Faltering Smile, Seductive Repose. - Comments

  • Cristina Scabbia

    Cristina Scabbia (220)

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    Hey, guess who's finally got their arse into gear and is going to give this a review? XD Sorry it's taken so long, I know I suck. :( Here's the first update I missed, the other review will come soon.

    I like how Kaoru is just so...unaccepting (is that a word, lol?) of what his sexual orientation might be and the person that he's feeling attracted to. He knows that his mind is wandering to Die, but he doesn't want to find him attractive because he feels like it's wrong for a person to be gay. It's almost abnormal to him and that's kind of sad that he's gone through life like that, incredibly closed-minded because of what his father had said in the past about these sorts of things.

    This was very good; I thought it was a really effective description. There was something charismatic about the redhead, he exuded an aura that drew the blond in. It's quite poetic and an interesting way of describing Die. It's like he's in his own little world and Kaoru wants to join him in this little world, but he's holding himself back. He wasn't attracted to him, surely?

    This was really sad. His father had always taught him that and then when he left, his mother had continued to give the lessons...But, he still didn’t want to be gay, he wanted to be loved by his parents and treated like their son, instead of being disowned and abandoned. He's been brought up to believe that being a "different" sexuality is wrong, because of his parents, and I get the impression that maybe he doesn't have a close relationship with his parents. I think he feels that if he acts exactly to his parents wishes, then that might make them love him a bit more. I think that it's all been emphasised by his father leaving, and having to satisfy two separate entities, rather than just his parents. They're like two separate people, rather than one strong family unit, and I think that's affected Kaoru more than he's let on.

    I thought Kaoru's insight into his mother was particularly interesting, what with the fact that he could tell that his mother held his father in high regard, despite the fact that he'd run off with her best friend, and her way of coping is just to see as many other men as she could, to try to take her mind off him. I think her relationships are always short-lived though because she just wants her new partner to be like Kaoru's father. But he never is.

    Oh Kaoru, so shallow with no concept of money. :( The clothes he had were so last season. Plus, someone else had the same jeans he had and that was problematic. This sentence kind of makes me want to slap Kaoru in the face and tell him off for being so obsessed on appearances and thinking that money grows on trees. :tehe: I think this is the key difference between Kaoru and Die. Kaoru is seemingly more interested on what is on the outside, meanwhile Die is more interested on what is on the inside.

    One of the things I like most about your writing is the fact that you can go from serious to amusing between paragraphs and it doesn't end up sounding forced or fake. Wait... what the hell? Luscious? A small growl left Kaoru's throat. I don't know what's the most amusing thing about this sentence. The fact that Kaoru is getting angry at himself for describing Die's lips as "luscious", or the fact that he actually had to growl to try and tell himself that what he was thinking was wrong (well, wrong for him, anyway). Brilliant XDD

    I very much liked the way that Kaoru described Die's hair - long, endless scarlet hair that fell in messy ribbons around Die's shoulders, getting in Kaoru's way every single maths lesson. It starts off being really poetic and beautiful (I especially liked the fact it was described as ribbons, it was a clever metaphor), and then he ends up insulting it because he doesn't want to accept the fact that he finds Die attractive (well, not yet, anyway XD) so he tries to compensate by saying that it's just a hindrance and is just annoying for him because it gets in his way. Kaoru is so stubborn, lmao.

    The point of view switch confused me at first, it might have been more helpful to put a little divider in the story to emphasise the change. But saying that, I think the little bit in Die's point of view was one of the strongest parts of the story. I liked how Die's family was described as being really close, emphasising the fact that him and Kaoru really are polar opposites.

    I really like how you've written Die and Kisa. It's really obvious how close they are, because Kisa always seems to understand just what Die means without him speaking a word. She really understands him. In some stories like this, it all seems a bit wooden and it's like when a mute is communicating with somebody else, it's like the person is reading the mute's mind, but you've written this really natural and I like how Kisa is able to read Die by his body language and expressions. Really good.

    I liked being able to see Kaoru through Die's point of view, since the start of the part was very Kaoru-centric. I found it interesting that Die views Kaoru as his arch nemesis. If only he knew what this arch nemesis was thinking about him! XDD

    I love how Kaoru has gotten really paranoid. "I'm not fucking gay!" He yelled at the poster on his wall, shouting in the face of one of his idols, who appeared to be watching him suspiciously. It's as if he feels like everybody is judging him and everybody has their eyes on him to see what his next move is going to be. He's worried about what people think of him, more than anything, and he can't come to terms with the possibility that he could be gay. He just doesn't want it to enter his mind - he has to be straight in order to remain as the leader as the popular kids. He doesn't want to lose his social standing, it appears.

    I loved how awkward Kaoru was with speaking to Die. It was actually really cute. :lmfao It's funny how he's the coolest kid in school and everybody wants to hang out with him, but he can't seem to bring himself to be able to speak with somebody who he finds attractive. It's really adorable. XD And the fact he just starts off the little conversation between the pair of them by talking about PORN of all things. I thought that was highly amusing, it just shows how awkward Kaoru feels and how little he appears to know about starting off conversations. :lmfao

    And finally, the ending note of the part. Kyo's comment just made this part for me. XD I hope you felt privileged, Die-kun. You best mark it in your diary. November twentieth. The day Kaoru Niikura pulled the stick out of his arse. LMFAO. I love how Kyo isn't afraid to speak his mind! And I liked how it was a back-handed compliment; he made fun of Kaoru but at the same time complimented him for taking the time to show some kindness to somebody.

    Great update. And I will leave feedback for the other part soon. :)
    June 14th, 2010 at 09:52pm
  • Cristina Scabbia

    Cristina Scabbia (220)

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    Hello, how slow am I when it comes to reviewing? Well I've done as much calculus as I can manage and I feel very stressed so I figured I'd destress by coming and reviewing this, which I believe is nearly a month overdue (which I feel absolutely dreadful for, hopefully this review will make up for the horrific wait). Anyway. I'll stop waffling and get on with it. :)

    I thought the way you opened it was really sad. Die had never been much good in the mornings...always clinging rebelliously to that last inch of sleep long after he was meant to be up It shows that he has a hard time putting on a smile in the mornings and although it's been said in the character description that he was an optimist and has a smile for everybody, I do get the impression from this little bit that he does struggle to motivate himself a little bit, especially with what happened with Kaoru earlier. I think that he's a little bit wary about going to school, now.

    And this says a lot about Die's reluctance. He couldn’t help but be angry with his parents, especially his father, for moving here. I think that at his old home, he at least had a few friends - even if he was bullied for his disability - and in this new place, he has nobody because Kaoru doesn't "approve" (if that's the right word to use?) of him and nobody wants to go against Kaoru because he's one of the popular kids and what he says goes. It made me feel really sad to read the bit a little earlier, from when Die was described as being uprooted from his small town because that was where he felt safe.

    Immediately his reluctance becomes more apparent with this line. maths was his first torture session of the day It was just the way it was described - as a "torture" session, rather than something he just "dreaded". It was a much better description and it helped me to see exactly how much Die does not want to go to maths because it involves sitting next to Kaoru (something I can completely empathise with, for the first few weeks of my maths course this girl would tag along with me and sit next to me, she was the most dull person ever and she smelt bad, and this is irrelevant to the story but yeah, basically I know how Die feels. tehe)

    The bit with Kyo was really sweet, what with him telling Die to refer to him as "Kyo" instead of his embarrassing as fuck birth name. It shows an informality and it was nice to know that Die does have somebody, even if it's one of the people who would be considered ~uncool. And this line in particular was really beautiful. being instructed to refer to his friend in a personal way made him feel wanted, trusted and respected, something he’d rarely felt before. It was nice to know that Die felt accepted by Kyo and it made me feel happy that he's been accepted by Kyo, who doesn't really give a damn about reputation (which is the best to be, really).

    I think Die hit the nail on the head, here. It was something that pissed Die off no end, especially since the blond boy had seemed so much more intelligent than the rest of his so called friends. To be honest, I think Die has more friends than Kaoru. I mean sure, Kaoru is popular. But these "friends" of his aren't real friends, they're just friends with him because it's the cool thing to be. I don't think any of his friends are really genuine like Kyo is with Die, and it really emphasises the fact that just because you don't have many friends doesn't mean that the friends you have aren't any good. :)

    Aww Die. :( His disability didn’t affect him too much usually, he was optimistic enough for it not to drag him down...but there were bad days too and today was one of them. I think this reiterates my whole point earlier of Die sometimes hiding behind a smile. I like how you focused on this because it was good to see a darker side of Die because it gives his character more dimensions and holds my interest further.

    It was sweet how Die's mum crumbled and let Die go in late without quizzing him about why he wanted to skip maths. It shows that she cares about him, and would prefer for him to be happy, over anything else. And this, His mood had brightened considerably and it amused him how much it had improved his morning by not having to turn up to that dreadful lesson. It's kinda sad how Die's mood suddenly brightens due to the fact that he doesn't have to go to his maths lesson and he gets to avoid Kaoru for another day.

    Sorry about quoting quite a bit here. Kaoru had learnt his name was Takamasa and then forgot it again within ten minutes. It didn't really matter. They didn't even speak to each other much at all. As long as people knew his name, he was happy. I think that people just seem to be disposable to Kaoru, he doesn't care if he never speaks to them again, just as long as they know who he is. I think that's a really selfish attitude and shows that he's quite a lazy person, what with not wanting to make an effort to maintain friendships.

    However, I like the fact that Kaoru is getting eaten away by worry about Die. His conscience is finally starting to creep through and he's starting to feel a bit guilty about being mean to him, what with him missing Die sitting next to him. It amused me how Kaoru breathed a sigh of relief when he caught sight of Die, too. I'm really interested to see where you're going to be taking this relationship between them and you've definitely got me intrigued. This is such an original idea! :) Loved this update and once again, I'm sorry about the wait. Arms
    November 30th, 2009 at 07:49pm
  • Cristina Scabbia

    Cristina Scabbia (220)

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    Yes, I know I'm a complete fucking failure with leaving feedback on time. I have been swamped with work, and on my last free night I should have reviewed this, but I wrote instead. I feel so mean for making you wait but hopefully this review will make it worth the wait.

    I like how ambiguous the opening was and I like how Kaoru is a mystery - not a lot is really given away. He's described, but we're not given an insight into him, which I really liked. It made me want to read on because we're not told everything about him straight away. And this description was a particular favourite - Even though the sky was a thick blanket of dreary grey, he had his designer sunglasses on, giving him an enormous pair of black bug eyes. It's like Kaoru wants to hide behind these sunglasses, it's like a persona and Kaoru can hide his real self behind these sunglasses of his.

    I loved how the whole introduction was all serious, and then we get this. He looked good and going inside to find warmth never crossed his mind. After all, he needed a fag. First of all, I love his cockiness! It really suits his character and as you add all these little details, it slowly builds up a picture and I get a better insight into what Kaoru is like. And I loved the little bit about the cigarette at the very end! It shows a lighter side to his character and shows that he's not all about appearance.

    It was good how you described Kaoru as seeing a lot of nameless people. He's in a big school and although he's popular, he still doesn't know everybody. And he doesn't really care if he knows people, as long as people know him. It's kind of shallow but it just fits so seamlessly into his persona - it just matches Kaoru in this story perfectly. And the fact that he judges Die by his company really says a lot, what with the fact he hasn't even really met him. No one with any self respect went around with someone as weird as Tooru Nishimura. He's already drawing conclusions about Die before even meeting him, and I get the impression that he does it a lot. Kaoru seems to act a lot on first-impressions and if they do something wrong then they won't be deemed "cool enough" for his company.

    Sorry for quoting a lot. No one with any self respect went around with someone as weird as Tooru Nishimura, the school’s prize loner, the boy who practically excluded himself from the school’s entire community and constantly lurked by himself in the darkest shadows like a creepy pervert. Poor Kyo! I kind of want to give him a hug! XDD But anyway. This description was fabulous. It was kind of humorous with a dark underside to it. It really makes you sympathise with Kyo, and it's also like we're seeing Kyo completely through Kaoru's eyes because of how he was described. But at the same time I'm able to feel sympathy for him. Basically this makes you such a good writer for being able to do this. It makes me feel a little jealous that you can write as well as this! But anyway I'm digressing.

    Kaoru doesn't really have any regard for anything and appears to have no concept of things like money. He stubbed out his cigarette with the highly expensive shoes his mother bought him. He isn't somebody who has his feet on the ground and he doesn't really have any respect for his belongs. He just sees them as disposable and I really don't like his attitude towards his belongings.

    I loved the bit about Kaoru having a desk to himself. The whole paragraph was expertly written. It was also interesting to note that whilst Kaoru mocks Kyo for being a loner, he's being a loner in this class, what with not wanting to sit with anybody and wanting to have his own private zone. It's like there's one rule for him and one rule for everybody else. I really do see him as thinking he's above everybody else. It shows similarities to Kyo, in some senses, but I don't think that Kaoru would be happy to learn that!

    It was kind of sad to read how Kaoru judged Die based entirely on what he was wearing. Did this boy get dressed in the dark? The outfit was mismatched, no thought put into it whatsoever. He doesn't want to give Die a chance, just because he's not wearing any brands and doesn't necessarily fit into the "cool person" persona (even though we all know that Die is cooler than everybody Coffee). So Kaoru will have to eat his words.

    Seriously. I love how you can take a serious subject for this story and inject humour into it at any given moment. The best thing is that there's not too much and it's quite subtle. It's so obvious when people force humour, but this is very natural and just reads like the rest of the story does. It shows that you have a talent for writing. Kaoru knew she was doing it as revenge since he was always late to her class and constantly put his feet on her precious chair. I love how Kaoru thinks everybody is out to get him in this little extract! He's just pissed at the teacher that he has to share with the "uncool" kid and wants to do everything he can to maintain his reputation.

    I liked how you didn't just launch straight into Kaoru falling head over heels with Die and giving everything up, because it would just be incredibly unrealistic at this stage in the story. Kaoru has been set up as this "cool guy" character who wouldn't be seen dead with all the so-called "loser kids" and he wouldn't just start hanging round with Die straight away. Kaoru could feel the unease and tension in the body next to him and almost gave in, almost offered him a small smile as some form of reassurance. And this was just so realistic, what with the fact that he didn't do it. I like that he thought about it, but it shows that he's far too headstrong to try and do anything to help Die because he fears that he'll lose this reputation he's worked so hard for.

    OMG KYO XDDDDD “Watch where you’re going, asshole.” The small teenager growled, rubbing his elbow and giving the popular boy a death glare. First of all, DEATH GLARE! I can picture that perfectly! lmfao And I like that Kyo is unafraid to stand up to Kaoru. It shows that he doesn't care about reputations and he just seems to be the polar opposite to Kaoru, which makes it really interesting to read the interaction between the pair of them.

    The end line! Sorry for quoting a lot again. After a few seconds, Kaoru found his voice and he turned his head to face the redhead, making sure he was listening, gritting his teeth for composure, as simply looking at the other teen made him feel strange, “He’s a fucking freak.” It's like Kaoru's forgotten absolutely everything he's thought about in the class, what with feeling bad for humiliating Die in front of his classmates. I think this is his way of dealing with Die's disappointment from earlier - he just wants to make fun of him to make himself feel better (if that makes sense).

    Love this so far. Can't wait for more and I'm so sorry I took forever to leave this.
    October 16th, 2009 at 12:36am
  • quinn allman's hair.

    quinn allman's hair. (110)

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    I'm thoroughtly pleased that you told me about this. Yes indeedy. :weird

    Kaoru was truly grateful for the break, for the chance to unwind and be himself. Or at least, the Kaoru everyone expected him to be.

    Not that he had a problem with it. It was the Kaoru everyone liked, everyone respected and he was happy being that person because it gave him status and pride and attention from the females, everything a teenage boy could ask for.

    I had to quote it all :tehe:
    Kaoru outwardly seems, to me, to be that guy that most boys want to be friends with and most girls want to be with. The carefree, restless cool guy.
    But he's not fooling me! :hand: I know that underneath it all he's gonna be a softie.
    Especially towards Die.

    It earned him a few chuckles from various people in the class and a look from the redhead that affected him in a way that he didn’t quite understand. It was only a glance, a quick meeting of eye contact, but the tall boy gave him a look that almost hurt him. It wasn’t anger or sadness, simply disappointment, as if he had expected better from him. The con definitely outweighed the pros and Kaoru found himself feeling slightly ashamed and embarrassed.

    However, he didn’t let that show, just moved the bag, stubbornly refusing to look in the direction of the other boy.

    Oh Kaoru, you disappoint Tosh *shakes head* :XD
    He's so caught up in the image he portrays that he doesn't even give Die a chance.

    “Yeah,” After a few seconds, Kaoru found his voice and he turned his head to face the redhead, making sure he was listening, gritting his teeth for composure, as simply looking at the other teen made him feel strange, “He’s a fucking freak.”

    :tehe: Is that butterflies you're feeling? Oh, if he'd only lighten up a little and relax... XD Yeah, you can see how into this story I got.

    I can't wait for the next chapter. I hope Die gets back at him :tehe: Arms
    October 5th, 2009 at 04:10pm
  • summer girl.

    summer girl. (100)

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    So, I'm absolutely horrid at reviewing, but this is just too beautiful not to.

    So here goes nothing. tehe

    He and his comrades were the masters of posing, every single inch of their postures and outfits were thought out, carefully selected to give them that cool look they strived to maintain.

    God. This line. It has so much character development, without hardly any at all. It gives me a sense that they do this everyday, and yet it has this nonchalant air to it that I can't quite describe. They're so..cool.

    Nodding shortly at the dark-haired boy leaning on the wall next to him, he silently accepted the offer of a light for his cigarette, inhaling deeply, closing his eyes and smiling as the nicotine seeped in to his system.

    So, the imagery in this line is pure beauty. The way he casually accepts the cigarette, and then the "nicotine seeped," it's like I can actually visualize it going deeper and deeper into his body. Fantastic.

    He’d seen a lot of people today, but was fairly sure none of them were new, even if most of them were nameless to him.

    Again with the nonchalance that comes so effortlessly. It seems to be the trait that sticks out the most with this character, and it makes me wonder what's really going on with him. It makes me want to know what's going to happen, and whether he's hiding something. Just keeping up a false identity, and just really relaxed. Excellent character development.

    He stubbed out his cigarette with the highly expensive shoes his mother bought him and took off his shades, revealing deep brown, almond shaped eyes that were filled with humour as he turned to the other kid again. “Then, I think he and Nishimura are a match made in heaven. I must remember to give my congratulations to the happy couple.”[/i
    ]
    Your dialogue is flawless, the flow believable, and it reads incredibly smoothly.
    I can actually see your characters talking like that, and the dialect is spot on. I like how you casually slipped in the factor that his mother is rich, or that he's slightly spoiled in a way. It leads me back to guess that, maybe..that's what's causing him to act like this.

    Kaoru had to admit this guy looked all right in the tight black trousers and the old England football shirt, but still, it was simply unacceptable. Not a single brand name in sight, for heavens sake. He definitely looked like someone that would hang around with Nishimura, since their fashion sense was not dissimilar to each other’s.

    I love how blatantly obvious it is...at least to me, that sense of automatic attraction..yet he's attempting to pick him apart, just to find the flaws. It's almost as if he's trying not to condone the attraction in his mind.

    He felt Die slip into the chair beside him, watched his shaking hands place his textbooks on the desk in front of him, his long, elegant looking fingers flip to the relevant pages.

    I love the use of the sensory details. In Love
    I've found you're one of the only writers that doesn't constantly use "he looked, etc." You have the characters feel the others, and make use of the senses.

    There was no telling who stood up quicker when the bell rung, but both Die and Kaoru were on their feet faster than anyone else, hurriedly packing away their belongings. Die simply wanted to leave the classroom, while Kaoru wanted to get away from the taller boy, confused about the strange feelings that had settled in the pit of his stomach.

    I adoreee the rush of this paragraph. The anxiety, and the clumsiness and just the overall confusion by both parties. It's brilliant, Becky.

    “Yeah,” After a few seconds, Kaoru found his voice and he turned his head to face the redhead, making sure he was listening, gritting his teeth for composure, as simply looking at the other teen made him feel strange, “He’s a fucking freak.”

    :shock:
    That is not how I pictured that ending, whatsoever. It's like, even though there's obvious, if not a bit muted, sexual attraction between both...he's not willing to risk his popularity. It's a typical cliche, that you've managed to completely control and make your own, and you've done it expertly. I'm positive that this will be a story I won't forget for a while.

    It's beautifully written, and your hold over use of imagery, dialogue and plot stun me.
    Absolutely stunning. In Love

    I just realized there will be more chapters. Wow
    I had been reviewing as I went, and I just went and saw the "other chapters will follow."

    I'm not sure you have any idea how excited I now am.
    I can't wait for the rest of this.
    October 4th, 2009 at 08:25pm