Starboy. - Comments

Your style of writing reminds me of Joyce Carol Oates. Really intelligent and unique.

Oh my Lord, Sam. Just oh my Lord. I don't know how you do it, how you manage to take my breath away each and every time I read your work. Your description is just so beautiful, so stunning, so full of emotions. It's unlike anything else I read. Let me see if I can get my thoughts in order and leave a semi-intelligable review.

We start with Tom on a bridge on a raining night. This much is certain. After that, though, everything else is kind of thrown into speculation; why is he there? What does he want? Is he there to jump or is that just a thought that crosses his mind and he has to obey? I'm taking a guess that he's schizophrenic, by the thoughts and the line: He can’t breathe, because nobody’s ever taught him how to disobey. in the first part. And there are also hints of it in the second part, when he reacts to his thoughts, much to the concern of Danny, and the fact that these thoughts are written in a POV of someone else, telling him to do stuff, rather than telling himself to do stuff. I hope you know what I mean. What I love about that is the fact that you don't just come out and say "HAI I'M TOM AND I'M A SCHIZO" you know? I mean, it seems elementary but to be honest I've seen that a few times, and I know you have to, so the way you weave it into your story so elegantly yet obliquely, it's genius.

I think one of my favorite lines in this chapter is: He promptly vomits a desaturated rainbow, and faints. It's such a simple line, especially compared to your usual twisting and turning run-on sentences full of elegant descriptions, that it's a perfect way to end the first part of the chapter. Sometimes, I like the sound of just telling certain things in writing, because the crispness of just putting something out there sounds better than describing it. I'm sorry, I'm making absolutely no sense because my mind has been blown by this first chapter.

Now, continuing on to the second part. I can tell it's Danny from the startsince I caught your teasers on RtSG because of the dialogue. The little nuances and errors are so perfect in their imperfections that I can hear Danny's voice in my head, saying these things and oh, it makes me smile so much despite the sad tone of this chapter. You're such a good writer, hun. Accents are so hard to write, at least they are for me, but Danny's is spot on. Amazing.

Another one of my favorite lines in the story: He doesn’t look like a hero. After all that description of Danny, of Tom scrutinizing him as closely, if not closer, than Danny is doing to him, it's the perfect line to tie it all up. Because the way you describe Danny, so vividly in my head that even if I didn't know what he looked like, I would be able to see him in my mind, with his own problems etched onto his face, just another normal person off the street, yet he did something so powerful; he saved Tom from committing suicide. It's like when I read about those stories in the news of similar types of actions, and I see the picture of the person in question, they don't look like what we all think of when we think of heroes; Superman, Spider Man, Wonder Woman...and the like. They're just regular people, like you and me, and that's the beauty of it.

I'm just gonna say that I know exactly how Tom feels when the food is put in front of him. Even when I'm hungry, sometimes, if my stomach's having an off day, the smell of the food is enough to make me want to puke. So I'm just sitting there, lips pursed together and hand on my stomach beneath the table, watching whoever I'm with eat because I'm scared if I open my mouth or try to swallow something I'll vomit everywhere. It's so horrible, it makes me want to just smoosh Tom.

I'm now curious as to who Danny reminds Tom of. It makes me excited for the next chapter, hoping that it tells me who it is.

When Tom fled, I was like "NUUUUH!" because I got scared that this one time encounter would be the end, and it would be a while before Danny and Tom had another chance encounter. My mind works in odd ways, considering that I know this is a Flones.

The fact that Tom was homeless made my heart heavy. I want Danny to go find him, scoop him up into his arms and snuggle him for a little bit before placing him into his truck and driving him home. I really hope he does, because I get the feeling that Tom's a broken boy who deserves some warmth and love. And since Danny left his number in his pocket, I get the feeling that he got that same feeling too.

Sammmm. You break my heart with these stories, but I love it so much. You're so talented, I must admit, I'm jealous But in the best of ways, of course. lovee youuu.

I lied, it was seven words. >.<

I feel like the title chapter should be capitilized. Like all of it, of course except for the unimportant words such as "the", etc.

a parasite of insanity. I love this.

I really like the repetition of the phrase do it.

I'm also quite in love with your descriptions, they're so precise and detailed. Not too little, a bit too much, but still amazing.

He can’t breathe, because nobody’s ever taught him how to disobey so far this is my favorite line. It sort of completely describes Tom. Like he wants to challenge himself but he's terrified to, and he doesn't know how to .

I like how you make Danny take out the coffees because he doesn't have enough money. That's a very good quality to have in writing, making things realistic. I also love the way you describe him eating.

The only mistake that I found was at the note Danny wrote it was six words, not seven.

Otherwise it's quite fantastic. I can tell you've tried quite hard to make this a good read, and you've done just that. Keep it up, you've found yourself a new subscriber. :)

Wow wow wow wow wow. That was simply wonderful. I really can't say anything else.

His flyaway hair is straggled, knotted by the wind as tightly as if it were a sailor running calloused hands through his fair locks.

This analogy seems kinda of awkward. I don't really understand the "sailor" part, maybe I am not understanding it, I had to read it a few times and I still didn't quite get it. So, for me, that very first line didn't have the impact I felt that it should.

He can feel the lump in his throat rise like congealed bile and his hands almost slice like liver upon the metal.

This line, however, is so much better. I really love the "congealed bile" because it gives me this kind of image that is both something disgusting and beautiful at the same time. It probably sounds weird, but I think the word "congealed" sounds pretty. But that is probably something else that is just me, but I think it works perfectly in the context of the story.

I also like the italized "do it" in between the first two paragraphs. They are subtle and short, and sweet. They aren't like long winded italized monologues that I tend to see people do. It's jabbing, like a sword (i nu righ?).

You're narration is beautiful, I have to say. There were some lines that I read and just fell in love with. I mean, your writing isn't overly metaphoric, or overly descriptive. It has the perfect balance of being realistic, and not to overdramatic. One line I really liked was: He promptly vomits a desaturated rainbow, and faints.. That line caught me off guard a bit. I was like "what the hell is desaturated rainbow?" I love it though XD

I kind of realize that this is a fanfiction for something I don't know. So, I was kind of lost throughout the story. That isn't your fault. It can stand alone, with the right tweeking, which is really good- I feel- for a fanfiction writer. Especially when you want a wide variety of people to read your story.

The last few paragraphs were so deep. I mean, There was something so tragic in your descriptions- and you did it without using overly dramatic words. I don't know, it is so hard to explain, but the writing was so lyrical and beautiful and yet delicate like it would shatter if I thought too hard.

And this: In case you ever need it.
Danny.

That's all you give us from the letter. And it fucking worked beautifully. I don't know why, but it pulled at my heartstrings. Like I said, I don't really know what this is a fanfiction of (if this is a fanfiction) but man, it just made my emotions wilt. The whole experience is physical, its beautiful, and real. I don;t even know what to say anymore, I just hope you like the review.

You used so much detail in your first paragraph. Personally I love detail, so it got me interested.

His face is an oxymoron; by rights it should shine like the juvenile sun it is, dimpled and wide and light personified – but the grin stretched over his face now hosts something dangerous in its corners, a parasite of insanity. And he hears the words.
Never have I read someone compare a face to an oxymoron, and had I not read it here and now, it wouldn't make sense to me. Every point of this analogy covers it properly and doesn't leave the reader wondering anymore about how this character has been compared to an oxymoron.

Do it.
Insight, and good insight at that. I loved these bits because... well, they were just their own lines and sort of demanded attention and would leave someone thinking things like, "Oooh, what is it? I want to know more!"

I love how intense the "Do it"'s have gotten, sort of as if they're throwing themselves at the character, bombarding it with pressure.

He gulps, whimpers drowning in thick saliva, as the voice pushes him blindly towards the edge – and suddenly, magically, there are unfamiliar fingers round his wrist dragging him back to safety, back to nausea.
I'm not really sure why, but this is my favourite paragraph; hands down. I loved the way you worded this and gave me the idea of how he feels.

For all it's worth (I have limited time at the moment), this is one of the best pieces of writing I have ever read on mibba. The detail was brilliant and the relationship with the two characters was kind of touching. The only thing I would say to fix is to make it a bit more understandable in certain areas, like, as to what's physically going on.

One Shot for One Shot.

Holy crap.

Just holy crap.

This deserves so much more than a passing comment. I'll try to be concise, I don't really have much time. Sorry if this review is terrible. :cute:

I was drawn to this primarily for the title. Starboy. I think everyone and their Grandma knows that anything with a spacey-edge draws my attention. So, boy oh boy, I was not disappointed.

You have this grandiose writing style. I don't mean that as an insult btw, it's good. The quality of your imagery is spectacular. Really. Spectacular. It's in a romantic style - it's Victorian literature of the 21st century. That timefuck in your style is glorious. :XD You really suit that. And third person: man oh man, even though if I could marry first person, I would, but this would not work in first person. It needed that seperation, that self-analysis from an alternative view point. Using Tom as your focaliser was the best - although it'd be helluva interesting to see it from Danny's point of view.

The story itself is astounding. Life and death, that is one small step for some and one giant leap for others. That trepidation, the fear, the physiological effects of it...wowza. I also loved the removal of a specific 'illness' - like, Tom's illness wasn't shoved down the reader's throat which I think hinders the fuck out of a story. Research is fine but textbooks are only good for students, not literature. Anyway, from the semantic fields, you can just tell how fragile, how fractured, depressed even Tom was. I mean:

opal limbs streaked with sapphire veins crashed clumsily against slippery orange rust,

Not only my favourite line but there is so much! Opals are unlucky so you get that natural 'unluckiness' about him that may have driven him like that. Also, precious gems - rocks eternal - against death, decay, rust. It's drool worthy. I could analyse this so much and get a million images but time and your patience may snap before then.

The images of the two characters that I got were interesting too. I had Tom sort of...junkie-ish. Like Sick Boy from Trainspotting. Fluffy, slightly matted hair, dark eyes, pale as hell skin, thin as hell. Danny however, he was more like a younger Christopher Eccleston a la Doctor Who: dark clothes, short hair, older than Tom. I don't know where they came from but interesting none the less.

I love the accents, by the way. There are so few accents 'round here. It gets annoying.

It's brilliant, really bloody brilliant.

Sorry for the crapness of this. :XD again.

holyshitholyshitholyshit
that was fucking amazing.
i don't even think you understand how crazy good this is. :cheese:
i honestly... gah. i have no words.

juggernaut.:

It's obvious that you loved writing this piece, and I think it's amazing how much you love these boys. I wish I had a hero to admire like you admire them.

i would make an attempt to organize my rambling, but i have to go off and do french homework
i am so definitely subscribing. au revoir. x

You use a lot of big words I don't understand omgno:
But it just adds to the :cheese: ness of this

I thought you portrayed the two sides of Tom really well - I could feel the emotion and tension. The whole piece was beautiful, well written and not a fault to it. Some parts were a bit hard for me to read though with the huge words but my head does kill :tehe:

I know how much this means to you, and you've really outdone yourself with this piece. It's amazing and I can't wait to read more :arms:

The best bit for me though was reading Danny's speach in a farmer accent ~~

I love this, even though it's made me incredibly depressed. You are a fantastic writer Sam, and I can't wait until you publish a book. It's obvious that you loved writing this piece, and I think it's amazing how much you love these boys. I wish I had a hero to admire like you admire them.

This was just so beautiful. All of it. opal limbs streaked with sapphire veins crashed clumsily against slippery orange rust is just lovelylovelylovely. :brightside:

I'm so jealous of your talent, bbz. I love you :arms:

This is beautiful! A more detailed comment is heading your way because this is, as always, no less than perfection.
Just...

God. I wish I could do this.
:arms: love you.

I know I beta-ed this but I'm going to say it again:

I love this. It's just... incredible. In a word. I could list all the things I love about it, but I'm lazy so I'll just say it again: you are an incredible writer. I'm so jealous.

I'm subscribing. If you post another chapter, I'll review it. :cute: Now there's some incentive for you. So get writing and posting!