December 17th, 2009 at 02:03pm
Let's get started then. =D
Breathing in deeply, I inhale the unmistakable smell of Shades, a mixture of cheap perfume, sweat and booze. Not the most pleasant combination, but in my current state, I am aching for familiarity. And if nothing else, the club is certainly that.
I thought this was a brilliant, if not, perfect start to a story. It gives the orientation of it straight away but tucks it right into the description, rather than it being "I went to the club because I wanted familiarity".
It's very effective."Vodka and Coke, please," I inform the bartender, slapping my money down on the table.
This also helps the story unfold well, as the part I've bolded demonstrates what the character's mood is. Again, a much better way of saying "I felt really crap."
Someone storms over and plonks themselves next to me with a heavy sigh. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see it's a girl, about my age. She's quite pretty, with a shock of ginger hair that falls to the middle of her bare back and grass green eyes. She's not my type; she's wearing too much makeup and minimal clothing. But there’s no denying she's pretty. However, her kohl-rimmed eyes are red from crying and her mascara is starting to run. From the crushed expression on her face that she's trying in vain to mask behind a shaky smile, I'm guessing she's just been dumped.
Really simple, but really nice description here. And I particularly like the way you've alluded to the girl not being the boy's type, sort of giving us the idea that this girl isn't going to be an important part of his life. Until later we realise.
"And you want to make your ex jealous," I add in a wry tone.
She smiles apologetically. "Yeah, that too."
This bit elicited a bit of a chuckle from me.
And I like that in any story, even if it's not typically meant to be a funny one.I look over her shoulder at the blonde guy behind her. "He looks jealous," I observe.
She smiles. "Good."
And I really like ends of stories or ends of parts of stories that finish with short and sweet speech. (Try saying that three times fast.
) It's really effective and folds it up really neatly, so to speak.So, yeah, so far, really good. By this point there wasn't any way that I was going to stop reading, I had to carry on.
Which, I'm guessing, is what you set out to do. 
Next part: It flows really nicely in this part as well. I won't annotate all of it, but the speech and description makes for really good reading, there isn't a boring part.
I gulp down my drink to soothe my scratchy throat. “You know what hurts the most?"
"Being so close?" she jokes. Cascada's playing in the background.
Another funny bit, like it. ;]
As I fumble with the keys, I'm praying to whoever might be listening that Steph's still here, that she didn't abandon me for Ryan. But as I bound through the door, my hopes higher than the heavens, that fantasy is reduced to rubble and my heart plummets lower than hell.
That's brilliant description. You've got your imagery there, and then both ends of the scale, a nice effective way of describing his mood.
Stripping to my boxers, I crawl into bed, too tired and miserable to do anything else. As I lie there, no matter how hard I try not to, all I can think about is Steph. Her smile, her beautiful, beautiful smile lingers in my vision, torturing me. Sleep doesn’t come easy that night.
What I would say, is that you should probably replace "that night" with "tonight", as it keeps it sounding very present tense. "That night" sounds more like it's in the past, and I think it makes it sort of wobbly. If you get me.
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved
I like that this song's part of it. It fits quite nicely. And it added to the emotion, for me. (It's a sad song :( )
The doorbell pings again. Snapping out of my reverie, I head to the door and haul it open. The person standing there, their back to me, turns around, revealing their face and their identity.
My mouth drops to the floor. “Steph? What- what are you doing here?”
“I live here,” she replies, smiling uncertainly, and I can tell she’s been crying from her red-rimmed eyes. She looks away, heat creeping into her cheeks. “You’re half-naked.”
“It’s not like you haven’t seen it before.” I feign casualness, but inside, my heart is pumping like I’ve just run a marathon and my stomach’s twisting into anxious knots. I didn't think she’d be back this soon. “You could have used your key.”
“I left it,” she reminds me.
“Right,” I reply, not sure what else to say.
We stand there, awkward. Some part of me wonders how the hell this happened. How we became so… fragmented.
Steph’s face cracks and she steps forward, enveloping me in a hug. I can hear her crying softly as she holds me tight. I don’t think she’s realised I’m not reciprocating.
I prise her off me uncomfortably and shut the door behind her. “You’d better come in.”
Nodding, she walks inside and perches on the end of the sofa. I join her, suddenly self-conscious.
“So, where’d you go yesterday? I was worried,” I say, trying to keep my voice light. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe she wasn’t with Ryan. Maybe she just went on an innocent trip and I’ve blown everything out of proportion.
But, for all my wishful thinking, I know that’s not true. I know where she was. The look on her face is enough to tell me. It’s the Ryan look.
She avoids my gaze, instead looking at her hands, twisting themselves in her lap. “Robin, I- I went to see Ryan.”
Though I was expecting it, that simple, innocent sentence hits me in the chest and knocks the wind right out of me. I knew it. I knew it. But knowing doesn’t make it hurt any less, like she’s stabbed me and is twisting the knife in further and further.
“I had to,” she continues, oblivious to the broken boy beside her. “I had to make it right between us. You understand that, don’t you?” I don’t say anything. I can’t. She carries on anyway. My response clearly isn’t required. “But he only wanted a one-night stand. That became clear when his girlfriend walked in on us this morning.”
I swallow hard. “Right.”
“I love him,” she whispers, too quietly for me to hear. Or so she thinks. Those three words are the final nail in the coffin. She said ‘love’. Not ‘loved’.
But it doesn’t hurt as much as before. Instead, I feel kind of… relieved? The feeling started as a small pinprick in my chest, but now it’s spreading throughout my body, washing over me with its liberation. Steph loves Ryan. She always has and she always will. I don’t even factor into the equation. I never did.
“I can’t believe he’d do that to me. It’s his girlfriend's fault,” she says savagely. “He’d be with me if it wasn’t for her.”
I have to laugh. The soft, bittersweet sound echoes throughout the apartment. Steph looks confused.
“Not this time, Steph,” I tell her, shaking my head. “Not this time.”
“What?” she asks, her face contorted with confusion.
“I’m not going to catch you this time,” I say simply. “You’re on your own now.”
“But why, Robin?” she asks, genuinely confused. “You’re my best friend. You’re always there for me.”
“No, Steph, I’m not,” I say patiently. “I’m your boyfriend. There’s a big difference. I’m your boyfriend, and you cheated on me.”
She’s starting to understand, but I can see she’s not quite there yet. “I- I’m sorry.”
“It took you that long to say it,” I reply, unable to keep the bitterness out of my voice. “You come here, all cut up, after abandoning me for your ex and cheating on me with him, and expect me to hold you and tell me everything’s going to be okay. What about me, Steph? What about me? Don’t I matter at all to you?”
“Of- of course you do,” she says, faltering slightly.
“Oh really? You’re right. I have always been there for you. Every time you got your heartbroken I was there to hold you and protect you from the world. But what did I get in return? I loved you, Steph. I loved you so much. But I can’t do this anymore.”
“But… but…” She scrambles for words, but she doesn’t know what to say.
“You don’t love me, Steph,” I tell her. “You never have. I’m just your stupid, dependable best friend who you can always rely on to be there. But not this time. I’m done with it.”
“But Robin,” she whispers, the tears slipping out of her eyes, “I do love you. I’m done with Ryan, I promise. I promise I’ll never go back to him.”
I shake my head pitifully. “I wish I could believe you. But you forget, Steph: I’ve known you since we were four years old. I know you better than you know yourself.”
She closes her eyes with sick realisation, covering her face with her hands. “I’m sorry, Robin. I’m so, so sorry.”
I nod slightly. “I know.”
I hug her quickly, briskly. She clings to me for as long as she can, but then I prise her gently off me and set her aside. She’s crying freely now, thick, fat tears that roll out of her beautiful, broken blue eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I say softly. “I guess we just weren’t meant to be.”
She chokes out a laugh. “Yeah. I guess. Robin, do you think- do you think we could still be friends?”
“No, Steph,” I say quietly. “I don’t think that’s wise. A clean break is best for everyone.”
She nods resignedly. “I’m going to miss you,” she whispers.
“Me too,” I say softly, brushing a hair away from her face.
She draws in a deep, shuddery breath and plasters a painfully fake smile on her face. “This is it, then. We’re over.”
“Steph,” I say gently, “we never really began.”
The smile slips slightly, but she ducks her head so I can’t see the tears refilling her eyes. When she speaks, her voice is clear, cold, but I can tell she’s trying incredibly hard to mask her pain. “I’ll be back tomorrow for my stuff.”
I nod. “Goodbye, Stephanie.”
“Goodbye,” she whispers. She looks up and gives me one, final smile, before turning away and trudging out of the door and out of my life forever.
Exhaling slowly, I collapse on the sofa, exhausted. A hesitant smile creeps onto my face and I head into my bedroom. Rummaging in the pockets of yesterday’s jeans, I pull out my phone and key in a number. It starts to ring and I put it to my ear, praying they’ll answer.
“Hi Chloe,” I say, smiling. “It’s me. Robin.”
And to round it off, a really well-written last scene. :) This really tugs at your emotions when you read it, and it's easy to feel how both characters are feeling. I also agree with you that a happy ending wouldn't really have fitted very well, but the fact that you wrote the sadness so well really made up for it. It's also not too cliché, so that's a very good thing. :)
As for the final sentence, a perfect finish. :) It's a nice sort of twang of hope, and again, I like endings to be short and snappy, especially as speech.
Overall, I'd give this story a 9/10 =D very very good.
It was cute and fluffy in places but some of it was really awkward to read and well, it was un-enjoyable in places.
The starting where they’re talking about her being miserable and broken up with is good but some of it seems a little forced in places...
It was a well written story but, I just didn’t enjoy it.
I am really sorry – I feel bad now.