Dear Gavin, - Comments

I don't know how I found this but I thought it was amazing. You have an amazing writing style.

That was awesome.
I loved the mood and tone of it.
Thank you for entering my contest.
And yes, if you decide to write something else, we can remove this one from the running.

Story/Review Game

First off, I just want to see the layout is well done, especially the title size.

The scene at the beginning is incredibly well set. I especially love the description of Miss James and how, clearly, everything that is about to happen was the cause of an accident, a late departure.

I like the phrase "slightly abusive". It creates this aura that he was a dick, though he most likely didn't hit her and the age is most likely what lead to that because was 26-year-old guy immediately goes after a 15 year old?

I also like how she laughed at him for being scared and her narrative voice because she does seem sarcastic and maybe a little older than her classmates maturity-wise. The picture you painted of her class was well-done as well, like little Polaroids.

I didn't actually think of suicide, no, since you asked. I almost pictured her writing the letter to him at the beginning, but mostly for herself to get the words down. And then at the end, I see it left on the table, half folded over.

Maybe that's the "missing" that made me think that. Because you don't miss people when you're dead.

Overall, this was really well-written. I would have maybe liked to have seen a little more developments of the fights, but overall it was well done.

I loved this.
So very much.
I also imagined her dying in the end.

I really like this...
It's just, you feel the emotions reading it.
Very nice
:)

Story Review Game

First off, I love the small summary; it does not give anything away, but it stills lures you in and makes you want to read more.

Dear Gavin,

I still remember the first time we met. -- The introductory line is so simple, but I quite like the way you immediately introduce the situation at had. The following paragraph is just so vivid and well written that I can picture the images so easily without having to struggle to get the words working in my mind. They just mesh together perfectly and create the scenario and the characters flawlessly.

You caught my eye and I tugged on the hem of my uniform skirt, holding your gaze the entire time. - this line is just… it’s so real, tangible as well as the rest of this paragraph; I can picture the scene unfolding before my eyes, and the characters are not over reactive to such an event; they act just like any other human being would act upon being in a situation like this, specially the girl.

Nate and Delanie were standing next to me, basically dry humping against the wall and Taylor and Brittney were hitting each other and then cracking up so hard they nearly fell over, and Brad and Jason had Kaleb backed up against a wall, Jason’s fist cocked back. -- Hehe, typical teenage behavior during a field trip. This made me laugh then just shake my head, because I can remember the field trips that we had back when I was in high school (long ass time ago), which is just great, because you created a link between the reader and you (as an author) as well as with the characters and the story line.

You said you’d show me because you needed to use them too.
I was pushed up against the back wall of the biggest stall, your hand was wrapped around my back, and mine was slid up your shirt when Miss James walked in. -- Wow, now that’s development. I really like how the story between these two characters start off as simply lusting; no mentions whatsoever of this ‘love at first sight’ that you read very often in love stories, which is so refreshing to read (you have no idea how refreshing it is actually), and it avoids those cliché plots in which the relationship starts immediately with the commitment and intimacy part, which is rather unrealistic.

You climbed on top of the toilet and I had to fight back laughter; you looked scared to death -- That actually made me laugh at the sole thought of that scene; I love it when authors get reactions out of the readers, and you just made me like this story more.

From when I turned sixteen to the time I turned eighteen, we were either having sex or fighting and the fighting only led to better sex. -- I love the contrast between this particular part of the relationship, in which everything is based in purely passion and lust, and this other part -- I remember you pressing your lips tightly to mine and telling me for the first time that you loved me and my heart almost burst. -- because we see the development of the relationship so clearly; it’s just… it is real, I hate being repetitious, but it is just so real and it does not delve into the cliché love stories; the characters have flaws, as well as the relationship, which makes it even more appealing when we see that they try to look pass this flaws and have what we would call a ‘normal’ relationship.

We lived together perfectly, as if everything was great, perfect, and absolutely blissful for an entire year before you began resorting back to old ways. -- Bless the honeymoon stage; it just fits perfectly with how many of the relationships start, then monotony comes and gets in between the ‘wonderful’ feeling and just breaks it all, from the interest the couple has for one another, to the intimacy and passion they used to have before.

I also remember figuring out that you were cheating for the first time six months ago. -- This and the entire paragraph itself, it’s just so heartwrenching; it hurts to read it, because in the few paragraphs that conform this story, we learned about the couple, we met them and lived with them for a while; we went through the same feelings they went through… and just learning this is devastating, because you actually made me believe the characters were real, that the plot actually happened (I actually thought that it was some sort of autobiography because of how well was written and because of the emotions you poured into it).

My sprit died that day and it’s not coming back.
And fuck, Gavin, I can’t take this anymore.
I’m broken and you’re oblivious.
I miss the utopia you, I miss the perfect us, I miss the way it used to be.
And when this is over, I’ll miss you, I swear to God, I will. But this has to be done.

Forever and for always,
Yours. -- It’s just… there’s no hate; at least I can’t feel hate… it’s so real, because she did care, and she did wanted things to work… and her hopes were broken, so was the image she had of him, and the love she felt… and I can feel it.

Really, this story is just amazing, for lack of words to describe it; you made me feel a variety of emotions, from happiness, love, contempt, and excitement, to anger, pain, and hurt. It was just wonderfully written and just so real.

Fucking great job.

That made me sad. I feel sorry for her. It's such a cliché but it's so darn true.
Wonderfully written, and I love your characters.

That was really great... I really loved it...

This. Was. Amazing. I just loved the story line and the way you wrote it was just so great.

I loved your description of the girl's classmates. It painted a picture in my mind and I could pretty much see everything going on in this entire story.

Great jobb!

Oh, I just read. Beautiful and heartbreaking. I saw her dying in the end too, loved it!