Paper Stars - Comments

Story Review Game:

Firstly, I’ll comment on the layout, I liked it a lot. It was very simple, yet elegant and it gave me a sort of spooky but also reminiscent feel. It sort of confused me as to what the story was all about.

This was really a lot shorter than I expected but that’s okay. You got the point of the story across well in the short few paragraphs that you have. I think if you had made it longer you would have just ended up repeating yourself.

At first, I really liked that she was sitting in a field on her own, watching everyone with a mischievous grin, but as I read on, you contradicted this feeling totally. I understand why she has a mischievous grin, she’s waiting anxiously for the night to come, but then at the end you said that she becomes disheartened when the day comes. Just to me, that mischievous grin made it seem like she did have hope at all times. It just seemed odd to have her in a somewhat pleasant mood at the beginning and then be suddenly turned to desperation.

There were some tense changes throughout, specifically right at the beginning. I’m not sure if you did this on purpose, but if not just watch out for it.

I really enjoyed the idea of this though; I know I haven’t said much about what I liked. I’m not one to usually get metaphors upon reading the first time but you made the underlining meaning in this so concrete that I was able to find it immediately.

It was very cute. :D

:cheese:

That's really good :)

One shot for one shot

It's just so... prettiful. It flows really well, and the soft words really help to create a gentle tone that really works with the story.
I love the stars metaphor. It's just so beautiful, and makes me go 'aw'.
I like that it's short. It makes it more ambiguous, and leaves it open for anything to happen, really.
But it would be really good as a longer piece. There's so much you could develop. But, it works fine as it is.

I only have one tiny little criticism. I'm not sure if you meant to, but it switches tenses a few times. It could be intentional, I don't know, but it was just a bit confusing.

But apart from that, I loved it. It was so pretty and well-written and I wish there was more because it captivated me. You're a really good writer.