But I've got to point out a few little annoying things. -The story starts with a bracket... :S -You need to start a new line every time a different person talks. e.g. "So, how did you sleep?" mom asked with a warm smile as she took a bite of a pancake. [new line]"Oh just fine." I lied and fake smiled. [new line]"So, hows school?" she asked trying to make conversation. -You have random gaps in the middle of sentences. Most likely your computers' fault. "Drinks anyone?"
he asked with a smile. Changing the subject.
-Don't put fullstops in the middle of sentences. e.g. "Mmm. You taste so good." he said licking his lips. Even though that's the end of the sentence that the dude was saying it's not actually the end of the whole sentence. There should be a comma after good.
Awesome story though. Please please please update soon. *Subscribes* xox
I quite enjoyed it, you risked sounding cliche' but you managed to work it alright. I love your description of "Suburbia" [theres a '[' at the begining of chaper one btw] and your dialogue flowed really well (: