I’ve never read a used slash before, so I’ll try my best. I’m eager to read it, though. The description makes it sound really good, and the picture is cute. ^__^
It had taken a lot of coaxing, a million and one soft songs, and Dan allowing Jeph to crawl on his lap then Dan having to hold him before his oh-so-heavy eyelids slipped shut.
I love how this paragraph is phrased. The description of a million and one soft songs touched me the most; it makes me smile. I can clearly visualize this happening, and I like visualizations. There’s just one thing I want to mention that may make it better, and that’s the oh-so-heavy part. I think I would italicize it, but that’s mostly just a personal choice, so I don’t think it’s bad. I just thought I’d point it out.
Jeph hadn’t seemed too bothered at the end of the movies, but now, with the first signs of storms, it was obviously untrue.
I’m a little confused with this sentence. I can get the general idea that Jeph is afraid of signs, but the way you phrased the end, it was obviously untrue doesn’t seem to me as though it’s a complete sentence. It confuses me just a little bit.
“Can we, um, go to your bedroom? There’re no, um, windows in there,”
I love how innocently this sentence is put together. I love innocence in a character; it makes them seem more human because not every person out there is bound to be a sex addict and know everything about sex. XD So the innocence in this sentence makes me smile a lot Though the comma at the end should probably be a period. ^__^
“Aw, c’mon, Jeph! That’s so not fucking fair! I wanna know who you got the hots for!” Dan exclaimed, leaning forward, two or so inches from Jeph’s face.
I love this sentence, too. I don’t know what sticks out about it to me, but it does. And I love it. You’ve definitely got a talent for creating an atmosphere, as I said in one of my other reviews of your stories. I can feel like I’m in that room, with the storm all around me, watching Jeph and Dan. It feels real to me; something that I don’t often feel when reading stories. : )
I just realized that this is nowhere near as long as any of my other reviews that I’ve done for you. : ( But it was truly an amazing one-shot to read--your stuff always is a pleasure to read--and I’m really glad that I reviewed it.
I’ve never read a used slash before, so I’ll try my best. I’m eager to read it, though. The description makes it sound really good, and the picture is cute. ^__^
It had taken a lot of coaxing, a million and one soft songs, and Dan allowing Jeph to crawl on his lap then Dan having to hold him before his oh-so-heavy eyelids slipped shut.
I love how this paragraph is phrased. The description of a million and one soft songs touched me the most; it makes me smile. I can clearly visualize this happening, and I like visualizations. There’s just one thing I want to mention that may make it better, and that’s the oh-so-heavy part. I think I would italicize it, but that’s mostly just a personal choice, so I don’t think it’s bad. I just thought I’d point it out.
Jeph hadn’t seemed too bothered at the end of the movies, but now, with the first signs of storms, it was obviously untrue.
I’m a little confused with this sentence. I can get the general idea that Jeph is afraid of signs, but the way you phrased the end, it was obviously untrue doesn’t seem to me as though it’s a complete sentence. It confuses me just a little bit.
“Can we, um, go to your bedroom? There’re no, um, windows in there,”
I love how innocently this sentence is put together. I love innocence in a character; it makes them seem more human because not every person out there is bound to be a sex addict and know everything about sex. XD So the innocence in this sentence makes me smile a lot Though the comma at the end should probably be a period. ^__^
“Aw, c’mon, Jeph! That’s so not fucking fair! I wanna know who you got the hots for!” Dan exclaimed, leaning forward, two or so inches from Jeph’s face.
I love this sentence, too. I don’t know what sticks out about it to me, but it does. And I love it. You’ve definitely got a talent for creating an atmosphere, as I said in one of my other reviews of your stories. I can feel like I’m in that room, with the storm all around me, watching Jeph and Dan. It feels real to me; something that I don’t often feel when reading stories. : )
I just realized that this is nowhere near as long as any of my other reviews that I’ve done for you. : ( But it was truly an amazing one-shot to read--your stuff always is a pleasure to read--and I’m really glad that I reviewed it.