

Soon enough, his gaze fell back to his shoes.

“David...”

Her voice was gentle, pulling him back to look at her.

“At least say goodbye to me.”

This is seriously breaking my heart – the emotion you use to fucking amazing; I'm jealous of the spell you've cast over the readers!

“I love you, Joan.”

Awwwwwwwwwww! So cute, so sad, so heartbreaking!

“Come back to me.”

An amazing ending to an amazing short story! This story is just so beautifully written and extremely well worded. Sweetie, you've out done yourself with this one - it's just so amazing!

The emotion you've carried out is incredible and the use of words is perfect; this is such an amazing story – you must be so proud of it!

And all these days I've spend away

“Don’t go.”

That has to be the most amazing opening, ever. It's eye catching and catches the attention of the reader immediately! Well done

David kept reminding himself to repair his shoes, but he never had the time.

Him focusing on the small, insignificant things in his life is just wow – it shows that he's avoiding something or more possibly, someone.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“I want you to stay.”

“I told you, David. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Then when are we going to talk about it?”

I like how there's nothing but the speech here - I feel that if you had added description that it would have killed it and sounded really forced.

Usually David would keep his feelings to himself; he’d never show his temper to anyone.

Maybe the fact that David keeps his feelings to himself is a reason why Joan is leaving him?

David tried his best to ignore her, shutting his eyes followed by a silent exhale, a sigh he didn't quite want her to hear.

Maybe he really doesn't want to acknowledge the fact she's going, like he knew that she was going to no matter what he said and maybe he'd never see her again.

everyday would be a different place, with different people.

Amazing line, just, amazing.

He was so busy yet so lonely, and the only person he wanted was Joan.

Awww! That line is so, so, so cute!

She was his first love. She was his first kiss – passionate and honest. It happened when they were waiting for the rain to stop under the bus stop, he held her close and she leaned onto him. They were forced apart when a bus arrived and honked at them, making them go scarlet and run from all the people staring. Soon after that the three special words began to surface, and they were celebrating their first anniversary together. David couldn’t imagine his life without her, she meant everything to him.

I couldn't cut that down because it was just so perfect! It's cute, innocent yet really sweet and really eye-catching – it makes my heart melt to read

Right after Idol tour David thought it was one night where he could finally return to his peaceful home and have her in his arms again, but he wished he hadn't returned because they fought throughout the night.

This is so sad =( I don't want her to leave him – he's so in love with her; I bet he'd give up everything just to have her!

“I’m not leaving you, David.”

I'm so glad she's not leaving him permanently – they seem perfect for each other.

-

My only problem with this chapter is that the spacing between lines/paragraph is really weird...

Story Review Game

The layout from this story immediately caught my attention, and I had to read it.

You have no grammatical errors, which allows the story to flow perfectly.

Now, I'll comment on the feeling of the story, on both chapters.

Chapter 1

“Don’t go.”
The scene immediately prepares us for what’s about to come, for the plot, but it doesn’t give away a single thing except for the possible departure of this young lady.

The two proceeding paragraphs are described beautifully and they give some air of nostalgia and sadness to the reader.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“I want you to stay.”

“I told you, David. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Then when are we going to talk about it?”
The conflict that ensues between these two characters began to intrigue me the moment that this dialogue took place. It gives some air of mysteriousness yet some sort of regret hanging onto it. The dialogue might be short, but it makes hooked me up immediately because of the strong feelings you portrayed in these short words.

David snapped, and immediately regretted it. Usually David would keep his feelings to himself; he’d never show his temper to anyone.
I love how you give away some of David’s personality in this simple action; it’s kind of hidden, but it’s there and it’s tangible.

People he didn’t know. People he felt too self-conscious to talk to, to share his feelings with. He was so busy yet so lonely, and the only person he wanted was Joan.
I find this line to be one of the sweetest yet saddest of the story. It really brings out the emotions of the character to life, and the way it’s written is just perfect.

She was his first love. She was his first kiss – passionate and honest. It happened when they were waiting for the rain to stop under the bus stop, he held her close and she leaned onto him.
The imagery you portray in this paragraph made me smile you suddenly took us away from the nostalgia of the departure and transported us towards the very first time they kissed, making us warm up a little more and start to realize how much Joan means to David.

“I’m not leaving you, David.”

Everything became silent, and he turned to look at her.

“I just need a break from this relationship.”
The ending scene for this chapter makes us realize that’s not over, and brings some awfully painful feeling to my chest.

I really love how you took this story and made it to be so real. The rollercoaster of emotions that you put us through is amazing, and the descriptions are so vivid and beautiful, as well as the dialogue.

Chapter 2

“Did I...” His voice suddenly hoarse, “Did I do anything wrong?”
To be honest, I thought that in chapter 2 you were going to fast-forward the story until Joan returned, but I’m glad you didn’t because the beginning of this second part kept me at the edge of my seat :tehe:

“I mean,” She swallowed, her voice going softer. “You’ve been away from home for a year now-”

“So this is my fault.”
And here begins to ensue the reason of the initial plot. It’s really sad to read, because it brings back memories of a long time ago. It feels like this is really happening, like I’m actually there and perhaps I’m David, or perhaps Joan. And I’m leaving, or perhaps I’m being left behind.

“And you couldn’t even spare a minute to call back?”

“The only thing I’ve been doing the past few months was worry about you, and now with you home it just doesn’t feel the same anymore.”

“So I’m heading back to stay with my parents for a while; I need to get my mind off things.”
In this part I’m kind of confused… Is it Joan the one talking throughout the entire dialogue? It kinda confused me, but I’m going to take a chance and say this is Joan.
I like the way you made her open up in this bit; it seems like a rule for every relationship to discuss what’s wrong the moment something bad happens, or someone’s leaving. Again, is very realistic and pretty much portrays a normal relationship.

“At least say goodbye to me.”
I can sense that feeling of longing that she has for him to kiss her, to reassure her that everything will be fine even if she leaves, and the following paragraphs are just beautiful, from the way he wants to just hold her and not let her go, to the bit where he hesitates, because he knows that if he clings onto her, it’ll end up hurting more.

His fingers touched the cool glass, almost covering the tiny airplane as he whispered.

“Come back to me.”
The very ending was just so full of emotions and nostalgia… I almost cry over it. The last dialogue is just… wow. I love how you ended this story; it’s just perfect and gives the reader the possibility of another chapter, of a happy ending, which is something we all want for such a story like this one.

Overall, I loved the story; the feeling was amazing, and I can tell that you put a lot of thought and emotions into your characters to make them your own. It was amazing.

That was brilliant, Carmen.

I loved it.

You described everything perfectly and you have a brilliant style of writing.

Well done. :arms:.

OMG, HOW CAN NOBODY HAVE COMMENTED ON THIS, THEY ARE CRAZY!!!!!!



DUDE, OMG, THIS IS INSANEEE! AMAZING, SO FREAKING AMAZING! DUDE. It was so sad!!!!! It was as if I could feel their emotions, duuuuuuuuuuuuuude. Continue this!!!!!! <333333333333333 So freaking AMAZING.