Feel Alive - Comments

I love the layout. It's really pretty.
I noticed some minor grammatical errors here and there, but nothing major.
The plot is really well done, and the imagery's great. The hopelessness Carmela feels is so real and connectable - at least to me.
Nice job. :)

I liked how emotional you made this feel. The hopelessness Carmela felt reflects a true suicide victim's mentality. I think there are a few commas, and what not missing. Just the tiny stuff. But it could also be due to the fact that my eyes are going all aljklkjdkjfas...

Sorry...

This was a good read.

I could feel how lonely this Carmela must feel. And I'm saying that from the bottom of my heart. I'm in college here in NYC and even though you're in a city with 8 million other people, sometimes you feel like you're the loneliest person in the world. And it blows. It's such a depressing feeling (unfortunately I've felt it many times), and you've managed to capture that in this short little story perfectly. It really does feel like nobody can help you and you're beyond your own reach.

I love how you put us right into Carmela's mind and she has this sort of stream of consciousness thing going on where she just thinks to herself and her mind wanders every which way. It's so realistic and just brings the story home even more.

There are a few run-on sentences here and there, but overall this was just brilliant. And like I said before, I applaud you for capturing the "city depression" so well - it's not an easy thing to write about. Great job!

This was very emotional, deep and well said. Or rather, well written. The flow of the text seemed like the character was sad/empty, and I liked how you had that impact on me; making me read slow 'cause of the characters feelings. Like, if I were sad my thought would be slow-get what I'm saying? I was torn of what I should do but in the end, I knew what had to be done, I was ready to jump, and just like that, I let go.--lovely ending, nicely done <3

You don't know how sad this made me. Seriously, this is amazing and I think I'm crying.

“Carmela? Please answer”

There should be a period after "answer". Just to tell you. But dude, how could you?! D: When you wrote this, did you cry? xD Cause I so would have if I were you.

The emotions in this were brilliant, and I love the banner and the layout. It adds so much to the story. I wish I could have amazing talent like you!

I think the overall plot and the detail you put into it, is brilliant.
But I feel you could have added a bit more emotion in to it.
Other then that, this was perfect. I loved that there wasn't much speaking parts and the layout was fabulous.
Well done. <3

I really love the layout for the story. It's really pretty. So is the banner. The story its self is very good and I enjoyed reading it :]

I like the title, it is sometimes used too much, but I just like it everytime. Feel Alive is a good title for a lesson or something (: and it gives me ideas what your story will be about.

Maybe If I jump I can get a second chance at life I love this for some reason, but the i in If is suppose to be lowercase so: if (:

The layout is simple but goes well with the banner which is beautiful. I love the banner and how Feel Alive is placed. It's like, right above the water (the word Alive)

The story itself was amazing(: I loved it.
Very sweet and kinda sad since it was about death and wanting to die, but eh.
Anyways. Loved it. (:

Well done, love.

Ps.: awesome job on making it have long paragraphs xD

I'm going to do an in-depth review, because I never do those anymore and this was pretty short.

A cold night in New York was nothing new. I could feel the cold breeze all around me as I walk along the sidewalk.

The beginning doesn't really grab my attention. I like it and I think it's good, but I think that first line could use a little oomph, you know? The bolded portion is bolded because you're confusing tenses. 'Could' implies the past and 'walk' implies the present.

I could feel my phone go off in my pocket in my jeans I just kept on walking. I had one place in mind that was the bridge. I kept walking until I got to the bridge I went over to the edge to look down it was a long ways down. I climb on the top of the rail I often thought about jumping to end it all, I no longer want to live this life. What if I jump and die for a few seconds I could come back as a new person start a new life.

I'm seeing a lot of sentences that could use commas or even be split into two sentences: I could feel my phone go off in my pocket; I just keep walking. I had one place in mind, and that was the bridge. I kept walking until I got to the bridge. I then went over to the edge and looked down; it was a long ways. I climb (here is another instance of tense confusion. Up until now it seems like you're telling of something that happened in the past, but now the word 'climb' brings it back to the present. Is it happening now, or did it already happen?) on top of the rail. I've often thought about jumping and ending it all; I no longer want to live this life. What if I jump and die for a few seconds? Will I come back as a new person? Can I start a new life? You might want to fix those. They're mostly run ons. The ideas behind them are great and you're getting across your emotions good, it's just a little confusing with the tenses and the sentences.

“Carmela? Please answer”

“Carmela please don’t do anything stupid!”

“ Carmela we can talk, please don’t do anything”

This is good dialogue and it's a good place to add it in. It adds to the emotion and the intensity of the moment. I really like it. However, your grammar is off. They should look like this:

"Carmela? Please answer."

"Carmela, please don't do anything stupid!"

"Carmela, can we please talk? Please don't do anything."

I liked the ending. It had the same grammar problems as the rest of the story, but the emotion behind it was very powerful. You're very got at getting across exactly how your character is feeling in the moment.

Over all, this is a very good one-shot. I think if you worked out those kinks, it could be great.

Oh wow, this was reaaaaaaaaaaaaalllyy deeep.
for a second, I felt like I was the gurl in the story, and I wanted to die, to jump off that bridge and be free..
Wow this is really amazingg!! :D LIke ohmygosh! I loved it, so, touching!

I found this breathtakingly beautiful.
And that's honestly all I can think to say.

Okay!
Imagery = amazing. I could picture myself there. Amazing, amazing, amazing. Missing some punctuation, maybe? But this is the first draft, you can always fix that later. But commas make reading easier (I've learned this b/c I just finished a grammar unit on commas... never mind XP)
Also, semicolons are useful. For example:
To be alive again would be the greatest feeling, but I’m not alive I’m dead at least on the inside I am.

Fixed:
To be alive again would be the greatest feeling. But I’m not alive; I’m dead, or, at least on the inside I am.

NO!
No second part.
Not that this isn't really, really good, of course.
But each story has a place that it needs to end. The story ends there. And you can't keep dragging out the end, because then it just sounds forced. I love the emotions portrayed and I'm glad I read it. Very good.

[x]

i like it so far im interested in whats going to come next :]

Love this! It's great! * thumbs up*