Thanks I will definitally keep that in mind. oh and Chaos was a typo, I hate when fire fox wont catch my typos. it makes me sad. D:
September 21st, 2009 at 07:15pm
I'm guessing that the title being "Choas" is a typo? Meaning "Chaos"? If not, I'm intrigued as to the reson behind it.
I think the chief thing is to watch your paragraphs. You can either paragraph by having a blank line in between, or tabbing each new paragraph in once. Also, be wary of long, long, long paragraphs, it tends to make them difficult to read. Find a place where you can make a new one, the results will be worthwhile.
I think one thing that is detracting is a real lack of contractions. If you put in a few it makes the reading a lot smoother, flows more and particularly think about it in terms of conversation. I'm not convinced that these characters would speak so formally.
I like the idea behind this, I can see potential for some very good characters evolving from it, but I think they need more work in terms of speech and just letting it flow together.
Also, I'd recommend that you make an effort with summary, not meaning to be too rude here. It's what pulls readers in, so avoid the mindless stuff about how your story's just started, etc, etc, etc. That's more author's notes stuff.
But I'd be interested to read more of this, definitely.