The Rose Epitaph - Comments

Alright, so, I only read the first chapter so far, only because, and I don't know if it's just me and the lighting in my room or something, but the grey-on-black font is really hard for me to see. But I can just highlight the page, so that's not really an issue.

I really loved your first sentence. There are a lot of stories that I just stop reading because the first sentences are so uninteresting. Yours didn't have any detail. It didn't launch right into Dylan's history and his problems and give away the whole plot. It was very short and to the point and made me want to keep reading.

Your descriptions are also great. The word choice is perfect. Your writing style has such attitude, and it isn't flowery at all so far, which I love.

Well, now I'm off to read the next two chapters, and probably check out some of your other stuff after that.

Oh, and *subscribes*

Really great update. You have amazing writing skills. :)

I don't have nearly as much to pick on in this one, I restrained myself. Only one thing jumped out at me -

"“What?” Quinn asked with a hint of attitude."
Who's Quinn? That confused the crap out of me.

Now that I'm done picking on things,

"And the “Mexican”, the last one, and was dubbed the Mexican for his tanned skin."
Casual racism, I absolutely love it.

"Then he got sick all over the front porch and laughed at the green and red vomit."
I snickered. I thought it was funny. Enough said.

"He was disappointed, when all he saw was a tall, broad, security guard dressed in plain clothes barking out orders with a classy smile on his face."
... are you serious? Like... are there actually security guards in American schools? That whole part just had me dumbfounded.

Anygay, I really liked this one as well. It kinda amuses me how Dylan behaves, and I just love his attitude.

I found that this story flowed a little bit better then Cherry Soda Boy, but that could just be me. Regardless, your writing skills are very well developed and the talent is definately there.

I admire you for the way you can write dialogue so well.

I quite like this in a way though I don't usually read this sort of thing. It was very descriptive and showed Dylan's feelings well. Good job.

Wow, I actually liked this! I could see everything he was seeing...you have a gift!

Loved it

:}

Both of the stories you recced me looked interested, I just decided to comment this one because it has less comments and whatnot.

I love how in the first paragraph of the first chapter you've really captured Dylan's feeling of helplessness, and I get the impression that he's using the angst to sort of mask his vulnerablity. Of course I'm probably wrong.

I also like how you've perfectly portrayed how life can just change in an instance, whether you like it or not.

He pondered why his father sent some orange skinned, white haired, lawyer with an obnoxious accent all the way to fucking Utah just to get custody? - This line really stood out to me. I've never heard of the term "orange skinned" being associated with a man. When I think orange skin, I always picture those girls who spend way too much time in a tanning bed, but I liked the shift. It shows how foreign things are in New York to Dylan.

No one wanted the defective model. - This line literally has me at a loss for words. It's amazing.

I appreciate the dynamics of Dylan's relationship with Aaron. Even though he puts up the shallow front over Aaron's wealth, I can tell he has a soft spot for his friend.

You're an amazing writer. You obviously have your own style, and you've done a really good job writing from a male's perspective, which is something I'll probably never be good at. Even though Dylan seems like a cold and distant character, I still feel like I can relate to him on some level, and I think that's due to your perfect use of characterization.

I love your writing style, especially the way you describe things. One thing I don't like about a story is when they over describe things, but you had just the right amount.

I really really liked it, especially the chapter when he went to his new school. I love how blunt you were about it. I'm subscribing. :)

I've only gotten past the first chapter, but I felt I should comment immediately.
I really do adore your writing style.
I know I've read something of yours before and whether or not I commented, I don't remember.

But, what I've just read I've adored.
I'm glad you use originality. I just love it when someone uses a plotline that is all their own.
And it's not like everything else that's on this website.
And I don't mean fanfictions[they can be original as I'm sure you know].

I'm completely interested in continuing this and I'm very excited to see what comes of it.
Your'e very talented.
I love the angry tone of the narration as well. It just fits.
You've got a way with words, midear.

I really like this story! It's awesome.
You are a very great writer.
Update soon!

I caught this on the pimping & reccing thread and thought to check it out.
I really, really like this so far. I love the bitter, angry tone of the narration, and the your descriptions are really flawless. I'm sorry I don't have a more constructive comment but I'm definitely subscribing and I'm looking forward to future chapters. Also, I don't know if you are, too, but I'm a New Yorker, so you can check facts/places with me if you have to.

I actually really like this story, which I started reading because I had too... I would hate to be in this kid's position. Oh, and it's not that I expected the story to be bad, but I'm not normally into slash, and some of the stories I have read for prizes sucked... I think I'm going to subscribe. :D

Dang. You're just a really great writer. Your flow is amazing and you paint a picture in my head, which is my absolutely favorite thing when I'm reading.

The amount of detail is perfect, which is a lot hard to do than some people think. Great job!

Wow, I absolutely loved this. It's so well written, I can picture everything in my mind perfectly.
I already adore Dylan. I hope you update soon.

Someone suggested this story and I have to say: they gave me a great story to read. I loved the detail, the bitterness of the words, how you made it sound like something everyday.

Someone suggested this story to me, and I love it so far.
Especially Dylan, haha.
Subscribed! :D

Okay, perfect detail and descriptions, I love the way you word it. Just the way everything sounds so evil or hateful, awesome xD And then you do have really good character developement, good grammar, good spelling; all that good stuff =P
I love the storyline and everything about it, again, thumbs up about the name. Even better =P So I'll be keeping a close eye on this one too.

Thank you for getting me to read these by the way =P

I didn’t really like beginning of the first paragraph – loved the last three sentences though, especially the reiteration in the last two. There was something about it that didn’t really flow well. For me, it wasn’t as captivating as the first chapter’s first paragraph.

Loved the bitterness in the second paragraph, that you managed to put so much personal feeling into the third person that way.

He had the upper hand.

This got me thinking. I liked that it’s kind of cryptic because the readers don’t really know what the heck that means, and it makes me interested.

The smell of car exhaust and sweat found its way into his nose, tickling his senses with the unfamiliar scent, as car horns from yellow taxi cabs and gruff foreign accents provided music.

I like the small detail there about the cabs and the foreign accents. I thought that was something that was subtle but it added a lot to the description.

Seventeen-year-olds shouldn’t have to remember to pick up their two-year-old from daycare. Twenty-year-olds shouldn’t have to remember to pack a change of clothes incase their four-year-old wet his pants at school.

I LOVE all the small bits of bitterness that you slip in this chapter. I like that Dylan always seems to contradict himself (acting like things doesn’t bother him but then the readers can still tell that it does). And I like that you’re giving us bits about his past without being blatantly obvious about it or doing the “flashback” thing.

Lawyer frown marks, Dylan figured.

:)

The car ride was silent- the radio was not allowed on since the “business” was apparently so important- save for the sound of the wind against the car, and the roaring engines of the other cars around them.

I found the break-up of the sentence a little confusing. The interruption seemed to really interrupt (ay!) the sentence for me here and I couldn’t get back into it after.

into a million different personalities in a minute as he spoke to millions of different people.

This part reminded me of a Dane Cook bit about how woman like to exaggerate everything. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. It was kind of distracting for me, but that could just be because I’m very easily distracted.

Dylan stared at him for a long time, contemplating explaining everything that was wrong with that sentence. “No.”

Haha. Liked that bit of humor and I like the little mini convo Dylan is having with his father. And I like that Dylan seem to be very sarcastic in his head but he’s not just another obnoxious teen.

The tension in the car was great, especially the part about Dylan knowing that his father wanted to say something. I found that part very relatable. I think we’ve all that moment when we can just tell our parents are going to say something or they want to say something and we’re just kind of rolling our eyes or praying that they just shut the hell up.

The end was kind of shocking, the sudden surge from Dylan to be coddled and mothered, but I liked it. I like that he has moments where he’s vulnerable.

Can’t wait for the next update.

Really good second chapter.
I love the way you described everything.
It makes it eaiser to imagine what it looks like & Dylan's perspective.

My comments are tiny compared to everyone else
Ahaa!

Anyways,
Awesome, update soon (:

I seem to remember you saying that you sucked at third person...yeeeeaaaaah. Okay.

Loved the opening lines. It created this perfect tone to the story and to the chapter. It got me interested in the story. I really liked the varied sentence length; there was something about that which made everything bit stand out more.

To point out all the fucking flaws with their decision- their decision.

Great reiteration here. It works very well. I could feel a sort of whine behind the words and that also helped set the tone of the chapter.

Taking him from the snowy mountains of Utah to the tall, jail like, buildings of New York City.

I liked this bit. It made me think of how people who don’t grow up in the city thing of it. I can definitely imagine how person would feel like the jam-packed building could feel like prison and constricting.

In this chapter you really chose your words well. I feel like you went over each and every sentence to make sure that the words are used as best as they good. I loved that, that each sentence is perfect.

He pondered why his father sent some orange skinned, white haired, lawyer with an obnoxious accent all the way to fucking Utah just to get custody?

Reading this part made me think that maybe his father was in California, with the fake Hollywood time. I dunno. It was just a bit confusing for a moment.

His mother didn’t have any family, or any family who would want a stoic teenager with clear emotional attachment issues.

I was bit confused here too, since I thought he was going to live with his father because his father was taking him away from his mother. But when I read that, I thought that maybe his mother had died and his father was the only one who could take him in.

while the father who abandoned him six years ago was opening his overly ornate door to his bastard son.

Another great line. :)

‘He deserves a fair chance to be successful in this world.’ Isn’t that what they said?

I liked this; it made me really feel for the situation. The parents (or the people involved) talking about him like he wasn’t even there, that’s one of those things that happen. I liked that it was very realistic.

And I liked the rest of the paragraph too. All the different scenarios scrunched into this little bit. It’s kind of scattered and fluttery and it made me feel frantic.

He read the message: ‘I miss you! Come back! We can run away to California.’

I don’t know why, but that made me laugh. Crazy over-dramatic friends. Love it.

And the closing was perfect.

-

This was a really really great opening chapter. It’s kind of ambiguous, but there’s just enough information there to keep the readers interested. I can just imagine it, a guy sitting in an airport and monologue-ing in his head about this shit he’s got to deal with. The situation with his parents, from what you’ve revealed, is realistic in away, but not overdone. I love that you didn’t make him a complete loner, the one really loyal friend was a nice touch a think.

I liked it…a lot.

This seems pretty good so far, and that it will be really good.
Can't wait to see what happenes next.